johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 7, 2015 20:45:21 GMT
Ok, first I'm sure I'm going to get a load of crap about the fact that 13yo (14 in June) ds *has* a girlfriend as I know the standard pea-rule is no dating until 16. It started back in late elementary school with boys and girls pairing up calling each other bf/gf but really didn't amount to much more than the title and talking at school or rarely Halloween parties and such. It was all fine and dandy for the longest time......that is until this girl came around. And now we're in a bit of a pickle because it's going in a direction I don't care for. I also have to tell you that I don't really like this girl, or her mom. Her mom is the type that is trying too hard to be a friend instead of a parent, she's overly involved with not only her own kid but other kids (including my ds) as well. We've tried to be careful not to be negative about the girl to ds as to not push him further into her arms. They've been dating just over a year, I've been waiting for 9 months for it to fizzle out, no dice. This past weekend dh was doing a random text check on his phone and saw a text that the gf was apologizing to ds. We asked ds about it and apparently she was apologizing for freaking out, getting really mad and yelling at him at school that day. She was mad because another girl had shown ds a photo (of herself) on her phone. I don't know what the pic was but ds was willing to show me, so it was apparently G or PG rated. This isn't the first time the gf has freaked out about this. I know of at least one other time when he was snapchatting with another girl and gf got all upset so the snapchatting was ended quickly. I don't know where the hell she gets off telling him who he's allowed to talk to, but I don't like it one bit  Whenever I try to talk to ds about this I get the typical teenage attitude of I don't know what I'm talking about and anything I say will go in one ear and out the other......you know the one  We try to limit how much time he can spend with her. He's pretty into sports (track right now) so he usually has practice every day plus games/meets 2x/week so it doesn't leave a lot of time with her (though they text/talk quite a bit) They usually see each other 1-2x/week for 1-2hrs each time (she lives a few blocks away....small town, he has a good sized radius of where he can walk to). It's almost always him going to her house. A couple of times I've put my foot down and said if he wanted to see her she had to come here, but I think that's been 2-3x in the last year, she's apparently really shy, I don't know. But with summer coming he'll have more free time and I don't really want him spending every second with her (which is what she will want.....and him too, but I think she pushes it more). So, at this point wwyd/say? Is there any way I can get through to him that this is not a healthy relationship with out it coming across that I'm just being a big jerk who doesn't like his girl? or should I just continue to wait it out until it eventually just ends (she dated her last bf for over 2 years, so it could be awhile.....and yes, she just turned 13, so that relationship started at age 10  ) |
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Post by Zee on May 7, 2015 20:58:48 GMT
It's pretty hard to let kids know why you think they're making mistakes with the opposite sex, but from my own experience, I think if you just lay it out straight that you are concerned about her limiting who he can and can't talk to he will be open to listen. Don't badmouth her, obviously, but let him know that he's very young to let a girl control his friendships and that it's ok to set his own limits on this relationship. Chances are very good that he will tire of it all on his own.  Try not to be too hard on the girl, she's very young and it's hard to be mature about "boyfriends" at that age. My DS went through a hard time with a very intense, emotionally controlling and draining girl last year. I very gently helped him see that the relationship wasn't healthy for him, and doing that without putting the girl down was tricky but he did see that things were headed down the wrong path for himself. |
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bandjmom
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Jun 25, 2014 23:28:19 GMT
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Post by bandjmom on May 7, 2015 21:02:51 GMT
Off the top of my head I'd say less talk and more action. At his age as a parent I'd be sure he had enough scheduled activities this summer so that he isn't hanging out at her house all the time. Is she really shy, or avoiding your house because there'd be more supervision?
