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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Jul 28, 2017 12:52:33 GMT
Can I tell you how much CALMER my life is post-divorce? I craved peace for a good 2 years surrounding the divorce - I didn't realize how starved I had been for non-drama and how tired I was of tiptoeing around my own house. My ex acted "normal" for a while, but he's turned back into Mr. Stressed Out Grumpy Pants lately. It is liberating to hang up or walk away when he is a jerk.
I had a friend who was in a similar financial situation to yours. She put the feelers out among her church network and found a lady at the church who managed properties. She was able to get into an apartment with an agreement to do some apartment management work and that made it possible for her to leave financially. When I was divorcing, I was tight lipped - I counted on the rumor mill to get the word out, but I think my friend was smarter at finding resources.
Finally, I wonder if the visual reminder of the portrait is too much for your DDs and H. We all grieve in different ways. Could you hang it in a spot for you to enjoy? Or go ahead and make sure you get things like this that are important to you out of the house?
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Posts: 9,640
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 28, 2017 12:56:00 GMT
OMG, figure out what you need to do and get out. Do you have anyone you can stay with until you get on your feet?
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Deleted
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Jun 16, 2024 2:24:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 12:58:45 GMT
You sound like the most sane one. I would quietly work towards moving out and staying calm about it the entire time. You have more going for you than you realize. Focus on the positives and use your drive to make a change. You deserve happiness and you won't get it living there.
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Post by disneypal on Jul 28, 2017 12:59:56 GMT
So, give it to me straight - do I seem crazy to you? No, you don't seem crazy, but you do seem depressed, which I could understand if you were - you've been through a lot. I don't know if you have seen a counselor or take depression/anxiety meds and if not, perhaps seeing a counselor would help you figure out how you should proceed with the rest of your life. Life is too short to go through it living in misery. I received some advice years ago that helped me...someone said "what do you think would make you happy?" - Once you figure that out, then do that. Save
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Post by compeateropeator on Jul 28, 2017 13:03:25 GMT
I would say not crazy. I would say you are aware...aware of the problems and issues that plague you and aware that you want to fix them. So it is time to focus on fixing yourself and your situation. Time to think about Cindy and do what you need to do to bring as much peace, tranquility, and happiness into your life as possible.
You have had a life that has included a lot of pain, conflict, and trauma - and it has taken it's toll on you. I agree that you need to remove yourself from that living situation. Others have given you good advice.
I wish you strength and perseverance to get to a place where you can feel the peace you deserve.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Jul 28, 2017 13:05:14 GMT
Crazy? No. Dysfunctional? Absolutely.
You need to get on with YOUR life, because right now you aren't living it. Take the advice given here and go with it. Seriously, why would you want to live like this for the rest of your life?! I know people who have left and gotten on with life with less than you have, so just divorce and move on.
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jul 28, 2017 13:40:04 GMT
I felt depressed just reading what you wrote. Driving back to that after a vacation sounds absolutely miserable. I would almost rather live in my car than with a horrible husband and a 29 (!) year old daughter in my house treating me that way. However, I would definitely stop talking to them or threatening them with what you might do. Do you have a friend with a couch? Get out, sister! Yesterday.
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lisaknits
Pearl Clutcher
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May 28, 2015 16:14:56 GMT
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Post by lisaknits on Jul 28, 2017 13:44:34 GMT
I don't think you're crazy at all. I do think you're living in a dysfunctional home and have gotten a lot of good pea advice. I want you to know that the peas stand with you. Don't be afraid to put yourself first and figure out the life you want to live. You're not alone - we're here to help and cheer you on! ((HUGS))
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blue tulip
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Jul 28, 2017 13:45:42 GMT
just pointing out- you know what it means when all the peas agree. have you also noticed that it appears no one has suggested marital counseling? I think that speaks volumes too, as it's pretty much *always* brought up in these posts. but not now (unless I've missed it while reading all the posts)
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Post by hop2 on Jul 28, 2017 13:52:55 GMT
Do not move out until you see a lawyer. You don't want to forfeit any portion of the house and laws vary from state to state. Lawyer lawyer lawyer. I can't say this enough. We are currently 'trying' mediation and even that lawyer has settled some issues. Lawyer. Save your lunch or coffee money or whatever it takes to get yourself a lawyer.
