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Post by katlaw on Apr 17, 2017 21:58:30 GMT
In my experience men seem to be able to move on quicker and find another relationship. I don't think it means your step-father loved your mom less or has forgotten her. He is likely lonely and Maggie is there for him.
The other thing is I agree with you that if something happened to my DH I don't see myself dating in 2 months. But if something happened to me I want my DH to go on. Live his life. Find someone to spend time with. And don't spend his days crying for me. My DH is such a fantastic man and if I am no longer here for him I want him to be happy and find companionship.
If your step-father had passed away instead would you want mom to find someone else to make her happy?
Do what you need to do in memory of your mom but I would not judge someone you care about too harshly, he might just not be able to handle being alone very well and not see it the same way.
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Post by mom on Apr 17, 2017 22:08:52 GMT
I am so sorry!
I, too, have been in your shoes. And well, it sucks.
My mom passed away in late January and my Dad was dating again by May and engaged and married before the one year mark passed. To say it was painful to watch is an understatement. I was angry and bitter. I just dont understand how he could move so quickly.
My dad all but ignores his 'old' family now - me and my siblings. He has moved on, and sadly, his 5 kids didnt make the cut. It hurts like hell, but it is what it is. I have chosen to move forward with my life, knowing my mom would be proud of me and my family.
Just take it one day at a time. I agree with what others have said about some people just need to be married. It doesnt make it easy for the kids though.
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Post by supersoda on Apr 17, 2017 22:20:33 GMT
I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom and the rest of it.
My FIL remarried 3 months after MIL passed away. All of the kids were devastated and it cause rifts between FIL and his kids that still aren't healed, 7 years later.
No amount of hearing "men can't be alone" or "happily married men remarry faster" makes it hurt any less
FIL eventually admitted that jumping into marriage so quickly was a mistake. He did a lot of not very sensitive things right after MIL's death, and we cut him a lot of slack due to everything he had been through. I still carry a lot of animosity toward the woman he married, for not slowing things down and considering how his actions were going to affect his relationship with his children. I feel like she just wanted to get married and jumped at the first chance with no regard to anyone else.
I'm sorry I have no helpful advice, but I do understand the pain.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Apr 17, 2017 22:24:41 GMT
I like to think about from the perspective of my DH. We are happily married. We are a team and a partnership. He needs to take care of someone and he needs someone to take care of him. He's just the kind of guy that is meant to be married. If I died I would want him to find a partner. I would want him to be happy without me. Hugs to you. I'm terribly sorry you lost your mom.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Apr 17, 2017 22:50:39 GMT
I find that men often start dating more quickly than women after the death of a spouse. I attribute it to the fact that we, as women, generally have close relationships with other women who we can turn to to fulfill our immediately needs of comfort, socialization, companionship, etc. Most men have *friends* but men friendships generally do not go as deep as female ones. My opinion of course. When my sister died from Alzheimer's at the age of 59 my wonderful brother-in-law had cared for her since her diagnosis. They had recently moved to a smaller home so they didn't really know too many people in the new town. After her death he was lonely. One night he happened into a bar near his house to have a beer and a single's Sunday School class of people who had cared for an ill spouse were there dancing. A guy walked up to BIL and said they had been taking dancing lessons and were short a few men, would he care to join them. He did and met a wonderful lady whose husband had passed away after a long bout of Parkinson's. They married 10 months after my sister died and I flew to Texas to be at their wedding. I was thrilled for them both and know my sister would have been too.  Like another poster said, everyone is different in how they process their grief. Sending gentle hugs as you process yours. |
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,378 
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Post by cycworker on Apr 18, 2017 0:32:59 GMT
You are all better people than me. I would have a hard time being as gracious in these situations.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
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Post by scrappington on Apr 18, 2017 0:45:02 GMT
Losing your spouse is so much different than losing a family member. Think what your spouse means to you and how your spouse knows you. In most cases with a good relationship your spouse knows way more things about you, the intimacy level etc.
Unfortunately until you go thru it (and I don't wish it early on anyone) please don't judge those who have.
Your grief is painful but it's different. You lost your mom. He lost his wife.
