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Post by shanniebananie on Jun 29, 2016 21:31:48 GMT
If you had a terrible relationship, or no relationship at all with a parent, did you attend their funeral? Or make amends if you knew they were dying?
What about if you were a sibling and one of your brothers or sisters hated a parent, how did you feel (or would feel) if they showed up to the funeral?
I ask because my sister has had little contact with my mother for several years and is down right hateful towards her when she is in her presence. She expresses no love at all for her. Her behavior has had a very negative impact on the family, especially the few times we are all together and she can't even say a nice word and will literally turn away from my mom and walk out of the room whenever my mother comes in. My sister has a borderline personality mixed with narcissism. My mother is by no means perfect but she has reached out several times to repair their relationship and has been met with absolutely no response from my sister. This situation just crushes her and has had a very negative impact on her quality of life.
My mom is not in the best of health and she has already survived one round of cancer. I keep hoping my sister and her will make amends so that if my mom passes away suddenly, there won't be such a black cloud surrounding their relationship.
I also think I will be full of rage if my sister would decide to show up at the funeral to honor someone she was beyond hateful to when she was alive. I really would love to tell her she is banned from coming but I know that would create a war between her and myself and my dad, who still has a relationship with her. Still, I am not sure I would be able to contain my rage. She would definitely use the death of her mother to gain sympathy for herself.
If you have been in this situation, either as a sibling or the person who doesn't have a relationship, what did you do in regards to the funeral or making amends before death?
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Post by red88 on Jun 29, 2016 21:54:15 GMT
Sorry for your situation. I have not experienced the death of my "parent", but when they do die I have no desire to attend the funeral, I have no desire to even know if/when they die.
There is nothing you can do to make your sister make amends, that is on her. I don't know your history, but from what you have written, describing her as a narcissist, she will more than likely show up the the funeral, just because narcissists like to do that kind of shit. If she does make a scene, I would ignore her & not buy into her drama. Try to keep your rage under control. I know that is a lot to do, but it would be better in a funeral setting & for everyone involved. I wish I had better advise for you. I wish the best for your mother, what a terrible situation to be in.
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scrappinspidey2
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Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Jun 29, 2016 22:04:34 GMT
My father and I had a very strained relationship and for many many years we had no contact with each other. He was a very very manipulative person and I didn't want my kids affected by that. However when he became terminal, my step mother contacted me and asked if I would be willing to come down and see him. I did and I don't regret it. There was no hallmark moment of reconciliation but I feel it was important for me to see him. He did ask me some questions that I answered to give him peace. It also gave me peace. There was no volatile fight or angry words like there had been in the decades previously. I didn't lie to him, but I didn't tear him apart over his behavior either. I did not attend the funeral as I couldn't afford both trips and he wanted to see me before. That being said, after my husband died, my dads family showed up for the services. I had not seen or spoken to most of them in a very long time. How they even got the info I don' know. My step mom had contacted me about it and the only thing I remember in that fog was that I specifically asked that a certain aunt not contact me during the services. Her and I do not get along and this was not the time to hash out that kind of thing. Between the church Service and the service in the Courtyard, she cornered me in the bathroom to tell me how much she "loved me" and was "sorry for my loss" etc. I only recognized her because she threw down my cousins name. I was angry. She was removed by officers which started a whole different drama and a lecture by my cousin on how I needed to forgive and forget...On the day of my husbands funeral Yeah so not the time.... I have always wondered why they showed up. We did not have that kind of family relationship with any of them. They drove 12+ hours in some cases to show up at this thing. It was bizarre. I wasn't too mad as I was too foggy to have enough energy to conjure up that emotion.
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Post by mom on Jun 29, 2016 22:08:23 GMT
Not the same thing, but when my stepmother passes, I will not be attending her funeral (assuming my father has passed before her, he is consideraly older than she is). I would probably want to know but there is no way I would go.
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TankTop
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jun 29, 2016 22:10:59 GMT
I have not seen my mother since I was a teen.
She has made zero attempts to reconcile with me or apologize for the things she did.
