azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755 
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 6:28:17 GMT
I was told yesterday I'm at the anger phase. We're coming up on the year mark of her death. (my mom)I don't normally get sentimental about anniv dates like that. it was so ugly and sudden as was my dog Duke. He died two days prior. He was starting to do better walking even. Then he went into cardiac arrest in the hall the Tuesday. My mom died on Thur. The circumstances around her death and what was going on in her life were horrible. We are only scratching the surface of it. I did cover most of it in counselling. I havent been in a few months as my health has been rough. My stomach surgery was in Aug. I'm frustrated that things aren't moving like they should, or are worse than they were before the hernias. We're trying different methods. The Dr is ready to send me to another specialist especially for the pain in my legs. We're not sure if it's from the stomach issues or something with my heart/circulation. My frustration is mounting. My SIL and and her cute little family also just lost their little dog yesterday. We are a big dog family. The dogs hang out together when we go to visit. (they live in Utah). I am the only one that lives here. (on purpose! lol) I'm not sure why I'm angry except that she's gone and and my dog is gone and my sisters dog. I am more torn up about my dog and I feel horrible about that. It didn't help that I was in a fight with her althrough Christmas last year and up to the day she died. She had texted me that weekend.She said she was sorry that Duke had taken a turn for the worse. She asked if I was okay. I said NO. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said NO. She never responded back. Nor did I. That was the last thing I said to her. I haven't talked to anyone about that. My sister only knows that had a fight. My mom was being crazy. I wasn't in the mood to deal with her drama. She died and he died and I couldn't do a damn thing about either one! This isn't a good place to be.. but I hope someone can tell me this is 'normal' or just part of the stages? I'm not normally angry or emotional like this. I get over things pretty quick. I get really mad but then I can get over it. Right now I don't know? I may just even be venting.. so you can tell me that too!  The anger phase goes away.. what goes next? I'm afraid? I feel for anyone that's lost someone close. I know a lot of peas lost parents after my mom. My heart goes out to all of you!! I keep telling myself - 'a day at a time' like they taught me in therapy. Good days and bad days. **Small Update 1/14- Now I just need to know if I'm being rational or not so much? So as I mentioned in the other posts below about the Burns Night/Anniv. party. It falls on the 25th of Jan. so their anniv. So my SIL went ahead with the 'party' this year. She did invite step dad #3. He immediately declined the invitation as Dh and I knew he would because he's really pissed at my siblings as are we. So I get the invite and find out that my youngest sister accepted the invitation and is postiting on my oldest brothers posts about some music that we listened to growing up. Youngest sister says yes lets include that in the party. She's decided to go since Step dad #3 is NOT going.  Small explanation -I mentioned a lot of the drama about the time she died with my youngest sister. She also lives in another state and is traveling to the party on her own expense. I dont know what happened to the $1,000s of dollars of credit card debt that were in her and my mothers name. (she wanted some us to help pay it) Only part of that is the reason step dad #3 is so angry at youngest sibling. He has NO idea how bad the debt is. That dh is sure of. So Now I'm really pissed. I shouldn't even care. Now it's just a party. This would have killed my mother. She tried to do it the year she died (in Jan she died in feb). but things were so bad in the family it didn't happen. Now they all of a sudden are going out of their way to have this damn party. Oh and I meant to mention refugeepea yes, I am familiar with Mormon funerals but my mother was adamint about not having one. We were fine with that. I just wish she had a grave stone? She was even cremated and we had a wake.And with our family dynamics of every religion- that part I'm ok with it. So why is this party bothering me so bad. Even DH wasn't mad about it till he found out my youngest sister was going. I'm I being irrational about it? Is it like hop2 said, maybe the anniv thing is bothering me more than I expected? |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 6:40:24 GMT
I went through loss of Mom and the dog in two weeks so I am pretty qualified to respond. I am not giving any advice but am sending gentle squishy hugs because it sucks so badly. How could God take them both at the same time?
