cakediva
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Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,365
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Sept 8, 2014 14:48:25 GMT
There. I said it.
I detest change.
For the last 20 years, my family has done our Christmas celebrations on Boxing Day (day after Christmas here in Canada - statutory holiday and all that). After Dad passed away, still every Boxing Day. And after Mom remarried, still Boxing Day - sometimes his family (kids/spouses etc) would join us, sometimes not.
And this year? Just got an email that it will now be December 20th, because that is the only day the condo party room is available, and we'll have more room that way.
I know I should be grateful we are still getting together as a family. But I feel like slowly, bit by bit, MY family traditions keep changing because Mom got remarried. We like her new husband, and his family is awesome. He is so good to her, and she's happy. But it just feels like all our traditions are being changed to suit him and his family.
On top of that - it is my last day for Christmas cookie orders - it is always my busiest order week, so I'll be coming of an insane week of baking. I usually crash that day - I'll not be in much mood to be social. And yes, I'm a last minute shopper because of the cookies all December long - so I won't have done my shopping by then.
I hate change. I'll go, and I'll enjoy being with my family. But I still don't like it.
And yes, I know I'm sounding like an entitled, spoiled brat who isn't getting her own way.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Sept 8, 2014 14:52:55 GMT
Sorry. People who have never worked holiday retail do not get it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 11:40:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2014 14:54:05 GMT
Is this gathering for your whole, extended family? Could you plan a family Christmas with your mom on Boxing Day like you usually do?
I would not happily accept a change like that, either. I don't like celebrating Christmas on any days other than 24-26th. I know a holiday is more than a date, but it doesn't feel like Christmas if it isn't actually *Christmas*.
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Post by vicloo on Sept 8, 2014 14:58:03 GMT
Was there any group discussion prior to the change? I would be upset also to have this new change sprung on me!
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MerryMom
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Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Sept 8, 2014 14:58:21 GMT
People and traditions change and at times, that is the way things go. Whether through divorce, death, marriage, remarriage, aging parents, siblings moving away, working with kids' visitation schedule, lack of space in someone's home due to number of people, change of job, etc.
It doesn't appear that this is related to your mom's remarriage as your family continued to celebrate it on 12/26. It appears that this is more of the availability of the room versus "But it just feels like all our traditions are being changed to suit him and his family.".
BTW, I've worked retail, and in my job (child welfare), we are open 24/7, so I even work on the holidays, taking on-call and going out on emergency cases.
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quiltz
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Posts: 6,656
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Sept 8, 2014 15:01:59 GMT
I don't like change either, however, since the others in my family have more family extended family members to "negotiate with", I am the one with little to no say about stuff.
I do hear you about the cookie orders and being exhausted. Is there anyway that you could host the party on Dec. 26 at your place? Are there going to be "that many" extra people or is the date/place due to the fact of the party room being available and a more central location? Can you make it just your mom & her dh and your side of the family on the 26th?
Is it possible to move the party to the 27th, a Saturday. Hugs.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 11:40:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2014 15:02:31 GMT
I'm sure his kids also feel like they are losing some traditions because dad got married. Reality is they feel the need to use the party room instead of their living room.
It is still early. Maybe talk to mom about your work issues and see if they can still go for a date after Christmas even if it is later than baxing day... although his kids may have conflicts much like you are having with thier work
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Sept 8, 2014 15:05:46 GMT
I totally get it. This year all my Christmas traditionals are changing. Most days I'm good with it. Other days, not so much. I think you have a very valid reason to be annoyed. I would be. Would there be any chance of hosting at your place on Boxing Day? I know, I know. It's a week after your cookie orders and all of that insanity, but it could help maintain the tradition. When my Memere became unable to host our traditional Christmas Eve, we started rotating through her children's houses (one year at my parents, next at my uncle's, etc.). I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud but it might solve the issue.
But I get it. I truly do. My Christmas Eve will be a whole new experience for me this year instead of the comfortable Christmas Eve that I am used to. It terrifies me at times, but with change it might be a good thing. I don't know. I'm just trying to rock with it right now.
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 8, 2014 15:07:21 GMT
I'm sorry. I know it's hard.
