Emotional conversation with DD32 today

Oh lesserknownpea you have been through so much you don't need another layer of guilt.

You were doing your best in very difficult circumstances and you are human. Looking back who among us would not change aspects of the past?

But now that the subject is out in the open, talk it through and build from there. Sounds like your DD just wanted to have her experience acknowledged and now as an adult and a Mum she probably understands more than she did as a child.

ETA just to be clear, by changing past things,  I meant not letting your child know they were a burden.

That's how my mom made me feel when I was growing up. She was a teen mom and I heard so often that I needed to do better and not make the same mistakes she did. Once I was really feeling down and unwanted and I asked if she had it to do over again if she'd make the same choices. She said she would still have me but wait a few years. So no, she wouldn't have had me because she would've had a different partner. Talk about stabbing someone in the heart.

I know my mom loves me and is happy she had me, even if I basically ruined her teens and early-mid twenties. I know she did her best and that no one is perfect, and it was incredibly hard for her to create a good life for me as a young parent. But good lord, it hurts to know your own mom didn't want you and wouldn't choose you if she got a do over.

I'm sorry what she said hurt you, but I can totally see things from her perspective. She spent years feeling like an undesired burden. When she wanted reassurance, you told her that yeah, she was a burden. Maybe next time don't go that route. I won't have that conversation with my own mom because I know she'd agree that I was a burden and I can't unhear that. I think when people say things like that, they're probably looking more for uplifting words than brutal honesty.

Of course. It must have been incredibly difficult for you, from what you've said. It sounds as though you have a good relationship so I hope this conversation adds to that rather than anything negative 

Why is that even information that has to be shared? I've never asked my parents if I was 'planned' or not, I bet most people weren't and have never felt the need to question it. Also, where does shame come into it?

It's amazing the liberties society feels they have. I had my DDs when I was 17. My DSs came 7 years later, then the second 7 years after that. People comment all.the.time.  Seriously all the time. From strangers to family to friends. Blantently rude comments like 'four kids! don't you know how to stop that?!' to comments about their spacing every 7 years so obviously they were all oops. 

I don't feel ashamed. I'm very proud of the choices I've made in life and where we are as a family-just like most other people. I'm not going to feel ashamed. But I can tell you *many* people act as though I should. 

One person's perspective is another person's idea of a pike on. Deleted my post since we are apparently only validating OP.

Maybe it's a British thing but I've never had anyone intrude into that area of my life. I don't have children by choice and that's nobody's business but mine and my husbands. 
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Yes! I can't tell you how many times we heard, "maybe you should look into birth control" as a result of the spacing of our first two (14 months) and an uncle who asked more than once, "don't you kids have a tv" during both of my last two pregnancies. And when I got pregnant with #3 people were downright obnoxiousmin their judging to the point DHs sister finally told their aunt to mind her own business, that we were 30 year old adults who paid our own way, never asked anyone for a dime and our kids were loved and well taken care of so what business was it of hers if we had 2 or 10.

People knew we were only planning two kids so yeah there was an element of, "how could you let this happen?" In people's attitudes towards us. We had/have health insurance through DHs job, we have never taken state aid and we were financially stable and able to adapt emotionally to our changing family but people still felt entitled to an opinion and to tsk tsk behind our backs and to our faces. 

And then there was the cousin on DHs side (daughter to the above mentioned aunt), whom told anyone and everyone in the family that she "knew for a fact" DH had had a vasectomy before I got pregnant with #3 because he only wanted two kids, implying he wasn't DHs. She knew no such thing for a fact, because he hadn't had one and number 2 she and DH never even had the type of relationship where that would have been discussed. In fact, to this day, after 22 years of marriage, I can't think of an instance where they've spoken beyond family pleasantries. My sister in law also put her check. 

Dh grew up very poor. Once he expressed that he hated being the only kid in the class with a box of only 8 crayons and that his kids would always have the box of 64. Somehow the statement made it's way back to his mom- to this day we still aren't clear if he mentioned it or I did- and devastated her. He knew and I knew she did her very best for them as kids, so it was more just a statement not a judgment. In fact by the time she confessed how badly it hurt her, neither one of us could even remember having had the conversation- although he did remember the sentiment, so we can't even tell you what context the conversation was in. 

What we do know though is that the statement was never meant to hurt her and it was a sentiment we had assumed she was aware of. She knew they were poor, she just had never realized the kids knew it too and that broke her heart to know, which was NEVER the intention of the conversation. My point is, I am sure your daughter never meant to hurt you and there is a good chance she was stating feelings she assumed you were already aware of. 

Another thing to consider is perspective does vary from person to person and as you age. My mom was a swatter. It was the 70s and spanking was not taboo. She really didn't spank tough. She would do what she thought was "swatting/ slapping" at us. But to us it was hands flying everywhere until she got a few good swats in.

One day when I was in in my 20's she approached me and asked if I thought she had physically abused us. I was shocked and said no, no, absolutely not and asked why she asked. Apparently my younger brother, in his 20s, had told her he felt she had abused us because all he remembers was being "slapped" all the time. She said she couldn't ever remember even spanking him, let alone "slapping" him.

I said, "mom, you did this thing where you swatted at us when you got angry, until you got a few good swats in". She acknowledged that and I followed its, "we were little, all we saw was big giant hands flying all over the place towards us, slapping us. As an adult I perceive it differently but as a child, THAT was scary. (Brother) is remembering how it felt as a child". She was really quiet and didn't really answer me. I figured I hurt her feelings and she was mad at me but time went on and I forgot the conversation.

Years later we were discussing perspectives and she reminded me of that conversation and she said it was one of the most powerful things she had ever been told. She had never thought about how differently adults and children perceived things and that that conversation taught her something. Furthermore, she had gone on to apologize to my brother after speaking with me and acknowledged that if he felt he was abused then in her mind she did abuse him and she was sorry.

And I don't miss the irony that I perceived my mom as being mad at me when in fact she was listening and registering everything I was saying.

Your daughter may just be at a stage where *this is her perspective of her childhood. That may change as she grows as an adult and experiences her own struggles with parenthood. I know it did for my brother, who is now parenting his own willful child, who is much like he was. He now understands the challenges mom was facing and he too makes mistakes.