I am on the other side now and it is much better. You can fight grief all you want. You can scream at it but it still happens at the worst times. I had a meltdown on Boxing Day when someone set my place in mom’s spot. Oh god that was bad.
It will get better I am 1000% sure it will but grief is as normal as breathing is. We all must go through it as humans and we do get through it and come out alive on the other side. I pinky swear to you that you will get through this alive no matter how hard it is.
Tonight I send you much love. ❤️
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 6:44:09 GMT
I went through loss of Mom and the dog in two weeks so I am pretty qualified to respond. I am not giving any advice but am sending gentle squishy hugs because it sucks so badly. How could God take them both at the same time? I am on the other side now and it is much better. You can fight grief all you want. You can scream at it but it still happens at the worst times. I had a meltdown on Boxing Day when someone set my place in mom’s spot. Oh god that was bad. It will get better I am 1000% sure it will but grief is as normal as breathing is. We all must go through it as humans and we do get through it and come out alive on the other side. I pinky swear to you that you will get through this alive no matter how hard it is. Tonight I send you much love. ❤️ Thank you friend!! I know you've been through the mud tooo!! I wish I could hug you! |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 6:48:09 GMT
One thing that works for me is not stifling the tears. That just doesn’t work. When you are sad-cry. It feels better. Tomorrow after dawn will be better and you can handle things again. I still have ##^}{%#{ awful days but I have good days, too. I promise!
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Post by drummergirl65 on Jan 12, 2018 6:49:13 GMT
It's been almost a decade and I still have grief and tears and remember joys and then there is also anger. I don't think it ever really goes away but it does get better. Much better. Grief changes us. We all are human and will be touched by it at some point. Be gentle with yourself
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 6:51:27 GMT
One thing that works for me is not stifling the tears. That just doesn’t work. When you are sad-cry. It feels better. Tomorrow after dawn will be better and you can handle things again. I still have ##^}{%#{ awful days but I have good days, too. I promise! your words mean the world to me! I have been getting better at just letting myself cry. The funny part is about the same time I got her box of stuf from my sister, I would wake up out of a dead sleep and just cry myself back to sleep. That went on for a few weeks. Dh was a little surprised. He would just hold my hand or hug me and just let me cry. I hadn't done it since but now I've had small tears here and there. This weeks trigger I'm sure was the other dog. Delta Dawn do you just talk yourself through it.. Dh says I only talk about her in generals too. drummergirl65 HUGS! I'm sure. it's startling that it changes so much of us. |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 7:01:48 GMT
I just cry through it like now. I am in my mom’s favourite place and she isn’t here to enjoy it with me. I have huge tears rolling down my cheeks writing this but I know tomorrow will be better.
There are just some really bad days but I post about a lot of good days, too.
Grief comes and goes. It’s not an exact science. We can never replace our mothers. I was very close to mine and my heart is hollow now. That doesn’t mean I have stopped living. It just means life is different.. iIt isn’t all terrible anymore it’s just different.
I have started dreaming about Mom now. I think she wants me to receive a message that she is ok and doing well.
This is not easy for me to write. I am in tears writing you but I promise it does get much better!!!
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Post by malibou on Jan 12, 2018 7:07:29 GMT
I'm sorry for your losses. Hopefully the happy memories of your mom can find an opening in your thoughts and bring you some peace.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 7:08:32 GMT
Delta Dawn I didn’t mean to make you 😢 but I understand! I am frustrated I can’t picture her at all but my therapist says that takes time and it’s different and different situations but everyone says she’s happy,now we’ll dammit the rest of are sad! 😂 I
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 7:11:00 GMT
Tomorrow will be better. You will see. It’s hard to believe now but the new day will bring new hope. I promise!
