breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,792
Jul 20, 2014 21:57:23 GMT
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Post by breetheflea on Jan 15, 2018 21:23:37 GMT
... are about to make me lose my mind.
13 year old is mean (to everyone) and is crabby all the time. 11 year old is super overdramatic and tattles.
They constantly go into each others rooms and take things, then fight over it. Today it was a tape. Previously this weekend it was library books, pants, t-shirts, styluses, Lego parts... you name it they have fought over it this past weekend.
If I could leave them home and take my two boys out without worrying about coming home and hearing them fighting from yard (I'm sure the neighbors love us...) I would seriously consider leaving the house for the rest of the day.
Any tips from any veteran owner's of preteen/teenage girls?
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,493
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jan 15, 2018 22:27:18 GMT
Ohhhh wow. I have no advice, but I will say I feel your pain! 12 and 14 yo in my house.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,812
Jun 26, 2014 12:56:40 GMT
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Post by CeeScraps on Jan 15, 2018 22:39:33 GMT
Tell them that when they argue you are taking away tech! Take it all away.....all.......they will stop.......
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,260
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Jan 15, 2018 22:42:32 GMT
I have an only child. Sorry...doesnt sound fun.
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Post by krazykatlady on Jan 15, 2018 22:48:47 GMT
Well I’d start with anyone who enters another’s room without permission is immediately punished.
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 15, 2018 22:49:50 GMT
Mine were awful to each other up until the end of fourth and sixth grade. Then the baby got bigger than the older brother and everything calmed down after one altercation (day that will live in infamy around here). Now they are the absolute best of friends. Sometimes when kids fight, you should walk out and let them. Sorry that is my only experience. I've been living the dream since that day!
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Jan 15, 2018 22:54:51 GMT
Disclaimer: I am not a Parent.
I would go into each of their rooms, and remove everything that is not personally theirs. Then forbid, each of them from entering the others premises.
I would also remove anything fun or unnecessary (phone, computer, toys, electronics, makeup,etc..). They can earn it back with good behavior. Any meaness(towards anyone), whining, fighting with each other, bad attitude, tattling...would result in an immediate "go to your room, now". I would do hour increments. If they start up again, move to two hour increments.
If they have a complaint, want to tattle, etc... about anyone in the household, they will have to submit it, in writing, to the Management (Parents). If it has spelling mistakes, lacking punctuation, etc....mark it in red and send it back for correction and re-submission. I have a friend who uses this practice. She immediately says "please submit all complaints, tattling, etc...in writing", then send the offender to their room for an hour. I was over there visiting, and the bickering started...she quietly and swiftly issued the "go to your room, one hour, now. If they argued back, she said two hours". She said it makes a world of difference in their household harmony.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jan 15, 2018 23:02:31 GMT
Well I’d start with anyone who enters another’s room without permission is immediately punished. I agree. Taking someone's things without permission would be severely punished. That's just common courtesy and they need to learn to treat each other with common courtesy period.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 14:55:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2018 23:16:08 GMT
... are about to make me lose my mind. 13 year old is mean (to everyone) and is crabby all the time. 11 year old is super overdramatic and tattles. They constantly go into each others rooms and take things, then fight over it. Today it was a tape. Previously this weekend it was library books, pants, t-shirts, styluses, Lego parts... you name it they have fought over it this past weekend. If I could leave them home and take my two boys out without worrying about coming home and hearing them fighting from yard (I'm sure the neighbors love us...) I would seriously consider leaving the house for the rest of the day. Any tips from any veteran owner's of preteen/teenage girls? Both get a thorough room cleaning by mom. All that is left is furniture, bedding and exactly one weeks worth of clothing. Everything else must be earned back and must have a designated owner.... nothing that is community property (shared). If it is an item you want to be shared it is owned by you and it is forbidden to go into anyone's bedroom for any reason. YOur items are used in community rooms such as the living room or kitchen. No exceptions. No one enters the sibling's room for any reason. Entry to the wrong room earns the trespasser punishment- No discussion about why. Tattling earns punishment. Being crabby earns punishment. Make their lives miserable. Right now they are gaining something by being crabby and tattling. Usually they are gaining parental attention. Once that stops the tattling and crabbiness will stop too. eta: I found when every single thing in our house had a designated owner it stopped a lot of fighting. The simple question of who does it belong to ended a lot of arguments. The owner had absolute rights over his/her belongings. Anything I wanted to be "shared" was owned by me and I had final say over who could use it and for how long.
