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Post by gar on Apr 19, 2018 12:52:22 GMT
No not at all. I just am hoping to have a heart attack or a stroke. I’m not sure how to respond- that sounds flippant but obviously wishing yourself dead is nothing to be flippant about...by if you are wishing you were dead, isn’t that being suicidal? I’m not meaning to be pedantic...
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 19, 2018 13:37:49 GMT
I am not going to slit my wrists. I just don't wish to live like this any longer/I just don't wish to live.
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Post by gar on Apr 19, 2018 13:50:45 GMT
🙁 . zella, my apologies for hijacking your thread.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 19, 2018 13:56:58 GMT
The treatment is not really working any longer I think. It’s morning and guess what? I woke up. Another day of another year waiting to die. It’s comforting to know I have a nice plot in a nice cemetery. It’s sad to think like this but nothing because there is nothing out there that will kill me other than time.
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
Jun 25, 2014 21:31:58 GMT
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Apr 19, 2018 14:00:16 GMT
When I fill out a questionnaire for every doctor visit. Along with "do you feel safe at home" it specifically asks "do you feel suicidal? Have you thought of ways to die? Do you wish you'd go to sleep and didn't wake up?"
So Ellanah since I can see the answer to all three is yes, I would say you are in a serious mental health crisis, and you need to be admitted. You are suicidal. This is not okay. You have a plan to die by 50. You have thought about methods. You wish you wouldn't wake up. You need help, now. Yesterday actually.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 19, 2018 14:10:34 GMT
You don’t have to worry because nothing is going to kill me successfully. I don’t have a plan that will work. I thought I did but it’s not going to now. I have to come up with something better. At the hospital they ask you if you have a plan. I laugh at them because like I would ever tell them it. That will guarantee failure!!! Nurses and doctors think mentally ill people want to share their secrets. Yeah I think not. Don’t worry. I will continue to live another day until I find a way to make it stop.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 18:52:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 14:15:40 GMT
You don’t have to worry because nothing is going to kill me successfully. I don’t have a plan that will work. I thought I did but it’s not going to now. I have to come up with something better. At the hospital they ask you if you have a plan. I laugh at them because like I would ever tell them it. That will guarantee failure!!! Nurses and doctors think mentally ill people want to share their secrets. Yeah I think not. Don’t worry. I will continue to live another day until I find a way to make it stop. Seriously you need to get help today, right now, this minute. Your thought processes are not normal (for want of a better word) and I'm deeply afraid for you.
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,298
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Apr 19, 2018 14:29:11 GMT
zella - How are you today? I've been thinking about you since I read your post last night. Delta Dawn - I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Both of you please call the suicide prevention now!
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,834
Location: NW PA
Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Apr 19, 2018 14:37:20 GMT
I’m a bit raw right now as my father is looking at a triple bypass tomorrow morning and we are all worried and scared. But I am going to speak my mind.
Elannah - your flip retorts about taking your life are a call for help. You are obviously having a bi-polar event and you need to see your doctor ASAP. Your comments do nothing to help Zella and come across as one-up-manship. Get some help. You have a supportive family and the financial ability to do what you need to get healthy. Take advantage of that and get off this message board and get yourself to the doctor. I say this with compassion but witha side of Compwalla.
Zella - My DD has mastocytosis so I understand your frustration. Have you looked into sending your records to specialists at Mayo or another hospital that is on the cutting edge of research into MCAS? You sound like a perfect candidate for some of the new protocols being used to help those suffering with this disease. I have some names of doctors you could contact if you are interested.
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Post by paperaddict on Apr 19, 2018 15:13:50 GMT
Elannah, please call the distress or crisis line or go to the ER or go see your GP NOW. I haven't been on this board long but your nonchalant and flippant attitude about wanting to die is very disturbing. You are a very sweet and supportive person, so please seek help. You are having suicidal thoughts and even if you don't have a "work-able" suicide plan right now, you do need help ASAP.