But he has his life to live, he's not the one who died he deserves to continue to live and love.
It's hard to see someone new.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 18, 2017 1:35:05 GMT
We lost my mother (my last parent) in early November after a year long battle with brain cancer. My parents divorced when I was around 9 years of age and she remarried when I was around 11 years old. My Step-father (I'll call him Bruce) has been in my life since then. We've had a up and down relationship all my life, mainly due to his alcoholism, bi-polar disorder, and cheating on my mother. Over the past 2-3 years I've learned to forgive him and our relationship has been quite strong. My DS(3) calls him PaPa and we've always made an effort to have him in our family. After my mother's death, I expressed to him that I still want him in my life due to our relationship and he countered back with the same, mainly because I was the last link to my mother. He came down here last month to visit following the birth of my DD. While I was driving him home from the airport he started talking about a lady friend. I wasn't going to push the issue but he continued to talk about it to me. Right before he officially told me he was dating her, I got a call from my vet that my sick dog was dying on the operating table. That ended the conversation as I was gutted. During his stay, he was constantly on his phone texting someone, sending photos and videos, etc. When I casually asked him about it, he started telling me about "Maggie". Basically, he started online dating about 2 months (maybe even less) after my mother passed.... He told me that when he told my brother over dinner the week prior that my brother told him he wasn't sure what to think about it and Bruce didn't understand why my brother would say this. I tried to explain to him that perhaps my brother was just having a difficult time with it and that everyone has a different idea on when they believe it's appropriate to move on after someone dies/divorces/etc. He spend the remaining part of the week texting "Maggie", telling me about how she helped him pick out an RV to purchase, and their planned trip to Canada in the next few months. Yesterday, I sent him a text message with a picture of my family (DH, DS, DD, and I) saying Happy Easter. He replies back with this big long text about how he spent the day with family (he has no family in the state he lives in FYI) and attached a selfie of "Maggie" and him. I'm just not sure what to say/think. It feels sorta like pouring a bit of salt on a wound that isn't healed yet. My mother has been gone 5 months! If my DH was to die, I'm not sure when or even IF I'd be able to start dating someone. I mentioned this to my DH and some friends over dinner one night and all the guys commented that guys tend to jump back into relationships sooner because they just need to be with someone. I guess what I'm asking for advice on is how to deal with this. I love my step-father and want him in my life. I want to be happy for him that he's happy, but it just feels so wrong. I feel like supporting this is stabbing the memory of my mother in the back. She was my best friend, and I'm no where close to being okay with her being gone. Every holiday is torture knowing that I won't hear her voice and that I have no one left. Sorry this got so long. I've never been one to be brief in words. {{hugs}}. It's hard to watch that transpire when you're still reeling. Totally validate your feeling. From my experience (family and friends) almost always--the men get right back to finding a mate pretty darn quick! I almost wonder if it's because they are afraid to be alone, or that they really don't know how to function with daily things because the wives always did it--laundry, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Most of the widowers that are women in my experience stay single. Might have a companion for travel and romance/sex but live separately and no desire to remarry! My grandfathers social lives revolved around my grandmothers and both grandmothers passed first and my grandfathers were lost. |
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Post by txdancermom on Apr 18, 2017 1:57:57 GMT
You say that your mother was ill for quite some time before she passed. Could it be that he grieved during that time watching her decline and ultimate death and when she finally passed it was a release for him?
I know when my step mom passed (she had not been well for over a year), my dad was relieved and while he missed her, he also enjoyed being able to do some of the things he couldn't while she was ill. And he knew that while she was ill, my step mom felt bad that Dad was not able to go to things that they had previously enjoyed.
Respect his grief and be happy that he has someone he enjoys being with
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Post by jackietex on Apr 18, 2017 2:16:22 GMT
We have a friend whose wife of around 30 years died in February (a few years ago) and he married someone new in July. He hadn't known her before he was widowed. That marriage didn't work out and he was married again shortly after. He told my husband that he loved being married to his first wife and wanted that again. I believe him.
My husband's uncle was married about 3 months after being widowed, I think he may have known her previously. He was probably in his late 60's at the time.