But, I bet things would still have changed even with your dear dad still here. Families grow, people move, things change. Hugs.
I know it's not a good date for you, but at least there is a plan. My in-laws change the plan at will, with no regard to anyone else's schedule.
I like the idea of doing something with your mom on Boxing Day.
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,365
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Sept 8, 2014 15:27:37 GMT
Is this gathering for your whole, extended family? Could you plan a family Christmas with your mom on Boxing Day like you usually do? I would not happily accept a change like that, either. I don't like celebrating Christmas on any days other than 24-26th. I know a holiday is more than a date, but it doesn't feel like Christmas if it isn't actually *Christmas*. Before Mom remarried - it was always just my brother & his wife/kids and DH & I and the kids. No cousins aunts uncles, just immediate family. Mom decided when we got engaged that she would always do Boxing Day so we could spend Christmas day with our inlaw families. When she remarried, it stayed the same way. Sometimes his kids/spouses joined in (depending on if they were with their own inlaw families or not), sometimes his sister & her husband came as well. I emailed to say "no boxing day?" and got back - "correct, thought we needed a change, and this is it" I do brunch on Christmas morning for my family & DH's family, and Mom has always come to that. It isn't so much that it is a change, but more that SHE decided we needed a change, and didn't bother to ask if we all thought moving the date was good.
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Post by Basket1lady on Sept 8, 2014 15:29:44 GMT
I feel your angst. My Christmas tradition is changing this year, too. It's been the same plan for over 60 years. My father has never remembered anything else and neither have I. But Grandma died last month and the house will be sold by Christmas. For over 60 years, all the children were there for Christmas Eve. Then spouses were added, then grandchildren, then great-grandchildren. I only missed the two years we lived overseas and my kids were little. They don't remember celebrating Christmas any other way.
Everyone says that we will do it anyway, just at another house. But it won't be the same. And some won't come. I know it's a normal part of life, but it sucks. Hugs, to you.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Sept 8, 2014 15:31:43 GMT
I can understand your frustration. We may be experiencing that coming up too probably more for Easter though. BIL is in a new relationship so we will see what happens with that. Normally DH's side is Christmas Eve as that's MIL's birthday so I hope it stays that way. I would try to do something with whoever can make it on Boxing Day. Putting it at the end of your cookie orders is just too much all at once.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 11:40:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2014 15:37:47 GMT
It would be upsetting to have a family celebration changed like that, based just on your mom's whim.
I still think you should arrange a Boxing Day get-together so you can maintain that feeling of tradition.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Sept 8, 2014 15:42:22 GMT
I feel your angst. My Christmas tradition is changing this year, too. It's been the same plan for over 60 years. My father has never remembered anything else and neither have I. But Grandma died last month and the house will be sold by Christmas. For over 60 years, all the children were there for Christmas Eve. Then spouses were added, then grandchildren, then great-grandchildren. I only missed the two years we lived overseas and my kids were little. They don't remember celebrating Christmas any other way. Everyone says that we will do it anyway, just at another house. But it won't be the same. And some won't come. I know it's a normal part of life, but it sucks. Hugs, to you. I thought the same thing the first year we moved our family celebration to my parent's house. Was it different? Yes. Was it the same? Yes. Did we all have a good time? Absolutely. The changes that I dreaded that year didn't completely come to fruition. The menu didn't change, the people didn't change, just the venue. We still did all of our Christmas eve festivities and it became the new tradition to move venues. But I totally understand that change. And wanting to resist it. Ya. See. That's not cool. I'm sorry. That really sucks.
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Post by candleangie on Sept 8, 2014 15:54:40 GMT
What are you waiting for? Start your shopping now, since you know December will be crazy. It's way more fun to shop when you have lots if time...
I'm sorry your holiday got scrambled up. That's no fun. :-(
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Post by peasful1 on Sept 8, 2014 15:54:38 GMT
She's the host. Perhaps she feels like she's hosted this thing for years and years, made all of the preparations, cleaned before and after, and maybe now, she's done. And that's ok. Moving it offsite to another room, means she doesn't have to spend her Christmas and Boxing Day cleaning house and doing all that fun stuff that means hosting. You may see it as a whim, but I see it as someone who is ok with setting her own limits. Power to her. I suppose if you want to do Boxing Day the traditional way, you can host. Some people are extraordinarily sentimental and part of the romance of the entire tradition is that it's being done the exact way it's always been done. For others, as long as the people who matter are there, the actual day and making sure everything is exactly the same isn't what matters.
