|
Post by merry27 on Jun 16, 2016 14:05:46 GMT
We have been together for 20 years, 2 kids and have a pretty good life. We have fallen into the rut of taking each other for granted and not making our marriage a priority. We get along great and don't have any other problems. We have both gotten lazy with each other with doing the nice, thoughtful things. I'm sure this is normal after being together this long but we both want to fix it. If you have experienced this, what did you do to get things back on track? Were you successful?
|
|
|
Post by shanniebananie on Jun 16, 2016 14:16:18 GMT
Following because I am in the exact same boat including the 20 years and 2 kids. Nothing is wrong but it could definitely be better.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 9:00:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 14:17:54 GMT
I have found that when we get in that rut, to schedule a "date night" even if it is just a walk and coffee.....just etching out that time....and being there (no phones, etc.) helps to get things back on track
|
|
scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
|
Post by scrapaddie on Jun 16, 2016 14:31:38 GMT
Start acting like you want . Start doing the little things and bigger things, like scheduling dates and getting all dressed up. You just have to give the relationship a little attention and effort.... If you begin by acting.... Then you can revive some of the real appreciation and excitement that you once had before all the business of living got in the way
|
|
oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
|
Post by oldcrow on Jun 16, 2016 14:38:55 GMT
Define passion.
Are you talking about what takes place between the sheets. Such as how often or what you do there.
Or are you talking about being excited about being a couple and doing couple things outside of the bedroom.
Both of these things are important to a relationship and when either or both dwindles things start to go south and disappointment sets in. As does boredom.
If, as you say, both of you are committed to making improvements then I suggest you work on communication. Communication can save a lot of heart ache.
I suggest that both of you make independent lists of what you personally think is missing or that you would like to see added to or eliminated from your relationship. Then sit down together and discuss your lists. And form a plan on how best to go about making the changes in a way that fits your life style.
I also think that as you make your list you should have at least some idea of how you think the situation can be rectified. Also neither of you should be laying blame on the other or you may find things blowing up in your face.
Good luck.
|
|
pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
Jul 12, 2014 21:58:10 GMT
|
Post by pridemom on Jun 16, 2016 14:52:41 GMT
We have found attending marriage retreat events helpful. I don't know your religious believes, but many are sponsored by Christian organizations.
Another idea is to make your own getaway, and plan a few things to talk about. We like to go for even an overnight a few times each year to get alone to talk. And there's nothing like a hotel room to yourselves to encourage woopie. Conversation starters are all over the web, but I like "what makes you feel loved?" "What activities would you like to do together as a couple?" Plan your future. I read recently that couples that plan their future together are happier and more likely to stay together. Plan a big trip. We are planning our 25th anniversary trip in two years.
I know it's hard with kids. I have four. But they are starting to leave home now and we are planning that next stage of life. I am glad we haven't become strangers during the crazy kid raising years. We will farm out the kids to stay with friends and return the favor to help other couples get away.
|
|
|
Post by mom on Jun 16, 2016 14:55:46 GMT
We have been together for 20 years, 2 kids and have a pretty good life. We have fallen into the rut of taking each other for granted and not making our marriage a priority. We get along great and don't have any other problems. We have both gotten lazy with each other with doing the nice, thoughtful things. I'm sure this is normal after being together this long but we both want to fix it. If you have experienced this, what did you do to get things back on track? Were you successful? Ok, if this is part of the problem, then the obvious solution is to start doing nice, thoughtful things. You know your husband - what would he consider nice and thoughtful? Figure that out, then do it. Repairing bumps in your marriage doesn't always take big, lofty things. It takes doing simple things, daily.
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jun 16, 2016 14:58:47 GMT
We fall into this too.
|
|
|
Post by sunnyd on Jun 16, 2016 14:59:56 GMT
I agree with scrapaddie. Be the change you want to see. Think of what is important to him & what he appreciates. Make an effort to do those things. Maybe it's making his favorite food, mowing the lawn, making the bed, writing him a note. I find that you love those you serve. Being that there are no major issues in your marriage I bet it will be reciprocated.
