Does forgiveness mean keeping a relationship?

I think forgiveness and continuing the relationship are two different things. Have you read the book "Boundaries"? If the person has proved that they cannot be trusted to treat you kindly/honestly/fairly, then you don't owe them a continuing relationship. JMHO!

Forgiveness is for you, not for her. It's so that you don't carry that anger, disappointment and hurt with you so that it negatively affects your life. I also agree with the above - forgiveness does not mean you have to continue the relationship.

You do not have to have a close relationship with her simply because she's your mother. You can love her from a distance.

I'm the worst at explaining how I feel about forgiveness, so I found this article that explains my feelings

"Both forgiveness and the desire for revenge are natural human responses to being hurt. We want to forgive--to let go of hurts--especially if we don't want to hurt others, such as our children, or ourselves by having to be tortured with ongoing anger and bitterness. Or we may want to repair our relationship with him for the sake of the children and feel that we need to forgive to do that.

The desire for revenge is also a natural human response to being hurt. We want justice when we're wronged, it feels unnatural to just accept and forgive without some kind of restitution. These two desires are often at war after divorce.

The real goal, however, is to make peace with yourself so you can heal. Getting sidetracked by the search for revenge, usually through the courts, or trying to forgive whether or not you feel like it or are ready to do it, are both futile paths only leading to more pain.

The problem is that we're taught we must forgive in order to heal, to stop carrying around all that anger and hatred. But how is that possible? The very definition of forgiveness means you're supposed to stop being angry about something you have every right to be angry about. In order to do that you have to twist yourself and your emotions into a pretzel, or admit you've failed at yet another aspect of your marriage--your divorce. More guilt gets pushed on you, as if you didn't feel enough guilt.

Forgiveness was a dilemma for me because I couldn't see myself forgiving what I felt were unforgivable deeds. I talked to my rabbi about it and learned that the emphasis on forgiveness in our society comes from Christianity. It's what Jesus did, and since we are basically a Christian society, following the example of Jesus has become the gold standard.

In the Jewish tradition you don't have to forgive unless you feel like it, or unless your ex has made amends. You will not necessarily suffer if you don't forgive. ***Forgiveness is not the only way to heal from hurt, betrayal, emotional or physical abuse.*** You will move on anyway because unless you hang on to your hurts, nursing them with more and more attention, they will naturally fade with time. Forgiveness may, or may not, have anything to do with moving on. We are human, our wounds heal, hurts of the past recede into the past and the pain they caused lessens over the years. Just like any other kind of grief, the pain caused by betrayal or abuse fades whether or not we forgive our exes. Forgiveness often happens organically, after enough time has passed. "

Why Forgiveness is Overrated

So, don't feel the need to rush forgiving someone. It will eventually happen. I really think the more you focus on how you immediately need to forgive, the anger and resentment keeps building up.

If this person was a friend of yours would you want to continue the friendship? I am thinking probably not. It doesn't sound like you are getting out of it what you are putting into it. She may be your mother, but you aren't obliged to keep her in your life.

You can forgive eventually, but that has to come for you. That doesn't mean kiss and make up. It means "I accept she was a b!tch to me, she is an awful person. She is my mother and I am forgiving her for the hurt she has caused me, but I will keep her in my life at a 2% basis or a 50% basis or a 0% basis (fill in your own number). All of these options are acceptable or maybe you will have something else that will work better.

I wish you inner peace on the road to healing.

this is where the "forgive but not forget" saying comes from.
You can forgive her, but never forget what she's done. Forgiveness is for your peace of mind. Remembering is for peace of mind also.

Forgiveness is NOT permission for them to continue the abuse! Forgiveness is so YOU can move on!

Take care of you!

I can forgive people I purposely will never speak with, again. You can forgive your mom if you want to, but you can also take her out of your daily life. She's toxic and you don't have room for that poison in your life. Sounds like your mother needs a lot of therapy, herself. Take care of yourself.

My mom has been a very toxic person at times in my life as well. She has mental issues. Seriously. I have forgiven her time and time again and every time she hurts me I pray for the ability to forgive her. It always comes, but sometimes it takes time. I have talked to my dad in great depth about this. They are divorced and he has more reason to be bitter at her than anyone, but he isn't at all. He has said, If you have to walk away for your own sanity, no one is going to blame you. My kids are the reason why I don't just stop involving her in my life. I want them to be able to at least try to have a better relationship with her than we have. We are friendly in front of them, but we don't have a really close bond. It hurts sometimes, but God has blessed me with other wonderful older women in my life, so I just am thankful for them.

While my reasons are a bit different, I am at this point with my mother as well.  I no longer call her, but send cards on the appropriate holidays.  I've texted with her very sporadically over the last couple of years, trying to let the relationship die down organically rather than abruptly.  

She finally asked me last fall why I stopped communicating with her (which I haven't, it's just very infrequent) and I finally had the guts to be honest with her and say that it was better for me when she isn't a regularly occurring person in my life.  I told her that I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings, but it's was something that I needed to do for me.  I have no desire to hash out or discuss with her my reasonings for doing so, as it's not about something specific she did or said, it's just who she is as a person.

You are entitled to how you feel and who you want to have in your life.  Only you can decide if forgiving your mother means keeping her in your life and having a relationship with her.  For me, the two do not equate.

I like this very much! I admit that I tend to give a giant eyeroll when given (or reading) advice to forgive. It seems to be the automatic prescription whenever someone has been wronged.

Time works better than forgiveness, IMO and IME, and doesn't leave that condoning taste in one's mouth like forgiveness often does.