For us, life is too fluid for us to get stuck on specific traditions dependent on location or a specific activity. Our traditions tend to centre around who, not what or where.
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Post by mtscrapper on Sept 8, 2014 16:14:50 GMT
People and traditions change and at times, that is the way things go. Whether through divorce, death, marriage, remarriage, aging parents, siblings moving away, working with kids' visitation schedule, lack of space in someone's home due to number of people, change of job, etc. I don't like it either, but it happens. This year for Thanksgiving, we will likely be having a quiet, small Thanksgiving at home (no other family except immediate). I don't want to be the sole provider of ALL the food. I don't want to be doing everything on my day off - and lets face it, there won't be much help - They will try to help, no doubt, but my family just doesn't get what actual help is yet. I actually like visiting with family during this time (my husband just wants to be home to do what he wants to do, so he is more than happy to stay home), and it sucks that I may have to be doing this for the rest of my life now. It just won't feel the same anymore. Also, my 23-year-old (will be 24 then) daughter is already talking about going to Arizona for Christmas with her boyfriend. My son was gone the last 2 years and I thought this would be the year we would finally all be together. Who knows if we will ever be together again on Christmas. I agree with you - I detest change!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 11:40:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2014 16:34:12 GMT
I don't understand the hatred of change. When you hate it so much you will be continually disappointed. Life is fluid. It cannot stay the same forever. It just can't. Learn to embrace change and it won't be so hard. You are making it harder on yourself by hating it so much.
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Post by rumplesnat on Sept 8, 2014 16:34:15 GMT
You have 110% validation from me. I'm not a fan of change and Christmas tradition routine changes put me over the edge.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Sept 8, 2014 17:18:08 GMT
You've never read 'Who Moved My Cheese' have you?
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,374
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Sept 8, 2014 17:50:19 GMT
Is this gathering for your whole, extended family? Could you plan a family Christmas with your mom on Boxing Day like you usually do? I would not happily accept a change like that, either. I don't like celebrating Christmas on any days other than 24-26th. I know a holiday is more than a date, but it doesn't feel like Christmas if it isn't actually *Christmas*. Before Mom remarried - it was always just my brother & his wife/kids and DH & I and the kids. No cousins aunts uncles, just immediate family. Mom decided when we got engaged that she would always do Boxing Day so we could spend Christmas day with our inlaw families. When she remarried, it stayed the same way. Sometimes his kids/spouses joined in (depending on if they were with their own inlaw families or not), sometimes his sister & her husband came as well. I emailed to say "no boxing day?" and got back - "correct, thought we needed a change, and this is it" I do brunch on Christmas morning for my family & DH's family, and Mom has always come to that. It isn't so much that it is a change, but more that SHE decided we needed a change, and didn't bother to ask if we all thought moving the date was good. I think you have every right to be annoyed. I would tell your mom that no, you don't need a change thanks very much. And I'd offer to host if need be to keep the proper date. It's just not right to celebrate Christmas that early!
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knotlazy
Full Member
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Jun 26, 2014 18:00:51 GMT
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Post by knotlazy on Sept 8, 2014 18:14:05 GMT
In the past 3 years, both my children married and my daughter finished college & is now a NICU nurse...works nights, weekends & most holidays. I cried a little when I realized that our Christmas will never be the Christmas we had when our kids were growing up. My sweet DS and his DW chose to spend Christmas Eve apart in their own parents home the year before they got married knowing it would be the last time. But I knew things would change. My parents, however, are having the hardest time accepting it as they are divorced, only children and have no other family but us & our kids. They act like they will spend Christmas Eve and Day in mourning if our kids can't come over ON THAT DAY! I told my kids that I'd rather have a whole day to enjoy with them than a rushed hour on Christmas Day.
I do understand your unhappiness, OP. I hope it gets resolved for you.
