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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 6:44:06 GMT
Update 7/28/17: I did it. I rented an apartment and I feel at peace with the decision. Its a 1 bedroom on the 3rd floor with a nice view. I can move in on Monday. There is a nice young lady with a chihuahua who lives across from me. I decided that I will approach this in a mature way. I'm going to tell the family that I feel it will be in everyone's best interest for me to get my own place because there is too much tension and unhappiness here and I hope it will be better for all of us if I get my own place.
Background: My mother was paranoid schizophrenic. My dad is a narcissist. I've been married 32 years to an alcoholic. Our son was killed in car accident in 2011. I went back to college in 2008 and focused on my college studies and wasn't Susie Homemaker during that time. After my son died I went into a depression and blamed DH for undermining me as a parent, turning my son against me, and knowingly allowed son to drive drunk and on drugs - when I tried to intervene I was told to stay out of because DH was handling it. Afterwards I shut down other than going to work and doing work related things. BTW: No sex in our marriage for 15 years.
I am miserable. There is no joy in our family (we have 2 daughters ages 29 and 21 who live with us). DH pays all the bills - I don't even know how much he makes or what the bills are. I pay my own car payment, credit card bills, student loans, and give money to our youngest daughter who is in college for living expenses.
I'm a teacher. Every summer I leave to visit friends and family for most of the summer. Just before the school year ended DH told me he couldn't wait for summer vacation so our girls and I could help him out around the house. I laughed at him and told him I was leaving town - and I'm not doing a damn thing as long as he is still drinking and we don't have a marriage. He was taken aback and said he didn't know he was being punished. At the time I thought it was funny - but I didn't laugh to his face.
I got back from my summer vacation trip last night. I find that he has painted the inside of the house, rearranged furniture, bought butt-ugly furniture off Craigslist (yuck), and took down the beautiful canvas portrait that hung in the family room of our family taken at the beach that included our deceased son. DH also put son's ashes in my scrapbook room - and took out all the photos of graduation pics and framed photos of the kids growing up that I treasured.
I realized that if I came in with guns blazing that it would cause a fight so I complimented all of the hard work he'd done, and how much I liked this and that - not everything. It took awhile to notice that our family portrait was taken down and when I did I calmly suggested it could go in a certain place on the wall. He immediately barked out "NO! I don't like that picture and I won't allow it on the wall!" I prayed for 7 hours as I drove home yesterday that I would stay calm and professional acting because I tend to get emotional and cry and yell when I'm mad. Because I was calm my oldest daughter looked at me like I was crazy and said I need to "get back on my meds". She proceeded to tell me it is Dad's house and he can do anything that he wants in it. I calmly told her that I will divorce him and take half the equity in the house and she can go live with her dad in a trailer. (At that very moment there was a loud crash in the garage. They went to see what it was. My son's boxing bag thats hung from the ceiling for 10 years had picked that minute to fall - it freaked them out - LOL) He hung the family picture back on the wall.
Tonight all was going well until I noticed that the cat bowl was empty. There are 8 cats (I know - we are weird) and he said he gives them 4 cups of food per day and thats enough. A couple of them were standing by their bowl looking at it and looking at me. I tried to reason that its not enough for 8 cats and what if one of them eats more than their share? DH proceeded to tell me that that is the rule and how it is done and its none of my business. I stayed calm and said I will just buy them more cat food and feed them whenever I want to. He stomped over and put more food in their bowl.
After that I went looking for DH and he was holding his head in the other room. I asked him if there were any more rules that he has created since I've been gone. I asked him if I broke a rule by plugging in my make up mirror in the bathroom because he had disassembled it while I was gone.
My oldest daughter loves to get involved in our "discussions" and is always telling me I'm wrong and crazy and need to just leave. I think I'm freaking them out though because I'm staying calm. I REALLY REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! I told DH and DD that I called around looking for an apartment today - but I can't afford it unless I get it and then stop paying my bills and file bankruptcy. I swear that seems like a better alternative then being around these assholes.
So, give it to me straight - do I seem crazy to you?
ETA: Due to my out of control childhood, I need a certain amount of control in my life - which I haven't had around here in about 15 years. I appreciate it when DH does things like paint, but I wouldn't feel so ticked off if he and I picked out colors and furniture together. And he knows I cringe at furniture from Craigslist - so he did that just to piss me off. Everything he's done is in the name of "well you haven't done anything" (because he's a drunk). Basically, I just need control in my life.
