|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 7, 2016 3:30:55 GMT
I have a group of mutual friends that I've know for at least 5 years and at the most 20 years.
One of my dear friends that I've known the longest has a small child. This friend has parents (child's grandparents) as does his spouse.
Another friend in the group (older than us by 20 years) has "claimed" my other friends child as THEIR grandchild. This friend has grown children neither of which have children, 1 is single, other is married gay, both NY fast paced professionals, not sure if they want to have kids).
I keep seeing the proclaimed grandpa in photos that I'm really sad for my daddy friend to not be in with his own son.
This grandpa friend takes the child and does all the " firsts" with him. Pumpkin patch, Santa, Halloween costumes. Today, they were at a HRC rally. Grandpa friend was carrying child and daddy friend and spouse were with him too, and it ended up that grandpa friend was holding child and took photo/spoke with Hillary (and daddy was not in photo nor taking photo)
This grandpa friend doesn't seem to care either, I've heard him say he's not going to stop spoiling the child (and he allows things that the parents don't)
Grandpa friend is can be overbearing, I've heard him say that he's too old to be changing for anyone. He's a huge diva when we are together, and everything is ALWAYS about him. He gets bitchy if you try to tell him anything other than what he is doing.
I also wonder how the real grandparents feel--seeing this other guy post all over Facebook about HUS grandson!
I KNOW this isn't anything that I'm going to butt into, I just feel really sad for my friend who is being sidelined by this overbearing ass!
I know, I know, daddy friend should put a stop to it, and I've seen him try to nip it, then grandpa goes and does it in another room. I've seen my friend try to say no, and I also have seen him upset that he's been upstaged as a dad.
And to be fair, child calls me Auntie even though I'm not related, but I don't do what this other guy does.
I just feel like this guy is stealing moments of other friends life!
What would you think?
|
|
Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,947
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
|
Post by Nink on Nov 7, 2016 3:34:20 GMT
I think as long as they keep allowing it then why change. I would think if the parents had a problem with they would stop letting him come along.
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Nov 7, 2016 3:38:43 GMT
Not enough info.
How do the parents feel about it?
How do the bio grandparents feel? Do they take the baby to do things? Do they live close?
|
|
|
Post by gritzi on Nov 7, 2016 3:42:30 GMT
From the outside looking in & not knowing anything about anyone, my red flag instincts would be waving & concerns would be peaked. If the parents aren't concerned & are okay with "Grandpa Friend" then no one can really do or say anything.
|
|
happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
|
Post by happymomma on Nov 7, 2016 3:43:33 GMT
Does the child adore 'grandpa'? I'm of the mind that a child can never have too many people loving it. But, if it bothers Daddy, he needs to step up and change it. Until then...it'll keep happening. Because why wouldn't it?
|
|
|
Post by papersilly on Nov 7, 2016 3:45:40 GMT
It's odd but if the parents are ok with it then what can you do? I'm sad for the real grandparents but if they were bothered, then the parents should step in on their behalf.
|
|
|
Post by Zee on Nov 7, 2016 3:49:23 GMT
If daddy is sad, he should shut it down. If not, let the older friend enjoy time with his "grandson", as long as there's no creepy vibe and the child enjoys spending time with "grandpa".
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 7, 2016 3:52:59 GMT
Well I know that sometimes my friend is bothered by it based on his comments or demeanor (if I'm there too).
I agree, he lets it continue--he has tried to stop him or nip it but I feel that he gets pushed over. Both parents are laid back, quiet people.
The sets of real grandparents 1 local, the other out of state but they travel once a month to see.
This is just me being sad/upset for my friend seeing these moments being capitalized by someone else!
I base my feelings too on hearing (knowing) that this other friend is like he is, he has to have everything his way. I've worked with him before and have a huge boundary with him because of his talk of others.
I just wondered how others would feel about this.
|
|
|
Post by mrssmith on Nov 7, 2016 3:53:26 GMT
I keep seeing the proclaimed grandpa in photos that I'm really sad for my daddy friend to not be in with his own son. This grandpa friend takes the child and does all the " firsts" with him. Pumpkin patch, Santa, Halloween costumes. Today, they were at a HRC rally. Grandpa friend was carrying child and daddy friend and spouse were with him too, and it ended up that grandpa friend was holding child and took photo/spoke with Hillary (and daddy was not in photo nor taking photo) This grandpa friend doesn't seem to care either, I've heard him say he's not going to stop spoiling the child (and he allows things that the parents don't) Well, if this is a small child, the parents must be allowing Grandpa Friend to take their kid to these places, right? What does the mother say? Have you talked to your friends about it? Save
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 7, 2016 3:54:16 GMT
Definitely no creepy vibe!
