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Post by gar on May 6, 2016 16:50:16 GMT
OP, how old are you?
I would say that by the time you've been married that long you are becoming very aware of your age, of what your late summer/autumn years hold, what your life has become and you sort of take stock. If your marriage has got in a rut or is unhappy, why waste any more time? People are 'young' for a lot longer these days and, on the whole, there are many more possibilities for travel, learning, new hobbies, new friends etc.
Your question seems to intimate that you think that by that point, why bother? As if to say well, 'not much time left, you might as well put up with it!' But someone of 50/55/60 has a whole lot of living left to do hopefully, I can assure you!
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Post by justkat on May 6, 2016 16:59:24 GMT
I don't know the answer. I've seen this happen amongst my group and don't understand it either.
We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I guess what I personally don't understand is why if there's a problem that warrants divorce do you wait 30 years to take that step? If there's a problem you deal with it, try to find a mutually satisfying solution and if you can't then you divorce. But why deal with the problem for 20,25,30 years and all of a sudden run. That's what I don't understand.
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Post by papersilly on May 6, 2016 17:10:02 GMT
there is a great quote from the movie "Shawshank Redemption". it said "Get busy living, or get busy dying".
why do people get divorced after 30, 40, 50 years? because one day of happiness or freedom is worth more than another day of misery and pain. I tend to agree. |
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oldcrow
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 17:11:51 GMT
I agree with much of what has been said above, but I wanted to add this one thought. My experience, over 40+ years of adulthood watching family and friends go through this, is that when a woman leaves for what looks like no good reason, it's usually because she's been miserable for years and was just waiting for the kids to grow up to re-invent herself. When a man leaves for what looks like no good reason, there's another woman involved that he just hasn't admitted to yet.  ^^^^^yeah, occasionally there was some hidden problem in the marriage like abuse, infidelity, or alcoholism that caused him to leave, that those looking in from the outside can't see. But I would bet that at least 90% of the time, it's another woman. Men don't just pack up and leave because they're bored or annoyed. I,too, see this with men. And I really hate to even mention this on this forum but I have asked some of these men why they went looking. The answer 95% of the time is that the woman let herself *go*. She put on weight and/or stopped *looking after herself*. And many times I snicker at that response because the same can be said about the man. But he found himself another woman who is more to his liking. So either women have their bar set too low or they are desperate. And men do view themselves differently than women do. Unmarried women will exhibit desire for a man whether he is married or not. They may not get involved with a married man but she will have shown him that he is still desirable and the seed is planted. I know that many will jump on me for saying this and give all manner of excuses as why they have become what they are but before you do think of all the women you know who have changed their ways and become different both physically and mentally,usually because some man dumped them. Men are visual creatures and there is no getting around that. And to make things worse their ego is all important to them. |
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calgal08
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Post by calgal08 on May 6, 2016 17:15:17 GMT
You never know what is going on behind closed doors. Who knows, maybe 1 spouse wanted counselling and the other didn't. Chances are, at least 1 of them (maybe both) have been miserable for years and years and finally decided to spilt.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 17:19:07 GMT
Unmarried women will exhibit desire for a man whether he is married or not. Can you clarify what you mean by that? Are you saying that unmarried women are so desperate they will go after any man? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 17:33:33 GMT
That always seems strange to me, too. After so many years it would seem to me that the other person would be just so comfortable and familiar, warts and all. But I agree that there is no reason to stay miserable and I applaud anyone who takes a chance at happiness late in life.
My parents used to joke that they would never divorce because "Who the hell would want either one of us."
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julieb
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Post by julieb on May 6, 2016 17:34:41 GMT
My brother just told me today that he was divorcing his wife of 35 years. She has put them into horrible debt several times. The latest is 70k. She borrowed 20k from her dad (they've borrowed from my parents in the past) and the rest she did under bankruptcy. She also lied to him about their income tax return to try and hide 2k. My brother just wants to be able to retire someday and she keeps spending. The love is gone because of so much anger and resentment through the years. He said today he blames himself, he should have taken over the finances when it happened the first time years ago.