|
|
|
Post by Susie_Homemaker on Jun 16, 2016 15:24:36 GMT
I agree with scrapaddie . Be the change you want to see. Think of what is important to him & what he appreciates. Make an effort to do those things. Maybe it's making his favorite food, mowing the lawn, making the bed, writing him a note. I find that you love those you serve. Being that there are no major issues in your marriage I bet it will be reciprocated. And I agree with sunnyd. I would ask him what makes him feel loved and then do those things. Go out of your way for him, make it a point to not be selfish- put him first. (Easy to say, not so easy to put into practice. We're selfish my nature I think). Be sexy, think of ways to increase the fun in the bedroom. Talk about it with him and see what he would like to do. Plan fun activities together to get away. Make time and they don't have to cost much money. Be creative. My DH and I have been married for 26 years and have had to 'get things back on track' and my #1 thing is putting him first and doing the things that make him feel loved. That means in that moment I'm not thinking about him reciprocating. I want it to be about what I can do for him. If he wants things to get better, he'll eventually start reciprocating when he feels the love and loving acts you do for him. For me, it's been very eye-opening to consciously put my needs on the back burner in order to make him feel loved. Not easy but definitely worth it.
|
|
|
Post by femalebusiness on Jun 16, 2016 15:26:06 GMT
Treat your husband like he is the sexiest, smartest, most attractive man on the planet. Talking dirty to him doesn't hurt either. Put his needs before the kids, work, extended family or friends. That's what you would do with a new exciting love interest. If he's normal he'll return the attention tenfold. If he doesn't, dump his ass.
|
|
luckyexwife
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
|
Post by luckyexwife on Jun 16, 2016 15:30:28 GMT
We have been together for 20 years, 2 kids and have a pretty good life. We have fallen into the rut of taking each other for granted and not making our marriage a priority. We get along great and don't have any other problems. We have both gotten lazy with each other with doing the nice, thoughtful things. I'm sure this is normal after being together this long but we both want to fix it. If you have experienced this, what did you do to get things back on track? Were you successful? I've only been married 16 years, but in our marriage what works the best is for me to put forth extra effort. When I noticed that we are getting in a wreck, I start going out of my way to do extra things for him. At Hallmark once I found a box of mini greeting cards with a love theme, so I bought a few different packs, and I would hide those around the house for him. I would also do extra chores for him so he wouldn't have to do them. I would also make it a point to have supper a little earlier, and get the kids in bed a little earlier, so we had more time at night to just talk connect and be intimate. I see other posters have said to sit down and talk with him, but in my personal case, sitting down and talking about it isn't usually the best option, just taking action is. In my case after a few days of me putting in extra effort to really start to notice, and he returns the favor as well. Good luck!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 9:00:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 15:46:05 GMT
My husband and I like to learn things together and find that environment encourages us to work together to tackle a problem and have fun. We learn complicated recipes and cook together. Recently we started an online computer programming course and have made ridiculous web pages testing out our skills. It can be hilarious when things go wrong....which they do. I think seeing the fun side of your partner is important given the rest of the day can be like drudging through shit sometimes. Sometimes being challenged and out of your comfort zone in something is a good place to realize how much you appreciate each other.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 9:00:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 16:10:42 GMT
Treat your husband like he is the sexiest, smartest, most attractive man on the planet. Talking dirty to him doesn't hurt either. Put his needs before the kids, work, extended family or friends. That's what you would do with a new exciting love interest. If he's normal he'll return the attention tenfold. If he doesn't, dump his ass. I this! Thank you!!
|
|
luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
|
Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 16, 2016 16:51:46 GMT
We are right there too and I'm not sure how he's feeling about things but I'm struggling.
We've been married 22 years and have 2 kids (16 and 19). My job now has me gone 3 nights/week and most of the day on Saturdays though so that doesn't help. He's asleep by the time I'm home and I'm asleep when he leaves. Even before that though, we've been mostly roommates for awhile. We get along as friends but the marriage thing has been missing passion for a long time.
I hope to get some tips from the thread and hope you can find your way back.
|
|
luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
|
Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 16, 2016 16:54:37 GMT
We have found attending marriage retreat events helpful. I don't know your religious believes, but many are sponsored by Christian organizations. Another idea is to make your own getaway, and plan a few things to talk about. We like to go for even an overnight a few times each year to get alone to talk. And there's nothing like a hotel room to yourselves to encourage woopie. Conversation starters are all over the web, but I like "what makes you feel loved?" "What activities would you like to do together as a couple?" Plan your future. I read recently that couples that plan their future together are happier and more likely to stay together. Plan a big trip. We are planning our 25th anniversary trip in two years. I know it's hard with kids. I have four. But they are starting to leave home now and we are planning that next stage of life. I am glad we haven't become strangers during the crazy kid raising years. We will farm out the kids to stay with friends and return the favor to help other couples get away. We need to do this. I can't remember the last time we had a weekend away alone! We're scheduled right now for a weekend marriage retreat in November.