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Post by epeanymous on May 7, 2015 21:08:45 GMT
I am not kidding about this -- one of the things I do with my middle-schooler is watch tv shows with her (ranging from teen mom to Disney teen dramas) and discuss the romantic relationships we see. We've been doing this for a while, and I've found it a pretty relaxed, non-specific way to have conversations about what is and isn't healthy in a relationship. She isn't dating, so I am guessing things will be different when she is, but maybe that could be a way to talk about things without him feeling like you are imparting advice about his specific girlfriend or lecturing him (not saying that you are doing either). There were definitely some 16 and Pregnant episodes with controlling boyfriends/girlfriends, and there have been some Degrassi: The Next Generation plot arcs about that as well. Otherwise, I'd get him booked up for the summer as much as possible . |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 7, 2015 21:09:17 GMT
Off the top of my head I'd say less talk and more action. At his age as a parent I'd be sure he had enough scheduled activities this summer so that he isn't hanging out at her house all the time. Is she really shy, or avoiding your house because there'd be more supervision? He's got a couple of week long basketball camps planned plus we'll take a week long vacation plus day stuff but that still leaves plenty of time in between. I work from home so I can't be gone every day. I think they're pretty well supervised there from what ds has said and I know the mom works third shift so she's always there. She's an only child and ds has a 4yo brother so that probably plays a part too. |
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bandjmom
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Jun 25, 2014 23:28:19 GMT
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Post by bandjmom on May 7, 2015 21:19:09 GMT
Off the top of my head I'd say less talk and more action. At his age as a parent I'd be sure he had enough scheduled activities this summer so that he isn't hanging out at her house all the time. Is she really shy, or avoiding your house because there'd be more supervision? He's got a couple of week long basketball camps planned plus we'll take a week long vacation plus day stuff but that still leaves plenty of time in between. I work from home so I can't be gone every day. I think they're pretty well supervised there from what ds has said and I know the mom works third shift so she's always there. She's an only child and ds has a 4yo brother so that probably plays a part too. Not sure what options are available in your community, but I'd be talking to him about lining up some lawn mowing jobs or finding a regular volunteer position for the summer. Talk to him about his interests and what he can do to develop them. Redirect him from the girlfriend. |
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on May 7, 2015 21:21:32 GMT
Scary territory right there. I've seen way too many friend moms that encouraged inappropriate behavior. I'd keep my son under close supervision and nix the visits over to the girlfriend's home. Your home or none.
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Post by Crazyhare on May 7, 2015 21:23:10 GMT
If she works 3rd she has to get some sleep sometime. So I would not count on supervision at all times. And at 13, I would not rule out s*x. My best couple friends were 13 and sneaking out of the skating rink and having s*x and that was 30 years ago. They were good kids and did get married at 21. But it really could have been bad. Edit: not sure what happened to the quotes part. But it was the part about the mom working 3rd. |
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freebird
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Post by freebird on May 7, 2015 21:29:07 GMT
Sorry, I think this is an easy fix. "My mom says I can't date until I'm old enough to drive. We can be friends though."