I have no interest in seeing her or going to her funera when the time comes. I do not feel the need to honor her in any way. My heart longs for a mother, just not my mother. Too many hurts still hurt.
However, your situation sounds totally different. I really feel as if each person has to choose for themselves what is best.
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Post by jtmom on Jun 29, 2016 22:15:59 GMT
I agree with red88, there is nothing you can do if she was to show up, so you might want to work on your reaction and not let her get to you.
How is your relationship with your sister? Is there any way you can talk to her now while your mother is still here? If she says she doesn't care then I would tell her something along the lines of "we will let you know when she passes however we see no reason for you to attend any services". You need to worry about your feelings not hers, you might think your being too harsh but what respect is your sister showing anyone but herself?
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Post by leannec on Jun 29, 2016 22:24:25 GMT
Your situation is totally different from mine ... My father sexually abused me for many years and I eventually prosecuted him and he served time in jail ... He has been out for a long time now and is living his life as if nothing happened as far as I know I want to know when he dies but I definitely have no intention of attending his funeral ... I do need the closure though ...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2016 22:30:31 GMT
If you had a terrible relationship, or no relationship at all with a parent, did you attend their funeral? Or make amends if you knew they were dying? What about if you were a sibling and one of your brothers or sisters hated a parent, how did you feel (or would feel) if they showed up to the funeral? I ask because my sister has had little contact with my mother for several years and is down right hateful towards her when she is in her presence. She expresses no love at all for her. Her behavior has had a very negative impact on the family, especially the few times we are all together and she can't even say a nice word and will literally turn away from my mom and walk out of the room whenever my mother comes in. My sister has a borderline personality mixed with narcissism. My mother is by no means perfect but she has reached out several times to repair their relationship and has been met with absolutely no response from my sister. This situation just crushes her and has had a very negative impact on her quality of life. My mom is not in the best of health and she has already survived one round of cancer. I keep hoping my sister and her will make amends so that if my mom passes away suddenly, there won't be such a black cloud surrounding their relationship. I also think I will be full of rage if my sister would decide to show up at the funeral to honor someone she was beyond hateful to when she was alive. I really would love to tell her she is banned from coming but I know that would create a war between her and myself and my dad, who still has a relationship with her. Still, I am not sure I would be able to contain my rage. She would definitely use the death of her mother to gain sympathy for herself. If you have been in this situation, either as a sibling or the person who doesn't have a relationship, what did you do in regards to the funeral or making amends before death? This is how my family feels about me. They refuse to accept that my mother told me my children weren't like her real grandchildren. Plus my father died because I didn't help care for him. Just put the announcement in the paper.... Btw she may not want to listed, I certainly didn't.
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jun 29, 2016 22:38:58 GMT
If she has an actual psychiatric diagnosis of borderline personality disorder then her relationship with your mother has a clinical foundation. The national institute of mental health defines BPD as a serious mental illness marked by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. It's no different then someone being diagnoses with a heart condition, or diabetes etc. I am not saying it's easy to live around someone with this type of disorder but the actual disorder is marked by the inability to have what we call normal relationships. If she wants to be an her own mother's funeral I don't see why she couldn't be.
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Post by hop2 on Jun 29, 2016 22:59:09 GMT
That is an incredibly individual Choice that could be affected by so many different variables. Do what you need to do. Allow others to do what they need to do. Hugs.
While I never cut my mother completely off, our relationship for years was thru my father or when forced it was a 'how's the weather, the kids are fine-talk to you later' kind of thing. Not really beyond a conversation I'd have with a fellow parent acquaintance.
I was there when she died, not for her, not even for me, but because I felt I needed to model the appropriate behavior that I would expect my kids to demonstrate. My mother wasn't always *that* bad and we will never know how much of her nastiness was part of the personality change with her dementia. While she sucked as a mother to me up until my father died she was a good grandmother to my children therefore I felt I should do what I felt was 'the right thing' for me ymmv.
I did also attend my mother's funeral for one thing my kids did finally loose that good grandma. But I also found that I had more to grieve than that. It surprised me. I really thought my mother's death would be a relief. The dementia was not going to get any better. Yet I grieved hard for the mother she just could not be. She was this wonderful person to all and sundry I had tons of people telling me all about the generous and blessed things my mother had done for them. I snapped. I was like Where the F was that person for ME all these years.