And I do agree, the more love the child gets the better!!
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 7, 2016 4:02:19 GMT
First, I have to say that I'm the parent of a kid with no living grandparents, so I thank heaven every day for our dear friends who have so graciously stepped into that role for her and for us. I realize that this isn't the same situation because the child in your OP does have living grandparents.
However, because we're talking about a young child, the parents are no doubt allowing 'adopted grandpa' to be as involved as he is with this kid or it wouldn't be happening. Seriously, how hard is it to NOT tell 'grandpa' when they're going to see Santa or hitting the pumpkin patch, or to make plans with the kid's actual grandparents to do those things? Obviously someone is clueing this guy in on the impending plans for all of these magical moments so he knows when and where they're happening, right?
My guess is that for whatever reason, the actual grandparents are either unable or unwilling to do those things with the child, and here is this guy who is. The parents aren't opposed to having someone in their kid's life in that doting grandparent capacity so they let him. Or maybe the actual grandparents are also doing that stuff with their grandchild but they're not on social media so it just doesn't show up there.
The thing I would take issue with (as the parent) would be that he allows things the parents don't, but then that is on them too if they refuse to put their foot down and put a stop to it. FWIW, our 'adopted grandparents' have let our DD do some stuff that we probably wouldn't normally allow, but you know what? That's generally what grandparents DO so we just roll with it no differently than if it was our own parents doing the spoiling.
The parents have a lot of power here regardless of how overbearing their friend is, and it's absolutely up to them who they allow to be involved with their kid and at what level.
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Nov 7, 2016 4:11:03 GMT
How does the family friend have constant access to the child? I'm trying to figure out how that would even work if the parents weren't happy about it. He just shows up on the front doorstep and says "I'm taking your kid to a pumpkin patch now"? "I'm here to take baby to a political rally"? That's just . . . weird.
This one is on the parents. Either they are fine with it, in which case that's the end of it, or they aren't, in which case they need to parent up and say, "actually, we were planning on taking Little Precious to his first pumpkin patch next week, and he's not available to go now."
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 7, 2016 4:17:27 GMT
I keep seeing the proclaimed grandpa in photos that I'm really sad for my daddy friend to not be in with his own son. This grandpa friend takes the child and does all the " firsts" with him. Pumpkin patch, Santa, Halloween costumes. Today, they were at a HRC rally. Grandpa friend was carrying child and daddy friend and spouse were with him too, and it ended up that grandpa friend was holding child and took photo/spoke with Hillary (and daddy was not in photo nor taking photo) This grandpa friend doesn't seem to care either, I've heard him say he's not going to stop spoiling the child (and he allows things that the parents don't) Well, if this is a small child, the parents must be allowing Grandpa Friend to take their kid to these places, right? What does the mother say? Have you talked to your friends about it? SaveI've not talked to my friend about it other than if he's mentioned something to me. I don't want to butt in--I've stated these are my feelings, and while I know that some things have upset my friend, it's his issue to handle. It's not always easy for friend to say no--like when trick or treat rolls around and boom--grandpa has already taken child for a costume (even knowing my friend was going to do it) or when we are all together and a new person comes up and starts saying oh what a cute child blah blah blah grandpa steps in and says well he's my grand child I did this that it the other and that's why he is so cute... I spent a lot of time with the child his first year+ friend brought baby to work. I taught him animal noises and a few other specific things. Grandpa takes credit for all that too!!! Lol!!! (He made the cat sound with child first...he made bird sound with child first...) the grandpa guy is just a big diva, has to be center of attention!
|
|
|
Post by mrssmith on Nov 7, 2016 4:34:50 GMT
That's so weird. I still don't get how grandpa friend would have taken the kid to get a costume without the parents' knowledge. Am I missing something?
I hope they set some boundaries.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 16:59:49 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2016 4:57:00 GMT
When I was a teacher, an 8 year old girl at the school went missing. Her family had a close relationship with their elderly next door neighbor who lived alone. He had known the girl since she was born and she had grown up thinking of him as her grandpa. His real granddaughter lived in another city a couple of hours away. One weekend the parents allowed him to take their daughter on a trip to meet this other girl who was the same age. A week later, after a massive police search, they found the man and the girl in a rented room a mile away from home. She had been severely sexually abused. He had been grooming the whole family since her birth. She never returned to school.