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Post by krazykatlady on May 7, 2015 21:34:53 GMT
Have a talk with him now about the summer. Let him know just because school is out doesn't mean he will be allowed to hang out with her every day. Decide how often is acceptable to you and tell him "two (or whatever you decide) afternoons a week and one on the weekend." Tell him after he hits 16 the rules will change if he shows he can be trusted. And then tell him all your mean old friends on the message board wouldn't even allow him to have a girlfriend this early and he should be thankful you're his mom and not us!  ? |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 7, 2015 21:37:38 GMT
He's got a couple of week long basketball camps planned plus we'll take a week long vacation plus day stuff but that still leaves plenty of time in between. I work from home so I can't be gone every day. I think they're pretty well supervised there from what ds has said and I know the mom works third shift so she's always there. She's an only child and ds has a 4yo brother so that probably plays a part too. Not sure what options are available in your community, but I'd be talking to him about lining up some lawn mowing jobs or finding a regular volunteer position for the summer. Talk to him about his interests and what he can do to develop them. Redirect him from the girlfriend. There's not a ton around here. I think he's too young to work the summer rec program, he can volunteer for the library reading program if it fits his schedule, but she does that as well. I forgot he'll probably also spend some days, maybe even a week or two, at the boy scout camp his uncle works at. But I know he has high hopes for his basketball team the next few years, we have a hoop, I'll be encouraging having the guys over to shoot frequently. |
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bandjmom
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Jun 25, 2014 23:28:19 GMT
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Post by bandjmom on May 7, 2015 21:38:50 GMT
Sorry, I think this is an easy fix. "My mom says I can't date until I'm old enough to drive. We can be friends though." That definitely would be how it would go down at our house. Within op's parameters ( dating young is OK), I'd have him too busy for much hanging out time. |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 7, 2015 21:41:24 GMT
If she works 3rd she has to get some sleep sometime. So I would not count on supervision at all times. And at 13, I would not rule out s*x. My best couple friends were 13 and sneaking out of the skating rink and having s*x and that was 30 years ago. They were good kids and did get married at 21. But it really could have been bad. Edit: not sure what happened to the quotes part. But it was the part about the mom working 3rd. You're absolutely right. I was talking about during the school year, she's awake by time school gets out. Also, her parents are still married, dad works first or second shift, so he's frequently around as well. We've talked a lot about sex, safe sex, etc. I'm pretty sure they're not to that point yet. I happen to be friends with his best friend's mom, apparently the boys had a discussion not too long ago where ds said he was waiting until college. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that he will actually wait that long, but I'm pretty sure he's not there yet. |
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on May 7, 2015 21:43:27 GMT
i am suspicious of the "shy" thing too - i also think she wants him there because there is less supervision. i would say "we'd like to get to know her better so she doesn't have to feel shy around us, please invite her over for dinner". i would be as welcoming as possible to her in my home. i would much rather they be in my living than god knows where. i would also encourage him to busy and it that leaves him less available to be with her, well sounds like a win-win.  she has already had a bf for 2 yrs? at 13? wow. i assume you have reviewed birth control basics, whether it is happening now or not... well it could be soon. good luck mom! |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 7, 2015 21:44:42 GMT
Have a talk with him now about the summer. Let him know just because school is out doesn't mean he will be allowed to hang out with her every day. Decide how often is acceptable to you and tell him "two (or whatever you decide) afternoons a week and one on the weekend." Tell him after he hits 16 the rules will change if he shows he can be trusted. And then tell him all your mean old friends on the message board wouldn't even allow him to have a girlfriend this early and he should be thankful you're his mom and not us! ? LOL, very true. Good idea about setting very specific parameters now. I should also add that we do not allow things that are more date-like. Last summer he wanted to go to the drive-in with her (and her parents, and apparently a few friends) we said no way to that, it was too much like a date and it wasn't happening. There's also no 1 on 1 movies or things like that. We've allowed things like go-karts |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 7, 2015 21:50:15 GMT
i am suspicious of the "shy" thing too - i also think she wants him there because there is less supervision. i would say "we'd like to get to know her better so she doesn't have to feel shy around us, please invite her over for dinner". i would be as welcoming as possible to her in my home. i would much rather they be in my living than god knows where. i would also encourage him to busy and it that leaves him less available to be with her, well sounds like a win-win. she has already had a bf for 2 yrs? at 13? wow. i assume you have reviewed birth control basics, whether it is happening now or not... well it could be soon. good luck mom! OMG, I invited her over for dinner once. It was crazytown! She was coming over just to hang out one time, I said "hey, why don't you ask if she wants to stay for dinner". Dh wasn't home that night so I thought it would be less pressure for her. It was a simple meal: grilled chicken, simple pasta and a tossed salad. First ds had to walk to her house and walk her over here, she was too shy. Then when I mentioned dinner she had to ask her mom (ok, I understand) but she had to walk home (w/ ds by her side) to ask permission. They came back, mom had said it was fine. Come dinner time she had.......a glass of water Turns out when they were home asking permission, she ate!  So bizarre. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 7, 2015 21:50:57 GMT
Sorry, I think this is an easy fix. "My mom says I can't date until I'm old enough to drive. We can be friends though." That definitely would be how it would go down at our house. Within op's parameters ( dating young is OK), I'd have him too busy for much hanging out time. Yeah, I think that horse is already out of the barn. I guess I would set some solid limits as to how much time they can spend together and let him know what those limits are before school even gets out, and also make sure that they both understand that they are not to hang out together unsupervised, ever. (By that I mean somebody's mom or dad needs to be around--and AWAKE, LOL--when they are together.) I would go so far as to have a conversation with the girl's parents too, just to make sure everybody is on the same page. |
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on May 7, 2015 22:06:20 GMT
No teens here (yet!), but I agree with booking him for the summer. If he has sports and other stuff to do, it's less time he can be alone with her.