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 7:13:27 GMT
Also getting another dog if you haven’t already might make sense. I thought I wanted one this fall but my dad booked us a trip to go away so no dog but I plan to spend all the earthly time my dad has left with him doing cool stuff like I did with Mom.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jan 12, 2018 9:07:12 GMT
First, let me offer huge hugs and my deepest sympathies for your losses.
I have learned that grief is not linear or logical or coherent. Some days, I'm angry. At everything. Some days, I'm on a pendulum that swings between heartbroken and okay and a million options in between those two.
It's a lot of work to grieve and anniversaries can be especially fraught with emotional landmines.
Be gentle with yourself, at least as gentle as you'd be to someone else in your shoes. I will never forget the kindness and compassion you showed when my mother died; I hope you will treat yourself as kindly.
Hoping the days ahead are, at least, bearable for you. ❤❤
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Post by leslie132 on Jan 12, 2018 12:27:38 GMT
There is soooooo much good advice given so far.
When my daughter died I thought it was all over for me. I couldn’t move for weeks and the misery of the loss and then the guilt over the heartache I was bringing to my young son (he was 5 and so excited to be a big brother) it was exhausting.
I went to a counselor. One thing she taught me was that this was my “new” normal. I needed to allow myself to live it....any way I had to. Don’t stop the anger or the tears. That just delays the process. Let yourself be open to the emotions and work through it. Slowly....it isn't a race. Be kind to yourself..... this isn’t easy.
I also know that Dr. Phil gave advise YEARS ago..... I know many people don’t care for him, but this saved me. It was an episode that aired LONG before my daughter was born.... I remember the face of the mom he spoke to! It changed her life. Don’t focus all your time remembering the day she died, or the last conversation or text conversation. Instead remember her and your pup by thinking of the good times. Focus on the good instead of the heartbreak. I had 6 short hours with my daughter.....I try to only think of that small span of time! It makes it easier for me.
Sending hugs your way!
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,579
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 12, 2018 12:39:25 GMT
Totally normal. I will completely validate you. I still so fucking angry at so many of the things that led to my mother's death. And it's been over 2 years. The anger has weakened, but it's still there. Her death was preventable and I'm mad at myself (really irrationally) but at others who could've intervened, but didn't (and it's somewhat irrational anger at them too because hindsight is 20/20.)
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 12, 2018 13:18:45 GMT
azredhead I'm sorry. We all know there are phases to grief, but it doesn't make it easier. Be kind to yourself. I'm glad you see a therapist. To my other friends here - {{{hugs}}} as you remember your loved ones.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 12, 2018 13:32:13 GMT
Ahhh I’m so sorry. Grief sucks. It sucks the life out of you sometimes. And the joy. I hate to say it, but this is pretty accurate:  It’s not like “whew I made it through that phase, only a few more and I’m in the clear.” No, these circle back. Except not in a circle. There’s no rhyme or reason. I’m just now realizing there doesn’t have to be a reason for a grief trigger. It just IS. I wanted to analyze everything. What made me so sad/angry/exhausted today? Sometimes you’ll know. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out it’s connected to a date on the calendar. Other times it just IS and I have to just get through it. As far as anger, I didn’t have much anger but there was one day that things built up and it was a pretty scary feeling. Other people feel angry very often. The whole month of December this year was bad for me. Grief colored every day. Sadness hung around like a thick fog. But one day I found myself being irrationally irritable, getting angry over nothing. I warned everybody to stay away. Big hugs to you. |
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Post by christine58 on Jan 12, 2018 13:37:08 GMT
One thing I have learned over the years...grief has no time table. My niece died in 88 at the age of 30 months. There are days I just sit here and cry. Angry that a stupid doctor didn't make a decision for her to be born via C-section...which led to her brain damage. It's been 30 years...
I also at times feel bad because I miss my Abbey dog so very much...more so some days than other people who have died. It makes no sense to me at times. My heart is broken over her passing in April. What has helped is a Facebook group called The Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss and Grief Support. Lots of support there.