Creepy vibe or not, call me paranoid, but this guy has his own selfish agenda with this child.
|
|
|
Post by k8smom on Nov 7, 2016 5:55:26 GMT
I think how lucky this child is to have so many people who love him. I lost 3 of my 4 grandparents when I was very young and always yearned for that kind of relationship. I think I've actually wished out loud for substitute grandparents most of my life on many, many occasions.
|
|
|
Post by 2peaornot2pea on Nov 7, 2016 6:05:49 GMT
I agree it is good when children have multiple people who love them.
But, from what you have described I am getting a creepy vibe about grandpa friend. He is entirely too devoted to a child that has parents and grandparents who are active in this child's life. The child isn't in need of surrogates.
|
|
|
Post by lesserknownpea on Nov 7, 2016 6:11:50 GMT
I have a similar situation. While I have a good relationship with my dd and her boys, she actively cultivates friends of mine to bo "grandma and grandpa" because she prefers them to me. I keep telling myself that more love from more people is a good thing. And I love these friends a lot. Still, it can be unsettling.
|
|
anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
|
Post by anniebygaslight on Nov 7, 2016 7:36:05 GMT
I am getting a creepy vibe about grandpa friend. Me too. A very creepy vibe.
|
|
mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
|
Post by mallie on Nov 7, 2016 11:21:21 GMT
As a parent, our first responsibility is to do what is best for our child. Period.
Too bad so sad if it means going out of our laid back, hate to say no comfort zone. Tough shit. Grow up. Grow some big girl panties or a pair and tell this guy to back off and for the love of god, stop allowing him unsupervised access to their own child. His sense of entitlement to doing things with this child is out of the norm.
Because, wow, this behavior is not normal, screams of grooming.
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Nov 7, 2016 14:57:47 GMT
I get a grooming vibe too!
I think your friend needs to step up and set some boundaries..
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 7, 2016 15:14:09 GMT
That's so weird. I still don't get how grandpa friend would have taken the kid to get a costume without the parents' knowledge. Am I missing something? I hope they set some boundaries. This is the kind of thing I'm not understanding too. How is it possible for this person to take a young child anywhere without the parent's permission? My friends didn't even take my kid down the block to the park alone without my say so, and even then it would only be my MOST trusted friends that I would allow to take her anywhere.
|
|
|
Post by myshelly on Nov 7, 2016 15:17:13 GMT
That's so weird. I still don't get how grandpa friend would have taken the kid to get a costume without the parents' knowledge. Am I missing something? I hope they set some boundaries. This is the kind of thing I'm not understanding too. How is it possible for this person to take a young child anywhere without the parent's permission? My friends didn't even take my kid down the block to the park alone without my say so, and even then it would only be my MOST trusted friends that I would allow to take her anywhere. Exactly. And if we're talking about a baby so young he's having firsts, then the parents are either installing a car seat in friend's car or letting friend borrow their car with the car seat in it.
|
|
Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,768
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
|
Post by Kerri W on Nov 7, 2016 16:09:56 GMT
This is the kind of thing I'm not understanding too. How is it possible for this person to take a young child anywhere without the parent's permission? My friends didn't even take my kid down the block to the park alone without my say so, and even then it would only be my MOST trusted friends that I would allow to take her anywhere. Exactly. And if we're talking about a baby so young he's having firsts, then the parents are either installing a car seat in friend's car or letting friend borrow their car with the car seat in it. I'm getting more of a 'the OP doesn't care for grandpa and is projecting/letting her feelings sway her' feel than anything else. And I'm not saying that snottily...we all have that person that we just simply don't care for and have a hard time being objective to. In this case, I can't imagine the parents aren't OK with grandpa given the assumed age of the child, etc. SaveSave
|
|
momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
|
Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 7, 2016 19:14:38 GMT
Well, if this is a small child, the parents must be allowing Grandpa Friend to take their kid to these places, right? What does the mother say? Have you talked to your friends about it? SaveI've not talked to my friend about it other than if he's mentioned something to me. I don't want to butt in--I've stated these are my feelings, and while I know that some things have upset my friend, it's his issue to handle. It's not always easy for friend to say no--like when trick or treat rolls around and boom--grandpa has already taken child for a costume (even knowing my friend was going to do it) or when we are all together and a new person comes up and starts saying oh what a cute child blah blah blah grandpa steps in and says well he's my grand child I did this that it the other and that's why he is so cute... I spent a lot of time with the child his first year+ friend brought baby to work. I taught him animal noises and a few other specific things. Grandpa takes credit for all that too!!! Lol!!! (He made the cat sound with child first...he made bird sound with child first...) the grandpa guy is just a big diva, has to be center of attention! So how is something like this happening, he takes the child out alone? What is wife's take on it all? Sounds like maybe they (parents) aren't on the same page or that neither is setting good enough boundaries with him. I will tell you I know the type and it will be next to impossible to reel him in. In our case it was our kids actual grandparent. Ours was a little different in that they didn't steal experiences or firsts, but they did things like ask for xmas lists and make an announcement that they'd be buying the biggest thing on the list....you know the thing they wanted most and Santa was going to bring! Always outdid everyone else in the gift dept including us kind of thing. It's super annoying, it's a need to be the center of attention and be better as you've mentioned and it sucks for everyone else around. Plain and simple if your friend doesn't want a lifetime of being stepped on, he needs to set up some good solid boundaries.
