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Post by zztop11 on Oct 31, 2017 14:53:05 GMT
I understand what you are going through. I think part of it is a "cultural" thing that the IL's get to invite their friends. I know this would have happened on my husband's side of the family. But you MUST learn to stand up for yourself. You MUST! When my daughter got married, my MIL called me at midnight (as I'm about to go to bed after a very long day and rehearsal dinner) before the wedding day to say that her close friend was back in town and that they wanted to come to the wedding. I said OK but that there would not be a place to sit down and eat because all the table settings were made up and I was not going to change it on her wedding day. She got perturbed. She told me I should let them come because they give "very good gifts". I stood my ground. They did not come.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 31, 2017 14:53:07 GMT
I am sorry they are ruining the party for you. Go back and take out the people off the list that you don't even know. Put back on the list the relatives you do know. You are already the bad guy so it doesn't matter. Trim the list until you have the number of people you can afford. This is what I would do. After their behavior, they don't get a list.
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Post by Susie_Homemaker on Oct 31, 2017 14:53:23 GMT
Reading the replies another thought came to mind. Just simply thank them for the list and then go about your day (maybe for next time since it's too late for it this time). Just be polite. They don't really get a say in it anyway so just say 'thank you' and send invites to who you and your DD want to be there.
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Post by myshelly on Oct 31, 2017 14:57:57 GMT
You're in charge of the party. You do the guest list. You made it harder than it has to be by asking for their opinions in the first place.
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Post by krazykatlady on Oct 31, 2017 14:58:02 GMT
Your DH made you call? I think not dear Sir. Your parents = your problem. I totally agree with what other peas have said about saying thanks for the suggestions and then inviting people that you want. I agree. Your husband needs to be dealing with his parents, not you.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Oct 31, 2017 14:59:47 GMT
I know what everyone is saying is reasonable. Dh made a big mistake at the start but giving them a number. He thought let them make a list and then we choose from it. It didn’t go that way. They pushed and pushed and wouldn’t listen to us and freaked out and we’re so rude to dh I couldn’t take it.
When they came back yesterday with we need to add this person back on (as thought it was their list to play with’ I couldn’t take it anymore. Told dh to call and he said they treat him like crap why don’t I try calling because they won’t be as rude to me. So I did. Then they did their passive aggressive shit that made me feel bad (why?).
Thanks for responses here today. I’m starting to feel more mad and less guilty.
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Post by epeanymous on Oct 31, 2017 15:03:50 GMT
They cut the close relatives because they figure that you will add them back yourself, so they still get all "their" guests.
You are not the bad guy. They are trying to make you feel like the bad guy and giving you grief so you do what they want. It's just straightforward manipulation. You have to ignore them if you want to put together the event you want. And as someone who went through exactly this with my oldest two years ago for her bat mitzvah, I am a big advocate of being clear, firm, and sticking to your guns. "I have your list of guests you wanted. It is too long, so we are sending invites to the people on the list to whom our family is closest." Lather, rinse, repeat.
Sorry you are dealing with it.
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Post by salem on Oct 31, 2017 15:07:20 GMT
A) tell your DH to grow a pair and set the boundaries with his parents, like NOW! B) the party is for your DD and 300 people? That's absurd C) After dealing with in-laws for almost 20 years before they passed, who sound very similar to yours, accept that they are assholes. You can't compromise with people like that. Don't let them get you upset. They will not change. You will always be the bad guy, but you know what? Screw them! This is about your kid, not your IL's so carry on with your plans. If they want to tantrum and cut the whole list, let them. They're the petty ones here.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 31, 2017 15:09:27 GMT
I know what everyone is saying is reasonable. Dh made a big mistake at the start but giving them a number. He thought let them make a list and then we choose from it. It didn’t go that way. They pushed and pushed and wouldn’t listen to us and freaked out and we’re so rude to dh I couldn’t take it. When they came back yesterday with we need to add this person back on (as thought it was their list to play with’ I couldn’t take it anymore. Told dh to call and he said they treat him like crap why don’t I try calling because they won’t be as rude to me. So I did. Then they did their passive aggressive shit that made me feel bad (why?). Thanks for responses here today. I’m starting to feel more mad and less guilty. Good. I would have dh call them back and tell them thank you for the list, but we are going to do all of the inviting. Done. Hang up. When your daughter doesn't get to invite the people she wants, there is a problem with the list. The party is for her and not your parents.