I really love my SIL and so do my kids, so it will be hard and in no way will we leave her out of any family celebrations, including my dd wedding in 5 months.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 6, 2016 17:35:06 GMT
I agree with much of what has been said above, but I wanted to add this one thought. My experience, over 40+ years of adulthood watching family and friends go through this, is that when a woman leaves for what looks like no good reason, it's usually because she's been miserable for years and was just waiting for the kids to grow up to re-invent herself. When a man leaves for what looks like no good reason, there's another woman involved that he just hasn't admitted to yet. ^^^^^yeah, occasionally there was some hidden problem in the marriage like abuse, infidelity, or alcoholism that caused him to leave, that those looking in from the outside can't see. But I would bet that at least 90% of the time, it's another woman. Men don't just pack up and leave because they're bored or annoyed. I,too, see this with men. And I really hate to even mention this on this forum but I have asked some of these men why they went looking. The answer 95% of the time is that the woman let herself *go*. She put on weight and/or stopped *looking after herself*. And many times I snicker at that response because the same can be said about the man. But he found himself another woman who is more to his liking. So either women have their bar set too low or they are desperate. And men do view themselves differently than women do. Unmarried women will exhibit desire for a man whether he is married or not. They may not get involved with a married man but she will have shown him that he is still desirable and the seed is planted. I know that many will jump on me for saying this and give all manner of excuses as why they have become what they are but before you do think of all the women you know who have changed their ways and become different both physically and mentally,usually because some man dumped them. Men are visual creatures and there is no getting around that. And to make things worse their ego is all important to them. It's interesting that you say that. I agree that many men will use the excuse that women have let themselves go, but you're right, then you look at them at the same thing can be said. Both DH and I have put on weight since getting married. However, I have recently tried to update my image at least while he has not. He has nothing between nice work clothes and ratty basketball shorts and t-shirts. Also, if you see couples while they are out together, more times than not, the woman is dressed nicely (regardless of relationship status) while the man is typically very casual. Also, I have heard it said too that it's easier to attract someone while married than when single. Sort of like the saying that it's easier to find work when you're working. |
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Post by bigbundt on May 6, 2016 17:36:01 GMT
A lot of great points so far. I wonder how social media plays into it these days. Seeing all the "perfect" marriages of your friends or the great lives that people are leading, going places, being in love but not realizing these are people's high points. It is also easier to look up someone you "just thought about", an old boyfriend/girlfriend, classmate, coworker and reconnect.
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on May 6, 2016 17:43:19 GMT
I think there are a million different reasons, but one that immediately came to me is that for some couples, by the time 30 years have gone by, their children are completely raised and likely moved out. And there is a very different dynamic to a house with kids (a kid) in it than a house without. And a couple may not realize that they are drifting apart when so much of their home time is wrapped up in their children's lives. Then when the kids move out and it's just the 2 of them, they look at one another and either they don't know how to be together anymore, or they realize that they really don't want to be. (Retirement of one or both spouses is another huge shift in the family dynamic as well and could also lead to similar situations.) DH & I love our kids, but we have a list of things we are looking forward to hopefully trying and doing once they are grown. So we're actively planning for that point in life, and while I don't think something so simple could keep a couple together, I think it can't hurt. I know other couples work against that issue by regularly scheduling time for just the 2 of them. Another small step that can't hurt. lots of good answers here. I can identify with this one the most. The child rearing years were hard for me. As the youngest ones became teenagers, we discovered that we really liked each other again by traveling, camping, and being together alone without the kids. I'm not sure if we would have made it the distance if we had not discovered that we really liked each other without the kids. We are at 49 years now, have grown grandchildren and we are best friends as well as lovers. Parenting is hard. I can relate to this, except unfortunately we aren't reconnecting! As I said early, kids are almost grown. We should be out having fun, but we're not reconnecting. He doesn't want to go any deeper than fine weather we're having and that just doesn't really work  Inevitably we'll go out and by the end of the night he's managed to offend me, saying something unkind or offensive. I'm nearing the end of the teenage years/raising kids and anyone who has done it knows it's a tough job. I'd love to be out, relaxing over drinks, reconnecting, having a good time. I hate the way our relationship is, but one person can't fix a relationship by themselves. |
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marianne
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Post by marianne on May 6, 2016 17:46:20 GMT
I would imagine it's because people don't want to be unhappy for the remainder of their lives. I mean, continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason. That ^^, definitely that. You have no idea what goes on in someone's marriage, out of public view. The realization that you're miserable with the way your life is going comes late to some people and they just decide "no more." Nothing complex about it, it just is. |
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on May 6, 2016 17:48:32 GMT
One couple I know that divorced later on in the marriage did so because of age-related medical issues. The couple had many years between them, and while you promise "in sickness and in health", sometimes one or both find that they can't deal with that the way they may have imagined. In this case, one of the pair felt that they still had so much life to live, and they wanted to live it in a way that the spouse just couldn't do anymore. They decided it was best to part ways. Alternately, some people spend a lot of time and effort trying to help their spouse be healthy when their spouse is unwilling to do what it takes to fix or stabilize their illness, and there may be nothing else to do but walk away for their own well being (financially, mentally, or physically). |
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 6, 2016 17:52:42 GMT