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Post by gar on Jul 28, 2017 6:48:40 GMT
No, I would think you're crazy if you're were not actively planning how to separate yourself and build some semblance of a happy life. No one should live like that, it sounds utterly miserable.
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Post by lucyg on Jul 28, 2017 6:51:12 GMT
Well, probably, but don't feel all alone.  I do think you've probably reached your limit with all of them at this point. Honestly, this sounds like such a difficult situation and I hope you're in counseling to help you through it. I can't give you any advice, but I am certainly wishing you the best. Get your finances in order, get a good lawyer, and get into family counseling if you aren't already. Good luck. I hope a year from now, five years from now, that you can be much happier or at least at peace.  |
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Post by Crack-a-lackin on Jul 28, 2017 6:55:30 GMT
Not crazy. You sound unhappy, and stressed. Your family doesn't treat each other well and it doesn't sound like a healthy situation for anyone. I would be making plans to move out, too. Your DDs should as well, it's not good for them to be that involved in your discussions with your husband.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 16, 2024 1:16:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 7:02:40 GMT
I would spend the next couple of months figuring out finances. You have your tax return so you know how much he makes. Because if you have not been looking it over....
Anyway
Get copies of the bank accounts
His credit cards, you need to know if you are on them
And whatever other financial document your name may be on.
Is he on the title/loan to your car.
You need a copy of his birth certificate
Social security card
Your son's death certificate
Run a credit check.
Get your stuff into storage.
I would find a very small/cheap apt. You don't need much until the divorce is over.
Then get a lawyer.
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 7:10:36 GMT
I would spend the next couple of months figuring out finances. You have your tax return so you know how much he makes. Because if you have not been looking it over.... I called an attorney the other day and got some advice. Told DH and he freaked out! DH does the taxes online and I never see them.Anyway Get copies of the bank accounts His credit cards, you need to know if you are on them I'm only on one. He is a co-signer on one of mine and he threatened me about that one last night.And whatever other financial document your name may be on. Is he on the title/loan to your car. My car is in my name only.You need a copy of his birth certificate Social security card Your son's death certificate Funny you should mention this - DH would never show me the copy of son's death certificate. Why would I need that?Run a credit check. Get your stuff into storage. I would find a very small/cheap apt. You don't need much until the divorce is over. Then get a lawyer. Thank you for the advice. |
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AllieC
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by AllieC on Jul 28, 2017 7:10:50 GMT
Not crazy but hugely stressed. Honestly I do not know how you have continued to live in that situation. Even if you are financially strapped by moving out, I think the freedom will be worth it.
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Post by anniefb on Jul 28, 2017 8:16:31 GMT
Not crazy but hugely stressed. Honestly I do not know how you have continued to live in that situation. Even if you are financially strapped by moving out, I think the freedom will be worth it. That ^^ |
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Post by KelleeM on Jul 28, 2017 8:33:09 GMT
I vote for not crazy. You've received some good advice here. I'll just add some hugs...I hope you can get out of there.
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Post by arrow on Jul 28, 2017 8:33:15 GMT
I don't think you are crazy!
My advice would be to play your cards very close to your chest and not tell either your H or your D's what your plans are.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jul 28, 2017 8:41:09 GMT
Another vote for not crazy. You are going through a lot. I can't add anything to the good advice others have shared, but didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry things are so hard. I hope you find a way out soon. Hugs to you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 16, 2024 1:16:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 8:44:27 GMT
That sounds so very dysfunctional.
I don't think you're crazy, but I do think you guys are at a point where you react so badly to each other that probably everyone is a bit to blame. Your DH would likely tell a very different story describing this course of events, which HE probably would think is totally true.
You need to get out of there. Doesnt matter if you're poor for a while or have to live in a tiny place. You NEED to get out.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 16, 2024 1:16:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 9:35:23 GMT
Crazy? I'm not qualified to judge (btw, I grew up with a paranoid schizophrenic grandmother. We lived with her for ten years. Now THAT was some kind of crazy.)
Now, not discounting that this is only one side of the story, I do think you all need some professional help.
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Post by guzismom on Jul 28, 2017 9:59:24 GMT
Not crazy but highly dysfunctional...the whole family. It will remain so until you all deal with your issues. Ending your marriage may help; but having children together, it will never end them.