Anyhow. Each person needs to do what they feel they can do, what they feel they can live with, and what they feel they can do after looking at it thru the lense of what their kids could take away from it if they have any.
For me, I'd have felt like a heel if I couldn't care for while she died and Grieve this person who had been wonderful to *MY* kids. They were too young to understand that she was a kind and loving grandma to them while tearing me down and filling our relationship with insults or backhanded compliments. All my kids saw was a loving Grandma who had been changed by a disease in her brain. Especially since my children had already witnessed how I had cared for and grieved my father.
Had my sister skipped the funeral of my mother I wouldn't have said boo because my mother wasn't a kind and loving grandmother to her kids unless my dad was there watching. She did the same sort of backhanded shit to them as she did to me & my sisters. But she was there with my mother at the end and she went to the funeral because the funeral is for the people who are left not my mother and she was there for her nieces & nephews.
Anyway like I said this is a very individual decision there isn't a right or a wrong. And each person needs to work thru this how they needed to.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 30, 2016 0:14:17 GMT
Have sort of a similar situation, but i'm just a bystander really. dh and his father had a falling out 20+ years ago. Over the years dh has on a couple of occasions attended events where father was and they just don't speak. There was one time dh reached out to him, met with him and walked away saying father hadn't changed any and he was good being done with him (this was maybe 8ish years ago.)
Since then FIL's health has been declining. He's been hospitalized several times. dh is usually called/texted by his brother. The last time around brother was very concerned that he may not make it. Here's the weird part to me....dh pretty much expects to be informed, is very annoyed when he's not kept in the loop and updated on his condition. Yet it's not even a consideration to go see him, patch things up or anything of the sort. If FIL is healthy there is never any word on him, nor does dh seem to care. It's only when he's ill that he wants to be kept in the loop.
I find the whole thing very strange and although I have never asked, i'd be willing to bet he'll attend his funeral. To me if I was dh's brother, while I may inform him of what is going on, i'd be pissed at the expectation since has no intention of doing anything with the information. I think i'd also be annoyed at his presence at a funeral also, much like you.
No advice for you, but I can definitely see your side of things.
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MsKnit
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Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
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Post by MsKnit on Jun 30, 2016 0:26:03 GMT
What are your birth orders? Also, is there a big age difference.
I ask because we are going through some stuff right now. I am the oldest. My youngest sister was expressing some frustration with the other sibling and her 'cold-heartedness.' My youngest sister had no idea why the sibling was behaving so 'cold-hearted.' She has a completely different experience in our family than the rest of us. Being the oldest I saw an awful lot of crap.
This isn't the first time I informed her of some family facts. It upsets her so much. I don't like being the bearer of the family disfunction either. However, I told her I would always be honest with her. I'm always shocked at what she doesn't know.
Anyway, I couldn't fault my sibling for needing to do what she needs to do for closure. You may have no idea what you are missing. If you see her needing/begging for 'sympathy' over her mother's death, it isn't on you. If she's as bad as you think, people are already aware of her manipulation. Take care of you.
Personally, I don't know what I want to know. I don't know if I will show up for the funeral. If I do, it will be to keep peace with my siblings. I don't want to burn those bridges.