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Post by Merge on Jan 15, 2018 23:21:45 GMT
No way I'd put up with that nonsense. I'd probably do something like what Volt suggested.
-Mom of 14 and 16 year old girls.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 16, 2018 0:20:35 GMT
When you say that the 13 year old is mean to everyone just how bad is it? Was this a sudden change in behavior? Are you concerned about an underlying problem? If not, then nothing works as well as good old fashioned discipline. Set the ground rules during a talk that you have when they're not actively fighting. Then tell them your expectations. At that point, let them know the consequences of their actions. Make it sting, mom. You want them to change a behavior and this is a big one to change. Going into brother's room is a mandatory no electronics for the rest of that day/night and you will be in your room for 2 hours, anyway. Tattling, is a mandatory 1 hour time-out. Yelling at eachother is one hour per kid in his individual room and no electronics for that day. physical fighting is a mandatory night in your room w/o any electronics. Make it hurt. They'll soon change when you don't back down. That's most important. Say what you mean and mean it! My ds's are 22 months apart and as adults their conversations are pleasant and happy, but it took a long time to get here.
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Post by leannec on Jan 16, 2018 0:32:51 GMT
I have a 18 year old and a 14 year old dd ... they do not go into each others rooms for any reason but they do fight over the smallest thing ... 18 year old will be living with us for a number of years as she attends the local university ... sometimes it is hormone hell here The only thing that works for oldest dd is to threaten to take away her car ... for dd#2 (who rarely acts up) it would be taking away her phone ... you have to determine their currency Hang in there mum
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Post by Amelia Bedelia on Jan 16, 2018 1:58:45 GMT
I had a relationship like that with my sister. The only thing that helped was moving away. My parents took a hands off approach to helping us solve problems and then punished us when we would fight. My sister would come into my room all the time, or knock on my door, or even stand outside my door and listen. I didn’t feel like I had any escape or down time. I’m very introverted, and felt like I was always on. I don’t think it caused my depression but it certainly fed it, knowing I wouldn’t be supported at home. It made me angry and sullen, in addition to normal teen angst and hormone issues. Then I’d get in more trouble because I was grouchy and my sister was cute, perky and more likeable, even if she tattled. When I was old enough, especially after I started driving, I tried to work or be in clubs or team practices as much as possible to get away from the dynamic.
So I don’t know what the solution is, but things that would’ve made me feel more supported include making sure I had privacy, understanding that anger was a sign of depression and not just being a jerk, and helping my sister and me work together to achieve a common goal instead of setting us up for failure. Coming down hard like taking away my possessions or further intruding into my bedroom would’ve definitely pushed me away more.
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Post by Woobster on Jan 16, 2018 2:28:15 GMT
My parents took everything that my brother and I fought over. We had to do chores until we earned it back. The more expensive the item... the ore chores we had to do to get it back.
Being mean also had consequences.
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Jan 16, 2018 3:40:13 GMT
Disclaimer: I am not a Parent. I would go into each of their rooms, and remove everything that is not personally theirs. Then forbid, each of them from entering the others premises. I would also remove anything fun or unnecessary (phone, computer, toys, electronics, makeup,etc..). They can earn it back with good behavior. Any meaness(towards anyone), whining, fighting with each other, bad attitude, tattling...would result in an immediate "go to your room, now". I would do hour increments. If they start up again, move to two hour increments. If they have a complaint, want to tattle, etc... about anyone in the household, they will have to submit it, in writing, to the Management (Parents). If it has spelling mistakes, lacking punctuation, etc....mark it in red and send it back for correction and re-submission. I have a friend who uses this practice. She immediately says "please submit all complaints, tattling, etc...in writing", then send the offender to their room for an hour. I was over there visiting, and the bickering started...she quietly and swiftly issued the "go to your room, one hour, now. If they argued back, she said two hours". She said it makes a world of difference in their household harmony. I am not a parent either. I am an attorney who was asked by friends who are (were, this was a while ago) parents of teenagers for a "legal" approach to fighting, because the litany between the siblings was heavily based on the "it's not fair" whine. This pea is onto something. Zero base everything. Circumscribe their territories, if possible, and emphasize earning privileges versus the entitlement which is a hallmark of kids this age.