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moodyblue
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Post by moodyblue on Oct 31, 2017 15:15:33 GMT
They cut the close relatives because they figure that you will add them back yourself, so they still get all "their" guests. You are not the bad guy. They are trying to make you feel like the bad guy and giving you grief so you do what they want. It's just straightforward manipulation. You have to ignore them if you want to put together the event you want. And as someone who went through exactly this with my oldest two years ago for her bat mitzvah, I am a big advocate of being clear, firm, and sticking to your guns. "I have your list of guests you wanted. It is too long, so we are sending invites to the people on the list to whom our family is closest." Lather, rinse, repeat. Sorry you are dealing with it. I liked this post but I'm quoting it too because I think it's dead on, especially about the manipulation of cutting the close people because they know you will include them and then they'll get the others they want invited.
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Anita
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Post by Anita on Oct 31, 2017 15:15:59 GMT
I think I would dis-invite THEM and free up a couple more spots!
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Post by julieinsweden on Oct 31, 2017 15:19:08 GMT
I would be passive aggresive and not invite any on their list at all.
But it's your DD's party she gets to invite who she wants. She has never heard of uncle jo....gone. Some friend of gran's .....gone. Family and friends that would even know DD by name can be considered.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2017 15:28:08 GMT
I am sorry they are ruining the party for you. Go back and take out the people off the list that you don't even know. Put back on the list the relatives you do know. You are already the bad guy so it doesn't matter. Trim the list until you have the number of people you can afford.
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Oct 31, 2017 15:34:56 GMT
I am going to shock folks and generally agree.
That said, you are oversimplifying the problem. The ILs are clearly old school. They care about appearances. For them, this event isn't just for the OP's dd; it's a reflection of then and the family's standing in the wider community. On some level, the desire of the OP & her dh re: limiting the size of the party is an embarrassment to them. That is why they're cutting the folks the OP knows. It isn't to be passive aggressive. They're cutting the folks who understand the culture enough to cut them slack because they get these 'folks the OP doesn't even know' are the status conscious ones who will damage the family's reputation if they aren't given the invite they are 'owed' because these things are about social quid pro quo. These folks they are keeping are the ones to whom they see themselves as socially indebted to, or with whom they will lose face if they're snubbed.
Truly, as much as it pains me and you will hate heating it, I'd take a day or two and calm down. Then ask why xyz are the list. If it is that important to them, I'd have the bigger party - IF they financially contribute, including finding and paying for a larger venue should that be necessary to meet what they deem as the family's social responsibilities.
My parents had to do this for my brother's wedding. They knew I'd never marry, and he'd never have his kids christened, so his wedding was the last chance mom would have to balance any social debts our extended family had. She started 50ish over and then in discussing it with her sister got it down about 25 over - kept only the ones my late grandma would need there. The criteria was 'Would omitting this person cause our mother to roll over in her grave/haunt us forever.'
As hard as it is too understand, YOU have hurt them. They are in their own way trying to look out for your family's reputation and it hurts them that you don't seem to care. As far as they're concerned, it matters how this wider community views them, you, and your kids, and you not getting that and sharing that concern is both hurtful & offensive to them on sone level. In their minds they're shielding you from being the subject of gossip & you're being ungrateful.
I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that's how it likely is.