I'm sorry. I'm sure it's awful. I hope you can put some things in place to help it get better.
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Post by welshjenni on Jul 28, 2017 10:05:35 GMT
You are so not crazy, you have lived in a very difficult situation for years with a very controlling husband. Your daughters are overstepping the mark - they should not be involving themselves in your discussions with your husband. There is some great advice here - get as much information about his finances under your belt, take it slowly and secretly so that you can prepare the groundwork to leave him. Do not show him your hand until the end.
Good luck.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 28, 2017 10:26:53 GMT
Did you get that teaching job?? I'd be out of that house in a hot minute. He's an ass and your DDs aren't much better.
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Post by pelirroja on Jul 28, 2017 11:21:12 GMT
Not crazy: just burned out and fed up. ((hugs))
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Post by peasapie on Jul 28, 2017 11:27:04 GMT
I don't think you are crazy! My advice would be to play your cards very close to your chest and not tell either your H or your D's what your plans are. I agree. I wouldn't have told him you've seen a lawyer, because he may start to hide documents even more than he's already doing. That makes it harder for you to break free--which may be his plan. He seems to control you by keeping things out of your reach. |
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,219
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Post by Peamac on Jul 28, 2017 11:43:47 GMT
(((Hugs))) It sounds like a very stressful living situation.
Don't tell him (or DDs) anything else about what you're thinking. You're giving them a head's up as to changes you'd like to make. If they don't like the sound of those changes, they will work to undermine you at every step.
What about that teaching job in Texas? Will that work for this school year?
Do you have a friend that you can start taking stuff to keep safe- important papers, photos, etc?
Is there a way to see the tax return- can you try to guess the password he would have used?
Did you all get counselling of some sort after your DS passed away? It sounds like everyone could benefit from that.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 28, 2017 11:44:43 GMT
I don't think you are crazy! My advice would be to play your cards very close to your chest and not tell either your H or your D's what your plans are. This is the best advice, they are both reacting to you currently so you are just antagonizing the situation by telling him you are seeing a lawyer or not reacting the way you normally do (not that I think you need go back to reacting to the things he does.) The dysfunction works for them, you're a part of the dysfunction...you applying for a job and talking divorce upsets the dysfunctional world he's created. It's a nice, safe comfortable world for him. So i'd keep your mouth closed and go about your business. Hopefully the new job will happen? If not you've taken some steps towards getting out. Keep moving forward. Get a post office box. Get the certificates you need to teach in TX is it?! Get a credit card now in your own name, without him as co-signer (sent to the PO box) You should be able to get a card with at least a small credit limit and can build from there. I also think you need to copy or move out things that you value. That portrait could disappear, ship it to your family for safekeeping if you want it safe. Copy the pictures you love and remove them the house. Make some time for you to be alone in the house and start looking for paperwork and documents. The more info the better! Quietly get your ducks in a row... Good luck, you can do this. And even if you don't do it this year, it never hurts to be prepared - pull together any documents you may need, get a new credit card - be ready! |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 28, 2017 11:45:47 GMT
A tragedy like the death of your son can create long-reaching dysfunctional dynamics in a family. That can be compounded if the family wasn't fully healthy in their interactions before. Your family seems so entrenched in the dysfunction that it's doubtful you could ever repair it... and it doesn't sound like you really want to.
It may be time to quit examining everyone's behavior and motives. Spend your time and attention on your plan to move forward. Only when you get yourself in a healthier place can you hope to start having a healthier relationship with your daughter.
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by blue tulip on Jul 28, 2017 12:10:42 GMT
you sound deeply unhappy, and I don't blame you. what a horrible situation to have been in, and for so long! I would absolutely start making plans to get away from this. you deserve better than to have this be your whole life, just one struggle after another, being beaten down/criticized/controlled by a succession of people. it sounds like you are realizing that there could be another life for you, a happier one, and I encourage you to take meaningful steps towards it. otherwise you're going to wake up in 10 years with nothing changed, except for the worse.