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Post by nlwilkins on Jan 16, 2018 4:12:48 GMT
When my girls were that age if they fought over something, sometimes that something became mine no matter who it was purchased for. We did not have a lot of "stuff" so what little they had was important to them. The tattler always got equal punishment of what she was tattling on. So if one tattled on the other whatever discipline was enacted involved both of them. I wanted them to learn to share and to help each other out, not try to get each other in trouble or keep possessions to themselves. If you did not have a good reason for not letting sister use your item and was causing a commotion over it, then you were in the wrong as well. The two were encouraged to work things out and not bring it up the chain of command to the parents.
Basically, they learned to work things out though it took work and a lot of help from me to learn how. But no one said being a parent is easy.
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Post by mikklynn on Jan 16, 2018 14:46:42 GMT
I feel for you. I had a boy/girl that could not get along. I'm sad to say they are in their 30s and still don't like each other.
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Post by grammadee on Jan 16, 2018 15:05:27 GMT
A couple of thoughts...
Are they each seeking attention in their own way? My brother and I fought all the time when my dad was around, but we're inseparable when we were away from home.
Are they fighting over stuff? Or right to privacy? Are locks on their doors an option?
is there a conflict resolution system that might work going forward? An old negotiator's trick is " tell me what you WANT, not what you DON'T WANT. Maybe have them each make a list of solutions to the problem, then sit down with them both to hash out the situation. No accusations or name calling allowed. "I" messages.
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Post by mandolyn9909 on Jan 16, 2018 15:11:33 GMT
I had a relationship like that with my sister. The only thing that helped was moving away. My parents took a hands off approach to helping us solve problems and then punished us when we would fight. My sister would come into my room all the time, or knock on my door, or even stand outside my door and listen. I didn’t feel like I had any escape or down time. I’m very introverted, and felt like I was always on. I don’t think it caused my depression but it certainly fed it, knowing I wouldn’t be supported at home. It made me angry and sullen, in addition to normal teen angst and hormone issues. Then I’d get in more trouble because I was grouchy and my sister was cute, perky and more likeable, even if she tattled. When I was old enough, especially after I started driving, I tried to work or be in clubs or team practices as much as possible to get away from the dynamic. So I don’t know what the solution is, but things that would’ve made me feel more supported include making sure I had privacy, understanding that anger was a sign of depression and not just being a jerk, and helping my sister and me work together to achieve a common goal instead of setting us up for failure. Coming down hard like taking away my possessions or further intruding into my bedroom would’ve definitely pushed me away more. Thank you for this post. I have 13yr old b/g twins and I feel like you are describing my daughter to a T! I reread your post three times so that it will sink in. I don't feel like we leave them to hash it out but maybe we should be intervening sooner and trying to come up with better solutions. We don't let the kids go into each others rooms at all without their permission.
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Post by Amelia Bedelia on Jan 16, 2018 19:25:12 GMT
I had a relationship like that with my sister. The only thing that helped was moving away. My parents took a hands off approach to helping us solve problems and then punished us when we would fight. My sister would come into my room all the time, or knock on my door, or even stand outside my door and listen. I didn’t feel like I had any escape or down time. I’m very introverted, and felt like I was always on. I don’t think it caused my depression but it certainly fed it, knowing I wouldn’t be supported at home. It made me angry and sullen, in addition to normal teen angst and hormone issues. Then I’d get in more trouble because I was grouchy and my sister was cute, perky and more likeable, even if she tattled. When I was old enough, especially after I started driving, I tried to work or be in clubs or team practices as much as possible to get away from the dynamic. So I don’t know what the solution is, but things that would’ve made me feel more supported include making sure I had privacy, understanding that anger was a sign of depression and not just being a jerk, and helping my sister and me work together to achieve a common goal instead of setting us up for failure. Coming down hard like taking away my possessions or further intruding into my bedroom would’ve definitely pushed me away more. Thank you for this post. I have 13yr old b/g twins and I feel like you are describing my daughter to a T! I reread your post three times so that it will sink in. I don't feel like we leave them to hash it out but maybe we should be intervening sooner and trying to come up with better solutions. We don't let the kids go into each others rooms at all without their permission. Happy to help. I just want to clarify something. I’m not sure I worded it well last night. I think my parents could have done more to prevent the arguments in the first place. I think that’s important. Having us work together during peaceful moments and rewarding that behavior would’ve gone a long way. We were pretty dysfunctional though, and my mom still tries to pit my sister and me against each other, so I’m sure you’re already a million times ahead of her game. Good luck and maybe do a teen depression screening at her next checkup if you really think you see my post in her. Depression/anxiety doesn’t always present the way you might expect in children. Often it comes out as anger.
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