If you could have one more conversation with your mom instead of the one you had--what would you say?? Write it down...I think journaling is a great help.
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Post by donna on Jan 12, 2018 14:04:55 GMT
I dealt with a lot of anger when my sister committed suicide in 1987. I got married a few months later and moved across the country with my new husband. My new friends had no idea that I even had a sister because I never mentioned her. I had lots of dreams about her during that 4 years.
When I moved back home I finally started talking about my sister. My mom and I would laugh and talk together. The talking really helped us heal. Tell all the funny stories and the frustrating ones. It really does help.
Hugs to all that are grieving.
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Post by ToniW on Jan 12, 2018 14:06:10 GMT
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}} I'm still in a hard place, DH's mom passed October, my good friend two weeks later and my mom on Thanksgiving Day.
My friend's name is pretty common, so every so often I see her name on FB and I do a doubletake. I wish I had gone to the hospital to see her as I really wanted to but her son said she didn't want visitors, so I didn't go.
We hadn't seen MIL for a few years, but SIL told us she was not doing well and fortunately saw her a week before she passed. The sad thing was that she didn't know me or her grandson but she did have a speck of recognition of DH.
My mom was talking s**it about DH and me for a bit before she passed and I'm just going to accept (hard as it was to hear) that it was her illness talking. We did have good moments like when she told me she loved me and how hard it was for her to punish me when I little and naughty. I'm just so glad I was able to tell her I loved her and thanked her for taking care of me. I wish I could have told her when she was awake and lucid but they say the hearing is the last to go, so I'm holding on to that theory.
I miss them and I cry, like now, just thinking about them.
Hugs to all of us.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 17:24:30 GMT
Totally normal. I will completely validate you. I still so fucking angry at so many of the things that led to my mother's death. And it's been over 2 years. The anger has weakened, but it's still there. Her death was preventable and I'm mad at myself (really irrationally) but at others who could've intervened, but didn't (and it's somewhat irrational anger at them too because hindsight is 20/20.) You just nailed it and @mikkilynn thank u all I debated posting especially when I’m upset. It was a long night but I finally crashed about 2am (that’s early) for me! lol! I do have a jourt. It’s actually one she bought me in Scotland, last summer. We were supposed to be on that trip to but Dh and I had to cancel for health reasons. The journal has a wood heart on it. She usually gets me stuff with ocean or heart stuff on it. (With my bad heart) We talked about another dog - Dh thinks he’s ready and Pia needs a buddy but she likes the attention! |
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 17:31:19 GMT
The peas are the best! You are all so kind and when someone needs help they are there no matter what! ❤️❤️ Your words mean the worlds to me me and I am so sorry for those who walk this road! I am so glad we don’t walk it alone! You all have my heart and prayers 😍❤️
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 17:53:52 GMT
How are you today? Today you can make a fresh start. If your grief becomes too overwhelming you could go for counseling. I did that and it helped a lot. I saw someone at hospice and she was wonderful. A year later I needed to see someone more regularly and that helped.
I hope you have a good day today. Much love ❤️
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 18:39:02 GMT
Then the song you played at your mother’s funeral comes on and all my composure goes out the window.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 19:09:15 GMT
Then the song you played at your mother’s funeral comes on and all my composure goes out the window. Yup it’s a Scottish hymn my nieces sang, I’m doing better this morning but a little emotional. I should add the big thing in our family is Jan 25th. Burns Night. It’s a Scottish tradition. But also my mom and step dads anniv. So it always a big deal. The one last year was huge. Their 25th. We made It up for that, in fact that was the last time DH saw them. We saw a lot of family and old friends.Many also came to her wake. We just got an email from my SiL asking if we’re coming this year?! They are doing it for my step dad- he is not doing very well physical or mentally, he doesn’t speak to many of them for the same reasons I’m mad. He only speaks to Dh and me and my one sister that lives close. We’ve always been closer to him.She ( SIL) thinks still doing the party will help., except that she is inviting step dad 2. Step dad 2 has been in and out of the pic since the divorce. We’re jsl barely back on speaking terms. I don’t like the idea of them doing the party?!😖😡 christine58 in the early part of therapy that was one of the the early steps helping me to have the convoys in my head or out loud to her. I’m not there yet. He also described it it like a tree. The tree doesn’t change no matter how we feel about it, but we react if it it gets chopped down. |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jan 12, 2018 19:19:44 GMT
Good luck. I hope it goes well. Can’t say I envy you. I do hope it goes well.