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 31, 2017 15:37:20 GMT
They cut the close relatives because they figure that you will add them back yourself, so they still get all "their" guests. You are not the bad guy. They are trying to make you feel like the bad guy and giving you grief so you do what they want. It's just straightforward manipulation. You have to ignore them if you want to put together the event you want. And as someone who went through exactly this with my oldest two years ago for her bat mitzvah, I am a big advocate of being clear, firm, and sticking to your guns. "I have your list of guests you wanted. It is too long, so we are sending invites to the people on the list to whom our family is closest." Lather, rinse, repeat. Sorry you are dealing with it. Their friends are likely very aware their granddaughter's bat mitzvah is coming up. Based on experience with my MIL and her sister, I suspect everyone on their list has already been unofficially invited and that is why they are digging in their heels. This is not your problem. They aren't going to be reasonable or come around to cutting the list, so thanking them for their suggestions and invite those that you want to be there is the route I would go.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 31, 2017 15:45:13 GMT
I am going to shock folks and generally agree. That said, you are oversimplifying the problem. The ILs are clearly old school. They care about appearances. For them, this event isn't just for the OP's dd; it's a reflection of then and the family's standing in the wider community. On some level, the desire of the OP & her dh re: limiting the size of the party is an embarrassment to them. That is why they're cutting the folks the OP knows. It isn't to be passive aggressive. They're cutting the folks who understand the culture enough to cut them slack because they get these 'folks the OP doesn't even know' are the status conscious ones who will damage the family's reputation if they aren't given the invite they are 'owed' because these things are about social quid pro quo. These folks they are keeping are the ones to whom they see themselves as socially indebted to, or with whom they will lose face if they're snubbed. Truly, as much as it pains me and you will hate heating it, I'd take a day or two and calm down. Then ask why xyz are the list. If it is that important to them, I'd have the bigger party - IF they financially contribute, including finding and paying for a larger venue should that be necessary to meet what they deem as the family's social responsibilities. My parents had to do this for my brother's wedding. They knew I'd never marry, and he'd never have his kids christened, so his wedding was the last chance mom would have to balance any social debts our extended family had. She started 50ish over and then in discussing it with her sister got it down about 25 over - kept only the ones my late grandma would need there. The criteria was 'Would omitting this person cause our mother to roll over in her grave/haunt us forever.' As hard as it is too understand, YOU have hurt them. They are in their own way trying to look out for your family's reputation and it hurts them that you don't seem to care. As far as they're concerned, it matters how this wider community views them, you, and your kids, and you not getting that and sharing that concern is both hurtful & offensive to them on sone level. In their minds they're shielding you from being the subject of gossip & you're being ungrateful. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that's how it likely is. While I agree with what you are saying most likely true, that does not make it right. Each family gets to decide how they live their life. They don't get to shove their values or ways onto how you raise your children. They don't get to abuse the dh. They just don't. If they want to provide their grandchild with a different party later on, then they can do that. The biggest part of raising children is teaching them what is right and not what has always been done in the past. They need to stand up for their child (and what they can handle financially) and do the right thing by her. While that worked for your family, and to be honest, there were a lot of people I didn't know at my wedding (but I didn't pay for it), I do not think that old ways are always the right ways. Seems very out-of-date and old fashioned in my book. If people who don't know my kids are going to gossip about me, I really don't care. Neither should my kid. They need to teach her that.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 31, 2017 15:58:57 GMT
I only read the op. Don't give people a number. Invite who YOU, DH, and DD want and nobody else.
I Don't care what the ils list says. You invite who you eant. You are addressing the envelopes.