I'm going thru similar myself. Except my kids aren't taking sides as they shouldn't, so I'm not dealing with that.
I'm not sure crazy is the appropriate word. I'd say could benefit from counseling because your at the end of you rope and in high stress territory. But get the lawyer first if costs are conflicting. No one needs to live like that.
Hugs Cindy.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 28, 2017 14:02:52 GMT
I just wanted to add depending on the laws in your state and your income levels, you might not be as destitute as you think. As an example the mediation lawyer that my STBX picked Informed him that alimony in our state is dependent on our income payable from the higher earner to the lower earner. He said he can't send a mediation agreement to the judge to be final if it's not somewhat close to the expected levels based on the amount of difference without extenuating circumstances or valid reasons why not. I'm not saying people don't get screwed in my state because they do but mostly not in my county because there aren't jerky judges in my county. And my STBX happened to pick a fair mediator.( which I knew when he suggested it ) LOL So definitely see that lawyer. It might help you move forward.
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Post by annie on Jul 28, 2017 14:08:16 GMT
You talk about control. You've got to take control of your own life and start taking action! There is no need to stay in a situation like that. None.
I also think you need to keep your lips closed. Don't tell him everything. Keep your plans quiet.
What happened with the Texas job?
Thinking of you!!
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basketdiva
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:09 GMT
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Post by basketdiva on Jul 28, 2017 14:28:36 GMT
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 28, 2017 14:32:20 GMT
You sound very very passive. It's all like, oh, well, guess it won't work. i'll just have to suffer, or give up my dream job, or whatever. If you want things to change you have to stand up for yourself to them. What is going on with the job in TX? can you move and live with friends or family for awhile? It will only work out, IF you work it out. Not if you just sit there, and throw around warnings and threats to each other.
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freebird
Drama Llama
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'cause I'm free as a bird now
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Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jul 28, 2017 14:39:06 GMT
If you have to ask if your crazy, you're probably not crazy. I bet you have some "crazy moments" though. You sound very sad and confused. Rightfully so. You also sound defeated and beat down. It'd be hard not to when you have 3 leeches in your house. 29 and living at home? Your daughter has taken on the role of wife, it's time to cut yourself loose from this crowd.
Girl, you need to grow some wings and be brave. Jump. No net. It'll be ok. At some point your health and well being is so much more important than a few dollars. I guarantee your relationship with your daughters will be better when you don't spend all your time with them (and money). Stop paying for their bills. They're all grown ups, cut their cords and let them fly without a net too.
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Deleted
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Jun 16, 2024 2:24:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 14:52:04 GMT
You don't value yourself...because no one else values you. I get that. I lived that.
You need an attorney. Yesterday. You cannot go on like this. You cannot continue to live like this.
Life may or may not be difficult as you navigate divorce and post-divorce life. My life is better in more ways than I'm able to count. Your life sounds like hell now. How much worse can it really get if you were to find an attorney and begin divorce proceedings?
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 15:19:02 GMT
Did you get that teaching job?? I'd be out of that house in a hot minute. He's an ass and your DDs aren't much better. Yes, I was offered the teaching job in Houston, but the temporary certificate was a hurdle I couldn't jump over in time. I've done everything I need to do to get my temporary certificate but its going to take many weeks so I had to turn down that job offer and come back home.
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Deleted
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Jun 16, 2024 2:24:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 15:21:08 GMT
That's not a healthy household for any of you. Unfortunately, threatening to take half of everything and telling your oldest DD that they will be living in a trailer is not good either. I hope you do see an attorney to find out what your options are to leave now. Prolonging this until all the chips fall into place may be too late for your own sanity.
