Olan
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Post by Olan on Feb 2, 2015 21:02:36 GMT
...you don't want the answer to. No? I've heard that idiom all my life and generally heed it unless I'm dying to know regardless of how hurtful the truth could be. Lately I've had several men ask why I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. Most are okay with the general "its not you its me" but there is this one guy who keep pressuring me for answers. Would you share the ugly truth with someone who continuously asked a question you were not entirely comfortable answering?
In general do you share the "ugly truths" of life with those who ask.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2015 21:08:23 GMT
It depends. In that situation, yes, I would tell him. I would preface with something to the effect of, "I'm going to tell you because you keep hounding me for this, but it's not up for discussion. My decision has been made. If it's useful information for you, good, but I don't care to hear explanations, excuses, or anything else." And then I would not answer calls, return texts, etc. anymore.
In general, I am a pretty direct (though not in a cruel way) person and I do answer people honestly when they ask questions that have messy answers. But there are exceptions to every rule - some people just can't take that kind of feedback, or in some situations, there is nothing to be gained from getting the full answer. It's a case-by-case kind of thing, but I am not generally someone who gives wishy-washy, superficial answers to serious questions.
ETA: Also, it depends on why you aren't comfortable answering it. Is it because you are afraid of hurting his feelings? Or is there something about him that makes you feel like it might not be entirely safe to answer truthfully? Something else?
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scorpeao
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Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Feb 2, 2015 21:08:26 GMT
Nope, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I tell white lies.
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valincal
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Southern Alberta
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Post by valincal on Feb 2, 2015 21:09:07 GMT
Is a simple "I'm just not that into you" such a brutal thing to say? Especially since he's insisting on getting an answer? Or is he requesting specific details?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2015 21:09:13 GMT
If I could do so honestly and graciously and was in a situation where I never had to see him again (i.e. didn't go to church with him, work near him, etc).
Or if I didn't mind never seeing him again.....
Sometimes the truth is hurtful, BUT it can help the person change or do something differently to be successful later...
but it depends on my motives....
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Post by annabella on Feb 2, 2015 21:09:25 GMT
I like to be honest. Why don't you like him? We can tell you if your response is too harsh.
I always say "I didn't think we clicked"
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marianne
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Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
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Post by marianne on Feb 2, 2015 21:12:04 GMT
No. Said person would just have to accept my answer. They wouldn't have to like it, but they would have to accept it. I don't respond well to people who pressure me for an answer I'm not willing to give.
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christinec68
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Post by christinec68 on Feb 2, 2015 21:13:12 GMT
I only did once with someone who asked the same question 10 different ways. I gave 9 vague answers and since they didn't get the hint I gave them the actual answer. It was related to the cost of my haircut. I wasn't really comfortable discussing the amount with this person and right after I finally gave her an answer, she went back to her desk, told her co-worker who in turn came straight to me and asked "why did you tell her?"  By now I was angry and told him because she kept asking and I dare her to ask how much getting my nails cost because that works out to be even more. |
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Feb 2, 2015 21:18:25 GMT
I like the pp answer of "I didn't think we clicked."
But if this guy is asking over & over again, he is probably giving off a real creeper vibe, and maybe you don't feel safe telling him the truth.
If he asks again, I would tell him no & to please not ask me again.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Feb 2, 2015 21:24:28 GMT
I like to be honest. Why don't you like him? We can tell you if your response is too harsh. I always say "I didn't think we clicked" I generally would say something like this but if a guy pushed it and I felt like I had to give him a response I would tell him the harsh truth. |
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Post by grace2882 on Feb 2, 2015 21:25:07 GMT
...you don't want the answer to. No? I've heard that idiom all my life and generally heed it unless I'm dying to know regardless of how hurtful the truth could be. Lately I've had several men ask why I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship. Most are okay with the general "its not you its me" but there is this one guy who keep pressuring me for answers. Would you share the ugly truth with someone who continuously asked a question you were not entirely comfortable answering? In general do you share the "ugly truths" of life with those who ask. Wow our lives are paralleling right now. I have been divorced for a year but we were separated for a year prior to that. I have been asked out multiple times and have never accepted a date. I am totally honest with the men and sometimes they have gotten angry but at other times they have graciously accepted my reasons. I have a very close relationship with God and I have put my future entirely in his hands. I do not plan to date just for the sake of dating. If I go out with someone it will be because God has pointed me in his direction. I want a man who has a relationship with God as closely as mine is and attends church. I don't want to be in a marriage where I am sitting alone in the pew. I had that for over 22 years with my past husband. I want a man in my life who is a spiritual leader. If they aren't able to do this they aren't the one. I do not drink and I do not want a drinker in my life. I know that I have set my priorities high but if I am meant to be alone that is okay with me too. I am alone but I am not lonely. There is a big difference. Be honest with the men. |
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Feb 2, 2015 21:39:09 GMT