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Oct 31, 2017 16:03:08 GMT
I am going to shock folks and generally agree. That said, you are oversimplifying the problem. The ILs are clearly old school. They care about appearances. For them, this event isn't just for the OP's dd; it's a reflection of then and the family's standing in the wider community. On some level, the desire of the OP & her dh re: limiting the size of the party is an embarrassment to them. That is why they're cutting the folks the OP knows. It isn't to be passive aggressive. They're cutting the folks who understand the culture enough to cut them slack because they get these 'folks the OP doesn't even know' are the status conscious ones who will damage the family's reputation if they aren't given the invite they are 'owed' because these things are about social quid pro quo. These folks they are keeping are the ones to whom they see themselves as socially indebted to, or with whom they will lose face if they're snubbed. Truly, as much as it pains me and you will hate heating it, I'd take a day or two and calm down. Then ask why xyz are the list. If it is that important to them, I'd have the bigger party - IF they financially contribute, including finding and paying for a larger venue should that be necessary to meet what they deem as the family's social responsibilities. My parents had to do this for my brother's wedding. They knew I'd never marry, and he'd never have his kids christened, so his wedding was the last chance mom would have to balance any social debts our extended family had. She started 50ish over and then in discussing it with her sister got it down about 25 over - kept only the ones my late grandma would need there. The criteria was 'Would omitting this person cause our mother to roll over in her grave/haunt us forever.' As hard as it is too understand, YOU have hurt them. They are in their own way trying to look out for your family's reputation and it hurts them that you don't seem to care. As far as they're concerned, it matters how this wider community views them, you, and your kids, and you not getting that and sharing that concern is both hurtful & offensive to them on sone level. In their minds they're shielding you from being the subject of gossip & you're being ungrateful. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that's how it likely is. Too bad if the ILs are having a difficult time. Perhaps when the ILs celebrate their own special anniversary, they can then invite those who they feel "they get these 'folks the OP doesn't even know' are the status conscious ones who will damage the family's reputation if they aren't given the invite they are 'owed' because these things are about social quid pro quo. These folks they are keeping are the ones to whom they see themselves as socially indebted to, or with whom they will lose face if they're snubbed." NOT A PROBLEM OF THE OP or her DH. This is THE TIME that the OP & her DH are marking "in the sand", that this is THEIR DD's Bat Mitzma and that the grandparents are NOT in control. Their time (the ILs) is almost over. Time for the newer generation to take over. It doesn't matter what your parents did with your db. Again, the old is now passing and this is THE TIME for the newer generation, who have their OWN nuclear family to be in control. OP - only invite those people who YOU & YOUR DD want at this event. This is about HER! Completely about HER! Too bad that the grandparents don't get to invite who they want, it is completely about YOU & YOUR FAMILY. Don't let them guilt you. Your daughter, about whom this event is about, and YOUR opinion is the most that matters. It is unfortunate that the grandparents don't realize that they are not in control, a very difficult process for them to go through. THIS IS YOUR TIME! You also have to think about your younger dd. This first event sets a president for her bat mitzvah. This is YOUR family, the children that you gave birth to. It is 2017. Too many people are over-staying their "guilt based power". YOU are sending the invitations to YOUR DD's Bat Mitzvah. Remember "The first cut is the deepest & hurts the most". Don't be a push-over. The old is gone and the new is here. I learned this with my own ds' wedding. I was only given 20 people, so 10 couples and a choice of one paternal relative (uncle & aunt of grandparent, 1 from each side.) Difficult yes, however this was the request of the bride & groom as it was THEIR WEDDING, not a Social Obligation of mine, to reciprocate to my friends/family. Yes, there were a few hurt feelings, however, I did explain, when asked, that this was at the request of the bride & groom. They actually chose the extended relative that had been active in their lives, growing up. This is how the world is working. Get with the new, out with the old. Many hugs and grow a big, strong backbone. YOU CAN DO IT!
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Post by shamrock on Oct 31, 2017 16:05:14 GMT
I get it, we had the same issue for our wedding. Luckily, in a way, since then inlaws don't seem to care.
IMO, I'd cut from grandparents & my lists to get DD all the people SHE wants there. Then I'd add in family that needs to be there, then my friends, then both sets of grandparents requests.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2017 16:16:04 GMT
I thought this only happened for weddings. Totally feel for you, but some of the suggestions here may help you out! Good luck with the family dynamics. That is what looks like where the problem lies.