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MsKnit
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Post by MsKnit on Jun 30, 2016 0:32:58 GMT
Have sort of a similar situation, but i'm just a bystander really. dh and his father had a falling out 20+ years ago. Over the years dh has on a couple of occasions attended events where father was and they just don't speak. There was one time dh reached out to him, met with him and walked away saying father hadn't changed any and he was good being done with him (this was maybe 8ish years ago.) Since then FIL's health has been declining. He's been hospitalized several times. dh is usually called/texted by his brother. The last time around brother was very concerned that he may not make it. Here's the weird part to me....dh pretty much expects to be informed, is very annoyed when he's not kept in the loop and updated on his condition. Yet it's not even a consideration to go see him, patch things up or anything of the sort. If FIL is healthy there is never any word on him, nor does dh seem to care. It's only when he's ill that he wants to be kept in the loop. I find the whole thing very strange and although I have never asked, i'd be willing to bet he'll attend his funeral. To me if I was dh's brother, while I may inform him of what is going on, i'd be pissed at the expectation since has no intention of doing anything with the information. I think i'd also be annoyed at his presence at a funeral also, much like you. No advice for you, but I can definitely see your side of things. Walking in his shoes is not easy. You want something different. You know you are never going to have the parent that you should. Yet, as angry and hurt as they can be, they are still your parent. You care. You don't care. You are done. It's easy to be done when they are healthy. You wonder what happens if they become that sick or if they pass. So you don't cut all ties, because there is that little part of you that, I don't know, hopes or is left with .5% doubt. I don't know if I want to know. Yet, one of my siblings doggedly keeps me in the loop. I won't stop her to keep from hurting her. However, I also have that little bit of doubt of how I will feel in the future. Things weren't always this bad between us. There are good memories.
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marimoose
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Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on Jun 30, 2016 1:45:24 GMT
I stopped talking to my mother a final time 14 years ago as of a few days ago. She is getting up their in age and suffers from dementia. She lives with my brother and I never go near his home though my brother and I have a good relationship - we see each other in neutral spots usually. I did stop at his house a couple of months ago and my mother has no idea who I am, which is why I was comfortable enough to stop. in. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not attend funerals, no matter who, so this won't be an issue. I know if I did choose to attend that it wouldn't be an issue. There are always two sides to every story so it is not for me to judge or be judged.
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Post by destined2bmom on Jun 30, 2016 3:09:05 GMT
This topic hits home for me.
My mother passed yesterday and I along with my nephews have been making the arrangements.
One of my brothers had not talked to my mom or any of the rest of us in years. In September, she started showing signs of dementia. Once he found out, he started blaming me for her condition. I think it was because he felt guilty for not having contact with her, and I am the only girl. We had to block him from calling our phone.
She went into hospice last Thursday and my nephew called him. He got a new phone number and called and chewed me out for not telling him. Meanwhile I was at the hospital, talking to doctors and nurses and telling my mom how much I loved her. I am now in charge of her arrangements. Now he cannot attend her funeral because of his health (He can't fly). And I am looking forward to a drama free funeral that honors my mom's life and the incredible, amazing person she was all off her life.
If he decided to attend, I wouldn't be able to change it and if he started something I would have him escorted away until he could calm down. Maybe if she attends you can come up with a game plan, so that you can honor your mom.
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hannahruth
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Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Jun 30, 2016 3:37:51 GMT
I did not attend the funeral of my father although not my choice, his wife of the time (#4) chose not to tell us he had died!
Even though your sister did not have a good relationship with your mother she still may want to attend the funeral, not to be the beloved daughter but she has her own grieving to go through.
Grieving for what has gone, for what can never be. She has no future to make amends. She may regret her past behaviour, she may not, but as a daughter she may feel the need to be there to say her goodbye as well.
In your shoes I would not extend any anger or for that matter even acknowledgement of her being there. You too have a right to grieve the mother you have lost without the complication of the broken relationship with your sister.
To confront her is not appropriate at the funeral, it is neither the time or place and would, IMHO be disrespectful.
Im sorry you have to deal with this but it will make you the bigger person to not react to this situation as hard as it is, but go and say goodbye to your mother and be at peace within yourself.
Hugs.
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Post by mlynn on Jun 30, 2016 5:47:09 GMT
Unless it is a private event, there is not really anything you can do about her coming. I would not address it with her. You will just create more victim opportunity for her and others will think poorly of you for it.
Your sister was also your mother's baby. My siblings have never forgiven me for being born or for things my grandmother said about me. (Crazy, dysfunctional family). But I was still my mother's little girl. And I still belonged at the funeral, though our relationship was often strained. There was really only about a 5-7 year time during which we had a good relationship. But I still belonged at her funeral.
The only thing you have any control over is how you react to her being there. Whether or not you approach her. You do not even have control over whether she approaches you. My siblings behaved abominably at her funeral. The most appropriate one was the one who never approached me. One even went for blood (though it backfired, which only exacerbated things.)