Is a simple "I'm just not that into you" such a brutal thing to say? Especially since he's insisting on getting an answer? Or is he requesting specific details? He is requesting specific details once in person and the second and third time via email...the short story of why I'm not interested is he is just exhausting. I'm an introvert and while I've dated tons of extroverted people he is the type that MUST make friends where ever we go. Example: If we have drinks the bartender is his new BFF and he forces me into these conversations..."O wow Olan is from the Midwest too", or "Olan lives two blocks from the bar" etc. We've went out on about six dates and twice he has sort of pushed me out in front of a crowd and literally said something like "Isn't she beautiful" or made me spin around. I've told him how uncomfortable it makes me and he has made no effort to honor my requests to not be brought into his "crowd pleasing". Other than that he is an okay guy. But I know this has no future because after I get home from a date with him it takes me hours to wind down from it. Also I doubt my "ugly truth" will help him in the future. grace2882 I also don't date for the sake of dating and kinda felt bullied by him into going on the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th date. Hes not dating for the sake of dating either and has lofty goals of running for public office. Seriously dude you don't want an introverted wife!!! I've given him the whole I'm introverted and not your type let down and he knocks it down with these long winded conversations about me "coming out of my shell". Gah! |
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sharlag
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Post by sharlag on Feb 2, 2015 21:43:22 GMT
Is a simple "I'm just not that into you" such a brutal thing to say? Especially since he's insisting on getting an answer? Or is he requesting specific details? He is requesting specific details once in person and the second and third time via email...the short story of why I'm not interested is he is just exhausting. I'm an introvert and while I've dated tons of extroverted people he is the type that MUST make friends where ever we go. Example: If we have drinks the bartender is his new BFF and he forces me into these conversations..."O wow Olan is from the Midwest too", or "Olan lives two blocks from the bar" etc. We've went out on about six dates and twice he has sort of pushed me out in front of a crowd and literally said something like "Isn't she beautiful" or made me spin around. I've told him how uncomfortable it makes me and he has made no effort to honor my requests to not be brought into his "crowd pleasing". Other than that he is an okay guy. But I know I this has no future because after I get home from a date with him it takes me hours to wind down from it. Also I doubt my "ugly truth" will help him in the future. grace2882 I also don't date for the sake of dating and kinda felt bullied by him into going on the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th date. He not dating for the sake of dating either and has lofty goals of running for public office. Seriously dude you don't want an introverted wife!!! I've given him the whole I'm introverted and not your type let down and he knocks it down with these long winded conversations about me "coming out of my shell". Gah! Wow! That's a very annoying guy. At this point "You don't listen to me" would be my reason for not dating him. Or, "You don't listen, you're a bully and you're rude." I'd be blunt, because he seems strong enough to take it. Sometimes I give vague answers to shield someone's feelings. Especially if the truth wouldn't do any good. What's that saying? Before you say something ask "Is it the truth? Is it helpful?...and something else..." |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Feb 2, 2015 21:47:49 GMT
I'm pretty direct. In your situation, could you mention that you aren't interested in a political life?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2015 21:50:16 GMT
Maybe you could be "getting back together with an old flame, so you are not dating at this time". If no, then "eff off" usually works. LOL Good luck.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2015 21:53:40 GMT
Is he someone you see in your everyday life or just someone you see on dates? If it's the latter I wouldn't say anything just cut off all contact with him, he's being a total numpty to be honest. He's not listening and just sounds annoying.
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Feb 2, 2015 21:56:44 GMT
Tell him he didn't pass the Refupea test.... LOL. How annoying.
And....
HI GRACE!!!!!
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Feb 2, 2015 21:59:18 GMT
In your situation, I would be fine telling him the ugly truth (whatever it may be), because he sounds like a jackass. But honestly I would probably just tell him I wasn't interested because his persistence showed a lack of respect for women being able to make their own decisions.
ETA: I missed OPs 2nd post for the reason she's not interested. Ugh that guy sounds so disgusting and awful, and clearly has no respect for women. Just tell him he's a gross misogynist and move on with your life (and don't talk to him casually anymore either because he clearly feels comfortable making you do things you don't want to do).
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Post by grace2882 on Feb 2, 2015 22:01:19 GMT
Is a simple "I'm just not that into you" such a brutal thing to say? Especially since he's insisting on getting an answer? Or is he requesting specific details? He is requesting specific details once in person and the second and third time via email...the short story of why I'm not interested is he is just exhausting. I'm an introvert and while I've dated tons of extroverted people he is the type that MUST make friends where ever we go. Example: If we have drinks the bartender is his new BFF and he forces me into these conversations..."O wow Olan is from the Midwest too", or "Olan lives two blocks from the bar" etc. We've went out on about six dates and twice he has sort of pushed me out in front of a crowd and literally said something like "Isn't she beautiful" or made me spin around. I've told him how uncomfortable it makes me and he has made no effort to honor my requests to not be brought into his "crowd pleasing". Other than that he is an okay guy. But I know this has no future because after I get home from a date with him it takes me hours to wind down from it. Also I doubt my "ugly truth" will help him in the future. grace2882 I also don't date for the sake of dating and kinda felt bullied by him into going on the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th date. Hes not dating for the sake of dating either and has lofty goals of running for public office. Seriously dude you don't want an introverted wife!!! I've given him the whole I'm introverted and not your type let down and he knocks it down with these long winded conversations about me "coming out of my shell". Gah! Oh he would have to be told as loudly and bluntly as possible. After that I agree with the others. Simply don't answer when he calls and move on with your beautiful self!!  |
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Post by grace2882 on Feb 2, 2015 22:01:55 GMT
Tell him he didn't pass the Refupea test.... LOL. How annoying. And.... HI GRACE!!!!! Hi Trollie!!! I missed you!! |
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Feb 2, 2015 22:03:40 GMT
Missed you!! Had to do a double take because it wasn't your Basset avatar. Beautiful pic!
