Olan
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Post by Olan on Aug 31, 2014 19:59:33 GMT
Backstory: I began corresponding with a guy I met on an online dating website 6 weeks ago. During the first four weeks the exchanges were friendly but mostly about travel and the time I spent in Hawaii. It was kind of unspoken but I think we both knew nothing would come of the communication because 4,000 separates us. Last week sometime he asked me what I was up to and I replied "Planning mock vacations waiting for the dryer" and he said something along the lines of "How about I plan a mock date". And so it began. Now we Skype daily and have agreed to meet up in California in a couple months for a first date. Already booked. Separate rooms, actually separate hotels traditional first date just with a plane ride involved. Well...Yesterday while watching a romantic comedy I jokingly said "How come no one makes grand gestures like that for me" we talked a little more but he sounded distracted so we got off the phone. An hour or so later he called back and said he'd like to pay for me to fly out to him and "court". When I asked what he meant by court he explained that with work he would never be able to take off more than an afternoon (meaning leaving Friday and returning Sundays) until after the new year and me flying to him and staying awhile would give us the opportunity to really get to know each other. He would continue to work and just hang out with me in the afternoons and evenings. I was kind of speechless so there was a long and awkward silence then he quickly said flying from Chicago would be easier than flying from D.C. direct and 9 hours vs 13-14 hours with a layover in between. That would mean next Sunday after my trip to visit family I'd fly to Hawaii instead of flying back home. The offer is still floating around but since he made the "grand gesture all the conversation has been about pretty heavy stuff i.e. relocating, ideas about family, past relationships etc. I've told him there is no way I'd ever move back to Hawaii. My career (and my small business) are beginning to gain steam. My sister just started a family. I recently bought some amazing Tory Burch boots and my winter wardrobe slays  etc. More importantly I've made the mistake of relocating once before with the promise of forever and that didn't turn out so swell. He was born and raised in Kona and moved to Oahu to expand a family business so his ties are pretty strong. He thinks moving to the mainland would be fun but I worry that he'd miss Hawaii just as much as I do and resent the fact that he left it all behind. So my question is would taking him up on his offer be ill advised or a giant leap of faith. It would still be a "first date" but a month long stay with him footing the bill means I have less control over things. Update:
We spoke for a couple hours today and it solidified my choice. I asked him if he thought it was pointless to meet given our geographical issues and his response was pretty long and drawn out. In short he feels there is absolutely something to pursue and doesn't want to wait until work slows down to act on it. He said the grand gesture comment didn't light a fire (I disagree) We worked it out so he isn't funding my entire trip and I'm flying out on Friday the 12th and staying until the 22nd. My suitcase will be packed with toys for my nephew so I will fly out of DC. I don't want to annoy anyone with updates so let me know at which point should I provide one....midway through the Hawaii trip, after the Hawaii trip, or some other juncture. Thanks again for the advice. |
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Post by greenlegume on Aug 31, 2014 20:07:32 GMT
I'm going to say ill-advised, because you say that you have no intention of moving back to Hawaii. And he seems unable or unwilling to move to you. Just too complicated.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 31, 2014 20:12:03 GMT
Nope...don't go...sorry but there's no way I would fly anywhere to meet up with a guy. Even if it's separate hotel rooms. My spider sense is all a thither!!
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Aug 31, 2014 20:12:52 GMT
I'm going to say ill-advised, because you say that you have no intention of moving back to Hawaii. And he seems unable or unwilling to move to you. Just too complicated. He has said he wouldnt mind moving to the mainland. He has a degree in Fine Arts and runs a family business so I think the adjustment would be hard professionally. |
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back to *pea*ality
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Aug 31, 2014 20:27:04 GMT
You were looking for a grand gesture and he made one.
He says he wants to "court" you so it sounds like he's moved on from let's meet for a first date.
I think you are putting the horse before the cart talking about moving when you have not even had a first date. You seemed fine with the original plan but I think you sent a signal that you want to accelerate the process and now want to back off. If you want to meet and fall in love with someone what does you winter wardrobe have to do with anything?