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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 31, 2017 16:18:07 GMT
Your dh never should have put you in the line of fire. Knowing that he has a bad relationship w/his parents, I think that from now on you need to keep very limited contact w/them. When you give them choices they take over and manipulate you both. Time to cut that cord and have a peaceful life. They will get an invitation and likely an Aliyah and that's enough. They will be honored as grandparents on the Bima. (For those who are reading, I'm talking about the part of the service where close family is called up to the Torah.)
Personally, I wouldn't give it another thought. You invite the people who will give the event meaning. This is about your dd and her milestone. This isn't about your outlaws impressing their friends. I wouldn't attend a Bat Mitzvah for the friend of a friend. I'd see it as a gift grab. Since you know that your outlaws are the way they are it's time to be strong and only talk to them when needed. They are in the wrong. Period.
Make this your daughter's day. Plan the party, be excited and focus on the meaning of the day. Rehearse your Torah portion and focus on the fun stuff. This is a party. Have fun w/it, despite the peanut gallery.
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imsirius
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Jul 12, 2014 19:59:28 GMT
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Post by imsirius on Oct 31, 2017 16:26:04 GMT
Your DD should not have had to cut anyone off HER list. It's HER party.
Tell your in laws to suck it up or don't bother showing up.
Pick the people from their list that are close to your DD and forget the rest.
It's shitty that your DH made you deal with his parents like that. He needs to grow a pair and tell them himself.
Your poor DD must be stressed.
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 31, 2017 16:28:05 GMT
I am going to shock folks and generally agree. That said, you are oversimplifying the problem. The ILs are clearly old school. They care about appearances. For them, this event isn't just for the OP's dd; it's a reflection of then and the family's standing in the wider community. On some level, the desire of the OP & her dh re: limiting the size of the party is an embarrassment to them. That is why they're cutting the folks the OP knows. It isn't to be passive aggressive. They're cutting the folks who understand the culture enough to cut them slack because they get these 'folks the OP doesn't even know' are the status conscious ones who will damage the family's reputation if they aren't given the invite they are 'owed' because these things are about social quid pro quo. These folks they are keeping are the ones to whom they see themselves as socially indebted to, or with whom they will lose face if they're snubbed. Truly, as much as it pains me and you will hate heating it, I'd take a day or two and calm down. Then ask why xyz are the list. If it is that important to them, I'd have the bigger party - IF they financially contribute, including finding and paying for a larger venue should that be necessary to meet what they deem as the family's social responsibilities. My parents had to do this for my brother's wedding. They knew I'd never marry, and he'd never have his kids christened, so his wedding was the last chance mom would have to balance any social debts our extended family had. She started 50ish over and then in discussing it with her sister got it down about 25 over - kept only the ones my late grandma would need there. The criteria was 'Would omitting this person cause our mother to roll over in her grave/haunt us forever.' As hard as it is too understand, YOU have hurt them. They are in their own way trying to look out for your family's reputation and it hurts them that you don't seem to care. As far as they're concerned, it matters how this wider community views them, you, and your kids, and you not getting that and sharing that concern is both hurtful & offensive to them on sone level. In their minds they're shielding you from being the subject of gossip & you're being ungrateful. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that's how it likely is. Let's take this another direction. Plan the party that you can afford. Don't suck up to people who are not in your life and that you don't know. Keep the guest list under 300. I'm part of a big Catholic family. When I got married, my parents paid for everything. I was a month out of college, as was DH. My parents pretty much drove the guest list, and invited 2nd cousins twice removed and so on. Dad said if he was paying, he got to invite whomever he wanted. I had that wedding with over 300 people there and I'd bet big money that I didn't even talk to half of them. It was too much. WAY too much. My mother had died a month before the wedding (the day after I graduated college.) Dad didn't want me "living with a guy", so the wedding went on. Three years later, Dad got remarried. They had maybe 100 people at their wedding because they didn't want a big fancy wedding. So then and there, you can see that it really didn't matter. Have the party that you want. Stop trying to please everyone but you, your DH, and your DD on this day. She's going to be overwhelmed with 300 people at her Bat Mitzvah, won't talk to half of them, and is just going to want to hang out with her friends. Make the ceremony about family, but realize that at the party, she's won't want to spend time chatting with her grandfather's boss. She's going to be having fun with her friends. As she should.