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 28, 2017 12:13:29 GMT
I don't think you are crazy! My advice would be to play your cards very close to your chest and not tell either your H or your D's what your plans are. This is the best advice, they are both reacting to you currently so you are just antagonizing the situation by telling him you are seeing a lawyer or not reacting the way you normally do (not that I think you need go back to reacting to the things he does.) The dysfunction works for them, you're a part of the dysfunction...you applying for a job and talking divorce upsets the dysfunctional world he's created. It's a nice, safe comfortable world for him. So i'd keep your mouth closed and go about your business. Hopefully the new job will happen? If not you've taken some steps towards getting out. Keep moving forward. Get a post office box. Get the certificates you need to teach in TX is it?! Get a credit card now in your own name, without him as co-signer (sent to the PO box) You should be able to get a card with at least a small credit limit and can build from there. I also think you need to copy or move out things that you value. That portrait could disappear, ship it to your family for safekeeping if you want it safe. Copy the pictures you love and remove them the house. Make some time for you to be alone in the house and start looking for paperwork and documents. The more info the better! Quietly get your ducks in a row... Good luck, you can do this. And even if you don't do it this year, it never hurts to be prepared - pull together any documents you may need, get a new credit card - be ready! This is really good advice. Take a sick day if you have to and dont tell your family. Scour the house for paperwork and copy it. You really need to see if you can find the tax return. Even if filed online he should have a copy somewhere plus if you're married you file jointly and your name should be on it so you were entitled to see you and absolutely had to sign it. Also if you've been married that long you'll be entitled to alimony and part of his pension and maybe even Social Security if you get divorced and that should help you with your rent and other expenses. Seems your kids are old enough that you won't be getting any child support and it doesn't sound like they want to be living with you anyway so you wont have kid related expenses. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 28, 2017 12:20:13 GMT
I agree that anything you say to him or your kids will only tip them off and prompt him to start hiding assets or getting rid of stuff you cherish. I'd keep all of my business on the down low until I had all of my paperwork in order and my special things secure. At one point on here there was a checklist thread for Peas in your situation, I think I'd be doing a search on here and looking that up right quick and follow the advice of those who have BTDT.
Good luck, and know that the Peas are pulling for you!
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 28, 2017 12:22:45 GMT
You are not crazy. You live in an unhealthy situation, without a doubt. Do you have a personal counselor/therapist? You desperately need one. You have to take care of yourself first of all.
I'm sorry and hope you take that first step to creating a healthy life for yourself.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,984
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Post by Nanner on Jul 28, 2017 12:23:30 GMT
What happened with that job in Texas? Hopefully that is still going to happen.
You have been in an unhappy marriage for 15 years. It's time to get out and start over again and enjoy your life Your husband sounds like an ass.
You may be living pay cheque to pay cheque for awhile, but isn't that better than being miserable, in a house where nobody respects you?
Good luck! You can do it!
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,395
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 28, 2017 12:29:56 GMT
You are not crazy. Walk away.
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Post by pretzels on Jul 28, 2017 12:31:12 GMT
I was in a similar spot as you are (not quite, but similar enough), and a year ago tomorrow, I told my then-husband that I wanted a divorce. He responded by saying no. I continued to plan, and two weeks later served him with papers. The divorce itself was fairly uneventful, in the end.
My then-husband made well into six figures, but our house was falling apart. We had one functional bathroom, and it was on its last legs. We had carpet that was so nasty that no amount of cleaning or steaming made it better. I didn't have a working oven for eight years. And we had the money to fix these things -- more than enough! -- but if I started the process, my ex-H thought I was criticizing him for not doing anything, and if I left it to him, things didn't get done.
As I sit here typing this, I have two working and wonderful bathrooms. I have no carpet in my house -- it was replaced by vinyl plank flooring and tile, which has made a huge difference in our DD's allergies. I have two workers here putting new doors and baseboards in my newly-renovated kitchen.
Our DS graduated from high school in May with the best grades he's made his entire life. He got into the college he wanted. I totally believe it's because the tension in our home was relieved when his father and I divorced. Our DD has had a little more difficulty, but she's 15, so I'm not sure how much is divorce and how much is being a 15-year-old girl.
It has been scary. There have been difficult times. But I would not go back to my old life for a million dollars.
Start today. Set up your own checking account. Put $5 a week in there, stock up on toiletries and housewares (on his dime) and get it done. You will be so much happier. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 28, 2017 12:39:17 GMT
You are crazy if you stay. Get a lawyer. It's time to leave.
"Get busy living, or get busy dying." -Shawshank Redemption
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Deleted
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Jun 16, 2024 1:16:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 12:44:39 GMT
You need copies if all your papers because somebody at some point is going to ask you for them.
My husband was married for one year almost 30 years ago and we had to show his divorce papers for a loan.
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