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Post by greenlegume on Aug 31, 2014 20:30:08 GMT
I don't know. Something about the timing of his offer still has me thinking no. It would be one thing if y'all knew each other better and he made a different sort of grand gesture, but this just seems designed to get you to let your guard down or something. Plus, why are you the one who has to do the traveling and take the time off work? Something about his offer just seems off.
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scorpeao
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Post by scorpeao on Aug 31, 2014 20:54:34 GMT
No way would I stay for a month...NO WAY! I'd go for maybe 10 days, and see if there's any real chemistry. Maybe the next trip could be for a month.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2014 21:05:16 GMT
I'm going to listen to the sensible part of me and say ill advised. A month is a long time to visit someone you don't know, would you be staying in his house? It would be very awkward if you didn't get on.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 31, 2014 21:11:32 GMT
You want to be dependent on him before you even meet him?
Fine by me if that's what you want, but from reading your posts over the years, all I can see is you going along with it only to rebel against it later.
He made a grand gesture. Why don't you make one and turn down the trip?
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Post by peasapie on Aug 31, 2014 21:19:49 GMT
Not a good idea for so many reasons. But I wonder why you are even considering it. You seem to have so many valid reasons why this isn't a good idea.
Even if he wanted to fly to visit me, I wouldn't do it, because after such a grand gesture I'd feel obligated to spend time with him beyond the initial face-to-face cup of coffee. Which could be when I found out he smells like a porcupine and picks his nose publicly.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 31, 2014 21:20:42 GMT
I'm going to say Ill advised. Didn't you do something like this before? with another guy? You made all these plans, and such? without really knowing him? or something like that? It's ringing a bell. Anyway. I would stick to your original plan of meeting up in a neutral local, and seeing how it goes from there. Ya might not even like ea other when you meet IRL. Then what?
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 31, 2014 21:20:49 GMT
Don't go. That's all. This man is a total stranger and you would be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Aug 31, 2014 21:56:01 GMT
That was humor. If it was really love I'd like to think I'd pass my on my winter wardrobe to my sister. My job begins in early October. I'm already on vacation. But you are right a real grand gesture would be him taking off work to visit me:) We haven't discussed the length of the stay but I wouldnt want to stay less than 2 weeks just because the cost of the ticket and the length of the flight. I wouldn't be staying at his home. He mentioned several options none of them include a stay at his home. But even if I wasn't staying at his home I'd be giving up a lot of control by having someone else pay for my accommodations. You are right if I didn't enjoy his company I'd feel crappy about continuing my stay and I'd actually feel shitty for cutting the trip short. I'm totally fine with meeting him in California because if I don't enjoy the date I can go back to my hotel room and fly out whenever I'd like. No. I've never done anything close to this. When I said " More importantly I've made the mistake of relocating once before with the promise of forever and that didn't turn out so swell. I was referring to the time I moved to Hawaii to be with my boyfriend of 3 years. We made the decision to move together but his parents retired and followed us there. Our relationship lasted another three years (6 total) in Hawaii before it became clear that his parents would never be accepting of our relationship. We parted amicably although I was/am tremendously hurt by the choice I had to make. I could have the same problem on my hands because he is also Asian although he says his parents aren't as traditional. He called about 20 mins ago and I didnt answer  My sister is at church and I'd love to get her take before he and I have another discussion. The California trip is booked. I'd still like to meet him but I kinda have a feeling saying no to his offer will be off putting and maybe it would fizzle before we even meet. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 31, 2014 22:09:43 GMT
Olan, I could be thinking of someone else. I DO know you've had recent drama with another man though? didn't some guy you were dating, just live down the street from you? but didn't tell you?? or something like that?
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Post by bluepoprocks on Aug 31, 2014 22:55:16 GMT
I wouldn't go. No matter how long you have been talking on line he could be lying about a lot of things. He's isolating you from everyone you know that is scary to me.