Zelda - I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. Please let your doctor know that you are suffering and thinking that you cannot handle it any longer. I think you do need support and counseling, like other peas have mentioned. Send big hugs and positive vibes that you will feel better soon.
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Post by christine58 on Apr 19, 2018 17:24:14 GMT
The treatment is not really working any longer I think. It’s morning and guess what? I woke up. Another day of another year waiting to die. It’s comforting to know I have a nice plot in a nice cemetery. It’s sad to think like this but nothing because there is nothing out there that will kill me other than time. You are suicidal and need some help..please get some zella sorry that you're also going through this. I wish we could help both of you but we cannot. Sorry to sound like an asshole but I watch many here with cancer, others in my life who are FIGHTING LIKE HELL to live. And Delta Dawn you just want to die...now...or tomorrow or the next day. GET SOME HELP.. I am sure I will get blasted by some here with this response but today was probably not the day for me to read these posts.....
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Apr 19, 2018 17:54:45 GMT
No not at all. I just am hoping to have a heart attack or a stroke. I get that. I understand what you are saying here. I think the same thing at times.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 19, 2018 17:57:54 GMT
No not at all. I just am hoping to have a heart attack or a stroke. I get that. I understand what you are saying here. I think the same thing at times. Can you please explain it to the others?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 18:52:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 18:07:28 GMT
Can you explain it, I'd like to understand. Maybe we can help if we understand.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Apr 19, 2018 18:08:59 GMT
Zella, I'm sorry you are suffering.
Elannah, you may not be actively suicidal, but I think you need a lot more help than we Peas are qualified to give. It seems that you have financial resources that will allow you access to help that might be out of reach for some. I encourage you to seek help.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Apr 19, 2018 18:19:51 GMT
I get that. I understand what you are saying here. I think the same thing at times. Can you please explain it to the others? Sure, although I will say that after reading the responses just after the one I quoted, I do worry about you too. Im not suicidal but I totally would not mind if I was diagnosed with some deadly disease or was in an accident that killed me. I don't actively seek out ways to kill myself, I do not have any type of plan. I just don't care if I die or not anymore and there are days where I wish if I am going to get something deadly that it would hurry up and start manifesting so I can say I have this...it will kill me..I have chosen not to accept treatment for it and let it take me. People are more understanding if you have a deadly disease and you die. They aren't understanding if you even HINT at the idea that you don't want to continue or that you don't have a purpose in life anymore. The responses on this thread alone back that up. Thats the best I can describe without going into my own reasons, which I can I guess, but doesn't seem like this is the thread to do that. You can feel like giving up and not be suicidal. You can want to go out via a medical or accident and not be suicidal. Its a different kind of exhaustion that is hard to describe to anyone without them wanting to lock you up in a mental facility
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Post by Delta Dawn on Apr 19, 2018 18:26:42 GMT
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Post by gar on Apr 19, 2018 18:34:19 GMT
But wouldn't that feeling be described as depression?