As previously posted, people grieve differently, and I think a lot of men appreciate being cared for, and want that again.
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Post by AussieMeg on Apr 18, 2017 2:59:30 GMT
I’m sorry about the loss of your mum. A woman I know, who was in her mid 40s, died 1.5 years ago, sadly from the same disease as your mum. Her husband started dating another woman within about 8 months, and his 2 kids (late teens) were devastated. They felt it was way too soon. (To be honest, so did I, although I never said that to the kids.) The one thing that I tried to point out to the older son is that his dad is not “replacing” his mum with a new woman, he lost his wife and had no choice in the matter - if his wife had not died then they would still be happily married. Also, everyone is still grieving the loss of their wife and mother, but the kids are still moving on with their lives, going out with their girlfriends and friends. Doesn’t the dad have the same right to find some happiness in a very sad situation? Shortly the kids will be moving out of home and the dad will be at home alone.
Having said all that, I am sure that I would feel the same as you in your situation. Like others have said, perhaps you can let your step dad know that you are happy that he has found happiness with someone else but as the loss of your mum is still quite raw for you, you would prefer not to hear about his new partner at the moment.
One other point - I have read that men, particularly if they were happily married, tend to enter a new relationship a lot earlier than other people.
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Post by merry on Apr 18, 2017 3:16:45 GMT
I'm looking at your situation from my point of view. I have step-parents as well. Parents divorced and remarried on both sides when I was about the same age as you. Honestly, while the steps are both decent people and ended up being better partners for my parents, they never became my parents. What I mean is that the affection I feel for them is much more than an acquaintance, but it is not the love one feels for your own parent. It's not explainable, it just is. I'm guessing feelings might be different for someone who gets a step parent after a death or at a really young age.
So my question is, do you love him? If you say yes, then be honest with him about your feelings. It won't slow his desire to commit, but it will give you some emotional space to heal. If it is no, then you can just let the distance that will come naturally progress without a huge effort or commitment on your part.
This sounds really awful, but if there are special possessions of your mom's that you want to keep in your family, I would approach him about seeing if he can give them to you now - especially jewelry. I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out.
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Post by darkchami on Apr 18, 2017 4:39:27 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
Maybe I can offer a different perspective. My experience doesn't involve children, but I have lost a man I loved. He died a few months before we were to be married. Complications related to cancer took him from me.
It felt like my life was torn apart. I was living a hundred miles away from my friends and family. Every day I came home to an empty apartment. The grief and loneliness was suffocating.
One person checked on me every day. He was a friend of my fiancé. He quickly became my lifeline. It was the one glimmer of light in a pit of darkness. It didn't take long for us to start dating. I knew how it looked from the outside, but without that relationship, I don't know if I would have made it.
Your step-father's choice is uncomfortable and sad for you. Please know that for him, it might make the pain bearable. He may not be able to communicate how much he is hurting. He may need a little light in the darkness.
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Post by piebaker on Apr 18, 2017 11:52:56 GMT
I am sorry for your loss of your mom. She was your best friend.
Perhaps you are grieving the loss of closeness with your stepfather because he represents another aspect of your mother and your history with her--your childhood and your shared memories. The echoes of the past. Your mom moved on after her divorce and brought this man into your life, and she remained with him through all those years.
I'm not phrasing this properly and I don't wish to deepen your grief. When you are able, write or call your stepdad and ask to speak about today and your family, especially your babies, or your brother(if your stepdad and brother have lost touch), then share some memories of your mom, and then ask, if you can, about his present with his new friend.
Peace and strength to you and your family.
ETA--Social media enables those who choose to move on to do so faster than in the past. I know three couples who were old flames in high school who reconnected after widowhood and divorce.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,397
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Apr 18, 2017 12:57:19 GMT
My ex stepfather moved a hideous crone into his life six weeks after my mother (with whom I had no relationship) died. I couldn't have cared less, because he wasn't my father, and had little or no impact on my life. My half brothers, on the other hand, were devastated, and two of them severed all ties with him.
Having seen how this affected my brothers, I can see that can be a big issue.
When he died and his estate was divvied up, and he had left his money to the boys ( and me!) and not her, that went down well.
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