huskergal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,990
Jun 25, 2014 20:22:13 GMT
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Post by huskergal on Apr 17, 2024 15:04:18 GMT
My oldest brother died in 1990. When someone asks me if I have siblings, I say I have five brothers, but one died and I have one sister.
Answer honestly. I think someone who doesn't know you would be more uncomfortable the answer than you.
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Post by KikiPea on Apr 17, 2024 17:49:44 GMT
The only time questions like this have bothered me is asking when I’ll have kids, or if I’m pregnant, when instead I was just fat.
They simply asked a question about your family. It doesn’t bother me at all. That’s like getting upset if someone asked if you have parents. Well, yes I do, even if they might be deceased. You still have (had) parents. So for me, yes, I have (I still have both parents and my brother…but if/when it happens…) a brother, and if someone asked after he passed, I’d say yes, I had a brother that has passed.
I don’t understand why it’s taboo to ask that question.
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Post by Zee on Apr 17, 2024 18:50:08 GMT
I know people are just making small talk, but it can be awkward to go down that path. Talk about jobs or school; isn't that a safer topic? Unless you've just been unexpectedly made redundant from your dream job or you were terribly bullied at school...or whatever. How can anyone ever know what is a difficult topic for someone else and it really is usually an innocent conversation question. I understand it might be painful so perhaps a ready answer or a simple yes/no and a well practised change of subject is the best protection. Yes, where is the line? There will always be someone offended unless you never ask any questions or offer any observations at all, and even then, silence can be offensive. I guess that leaves the weather? Long experience with humans has definitely led me not to ask about spouses or children unless offered, though. Pets are generally safe as no one expects pets will live forever or outlive them.
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Post by snugglebutter on Apr 17, 2024 19:16:45 GMT
It has been nearly 20 years since we lost our first daughter and I have yet to figure this out. More often than not I don't include her, but it was definitely an internal struggle for a while.
I've had trouble with the sibling question too - as a child because my dad had several marriages (and I often sensed that when grown-ups asked they were just being nosy) and as an adult because a couple of my siblings are estranged.
I don't begrudge the questions, because in general people are being friendly.
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Post by disneypal on Apr 17, 2024 21:49:42 GMT
I too lost a brother and I answer “Yes, I have a brother that passed in 2014”
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Post by peasapie on Apr 17, 2024 22:52:31 GMT
I don't think it's all that unusual to ask if someone has any siblings as part of a conversation. I mean, it's not the first thing you say to someone, but I can imagine it coming up when talking about things that happen in families, for example. Personally I would say, "I had two but one passed."
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Post by miominmio on Apr 18, 2024 5:07:38 GMT
I just give them the number and move on to something else to talk about.
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Post by melanell on Apr 18, 2024 19:07:43 GMT
Hugs to everyone who struggles with this question.
I used to know someone (who has since passed away themselves) who used to phrase her answers to that question as "I was one of 5." The "was" tended to be enough to make people back away from any more questions. But I realize that if your family make-up is more complicated, that may not seem like a plausible way to go about answering either.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 19, 2024 12:48:54 GMT
I really think no one should feel guilty for answering in the way they are most comfortable. You are not denying you had a sibling or child. You KNOW they existed. You are simply protecting yourself from a conversation you'd rather not have.
There are no wrong answers here.
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Post by Merge on Apr 19, 2024 12:55:51 GMT
My mom lost two of her siblings - one before she was born, and one when she was 12 years old. She always said she had 10 siblings even though only 8 were living.
But someone else might have just used the smaller number.
As others have said, there’s no wrong answer here. I might choose to just say no or none living depending on the context.
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ladipop
Junior Member
Posts: 73
Sept 18, 2014 4:09:42 GMT
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Post by ladipop on Apr 20, 2024 0:18:17 GMT
People who have known me know that I do, and the situation. People who dont i just say yeah, somewhere, and leave it at that.
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Post by mom on Apr 20, 2024 2:58:52 GMT
It has been nearly 20 years since we lost our first daughter and I have yet to figure this out. More often than not I don't include her, but it was definitely an internal struggle for a while. I've had trouble with the sibling question too - as a child because my dad had several marriages (and I often sensed that when grown-ups asked they were just being nosy) and as an adult because a couple of my siblings are estranged. I don't begrudge the questions, because in general people are being friendly. Same. I struggle with this as well. I feel like I am lying when I say I only have two boys, but some days? Some days I just dont want to tell someone we lost a daughter. DH and I usually just say we have two boys and change the subject. But it stings my heart when we do that.
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