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Post by flanz on Apr 19, 2018 18:37:59 GMT
zella and Delta Dawn - I have nothing useful to suggest, and only hugs and an ear to offer. But know that we are all here for you to offload to when you need to. I can't imagine how ground down you must feel by all this. Me too! Huge hugs and much love being sent to both of you! I'm heartsick that you are both so depressed and dealing with extremely challenging circumstances. We ARE here for you! I think I know a just a wee bit of what you experience, on a lesser scale. I have many, many crappy days every month due to chronic conditions but I know my situation is not as bad as what you have both been enduring. I "lost" two years of my life after a mold exposure that wreaked havoc on my body and its systems. 20 healers, half Western docs, half acupuncturists, etc in 18 months. No one could fix me. I wanted to live and was terrified that my life would never get better. I read as much as I could from my sofa, through my migraines and nausea, until I found the beginning of the answer for me. It turned out that taking an amino acid, L-Tyrosine, is essential to my wellbeing and I found the answer in a $10 book recommended by people who had experienced similar issues online. Changing my diet was hugely helpful too. Avoiding all grains hugely decreased the inflammation in my body. I'm sharing in the hopes of offering you each hope that there is something or somethings out there that will improve your circumstances. Please keep looking. And as I type that I also remember how hard it was to always keep the hope... (((HUGS))) Sometimes I feel ... jealous isn't exactly the right word... that people who have their health do NOT UNDERSTAND how blessed they are! I sometimes wonder about what I could really accomplish in life if I wasn't plagued by sinus migraines and numerous sensitivities to foods, pollens and chemicals to the extent that I am. I am proud of both of you for being the amazing women that you are. I "know" you here as being full of love and humor and great advice. PLEASE do all that you can to improve your circumstances so that you want to live!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 18:52:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 18:51:45 GMT
But wouldn't that feeling be described as depression? It certainly sounds like it. I think I understand the desire for life to make the decision for you while you just passively let it.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Apr 19, 2018 19:05:47 GMT
I can't say anything other than I sympathize with you, zella , but I know I can't really 'understand' what your day to day life is like, or what it's like to feel so hopeless. I hope that you can get some information from the Facebook groups or a specialist, that can help you out. I also want to say that I believe we should not compare our experiences to anyone else's experiences- no one's is better, or worse, more or less worthy, whatever you want to say- just different. I do get that. And I understand how someone could feel like they're trying to describe without being actively suicidal. Every person wants to feel that their life has meaning of some sort, but it's up to that individual to make that determination, not some outsider's. I also want to say that the decision to get treatment or not is totally that individual's. We might believe WE would act differently if we were in any given situation, but it's not our life, so we really shouldn't be putting our spin on what any other individual should or shouldn't do or think about themselves and their life.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,548
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Apr 19, 2018 19:05:52 GMT
No not at all. I just am hoping to have a heart attack or a stroke. I’m sorry, but that is a dumb thing to say. My sister’s 46 year old husband is fighting for his life after a massive stroke two weeks ago. Trust me, you don’t want to have a stroke. It’s been hell—surgery to have part of of his skull removed, a whole host of horrible issues. I say this as gently as I can. If you are wishing this upon yourself, perhaps you should seek help.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Apr 19, 2018 19:07:01 GMT
But wouldn't that feeling be described as depression? I don't know. There really isn't any one thing to describe it. I have talked with my counselor about it. It can be a part of depression as is suicidal thoughts/actions. I have been diagnosed with functional depression, meaning I can do the main things like work/school, but other things like self care and daily activities are harder
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Apr 19, 2018 19:07:51 GMT
I'm guessing she means she wants to DIE via a massive stroke or heart attack, not have a stroke that would leave her incapacitated.
--and I'm sorry about your sister's husband.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 18:52:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 19:19:22 GMT
I was so ill yesterday. I've had to use IV fluids 3 days in a row; it's been a long time since I've done that. Woke up today really ill. I'm doing better right now, though still crappy. This chronic illness just won't let go. Every time I start to get hopeful because I've had a few good days, or even a week or so, it comes crashing back, kicks me in the face, and says: "Ha! Did you REALLY think I was done with you?" There's no cure. Treatment clearly isn't working that well. My rheumatologist wants me to start a new drug, but it's $409 a month, and I just don't think we can pay that. I've looked at the available discounts, and that is the best price I can get. I can't get the $10 a month deal from the manufacturer because it's being used with me for an off-label diagnosis. Even if that drug makes a difference, it will take a couple of months to know if it's working. I'm not exaggerating