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peppermintpatty
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Jun 26, 2014 17:47:08 GMT
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Post by peppermintpatty on Oct 31, 2017 16:31:04 GMT
Your DD should be able to invite anyone she wants. Period. It's her day. You invite those you know and want to be there. Those who have guided your dd, who are people for her to lean on, to look up to, to guide her.
I wouldn't have even asked the IL's who they wanted to invite. If they aren't paying for the party and it is NOT ABOUT THEM, then they should have no say in it.
Tell your dh to grow a pair and stand up to his parents.
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Post by finally~a~mama on Oct 31, 2017 16:52:31 GMT
Sounds like your ILs are controlling and don't like you (or your DH). They're already mad and having a tantrum. Don't give in to them. That just teaches them they can throw a fit and get their way. Don't you have two DDs? I'm assuming this event is for the oldest one? If you give in and invite everyone they want you will have this exact same issue again when it's your youngest DD's turn for this.
This is for DD? Invite everyone she wants (within reason) and then invite the guests that you & DH want to be there. Consider the original lists from both your parents & ILs as "suggestions". Choose who you want from those "suggestion lists" to fill out the rest of the available invites. Don't discuss the invites any further. IL (and your parents) gave their input and now they are done. You get to do with it what you will. If asked just say "invites have been taken care of."
And next time DH tells you to handle his parents.. don't. Refuse. You know it won't go well. If he isn't willing to deal with their B.S. you shouldn't have to either.
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Post by finally~a~mama on Oct 31, 2017 17:01:02 GMT
I am going to shock folks and generally agree. That said, you are oversimplifying the problem. The ILs are clearly old school. They care about appearances. For them, this event isn't just for the OP's dd; it's a reflection of then and the family's standing in the wider community. On some level, the desire of the OP & her dh re: limiting the size of the party is an embarrassment to them. That is why they're cutting the folks the OP knows. It isn't to be passive aggressive. They're cutting the folks who understand the culture enough to cut them slack because they get these 'folks the OP doesn't even know' are the status conscious ones who will damage the family's reputation if they aren't given the invite they are 'owed' because these things are about social quid pro quo. These folks they are keeping are the ones to whom they see themselves as socially indebted to, or with whom they will lose face if they're snubbed. Truly, as much as it pains me and you will hate heating it, I'd take a day or two and calm down. Then ask why xyz are the list. If it is that important to them, I'd have the bigger party - IF they financially contribute, including finding and paying for a larger venue should that be necessary to meet what they deem as the family's social responsibilities. My parents had to do this for my brother's wedding. They knew I'd never marry, and he'd never have his kids christened, so his wedding was the last chance mom would have to balance any social debts our extended family had. She started 50ish over and then in discussing it with her sister got it down about 25 over - kept only the ones my late grandma would need there. The criteria was 'Would omitting this person cause our mother to roll over in her grave/haunt us forever.' As hard as it is too understand, YOU have hurt them. They are in their own way trying to look out for your family's reputation and it hurts them that you don't seem to care. As far as they're concerned, it matters how this wider community views them, you, and your kids, and you not getting that and sharing that concern is both hurtful & offensive to them on sone level. In their minds they're shielding you from being the subject of gossip & you're being ungrateful. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that's how it likely is. Are they old school? Or are they just jerks who want their way? Because I'm thinking if they are old school they would say "Paige we have to invite Mary Jo & Bill because they invite us to everything for their grandchildren." Instead they said stuff that is apparently so awful (to both DH & to Paige) that she won't even type it out here. That's not old school; that's asshole.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Oct 31, 2017 17:07:39 GMT
I would have needed drugs to deal with how angry I'd be at my DH if he put me in this position!