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M in Carolina
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Post by M in Carolina on May 7, 2015 22:33:48 GMT
I also think that the girlfriend's mother is not supervising your son and her daughter closely and could even be encouraging them to hang out at her house to be intimate--some parents figure kids are going to do it so they might as well do it at home where there are condoms. They might not be having sex, but girls do use their assets to hook boys. If your son did have sex with this girl and get her pregnant, then he could be charged with statutory rape and be a life long registered sex offender.
Boys and even men lose their minds when they see boobies.
Girls figure out really early that sex can be used as power. They string boys along and get them to do anything or else they'll break up or stop the make out sessions. Even junior high girls and younger are doing this. I have a niece that is 13 going on 14, and the stories she has told me about the girls in her class would make your hair curl.
I *love* Epeanymous' suggestion of sitting down to watch tv with your kids and talk about the relationships that they see. My dad modeled a gentleman's relationship with women and would talk to me about the bad relationships we saw on TV and movies. He also encouraged me to be independent and taught me how to defend myself.
I think the same modeling would be good for moms to do with their sons. Talk about the dangers of unprotected sex. That birth control pills aren't fail proof. A girl could say that she's on the pill and isn't, or doesn't take the pills at the same time every day, or is on an antibiotic. Pills don't protect against STDS. Even junior high schools are having outbreaks of gonorrhea and other STDs. (my niece's school had an outbreak two years ago--she was in a school that was 1-8th grade, but even 6th graders had STDs) Nobody uses condoms for bjs, which aren't even considered a big deal.
My brother's first live in girlfriend lied about taking birth control pills because she wanted to get pregnant. She thought my family had a lot of money and my parents would pay for everything. My brother was so stupid, but his argument was that condoms aren't "comfortable". Now he's linked to an immature woman who doesn't let us see her daughter because my parents didn't give her what she wanted FOREVER.
Your son might not listen, but I'd still be talking all I could. You don't want him to be able to say that you didn't warn him. Girls are really jealous, and it's not a good quality. Your son should nip that in the bud. I'd also be checking his phone because sexting with minors is considered child pornography. Also, if your family has money, the girlfriend's family could be encouraging her relationship so she'd get pregnant and be taken care of by you.
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Deleted
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Apr 25, 2024 8:33:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2015 23:05:50 GMT
I'd definitely get him as busy as possible this summer.
Also, I'd absolutely enforce her coming over your house. To be fair, flip flop and every other visit has to be at your house.
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Post by hop2 on May 8, 2015 0:07:50 GMT
Ok, I've missed a lot of 'code words' people here tell me I should know apparently my code wird education is lacking. but is *shy* code for not wanting to have sex around boyfriends mom?