when I say that in the less than 3 months between my sister's brain cancer diagnosis and her death, she was healthier and happier than I am. She only had a few days of feeling really bad; I've had hundreds, and no end in sight. I wish it had been me, that I'd got sick and died real fast. Though I wouldn't wish what I go through on my sister, or anyone I even remotely care about. It's hell. I don't want to live like this and I can't get better. I have no control. Today I can't stop crying. I'm no longer in counseling, and I don't really want to go back. There's no coping skills that are going to make me want to live through bad flares. There's nothing anyone can say that will make this easier. I'm not that strong, I'm not a hero, and I just want to be done. I just need to talk, and I know you guys are here. This one should be for the Pain Peas!!! I'm SO sorry this is happening to you. I hope that there's a resolution because there's only so much we can take, no matter how strong we are. For over 44 years I was told that I was SO strong. Well, now I'm not. It's finally getting to me, so I understand where you're coming from. For the first time in my life, I experienced PTSD and now slight depression. My PCP sat me down and just asked me 15 min worth of questions and I started crying, realizing that this is NOT normal! I'm on edge, distracted, restless, anxious, and feel like things are out of my control. That's a first!!! Even though I had my surgery in January to take out everything that cause me that HORRIBLE pain for my whole life, I'm still here, waiting for my next surgery, and waiting to finish. It's frustrating and draining, and, yes, I still have pain from this recovery, and I had to deal with weaning off of my opioids, so it has been stressful (and then there's DH's bladder cancer that's just wearing him out!). My PCP put me on a mild antidepressant. I'll go back in 4 weeks to see if it's helping. She thinks that once I'm all done with this surgery and recovery, I'll be fine, but it took a lot to figure out that I need help. I hope that you get help if you need it. Sounds like you're dealing with TOO MUCH. Hugs to you, always!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 18:52:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2018 19:20:14 GMT
I am not going to slit my wrists. I just don't wish to live like this any longer/I just don't wish to live. I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You need to call someone, ASAP!
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Apr 19, 2018 19:28:18 GMT
Delta Dawn I know just how you feel. I've had some breaks from feeling ill over the last few months, maybe a week or two at a time. And I know that when I'm feeling okay I'm not depressed. But when this comes roaring back, I go from normal to "I want to die right now today," pretty much immediately. This week is particularly bad because I was so ill Monday and Tuesday evenings, woke up ill yesterday but improved by the evening, but today I again woke up feeling awful. And I'm just not sure what to do today to try to feel better. I have a migraine, just for shits and giggles, nausea is bad, I feel shaky, I'm crying, depressed. I wanted to just sleep but with 4 year old running around that didn't work too well. Elannah I know you go up and down. You have times when you have a better outlook. I wish for that for you. I know how hard it is to live feeling that way.
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Post by leftturnonly on Apr 19, 2018 19:29:41 GMT
People are more understanding if you have a deadly disease and you die. They aren't understanding if you even HINT at the idea that you don't want to continue or that you don't have a purpose in life anymore. But wouldn't that feeling be described as depression? I don't know. People like to dump all kinds of things under the label of "depression," but when it's your life, that label doesn't always seem to fit. Delta Dawn - I think Spidey hit that nail firmly right on the head. You have lost your purpose in life. I don't know. There really isn't any one thing to describe it. I have talked with my counselor about it. It can be a part of depression as is suicidal thoughts/actions. I have been diagnosed with functional depression, meaning I can do the main things like work/school, but other things like self care and daily activities are harder {{{hugs}}} zella - I don't know how you feel. I have had chronic hives that must have some similarity to what you are going through - it was a truly miserable time - and I can't imagine where my thoughts would go if I had to deal with what you face every day. {{{Hugs}}}
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Post by gar on Apr 19, 2018 19:31:21 GMT
But wouldn't that feeling be described as depression? I don't know. There really isn't any one thing to describe it. I have talked with my counselor about it. It can be a part of depression as is suicidal thoughts/actions. I have been diagnosed with functional depression, meaning I can do the main things like work/school, but other things like self care and daily activities are harder I understand, as much as I can.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Apr 19, 2018 19:33:42 GMT
@jigglypuff, I am not against using marijuana. However I despise the taste of it, and there is nothing that truly disguises that taste. Chocolate works best, but I can't have any chocolate at all. It's hard to take, for example, my CBD oil when my nausea is already so bad. But I'm going to take it again shortly (I used it Monday night I think it was) and just deal with the wretched taste. I haven't taken it enough to know if it really helps the nausea. I used to vape occasionally, and that helped me fall asleep. I'm not in much pain (other than the migraine), it's the nausea, the shaking, the anxiety and the flushing that is my hell.
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