His parents, his problem. I would have had him put the smack down. This is not their party. They don't get to decide who is invited. They gave you list, you pick from their list and decide. Personally, I wouldn't invite anyone who my DD did not know. This is her party. We have some family on my ex husband's side that is estranged (grandparents). My DD is graduating high school this year and I flat out asked her if she wanted to invite her grandparents. She said no. I respect that. It's her party.
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moodyblue
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Oct 31, 2017 17:14:54 GMT
I am going to shock folks and generally agree. That said, you are oversimplifying the problem. The ILs are clearly old school. They care about appearances. For them, this event isn't just for the OP's dd; it's a reflection of then and the family's standing in the wider community. On some level, the desire of the OP & her dh re: limiting the size of the party is an embarrassment to them. That is why they're cutting the folks the OP knows. It isn't to be passive aggressive. They're cutting the folks who understand the culture enough to cut them slack because they get these 'folks the OP doesn't even know' are the status conscious ones who will damage the family's reputation if they aren't given the invite they are 'owed' because these things are about social quid pro quo. These folks they are keeping are the ones to whom they see themselves as socially indebted to, or with whom they will lose face if they're snubbed. Truly, as much as it pains me and you will hate heating it, I'd take a day or two and calm down. Then ask why xyz are the list. If it is that important to them, I'd have the bigger party - IF they financially contribute, including finding and paying for a larger venue should that be necessary to meet what they deem as the family's social responsibilities. My parents had to do this for my brother's wedding. They knew I'd never marry, and he'd never have his kids christened, so his wedding was the last chance mom would have to balance any social debts our extended family had. She started 50ish over and then in discussing it with her sister got it down about 25 over - kept only the ones my late grandma would need there. The criteria was 'Would omitting this person cause our mother to roll over in her grave/haunt us forever.' As hard as it is too understand, YOU have hurt them. They are in their own way trying to look out for your family's reputation and it hurts them that you don't seem to care. As far as they're concerned, it matters how this wider community views them, you, and your kids, and you not getting that and sharing that concern is both hurtful & offensive to them on sone level. In their minds they're shielding you from being the subject of gossip & you're being ungrateful. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that's how it likely is. Maybe this is part of it for the in-laws - but when does that end? How long are people obligated to fulfill someone else's expectations? Why should they be expected to do this? If they don't make a choice this time, then they'll be expected to go along for their younger daughter, and then whatever comes next. Sometimes the old expectations and practices need to be put aside, and this may be the time to start that process.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,388
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Oct 31, 2017 17:18:04 GMT
IMHO this is not an in-law issue; rather, you should be upset with your spouse. Once the conflict arose/escalated, he cowardly urged you to then deal with it...to shift his parents' ire from him to you!
Since you asked grandparents to contribute to the guest list without boundaries( or at least communicating/warning their list may be edited), your in-laws are likely upset because they've already informally invited the people whose names they submitted & are put in an awkward position/will now be embarrassed if an invitation isn't sent. Further, grandparents' guests should have been the only ones cut from the list if they comprised (over) half of it. Your daughter should not be expected to edit even one name from her list to accomodate grandpa's fishing buddies & spouses, or the like, who she's never met.
Remember the purpose of the party is to celebrate your daughter!
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Oct 31, 2017 17:18:57 GMT
I read this and thought, nah, I'm missing something cultural or something historical. This is not about party invites. This is about something else. I do not know if cycworker is on to the truth but this isn't about a party or being told you can't invite someone. Figure out their motivation and you can probably figure out how to understand what is happening. I do not condone their attitudes, reactions or demands. I am simply saying this isn't about the guest list or the money.
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