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 15:21:24 GMT
I don't think you are crazy! My advice would be to play your cards very close to your chest and not tell either your H or your D's what your plans are. I agree. I wouldn't have told him you've seen a lawyer, because he may start to hide documents even more than he's already doing. That makes it harder for you to break free--which may be his plan. He seems to control you by keeping things out of your reach. According to the lawyer this used to be a problem in Florida, but now there is a law where he would be required by the court to provide them.
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Post by yivit on Jul 28, 2017 15:22:18 GMT
Did you get that teaching job?? I'd be out of that house in a hot minute. He's an ass and your DDs aren't much better. Yes, I was offered the teaching job in Houston, but the temporary certificate was a hurdle I couldn't jump over in time. I've done everything I need to do to get my temporary certificate but its going to take many weeks so I had to turn down that job offer and come back home. That sucks. I hope you are still moving forward on getting that certificate though - then it's done and you can come back to Texas where you belong!
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 15:26:39 GMT
(((Hugs))) It sounds like a very stressful living situation. It is!Don't tell him (or DDs) anything else about what you're thinking. You're giving them a head's up as to changes you'd like to make. If they don't like the sound of those changes, they will work to undermine you at every step. Yeah, I need to shut up. They just make me so mad with remarks about this not being my house and such.What about that teaching job in Texas? Will that work for this school year? No - I didn't realize the temporary certificate would be such a hurdle.Do you have a friend that you can start taking stuff to keep safe- important papers, photos, etc? YesIs there a way to see the tax return- can you try to guess the password he would have used? No.Did you all get counselling of some sort after your DS passed away? It sounds like everyone could benefit from that. No, they all just acted like nothing had happened and I wasn't allowed to talk about my son. If I did they would get mad and stomp off. I went to counseling.
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Post by lemondrop on Jul 28, 2017 15:34:56 GMT
You have received some very good advice on this thread and, as a PP said, all the peas are in agreement!
Good luck getting your life back. I have now been separated/divorced for 3.5 years and my life is calm and happy. Focus on where you are heading, let things go and move on.
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Post by jumperhop on Jul 28, 2017 15:36:37 GMT
No crazy, you are just done! I would suggest not having anymore "discussions" with him. If the cat bowl is empty don't have a discussion with him about it, just fill the bowl. If you need to plug something into an outlet just do it, you don't need to have a discussion. It takes all the fun out of it for him. Hang in there, get your things in order and dream of better times to come. Jen
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 15:38:15 GMT
I was in a similar spot as you are (not quite, but similar enough), and a year ago tomorrow, I told my then-husband that I wanted a divorce. He responded by saying no. I continued to plan, and two weeks later served him with papers. The divorce itself was fairly uneventful, in the end. My then-husband made well into six figures, but our house was falling apart. We had one functional bathroom, and it was on its last legs. We had carpet that was so nasty that no amount of cleaning or steaming made it better. I didn't have a working oven for eight years. And we had the money to fix these things -- more than enough! -- but if I started the process, my ex-H thought I was criticizing him for not doing anything, and if I left it to him, things didn't get done. As I sit here typing this, I have two working and wonderful bathrooms. I have no carpet in my house -- it was replaced by vinyl plank flooring and tile, which has made a huge difference in our DD's allergies. I have two workers here putting new doors and baseboards in my newly-renovated kitchen. Our DS graduated from high school in May with the best grades he's made his entire life. He got into the college he wanted. I totally believe it's because the tension in our home was relieved when his father and I divorced. Our DD has had a little more difficulty, but she's 15, so I'm not sure how much is divorce and how much is being a 15-year-old girl. It has been scary. There have been difficult times. But I would not go back to my old life for a million dollars. Start today. Set up your own checking account. Put $5 a week in there, stock up on toiletries and housewares (on his dime) and get it done. You will be so much happier. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I'm so happy that you and your kids were able to get out of your miserable situation. I know others are able to do it. I will too. FYI: I have my own checking account - he doesn't get one red cent of my paychecks. And I have zero access to his money.