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Post by hop2 on Feb 2, 2015 22:05:09 GMT
He definitely doesn't pass the refupea test acting like that!!! Like textbook red flag upon red flag. If I could I block all contact from him.
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Post by grace2882 on Feb 2, 2015 22:08:33 GMT
Missed you!! Had to do a double take because it wasn't your Basset avatar. Beautiful pic! My exhusband got the dogs in the divorce. I am in a new home with a beta fish. It really was in the best interest of the dogs for them to stay with him. At their age they couldn't handle the stairs in my townhouse and I work crazy long hours. Buford died the same day that my ex-husband moved out. The other two need a fenced yard and he was able to provide a rancher with a ramp on the back deck. I had to do the right thing and let him have them. So you will have to put up with seeing my face instead! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2015 22:13:19 GMT
Telling him the truth might be the most valuable thing anyone ever has told him. But probably not. Most people who are like that can't hear it.
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Post by eebud on Feb 2, 2015 22:13:53 GMT
This would bother me if there was something that I clearly told the person made me uncomfortable and they continued to push it. At this point, I would tell him that it didn't click for me and please don't contact me again. I would then no longer answer calls, texts, emails, etc.
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conchita
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Jul 1, 2014 11:25:58 GMT
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Post by conchita on Feb 2, 2015 22:21:18 GMT
My kids sometimes repeatedly ask me a question. I tolerate it, barely, with my kids but not in a grown man. I'd tell him, "You've repeatedly asked me the same question thinking that my answer will change. It won't. You asking is rude and exhausting. Don't ask again". You're communicating with a very outspoken, belligerent man...don't mince words, back down or ignore it.
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Post by padresfan619 on Feb 2, 2015 22:21:49 GMT
I see "No. It is a complete sentence." posted here all of the time. I have probably been guilty of using it myself. But sometimes doesn't it seem like there are people who simply can't take no for an answer? I would tell him that I simply don't have the energy to deal with his repeated inquiries. Then I would firmly and directly tell him I wasn't interested in being in contact again and wish him luck on his future endeavors.
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lovefuzzies
Shy Member
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Post by lovefuzzies on Feb 2, 2015 22:30:11 GMT
I don't think it's anyone else's business why you're choosing to not date this person and I don't think you should be forced to give him a reason. Your personal life is yours, not his. If he can't be happy with "it's not you, it's me" too bad.
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Post by flanz on Feb 2, 2015 22:32:07 GMT
It depends. In that situation, yes, I would tell him. I would preface with something to the effect of, "I'm going to tell you because you keep hounding me for this, but it's not up for discussion. My decision has been made. If it's useful information for you, good, but I don't care to hear explanations, excuses, or anything else." And then I would not answer calls, return texts, etc. anymore. In general, I am a pretty direct (though not in a cruel way) person and I do answer people honestly when they ask questions that have messy answers. But there are exceptions to every rule - some people just can't take that kind of feedback, or in some situations, there is nothing to be gained from getting the full answer. It's a case-by-case kind of thing, but I am not generally someone who gives wishy-washy, superficial answers to serious questions. ETA: Also, it depends on why you aren't comfortable answering it. Is it because you are afraid of hurting his feelings? Or is there something about him that makes you feel like it might not be entirely safe to answer truthfully? Something else? Agreed. I, too, wonderif you are afraid of him. IF so, maybe best not to further engage him. |
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Post by pierkiss on Feb 2, 2015 22:43:11 GMT
Usually not. Unless I am backed in a corner and there is absolutely nothing else to do other than tell the truth. For example, when my former best friend point blank asked me why I didn't want her new husband coming down to visit with her during our girls weekend. Long story short, we're no longer friends because I admitted I hated him as did my husband, and thought he was abusing her, and didn't feel safe and comfortable around him. I had been dodging that conversation for over a year. No way around it when she's sitting in my living room asking questions 5 feet from me.
If I were you, and this guy was so persistent that it was giving me anxiety or whatever, and it would not impact other areas of my life, I would absolutely tell him the reason why. My thinking on this is that he'd probably go away afterwards.
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By now I was angry and told him because she kept asking and I dare her to ask how much getting my nails cost because that works out to be even more.