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cakediva
Drama Llama
Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,365
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Sept 8, 2014 18:24:35 GMT
It would be upsetting to have a family celebration changed like that, based just on your mom's whim. I still think you should arrange a Boxing Day get-together so you can maintain that feeling of tradition. It is what it is. And I know DH will be fine with it, and we can just chill on Boxing Day instead of having to drive to Toronto. It will be fine. I'm just pouting because it doesn't work with my schedule, and she put this out there without checking with anybody first.
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cakediva
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Making the world a sweeter place one cake at a time!
Posts: 7,365
Location: Fergus, Ontario
Jun 26, 2014 11:53:40 GMT
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Post by cakediva on Sept 8, 2014 18:28:19 GMT
She's the host. Perhaps she feels like she's hosted this thing for years and years, made all of the preparations, cleaned before and after, and maybe now, she's done. And that's ok. Moving it offsite to another room, means she doesn't have to spend her Christmas and Boxing Day cleaning house and doing all that fun stuff that means hosting. You may see it as a whim, but I see it as someone who is ok with setting her own limits. Power to her. I suppose if you want to do Boxing Day the traditional way, you can host. Some people are extraordinarily sentimental and part of the romance of the entire tradition is that it's being done the exact way it's always been done. For others, as long as the people who matter are there, the actual day and making sure everything is exactly the same isn't what matters. For us, life is too fluid for us to get stuck on specific traditions dependent on location or a specific activity. Our traditions tend to centre around who, not what or where. Well, considering she has a cleaning lady, and last year they catered the dinner, and for the last 4 years (since she was married) it was still Boxing Day, in their condo (which is 1800 sq ft) this does seem like a whim. And this is really the only holiday that we are traditional with. She goes to Florida for the winters now, so they are often not here for Easter. We're fine with that. And Thanksgiving is ifsy-butsy as well. Like I said - I know I'm being a spoiled brat and whining. I'll put up and shut up, because making a fuss will only make me look like the giant bitch. But consulting us before changing the plans would have been nice.
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Post by Lexica on Sept 8, 2014 18:43:36 GMT
Being divorced when my son was an infant, and having to split up the holidays so that we each got to experience them with our son taught me to let go of things like that. And my family ended up loving the change that was required to accommodate my son for family Christmas. Prior to any of us having children, we always went to my parent's house for Christmas on Christmas Day. We'd start arriving as early as 6:00 am, knowing full well that my folks were up, the tree was lit, music was on, and Dad had his special breakfast buffet underway. Oddly enough, both my sisters and I had no in-laws that were around to go see. It was just my parents.
Once I divorced and would have my son at noon on Christmas Day, or until noon on Christmas Day, I asked the family if we could each remain in our own homes on the actual day of Christmas and get together as a family either the day before Christmas or the day after, so we could all enjoy a full day of family and my son could be included. My siblings loved it because that freed them up to have their own Christmas traditions in their own homes. My folks always came to my house on Christmas Day to celebrate with my son and I, since he was an only child. (although I did have a neighbor boy from an abusive home come join us for about 5 Christmases. He spent so much time at my house all year long that he was almost like an older brother to my son. My son adored him and we just included him and adapted) My parents lived about 10 minutes from my house and my siblings were each 2 hours in either direction, so it was convenient for them to just come to my house.
In your situation though, it looks like your mom changed the date on a whim, not taking into consideration your business. Sure, you can get your shopping done early now that you know there has been a change, but I can imagine how exhausted you will be after that busy cookie rush. Can you explain that to her? Even giving you one more day to rest would be helpful. It is still early, so maybe you can work with her to find a date and venue that will hold everyone and be a reasonable compromise. Do you think she would be agreeable to that?