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Post by BeckyTech on Aug 31, 2014 23:00:27 GMT
This sounds a bit like a fantasy relationship. Ask yourself what is really the point in meeting up? You don't want to relocate and neither does he. Or, one of you would resent the other for having to relocate. Again, what's the point? Realistically, it's probably better to break it off now.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2014 23:10:53 GMT
He called about 20 mins ago and I didnt answer My sister is at church and I'd love to get her take before he and I have another discussion. The California trip is booked. I'd still like to meet him but I kinda have a feeling saying no to his offer will be off putting and maybe it would fizzle before we even meet. My first response to his grand gesture was also no - too much too soon. Then I read on through the rest of the posts and got to your latest update. This last sentence says it all. Turning down his 'grand gesture' should not run him off - and that fact that you think it will speaks volumes!! Listen to your own spidey senses - they are telling you no! |
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 31, 2014 23:37:11 GMT
I don't see the problem with saying, let's just go ahead with the California date and then discuss anything further after that. DO NOT agree to go to Hawaii on his dime until you've spent some time with him in person in a neutral setting where you have control.
Grand gestures are nice and romantic, but in this case the timing is inappropriate. Besides, a grand gesture would be him coming to you.
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Post by penny on Sept 1, 2014 0:24:16 GMT
The California plan sounds grand but not complicated so that would be my choice... I like that if you don't hit it off, you can have a simple and compassionate conversation rather than one that is awkward, uncomfortable, and possibly hurtful (rejection)... A grand gesture on a second date won't feel any less special Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Sept 1, 2014 0:26:13 GMT
funny, I see him flying to California for a long weekend to meet you quite a grand gesture. I would stick to that plan, but let him know it really meant a lot that he was willing to fly you out to him for a longer length of time. and that if things work out well in California, then you'd love to take him up on the Hawaii trip down the road. |
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 1, 2014 0:45:58 GMT
Olan, I could be thinking of someone else. I DO know you've had recent drama with another man though? didn't some guy you were dating, just live down the street from you? but didn't tell you?? or something like that? It is absolutely someone else. However I did date a guy recently who lived within shouting distance but during casual conversation only mentioned he lived on the same side of town. There were more smaller things that made me leery of him and I think I focused on what I thought was the most telling and concrete. I see him every single day on my way to the gym. He is either walking his dog or some random girl to the metro stop. Very gentlemen-like. More often than not we are on different sides of the street but if we are on the same side he will say "Good morning Miss Last Name" hahaha. I think I was right about him. I wouldn't call that drama. I think the peas concluded he didnt tell me where he lived for fear I was bat shit crazy. Anyway I listen to my gut a lot but some of the closest people around me believe I write men off too soon especially the ones with promise. A co-worker says I need to believe that what I need will be provided by the universe. Another date (really perceptive and interesting but aging rapidly and looking to settle down) said I need to allow men the space to lay down a small layer of bullshit because its mostly harmless...and then he added "until its not". I called him out on something relatively minor and his argument was he was laying a foundation and if he would have answered yes to the question I would have wrote him off. He lied about how deeply religious he was. When asked if he went to church regularly he said no because my profile suggest I lack faith. Cindy how is your marriage doing? I agree the real grand gesture would be him taking off work and coming to visit me. I think the issue is we are both excited about the chemistry that presented itself without much warning and aren't being patient enough. His first message to me was literally "Hey I've stood in that same spot"! We then exchanged another 111 messages all about travel and life in Hawaii. I just re-read them (trying to comb for red flags) and I noticed he ended every message with a question.  Silly questions like he just wanted to keep the conversation going...really endearing. This was really helpful. I guess my reason for wanting to meet is to see if my suspicions are true. I think he is really genuine and sweet. I'll ask him the same question. Thanks. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Sept 1, 2014 1:32:32 GMT
Cripes Olan...I can't imagine dating you. You sound...way too high maintenance. Do you read something in to everything?!!
My marriage is doing great!! TFA!