Their relationship isn't what it used to be and they've decided to part ways instead of just settling? Whether it's 30 days, 30 months, or 30 years, there are a myriad of reasons why people get divorced, including that they are different people than they were 30 years ago. Do you think that because they have been married for so long that they should just suck it up? I'm not sure I understand what you're asking. Unless most of it was horrible (in which case, why stay around that long?) wouldn't you think it would at least be worth *trying* to save it after that many years if there was genuine love there for a good part of it? That's a lot of history. I don't think that's the same thing as "sucking it up" so to speak. (Sucking it up to me is spending the holidays with your in-laws that you can't stand.) One of my sisters has been married for over 35 years and most of it has been bad (mostly verbal and emotional abuse that sometimes crossed over to physical when he would grab/shove her and leave bruises). There is a ten year span between the oldest kid and the youngest kid, and the youngest kid is now a senior in HS. I know she has stayed with BIL because of the kids and because she believed he would quit working and leave her destitute. I think she believes she could support herself if she was on her own but was never sure that she could support her kids too. I will be very surprised if she stays with her husband after their last kid graduates. Very surprised. |
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Post by gmcwife1 on May 6, 2016 17:52:49 GMT
I would imagine it's because people don't want to be unhappy for the remainder of their lives. I mean, continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason. That is my thought as well. |
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Post by debmast on May 6, 2016 18:02:49 GMT
I would imagine it's because people don't want to be unhappy for the remainder of their lives. I mean, continuing to do something that makes you miserable just because you've already done it for 30 years doesn't really seem like a good enough reason. That is my thought as well. My thought is ... if you were THAT miserable, why in the hell would you have stayed for 30 years? |
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on May 6, 2016 18:08:32 GMT
A lot of great points so far. I wonder how social media plays into it these days. Seeing all the "perfect" marriages of your friends or the great lives that people are leading, going places, being in love but not realizing these are people's high points. It is also easier to look up someone you "just thought about", an old boyfriend/girlfriend, classmate, coworker and reconnect. That's a good point. I remember reading stories of people giving up social media and being much happier. It's hard not to compare your lives to people whether it be new cars, fancy vacations or what appears to be a strong marriage and family. My friend got on FB and connected with a high school flame. Ended up leaving her DH and then one son stayed behind while she took the other 3 and moved across country for this guy. It didn't work out and they are now back, but she is now divorced. It's easy to romanticize how things used to be when you're in a rut of the day to day grind. |
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Post by mellowyellow on May 6, 2016 18:15:50 GMT
I've been married for 22 years and if it hadn't been for us going to counseling and Marriage Bootcamp, I could see my DH eventually leaving me one day.
I was a daddy's girl and my dad did NOT want me marrying my dh. He did everything in his power to destroy our marriage. He thought that dh wasn't good enough for me. I allowed my dad to fill my head with all the crap he was spewing and in return I was very disrespectful and hurtful towards my dh. I did and said some things that although dh has forgiven me for...I still cringe when I think about it. I finally stood up to my dad and said enough was enough but we spent many years of having a bad marriage.
Thankfully, we now have the marriage we've always wanted. We have one kid out of the house and the other one is in high school. We are so enjoying spending time together.
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MorningPerson
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Post by MorningPerson on May 6, 2016 18:17:46 GMT
Also, I have heard it said too that it's easier to attract someone while married than when single. Sort of like the saying that it's easier to find work when you're working. I'm going on a tangent here, but you could be right on that. Sometimes if my husband forgets to put his wedding band back on after working out, I'll tease him that he'd better put it on so all the women won't hit on him. But he has told me that it's common knowledge among men that you'll more likely get hit on if you ARE wearing a ring, because then she knows you're already vetted.  |
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valleyview
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Post by valleyview on May 6, 2016 18:20:50 GMT
There's not always an explanation to the end of a marriage. I only wanted to add that if you can end a lifelong friendship, then you will be happier to be separated from that former friend. Marriages can be the same. It can happen that couples just realize that they are on a different path, and if there are no financial advantages to marriage, they get a divorce.
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on May 6, 2016 18:22:11 GMT
That is my thought as well. My thought is ... if you were THAT miserable, why in the hell would you have stayed for 30 years? Maybe not even miserable; just not happy. The older you get, the more you're faced with the fact that you don't get forever, the more you question, 'is this it?' I think it's easier to settle for good enough when you're younger. Not so easy when you get older. I also think that people are constantly changing. Couples who change together are lucky. Many grow in different directions. |
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Anita
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Post by Anita on May 6, 2016 18:25:56 GMT
That is my thought as well. My thought is ... if you were THAT miserable, why in the hell would you have stayed for 30 years? Lots of reasons. My great aunt divorced her husband after 50+ years of marriage. She waited for the kids to grow up. Then she tried for many years, hoping things would improve. Then she got flack from her family about thinking of leaving after all those years. Why on earth would she walk away from her vows? Why would she do that to her family? (Gag) Finally she reached a point late in life where she just didn't give a crap what anyone else thought, and it was more important to her to live her golden years in peace. So she kicked him to the curb and had the best ten years of her life before she died. He was miserable for the rest of his life, and he deserved it. I wish she had more years of that peace, but it took her that long thanks to a lot of pressure from family about staying since she was raised to believe that divorce wasn't an option. But the SOB just wouldn't die, and she was running out of time. That's just one reason. |
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on May 6, 2016 18:29:11 GMT
Because the marriage was dead years ago and you had no idea. yep |
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Post by ilikepink on May 6, 2016 18:31:08 GMT
Although we were married only 15 years, that's what seems to have happened with my XH. I was happy, thought he was, until suddenly he was seeing someone else. When we married, my boys were young - and we worked together to raise them. At the point when we could see the light at the end of the tunnel, he bailed. At the time, I was devastated, but have since moved on. I'm happier, I think he's happier. And every time I see him, I shake my head - how could I have lived with all of that for so long? If we were still together, we'd be secretly (or not so secretly) unhappy. It wasn't fun, but I've grown from it.