I really like that I have learned to adapt to whatever changes in holiday dates came my way. It helped me to face the way things are now in my family. Now that my father is gone and my younger sister and I no longer have any contact with the older sister, we still get together for a family Christmas with our children and my mom when she is with me or my little sister. But every third Christmas she has to spend with the oldest sister and it is really hard to not get to see her at all. It is bad enough not having my father with us any longer, since he was the center of all things Christmas in my home, but not getting to see my mother until February or March is horrible. This year it is my 'turn' to have my mom with me for Christmas and I've invited my sister and her family to my home. Her son may not be able to come because he is on call on Christmas Day, so I'm more than willing to have Christmas Day be just Mom and I, and make the big family gathering on a day that suits my nephew. Especially since he has a baby now and I haven't seen more than a video of him. Compromise. It is really a great thing to learn to embrace. Not easy, but worth it on your stress level.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Sept 8, 2014 19:05:56 GMT
People and traditions change and at times, that is the way things go. Whether through divorce, death, marriage, remarriage, aging parents, siblings moving away, working with kids' visitation schedule, lack of space in someone's home due to number of people, change of job, etc. It doesn't appear that this is related to your mom's remarriage as your family continued to celebrate it on 12/26. It appears that this is more of the availability of the room versus "But it just feels like all our traditions are being changed to suit him and his family.". I agree with MerryMom but I also understand. Change is hard whether it's good or bad it's still hard. You never know, maybe you'll even end up liking it earlier and having Boxing Day for just your family. Instead of looking at it as a bad thing, try looking at it as an opportunity to start some of your own traditions.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Sept 8, 2014 19:16:11 GMT
It would be upsetting to have a family celebration changed like that, based just on your mom's whim. I still think you should arrange a Boxing Day get-together so you can maintain that feeling of tradition. It is what it is. And I know DH will be fine with it, and we can just chill on Boxing Day instead of having to drive to Toronto. It will be fine. I'm just pouting because it doesn't work with my schedule, and she put this out there without checking with anybody first. I entertain people in my home quite often and that's the beauty of it. I get to name the date and time without "checking" with anyone because I'm the host. If you don't want to step up and host it on Boxing Day yourself then you don't get a say. (said in my sweetest, kindest voice, I just have a different opinion and hope you don't think I'm just being a snot)
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oldcrow
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Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Sept 8, 2014 19:20:56 GMT
We did the same thing on the same day. It was great but then my parents downsized and it's a pretty big family so their new little house was very crowded. My mother loved it all so it continued but then her health got to be not so good and the commotion was too much. She held on for a few more years but then finally had to give it up.
Since we are a spread out type of family one of my sisters who lived in the same city took over. It wasn't the same and few years later that ended. I would go to see my parents before Christmas and do the event on a small scale.
Now both of my parents are gone and I have to say that I would now go anywhere to have Christmas with them again.
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Post by MichyM on Sept 8, 2014 19:25:32 GMT
I am sorry :/ My suggestion would be to go with it. I think after a few days of getting used to the idea your feelings may change. Also, I'd suggest you move you last day of cookie orders up one day. In the grand scheme of things I don't think it'll make much difference (if any), will relieve a little pressure for you, and you've got PLENTY of notice to do so. I hope you all have a lovely time together!
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Sept 8, 2014 19:25:31 GMT
I entertain people in my home quite often and that's the beauty of it. I get to name the date and time without "checking" with anyone because I'm the host. If you don't want to step up and host it on Boxing Day yourself then you don't get a say. (said in my sweetest, kindest voice, I just have a different opinion and hope you don't think I'm just being a snot) You know, in a way I agree with you but in another way I don't. Yes, as the host you can call the shots. But when it comes to family events I don't think it's that simple. This happened this summer. There was a family birthday party that took place over a weekend (out at the host's lake house) and the date that the host arbitrarily picked was a month earlier than when this family birthday event normally takes place (mid-July versus mid-August). This threw everyone's plans into turmoil because it was a change from the usual event time, including one of the people being celebrated, and because the event was long-standing the time frame was already blocked off on most calendars. To arbitrary change the date meant that people had to scramble to change their schedules to attend. There were a lot of hard feelings towards the hosts because they didn't take the whole picture into consideration when moving a major family event without any consideration. Sure, they have the right to make the decision on when they host any kind of event... BUT considering that the event they rescheduled to a completely different time is something that affected the whole family and a little consideration goes a long way when it comes to long standing traditional family events that occur year after year. So yes, you absolutely have the right to dictate when you host an event in your house. I wouldn't disagree with that. However, when it's a long-standing event involving a lot of people and a given time frame (ie: always on Boxing Day), there is more at play than just your hosting preferences.
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