Go about things as you need to in preparation. Pray for God's protection and that things go as smoothly as possible. Let your sister be with those who choose to comfort her. Simply do not choose to be one of them.
My parents split up for good when I was 2 years old. I do not remember ever living with him. I only remember seeing him a handful of times. I had a lot of anger toward him - and I turned on him around 5th grade because of some things he did to one of my brothers who lived with him for a while. And yet, when he had surgery I was tempted to go to Seattle where he was - in part to see what my feelings were. And when he died post-surgery, I planned on going to the funeral until I had a severe allergic reaction that landed me in the ER. Even though there had never really been a relationship.
ETA: I am not sure what is going on with font size. I tried to edit to fix it, but I cannot figure out how. Sorry!
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Post by monicad on Jun 30, 2016 6:50:30 GMT
My mother and I have no relationship. I doubt there will be a big funeral as she's alienated almost everyone. I think I'd like to have some closure so yes...I might attend something.
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Post by monicad on Jun 30, 2016 6:53:13 GMT
I have not seen my mother since I was a teen. She has made zero attempts to reconcile with me or apologize for the things she did. I have no interest in seeing her or going to her funera when the time comes. I do not feel the need to honor her in any way. My heart longs for a mother, just not my mother. Too many hurts still hurt. However, your situation sounds totally different. I really feel as if each person has to choose for themselves what is best. I'm sorry. You're not alone. ((Hugs))
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2016 11:27:36 GMT
My siblings and I all had pretty difficult relationships with our dad. When he died, some things that we found out about him made it even worse. At that point In time, all three of us were so hurt and angry, that we didn't really want to go to his funeral, much less arrange it, but we had to for our mom and his remaining brother.
I guess the only advice I could offer would be to work on coming to terms with the fact that the only behavior you can control is your own. You can't fix the way your sister treats your mom, or even the way she feels about her. It doesn't sound like you could tell her not to come if your father still has a relationship with her, so my advice would be to work on a game plan for how you're going to cope if/when she shows up. I'd even recommend seeing a counselor to help you deal with the anger. You do have the advantage of having some time to prepare yourself.
I hope it works out the best that it can for you. I'm sorry--I know how hard it is to deal with serious family dysfunction.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jun 30, 2016 11:36:34 GMT
This topic hits home for me. My mother passed yesterday and I along with my nephews have been making the arrangements. One of my brothers had not talked to my mom or any of the rest of us in years. In September, she started showing signs of dementia. Once he found out, he started blaming me for her condition. I think it was because he felt guilty for not having contact with her, and I am the only girl. We had to block him from calling our phone. She went into hospice last Thursday and my nephew called him. He got a new phone number and called and chewed me out for not telling him. Meanwhile I was at the hospital, talking to doctors and nurses and telling my mom how much I loved her. I am now in charge of her arrangements. Now he cannot attend her funeral because of his health (He can't fly). And I am looking forward to a drama free funeral that honors my mom's life and the incredible, amazing person she was all off her life. If he decided to attend, I wouldn't be able to change it and if he started something I would have him escorted away until he could calm down. Maybe if she attends you can come up with a game plan, so that you can honor your mom. I'm sorry for your loss. It's horrible that on top of that you have to deal with your brother's behavior. ((HUGS))
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Post by Tamhugh on Jun 30, 2016 13:28:58 GMT
As one of the posters said above, I see a funeral as being for the living and not for the deceased. If your sister has a relationship with your dad, he might want and need her there. She may decide not to come and you won't have to worry about it. If she does come, just stick close to your friends and family and let her deal with her own issues. When my dad passed away, we had a small amount of family drama and I just tried to so what I could do to help my mom and stay out of the fray. It is all too emotionally draining as it is.
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MerryMom
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Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Jun 30, 2016 16:02:33 GMT
Your sister's decision to attend or not attend a funeral is her decision. It is between her and her mother and whatever relationship status they are in or not in. Since your dad has some type of relationship with your sister, then your "rage" is misplaced.