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on Jun 16, 2016 16:55:52 GMT
25 years here. There have been deep valleys of ruts and amazing mountain peaks of joy. Talking doesn't work for me (as in talking about what's going wrong) it just makes me anxious. Actions speak louder than words in my universe. I remember a few years ago there was a woman that decided for her husband's 40th birthday she would give him 365 days of sex. Not too long into it it became a chore for both of them. However the biggest takeaway for me was the connection that intimacy creates. That is usually what we're missing during the crazy kid years. I say fake it till you make it. It does make a difference. It isn't just sex, it's also the intimacy of fun, planning for your future together, just being the 2 of you together. Treat him how you want to be treated and don't keep score.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 16, 2016 17:34:45 GMT
I have only been with my current DH for five years. There's still passion and we haven't had a lull. Both of us work to create a relationship that keeps the love and passion burning. I highly recommend the love languages book. Some of the things we do is:
Plan one on one time, his love language is quality time so I try to plan fun things for us to do together. At the very least once a week, we go out to eat together just the two of us. Surprise each other, I often buy cards that have nice sentiments in them and leave them with love notes for him. He often brings me home ice cream or some kind of treat. Go to bed at the same time, he recently took a job with an earlier start time so he is going to bed earlier. I have made it so that I go to bed with him and I get up earlier and exercise in the morning. Going to bed together, we kiss, we cuddle, we talk. He holds me until I fall asleep every night. My love language is physical touch. Cook his favorite meal regularly. I try to make sure he has his favorite homemade macaroni and cheese at least once a month, sometimes twice. Show appreciation. I tell him that I appreciate his handiwork doing the lawn care and he always says thank you for cooking him a good meal or doing his laundry. He always makes me feel like I am appreciated. Compliment one another. I notice when he shaves and will often say he looks handsome. I can often be spotted checking him out appreciatively when he's walking around the bedroom in his underwear too. He always says I look nice when I wear a dress, he notices every time. He also is always the first person to say I look nice when I've just had my hair done. Text him periodically just to see how he's doing. I check in with my husband several times a day. I don't want to be a nuisance when he's trying to work, but one of us always sends a good morning text to the other and then that sets the conversation in motion for the rest of the day. He will check in when he has breaks and I will check in when I have breaks. Do talk dirty. I think it's important to make each other feel sexy and desired. I think it helps get me in the mood when we talk naughty to each other.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 9:00:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 18:35:31 GMT
Granted, DH and I only have been married for 5 years but after a failed marriage, I feel like I know what I need to ensure I'm satisfied in every way. I ask DH what is it he needs from me. After 5 years, we're still acting like we've only been together for a year or less. I find that just telling him X makes him attractive to me. He started a new job a year ago where dress pants and button up shirts were required. Before, he could go into work wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I finally got him to buy some real dress shoes. The transformation is complete and some days, he looks really good and I make sure I tell him that. There's one outfit that really makes me swoon and is pretty much guaranteed to lead to some action in the bedroom that night. He knows it and will wear it when he wants that action Lately, we've realized that actually going out on dates makes a difference. And weekend getaways are important, especially if you're older, been together for a while, and have settled into this boring routine. We did a weekend getaway back in Jan and realized we really enjoyed it. It was just us so it gave us the whole weekend to just be together, talk, and forget about the every day routine of life. Now we're making a point of doing that twice a year at least. We're going away in August.
|
|
peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
|
Post by peaname on Jun 16, 2016 18:40:06 GMT
20 years for us. Put him first. Make the effort and he'll reciprocate. Let go of resentment. Spend time together without the kids. We just went on a short vacation together and reignited the flame. For us, a good bottle of wine can make an evening very special.
|
|
|
Post by myboysnme on Jun 16, 2016 18:47:07 GMT
Same boat here. 28 year marriage, kids 25 and 22. Big ole rut. He would be open to more sex, I would be open to more shared activities. We have neither at this point.