|
|
msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
|
Post by msliz on Nov 7, 2016 19:18:43 GMT
As long as the child's parents are allowing / encouraging "grampa friend's" involvement, nothing will change. Did you say the child's dad was upset about it? Then, the parents should limit contact with this buffoon and should ensure that the real grandparents have ample opportunity to spend time with the little one without worry of being pushed aside.
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 7, 2016 19:50:27 GMT
I've not talked to my friend about it other than if he's mentioned something to me. I don't want to butt in--I've stated these are my feelings, and while I know that some things have upset my friend, it's his issue to handle. It's not always easy for friend to say no--like when trick or treat rolls around and boom--grandpa has already taken child for a costume (even knowing my friend was going to do it) or when we are all together and a new person comes up and starts saying oh what a cute child blah blah blah grandpa steps in and says well he's my grand child I did this that it the other and that's why he is so cute... I spent a lot of time with the child his first year+ friend brought baby to work. I taught him animal noises and a few other specific things. Grandpa takes credit for all that too!!! Lol!!! (He made the cat sound with child first...he made bird sound with child first...) the grandpa guy is just a big diva, has to be center of attention! So how is something like this happening, he takes the child out alone? What is wife's take on it all? Sounds like maybe they (parents) aren't on the same page or that neither is setting good enough boundaries with him. I will tell you I know the type and it will be next to impossible to reel him in. In our case it was our kids actual grandparent. Ours was a little different in that they didn't steal experiences or firsts, but they did things like ask for xmas lists and make an announcement that they'd be buying the biggest thing on the list....you know the thing they wanted most and Santa was going to bring! Always outdid everyone else in the gift dept including us kind of thing. It's super annoying, it's a need to be the center of attention and be better as you've mentioned and it sucks for everyone else around. Plain and simple if your friend doesn't want a lifetime of being stepped on, he needs to set up some good solid boundaries. It's just like you've described! It probably just bothers me more than my friend! Both parents are in the same boat, the love and appreciate grandpa friend, but it's really hard to say no because of grandpa's over the top personality. Like I mentioned before it probably just irks me more than anything else, I was wondering what others thought (if I was just being weird) or not! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
|
|
momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
|
Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 7, 2016 21:59:36 GMT
So how is something like this happening, he takes the child out alone? What is wife's take on it all? Sounds like maybe they (parents) aren't on the same page or that neither is setting good enough boundaries with him. I will tell you I know the type and it will be next to impossible to reel him in. In our case it was our kids actual grandparent. Ours was a little different in that they didn't steal experiences or firsts, but they did things like ask for xmas lists and make an announcement that they'd be buying the biggest thing on the list....you know the thing they wanted most and Santa was going to bring! Always outdid everyone else in the gift dept including us kind of thing. It's super annoying, it's a need to be the center of attention and be better as you've mentioned and it sucks for everyone else around. Plain and simple if your friend doesn't want a lifetime of being stepped on, he needs to set up some good solid boundaries. It's just like you've described! It probably just bothers me more than my friend! Both parents are in the same boat, the love and appreciate grandpa friend, but it's really hard to say no because of grandpa's over the top personality. Like I mentioned before it probably just irks me more than anything else, I was wondering what others thought (if I was just being weird) or not! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk lol you are not weird, it is VERY annoying when grown adults act like this
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on Nov 7, 2016 22:03:20 GMT
I probably wouldn't be friends with "grandpa" long enough for him to be an honorary member of the family because that kind of personality turns me right off.
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Nov 7, 2016 22:39:05 GMT
I probably wouldn't be friends with "grandpa" long enough for him to be an honorary member of the family because that kind of personality turns me right off. I sit in this camp. I'm so over his drama and selfishness!! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
|
|