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 15:40:42 GMT
You are crazy if you stay. Get a lawyer. It's time to leave. "Get busy living, or get busy dying." -Shawshank Redemption That quote strikes a nerve in me. At this point, I'd rather be dead then continue on like this. I can just picture myself sitting on the couch in my little apartment. Ahhh - the peace!
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 15:45:19 GMT
Can I tell you how much CALMER my life is post-divorce? I craved peace for a good 2 years surrounding the divorce - I didn't realize how starved I had been for non-drama and how tired I was of tiptoeing around my own house. My ex acted "normal" for a while, but he's turned back into Mr. Stressed Out Grumpy Pants lately. It is liberating to hang up or walk away when he is a jerk. I had a friend who was in a similar financial situation to yours. She put the feelers out among her church network and found a lady at the church who managed properties. She was able to get into an apartment with an agreement to do some apartment management work and that made it possible for her to leave financially. When I was divorcing, I was tight lipped - I counted on the rumor mill to get the word out, but I think my friend was smarter at finding resources. Finally, I wonder if the visual reminder of the portrait is too much for your DDs and H. We all grieve in different ways. Could you hang it in a spot for you to enjoy? Or go ahead and make sure you get things like this that are important to you out of the house? Peace and calm are all that I want. I'm glad you found it for yourself. The portrait probably reminds DH of his guilt - tough shit. My daughter said that she loves the picture and thinks it should be hanging in the family room. When I go I will take it with me.
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 15:52:18 GMT
Do not move out until you see a lawyer. You don't want to forfeit any portion of the house and laws vary from state to state. Lawyer lawyer lawyer. I can't say this enough. We are currently 'trying' mediation and even that lawyer has settled some issues. Lawyer. Save your lunch or coffee money or whatever it takes to get yourself a lawyer. I'm going thru similar myself. Except my kids aren't taking sides as they shouldn't, so I'm not dealing with that. I'm not sure crazy is the appropriate word. I'd say could benefit from counseling because your at the end of you rope and in high stress territory. But get the lawyer first if costs are conflicting. No one needs to live like that. Hugs Cindy. Thank you for the advice not to move out until I see a lawyer. I've thought of that but my need to get away had made me forget that part. I was just about to head out apartment hunting.
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Post by cindytred on Jul 28, 2017 16:00:38 GMT
You sound very very passive. It's all like, oh, well, guess it won't work. i'll just have to suffer, or give up my dream job, or whatever. If you want things to change you have to stand up for yourself to them. What is going on with the job in TX? can you move and live with friends or family for awhile? It will only work out, IF you work it out. Not if you just sit there, and throw around warnings and threats to each other. Yes, I agree with you. I haven't given up on getting a teaching job in Texas - it just has to wait until next year - or maybe until later during this school year. Although, I am against changing jobs during the school year because its not fair to my students. No, I can't live with friends or family. My family all have their own problems and I don't want to get into the middle of that. It wouldn't end well. I don't want to burden any friends with my drama. That would be humiliating. I won't threaten anyone anymore - I'll just stay in my scrapbook room and be quiet until I can get out of here.
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Post by femalebusiness on Jul 28, 2017 16:05:16 GMT
You are not crazy. You need to end the marriage. Be very single minded about getting out of the house and moving on as quickly as possible. Take a second or even third job to the money to get out. Taking on other jobs would get you out of the house unless you are sleeping.
I'm so sorry that you lost your son. You have a lot on your plate. Be kind to yourself and put your plans first.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 16, 2024 2:24:31 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2017 16:06:20 GMT
About two years ago you brought up getting a divorce but decided to stay because you couldn't finance your desired lifestyle alone. You've got a job as a teacher, salary may not be fabulous but people manage to raise families on a teacher's salary so I'm not highly sympathetic about you not being able to afford an apartment.
If things are truly as bad as you say, living in a homeless shelter will be better than where you live now. You may need to trade in your car for something a little less fancy. But it IS possible for one person to live on a teachers salary.
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