|
|
Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
|
Post by Peamac on Jun 16, 2016 18:59:10 GMT
He started a new job a year ago where dress pants and button up shirts were required. Before, he could go into work wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I finally got him to buy some real dress shoes. The transformation is complete and some days, he looks really good and I make sure I tell him that. There's one outfit that really makes me swoon and is pretty much guaranteed to lead to some action in the bedroom that night. He knows it and will wear it when he wants that action I was surprised last year to find out that I'm not the only woman who thinks a guy looks extra great with his shirt sleeves folded up. As in, a dress shirt with long sleeves, cuffs folded once or twice. I have no idea what it is about that, but it was a topic of conversation last year when DD's boyfriend was visiting. It was a shock to DH (who often dressed like that for work)- he looked at me like I was crazy, but DD or her BF had read something about it recently. ETA- We've been married 26 years today!
|
|
|
Post by Dictionary on Jun 16, 2016 19:01:40 GMT
26 years and I think it's the one on one time that's important. Take time to do things together, you get along, you make each other smile and laugh so just getting that time in things will naturally take their course and you find yourself wanting to do nice things for each other. Start with walks around the neighborhood, add in other activities, plan a cook night where you both cook a meal together. Being together allows you to talk about your future, what each likes or doesn't like and where you need to work on things you want to do better, you can discuss trips and holidays and just enjoy being together. It's like dating all over again.
Then for you as mentioned above start thinking about doing nice things for him..but don't do it for him expecting him to do something nice for you or you will be disappointed when he doesn't. You do it because you want to and it makes you feel good.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 16, 2016 19:04:15 GMT
After 5 years, we're still acting like we've only been together for a year or less. I find that just telling him X makes him attractive to me. He started a new job a year ago where dress pants and button up shirts were required. Before, he could go into work wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I finally got him to buy some real dress shoes. The transformation is complete and some days, he looks really good and I make sure I tell him that. There's one outfit that really makes me swoon and is pretty much guaranteed to lead to some action in the bedroom that night. He knows it and will wear it when he wants that action My husband does the same. I always know he's looking forward to some lovin when he puts on his red pair of underwear. It's like a little joke between us.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 4, 2024 9:00:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 16, 2016 19:08:04 GMT
Ask "what can I do for you and with you that would make you feel extra special and romantic?"
And be prepared to answer the reciprocal question.
For us, we go away so we can focus on each other and straighten out any conflicts.
|
|
|
Post by houston249 on Jun 16, 2016 19:10:48 GMT
I think that everyone goes through this in their relationships (even in friendships). I also think that it happens more than once and that it is perfectly normal. I am thinking you want more for your relationship than just more sex?
In my case I watch the movie Fireproof (again). I like that the characters recognize what they are doing that is not working, what actions are time suckers. Basically taking resposibility for their own actions and NOT looking at the other person to do this. The characters also purposely start doing things each day to show appreciation toward the other and no matter the reaction of the other, they keep plugging away. ( the character commits to doing this for 40 days). In a sense, the characters start dating again to get to know each other again.
There is a religous basis, but honestly, the movie teaches you where to focus your attention and how to handle the negitive and positive reactions of the other partner. You do NOT have to follow the religious aspect.
|
|
|
Post by chitchatgirl on Jun 16, 2016 19:22:07 GMT
So I've only been married just shy of 5 years, but I'm always looking at ideas to keep the romance going. There's a website that has some fun ideas that I look at occasionally: The Dating DivasThey have lots of date ideas. Some are really good, others are just too goofy for us...
|
|
luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
|
Post by luvnlifelady on Jun 16, 2016 22:33:57 GMT
Same boat here. 28 year marriage, kids 25 and 22. Big ole rut. He would be open to more sex, I would be open to more shared activities. We have neither at this point. I think you hit the nail on the head. Intimacy outside the bedroom helps intimacy inside the bedroom. We have neither right now. I do engage in his passion of geocaching but unfortunately with work, we only have one day a weekend together to pack everything in and that makes it hard with other things getting in the way. Unfortunately, he does not take any interest in my passions.
|
|
|
Post by newfcathy on Jun 16, 2016 22:40:06 GMT
Been together for 37 years, married for almost 29. We always try to be kind and be polite to each other. We quickly touch base with each other several times a day, quick texts, funny things. I don't ever talk behind his back. We always have each other's back. We do need more dates. We aren't perfect, we do bicker some times.
|
|
|
Post by peasapie on Jun 16, 2016 22:44:34 GMT
Friends of ours just came back from a marriage encounter weekend and said they found it very helpful to restart communication.
Our kids are all gone from the house, so we have lots of time to go to dinner together and chat. I think it was hardest when the children were younger and no time as a couple.
|
|