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Post by jemmls4 on Jan 12, 2018 19:34:00 GMT
Azredhead- almost the same exact thing happened to me this spring. Mom drama leading to having her put in nursing home. She passed away 2 months later. We were OK the few weeks before she passed, but she was a hard person to deal with and so much drama after she initially was ill at end of 2016. Theee weeks after she passed, I had to put my dog to sleep. I was, and still am, more upset about his passing.
It’s OK to feel however you are feeling. There is no right or wrong. You will hopefully be able to forgive yourself for the argument or at least come to terms with it, but it’ll happen when you’re ready. Just know that you are not alone.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2018 19:50:28 GMT
Azredhead- almost the same exact thing happened to me this spring. Mom drama leading to having her put in nursing home. She passed away 2 months later. We were OK the few weeks before she passed, but she was a hard person to deal with and so much drama after she initially was ill at end of 2016. Theee weeks after she passed, I had to put my dog to sleep. I was, and still am, more upset about his passing. It’s OK to feel however you are feeling. There is no right or wrong. You will hopefully be able to forgive yourself for the argument or at least come to terms with it, but it’ll happen when you’re ready. Just know that you are not alone. HUGS!! I know it just SUCKS! The one person as I mentioned I feel the most is my step dad. They are mad at him and they should be mad at themselves? I know feelings get mixed up when it doesn't end the way we expect right?! And why are dogs so damn hard? Pets just are hard to let go. Pia gets depressed sometimes so we'll take her for a ride to perk her up, she's never been a lone till now. |
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scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,891
Location: Northern Virginia
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Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Jan 12, 2018 23:00:33 GMT
(((Hugs!))) I'm sorry you're going through this. Lots of good and apt words from the peas on this subject from those that have BTDT. I will add the words a dear friend of mine shared with me when the pain of losing my mom (15 year ago) was new and raw and awful. My friend was talking about how the stages of grief don't progress in anything at all like a straight line (much like jenjie's drawing depicts), and said that every day she "pokes her grief with a stick to find out what color it is today". Then she could figure out how to react to it at that time - sometimes it meant leaving it alone for a while; other times she knew she could delve a little deeper into it, or whatever felt right based on the "probing". It sort of gave her permission to react/feel what she could deal with at the time. (If that makes sense?) Those words somehow really hit home with me and were just what I needed to hear at the time to let me know that the grief struggle was going to be different and unpredictable and often sucky, but it was OK to leave it alone sometimes if I touched it and it hurt too much. ANyway, be gentle with yourself, and take on only what you can handle for the time being. ((More hugs!)) |
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Post by alexa11 on Jan 14, 2018 2:22:26 GMT
azredhead I hope you're feeling better today. jenjie's diagram explains grief perfectly for me- it just depends on the day and what memories are triggered.
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Post by papersilly on Jan 14, 2018 2:43:42 GMT
My anger phase over my mom's death was over what could have been or should have been. Anger at the possibility that was never realized. But that anger quickly turned to sadness and then it ended at wistfulness. I'm okay with wistful thinking over feeling angry.
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The anger phase goes away.. what goes next? I'm afraid? I feel for anyone that's lost someone close. I know a lot of peas lost parents after my mom. My heart goes out to all of you!! I keep telling myself - 'a day at a time' like they taught me in therapy. Good days and bad days.