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 1, 2014 1:41:49 GMT
Cripes Olan...I can't imagine dating you. You sound...way too high maintenance. Do you read something in to everything?!! My marriage is doing great!! TFA! Glad your marriage is doing better. Over the years you've posted a lot about how unhappy you are in your marriage so its great to hear things are looking up! Although I do have a tendency to over think things dating me would be a tad more interesting than you paint your marriage out to be.  |
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Post by christine58 on Sept 1, 2014 2:33:01 GMT
No way would I go there for a month...or a weekend.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Sept 1, 2014 2:39:14 GMT
"Although I do have a tendency to over think things dating me would be a tad more interesting than you paint your marriage out to be. " ------------------------------- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...ok. Olan!! |
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Post by jmurray on Sept 1, 2014 2:44:22 GMT
Personally I wouldn't go unless I paid for it myself. It's ok to accept that kind of thing after you've progressed into a relationship IMO, but up until that point I'd rather not do it.
Of course there's nothing that says you can't accept the offer and if it goes all to hell on day 3 then just leave. If you felt bad about it you could pay back any fares or hotel bills that he incurred. But to avoid that risk I'd pay my own way or postpone until I could afford it.
As for the geographic hurdles... If neither if you would be ok with relocating then you really should nip this in the bud, because it's going nowhere.
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Post by annabella on Sept 1, 2014 2:51:56 GMT
Since you had the experience once, why are you corresponding with men that live in other states to begin with? Especially in a state that is so far and one that you know you don't want to go to? It's like you're purposely setting yourself up for this.
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Olan
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Post by Olan on Sept 1, 2014 3:13:54 GMT
Since you had the experience once, why are you corresponding with men that live in other states to begin with? Especially in a state that is so far and one that you know you don't want to go to? It's like you're purposely setting yourself up for this. I mentioned this above... but he initiated the correspondence. My profile photo is me at the top of a fairly difficult hike I'd say its only recognizable to someone who has done the hike a time or two. His first message was about the photo. I responded to well...I guess just to be polite and it kinda went from there. And despite what Cindy thinks I haven't had this experience before! My ex and I mutually agreed Hawaii would be a cool place to live. He applied for a job and it required him to move before I could sell my place. In year 3 of our six year relationship he moved and I stayed behind. I joined him shortly after. We bought a home and started planning a wedding then his mother decided she would prefer not to have a black daughter in law. My ex wasn't being assertive so I made the choice to end our relationship. Totally different set of circumstances. I mean I guess in a way I am purposely setting myself up for it. I can decide today in this moment to stop speaking to him because of the distance. I just don't like nagging what if's. I like him. |
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Post by Zee on Sept 1, 2014 3:23:25 GMT
Idk. My sil made a leap of faith meeting a man from the netherlands and it worked out so well, she moved there and they've been married for years. |
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NoWomanNoCry
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Sept 1, 2014 3:58:49 GMT
I would go to Cali first and see what happens. Even if its for just a day you spend together that's better than nothing...at least you will get somewhat of a feel of what he is like. Then I would go from there reguarding Hawaii. If you do Hawaii I wouldn't let him pay for your expense while your there...makes for a sticky situation in my opinion. I know a lot of people are saying not to stay a month but I honestly can understand why you would want a longer trip..ticket price plus length of plane ride..makes sense. However I wouldn't hesitate to leave if you felt you weren't feeling it anymore. I took a leap of faith and it worked out. I uprooted my life which I NEVER thought I would do (again) lol. Although I completely hate living in my new state but I love my DH so I make it work. I wish you all the luck |
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etc. More importantly I've made the mistake of relocating once before with the promise of forever and that didn't turn out so swell. He was born and raised in Kona and moved to Oahu to expand a family business so his ties are pretty strong. He thinks moving to the mainland would be fun but I worry that he'd miss Hawaii just as much as I do and resent the fact that he left it all behind. 
My sister is at church and I'd love to get her take before he and I have another discussion. The California trip is booked. I'd still like to meet him but I kinda have a feeling saying no to his offer will be off putting and maybe it would fizzle before we even meet. 
Silly questions like he just wanted to keep the conversation going...really endearing. 