So - my answer to the question of why divorce after 30 years is - better at 30 years than 31. Unhappiness doesn't happen overnight, and most people want to think it will get better - until you know it won't improve.
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Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on May 6, 2016 18:33:18 GMT
My (ex) Brother in Law did this. My sister was blindsided. They had two grown daughters, a grandchild and a second on the way. He swore he had "felt that way a long time" and wouldn't go to counseling or anything. He just decided he didn't want to be married anymore. *I* think he was interested in someone else, and thought divorcing would make a difference to her. It did not. Fast forward 15 years later. He is a miserable, now older, SOB who is very unhappy with his life. My sister was very sad at first. Then she decided she wasn't letting HIS decision ruin her life. She is one of the happiest people I know. She loves her job (PreK teacher). Spends much time with her daughters and grandchildren. Travels with friends. Why do I think it happens? Because in this day and age people want instant gratification. They also don't have the dedication that they had back in the day to their marriage. Marriage is WORK! My mom once told me for a marriage to work, both parties need to be giving 150%. It's easier for some to divorce that put in the effort to make it work. What can be done? That I don't know! Well aren't you special. People who talk like this always mention at least one example where the person who filed for divorce ended up miserable. Well, guess what? Even if they are miserable, they probably feel like they would have been even more miserable if they had stayed married. MYOB |
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Post by lancermom on May 6, 2016 18:35:02 GMT
I see it too. But I hear they grew apart. Devoted so much of themselves to being mom and dad, they forgot to be husband and wife. Since we were parents before marraige, we do our best to be with each other a lot. Our kids are equal to us. We talk about our future, our goals, have dates and weekend alone. When we are alone, we don't discuss kids. We will be married 20 years this summer, so we will see in the next 5-10 years what happens.
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Post by debmast on May 6, 2016 18:35:23 GMT
So basically what I'm taking away from this is that people fail to communicate.
You can't expect your spouse to be a mind reader. If you're not happy with things in your marriage, you need to talk about it. Just assuming they know and going about your business won't help either of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2016 18:37:55 GMT
Post by debmast on [abbr class="time recent_time" data-timestamp="1462559723000" title="Fri May 06 2016 19:35:23 GMT+0100 (GMT Standard Time)"]1 minute ago[/abbr] So basically what I'm taking away from this is that people fail to communicate. Sometimes you can communicate til you're blue in the face and it doesn't change things. You seem to think that there's an easy answer here and there isn't. |
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oldcrow
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Post by oldcrow on May 6, 2016 18:38:52 GMT
Unmarried women will exhibit desire for a man whether he is married or not. Can you clarify what you mean by that? Are you saying that unmarried women are so desperate they will go after any man? First I did not say unmarried women will *go after* I said *exhibit desire*. There is a world of difference between the two of those. To answer your second question I would have to say that yes there are many women who will go after and take any man she can get. Look around you and you will see some pretty discussing(and not just lookswise) men who do have women in there lives. |
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Post by debmast on May 6, 2016 18:40:49 GMT
Post by debmast on [abbr class="time recent_time" data-timestamp="1462559723000" title="Fri May 06 2016 19:35:23 GMT+0100 (GMT Standard Time)"]1 minute ago[/abbr] So basically what I'm taking away from this is that people fail to communicate. Sometimes you can communicate til you're blue in the face and it doesn't change things. You seem to think that there's an easy answer here and there isn't. I've seen many posts on here saying one party came to the other and told them they were unhappy and leaving and the 2nd party had no clue. If one party is not telling the other they are unhappy, nothing can be done to fix it. I'm not saying there's an easy answer. But if you don't even convey your feelings to your spouse when you are not feeling happy or are feeling discontent, how can you expect them to know how you are feeling? |
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Inevitably we'll go out and by the end of the night he's managed to offend me, saying something unkind or offensive. 