Let it go. You go to funerals, or you do not go to funerals, for your own reasons. Just as you want your reasons respected, so does your sister.
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Post by shanniebananie on Jun 30, 2016 18:29:24 GMT
Thank you ladies for your very thoughtful replies. I am sorry to read so much pain in them. I know that my feelings and emotions are the only ones I can control. I am the middle child, the peacemaker, and I hate that there is strife in our family. I have an extremely long fuse and it takes a lot to get me upset enough to show it to others. I would hate to have drama at the mother's funeral because it would hurt my dad terribly. I pray daily for my mother and sister, especially my sister. I would hate for my mother to pass and for my sister to regret her treatment towards her. But, I know there is nothing I can do to repair it.
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Post by destined2bmom on Jul 1, 2016 0:30:29 GMT
This topic hits home for me. My mother passed yesterday and I along with my nephews have been making the arrangements. One of my brothers had not talked to my mom or any of the rest of us in years. In September, she started showing signs of dementia. Once he found out, he started blaming me for her condition. I think it was because he felt guilty for not having contact with her, and I am the only girl. We had to block him from calling our phone. She went into hospice last Thursday and my nephew called him. He got a new phone number and called and chewed me out for not telling him. Meanwhile I was at the hospital, talking to doctors and nurses and telling my mom how much I loved her. I am now in charge of her arrangements. Now he cannot attend her funeral because of his health (He can't fly). And I am looking forward to a drama free funeral that honors my mom's life and the incredible, amazing person she was all off her life. If he decided to attend, I wouldn't be able to change it and if he started something I would have him escorted away until he could calm down. Maybe if she attends you can come up with a game plan, so that you can honor your mom. I'm sorry for your loss. It's horrible that on top of that you have to deal with your brother's behavior. ((HUGS)) Thank you!
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Post by quinmm14 on Jul 1, 2016 2:25:21 GMT
I haven't spoken to my mother in over 25 years, I still have a relationship with my sister so I'll know when she passes.
I won't attend her funeral, I grieved for the mother I wish she would have been several years ago.
destined2bmom, I'm sorry for your loss.
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Post by kernriver on Jul 1, 2016 2:54:37 GMT
My mother was awful when my sister was dying. She came to the funeral and acted sad. It pissed me off at the time but now I think so what.
would your mother want you to be filled with rage at her funeral? Probably not.
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Post by finally~a~mama on Jul 1, 2016 5:31:18 GMT
I haven't had a relationship with my father in 20 years. He was verbally & emotionally abusive. My brothers have some (limited) contact with him. I know they don't quite "get" why I don't see him. I'm sure they will let me know when he passes. I will probably attend the services as a last moment of closure for myself. But after reading this, I think when that time comes I will ask my brothers if that is okay with them. I wouldn't want to hurt or upset them.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2016 8:32:30 GMT
That is tough with your sister. My dad has never really been in my life. I don't know if he is dead or alive nor do his siblings. I don't know if I would attend his funeral or not. I have forgiven him and don't have any bad feelings for him, I just don't know if I would travel to a funeral.
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carhoch
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Jun 28, 2014 21:46:39 GMT
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Post by carhoch on Jul 1, 2016 9:10:13 GMT
This topic hits home for me. My mother passed yesterday and I along with my nephews have been making the arrangements. One of my brothers had not talked to my mom or any of the rest of us in years. In September, she started showing signs of dementia. Once he found out, he started blaming me for her condition. I think it was because he felt guilty for not having contact with her, and I am the only girl. We had to block him from calling our phone. She went into hospice last Thursday and my nephew called him. He got a new phone number and called and chewed me out for not telling him. Meanwhile I was at the hospital, talking to doctors and nurses and telling my mom how much I loved her. I am now in charge of her arrangements. Now he cannot attend her funeral because of his health (He can't fly). And I am looking forward to a drama free funeral that honors my mom's life and the incredible, amazing person she was all off her life. If he decided to attend, I wouldn't be able to change it and if he started something I would have him escorted away until he could calm down. Maybe if she attends you can come up with a game plan, so that you can honor your mom. I am very sorry for your loss
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