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Post by 950nancy on May 8, 2015 0:27:00 GMT
I think parents can lay down the law, but kids will "date" when they want to. Maybe the kids aren't seeing each other out of school much, but they still consider it going out and do it behind their parents' backs. I see kids in elementary school doing it too. For that reason, I didn't ever set a magical age. My youngest met his gf in junior high in seventh grade. They lived about 7 miles apart so they just saw each other at school and then sometimes if one was at a friend's house. I was good with that. By seventh grade, there had been multiple talks about sex and I was very frank. Fast forward more than five years and they are still dating. Our last conversation was about the g-spot and my son was joking (not) that it was just an imaginary place. I bought my oldest son condoms at 17 and know he would have been a dad if the girl he was seeing had it her way. He was responsible and I had to support him. I have always been very open about sex after they reached sixth grade. Anything they wanted to know I answered, and I knew it was more important for me to teach them than for them to get their info from friends. Part of me worried that if I started talking to them about sex they would think I was giving them my blessing. After a lot of thought, I decided it was just more important to be realistic and know that kids are going to have sex when they think they are ready, not when I thought they were ready. We ended up taking my son's gf to Jamaica with us. We got a room where she had her own space. She was 3 weeks shy of 18. We all had a great time and no one on that trip had sex. |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on May 8, 2015 0:28:29 GMT
Ok, I've missed a lot of 'code words' people here tell me I should know apparently my code wird education is lacking. but is *shy* code for not wanting to have sex around boyfriends mom? Holy sh!t I hope not. No, I'm pretty sure she's just really, really shy (in the true meaning of the word), or maybe she says she's shy as a way to control the relationship even more. But I truly don't think it has anything to do with sex. |
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Post by melanell on May 8, 2015 0:36:57 GMT
She's so, so shy, yet she's had a boyfriend for the last 3 years? Does her shyness only extends to adults? Or perhaps just to the parents of the boyfriend? At first glance it does sound like a way to control things to me. If she does suffer anxiety around adults, then I apologize, but I just can't help but wonder if that's truly the situation.
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Post by hop2 on May 8, 2015 0:37:21 GMT
Ok, I've missed a lot of 'code words' people here tell me I should know apparently my code wird education is lacking. but is *shy* code for not wanting to have sex around boyfriends mom? Holy sh!t I hope not. No, I'm pretty sure she's just really, really shy (in the true meaning of the word), or maybe she says she's shy as a way to control the relationship even more. But I truly don't think it has anything to do with sex. Whew I always feel so out of touch when * everyone * knows the code words I had no idea about. Makes me feel old. |
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on May 8, 2015 0:50:35 GMT
Boys and even men lose their minds when they see boobies. Do you seriously believe this? What kind of boys and men have you been hanging around with?!! I have 5 grandsons from age 14-6 and trust me they don't " lose their minds when they see boobies." And I've met a lot of men over the years that don't either. I've shaken my head at quite a few of your previous replies to posts but this one is outrageous!! Lose their minds, my ass! ETA: OP, I would limit the time spent together and make sure my son was up to speed regarding sex, responsibility and everything. Good luck, parenting is hard! |
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Post by maryland on May 8, 2015 1:35:29 GMT
Scary territory right there. I've seen way too many friend moms that encouraged inappropriate behavior. I'd keep my son under close supervision and nix the visits over to the girlfriend's home. Your home or none. I agree!
johnysmom, she sounds very controlling, and if they were older, and in a more serious relationship, I would be more worried. But they are young, and he may get tired of the jealously and controlling behavior. I know my daughters wouldn't want to be controlled like that or have a boyfriend get jealous if they were friends with other boys. He may realize that there are other nice girls out there that won't be like that.
You sound like a great mom that is looking out for her son! I would definitely keep them at your house where you can supervise them. Especially if you aren't sure the girls mom will watch them.
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Post by christine58 on May 8, 2015 1:41:04 GMT
I think you have a very clouded/weird view of men and boys.
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Post by 950nancy on May 8, 2015 1:43:20 GMT
My boys and man enjoy the boobies. I haven't seen the loss of their minds though. Perhaps she was jesting?
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on May 8, 2015 1:46:47 GMT
I think you have a very clouded/weird view of men and boys. Ya think??! I'm still shaking my head   |
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So bizarre.
Southern Side eyed Pea 
