Getting along with adult children

My kids are not yet adults (all too soon, though!), but I just want to give you some sympathy and a (cyber)hug. That sounds heartbreaking.

Here's what I would do: stop humbly sucking it up and be honest with her. You don't owe an abusive rapist any type of loyalty and it does her a disservice to not know why her mother needed to file charges and recover.

She's not a little girl who needs to be shielded and I wouldn't keep trying to do so. You're worth the truth.

I have shared a lot of my relationship with my oldest son here. We struggle and we continue to struggle. Since he got married in April I have seen him once, got a text for both Mothers Day and my birthday (Happy Mothers Day, Happy Birthday). I wish I had answers or knew how to make our relationship better but no matter what direction we try, it doesn't work. I'm slowly learning to accept our relationship won't ever be what I want it to be. I work through it in therapy, I cry a lot, but in the end, I can't force him to need me.

I wish your relationship with your DD was better. I am glad to hear you get to see the grand kids. I have a feeling when I become a grandma it will be a very long distance relationship even though they live less than a mile from our house.

Well don't tell your child that her children aren't your real grandchildren. That is the fastest way to sever all bonds.

Our daughter talks to husband more that she does, she always has. In her mind He is yes dad, I am the no mom.
Someday she will realize that I am not really the no mom.

Let me share my perspective as a child who grew up in a verbally abusive home.

My dad had a major drinking problem. When he was drunk or hungover, which was 95% of the time, he would SCREAM at me. An occasional slap, but the screaming was a given. It was the only time he “talked” to me. My mom never, ever helped me. As a child, I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t help me. As an adult, I know he was abusing her too so it wasn’t possible for her to stop him. However, there was never a kind word or gesture from her when he was gone. Never an “I love you” or “I’m sorry” or a hug or a kind gesture. I felt like a worthless piece of shit. The people who were supposed to love and protect me were making my life miserable. I obviously was not a lovable child.

I quickly learned to avoid both of them. My mom eventually left my dad, which was good for her. It didn’t matter to me either way. I didn’t have a relationship with either of them. So my relationship with my mom is “cool” too because there was no bonding during those early years. I have no warm fuzzies when I see her or hear her voice. I don’t criticize her, or go around talking to people who know us about what a shitty mom she was, or bring up the past because that is over. She did the best she could at the time.

I did ask her to babysit a couple of times a year because I wanted my kids to have a chance to have a grandma. I wasn’t trying to use her. My kids love her, and I’m glad they do.

That’s probably not what you want to hear, but it’s my reality. Keep loving those grandsons and focus on those relationships.

If you want to fix it, the first step might be to acknowledge your child's perception of her childhood. Her perception is HER reality. Acknowledge her hurt and sincerely apologize for your part in it EVEN IF IT WAS JUSTIFIED ON YOUR END. Once that is done ask her to listen to your version, not to explain or excuse anything, just so she knows your story and hopefully understands your motivations. How the relationship proceeds after that is up to her.

As the child of a narcissist mother it is very hard to see how hurt she is by how crappy our relationship is but she will admit no wrong nor apologize for anything. I'm willing to work with her but she only wants HER hurt to be resolved and me to rewrite my childhood to her version. I will not have my feelings and childhood damage swept under a rug so needless to say it has not happened and probably never will.

You BOTH lived with an abuser. You BOTH had different types of abuse. You BOTH lived through the same things but had different experiences. Both sides have to be heard and validated before moving forward. Wish you the best of luck.

Sure you can.

This. Word for word.

This is difficult. As a child, I adored my dad and had a complicated relationship with my mom. Let's just say she was complicated, period. I have no doubt that in her own way she loved us, but things weren`t always easy. It hurt that my dad always protected her, no matter what she did or said. That felt very unjust. As an adult, I asked him about it and his answer was that he knew I was (mentally) stronger, even as a teen. He tried to keep things together somehow. To this day I am still not sure how I feel about that, but I do understand it better. I also understand my mom and her background better which I guess has made me more mild. Or maybe time just has that effect.I miss them both.

I have no stories to share but just wanted to say that I find parenting adult children much more challenging than parenting them when they are 0-17 years of age.

ETA: I wanted to add that I also think that children are NOT the place to go to get support for your marital difficulties; putting your children between you and their father is never a good thing to do, even when they are adults. Acknowledging the truth is one thing; looking for support another. One thing I am grateful for from my childhood is the way my mother handled my father's cheating, abandonment and eventual divorce.

I agree with everything bigbundt said. 

I want to give you a hug.  Because I can hear that you're hurting.  People make mistakes and when they are genuinely sorry and change their MO, I feel that is worthy of forgiveness.  I am a very forgiving person...when I know someone is genuinely sorry and trying to change how they handle relationships.  But I want to share something about my upbringing just to shine a light on some things you may want to think about.  If it doesn't apply, let it go in one ear and out the other.  I mean no harm.

My dad had bipolar disorder.  He was an emotionally and physically abusive man...with his children.  I was a favorite target.  My mother stood by and watched it happen instead of protecting us.  It took until I was 25 years old for her to leave my dad.  I have more disdain for her, than I have for him.  She should have protected us and she didn't.  In addition, she manipulated me to the point where I would stand up to dad on her behalf.  I was used by her.  Once I realized (through therapy) that *she* wasn't the poor victim and *I* was the one being victimized, I stopped defending her.  My whole perspective changed.  My dad did apologize.  And he is clearly mentally ill.  She has no excuse except that she was weak. 

When she had no one to defend her, then she finally decided to leave my dad.  And once she couldn't use me, she no longer had any use for me.  During her divorce, she threw me right under the bus.  She destroyed relationships between me and her family.  18 years later and our family still hasn't healed.  She believes she was fully justified.  She has never apologized or tried to mend the fence.  She just ignored it and moved forward.  Now, I am mad that I forgave her at all and let her know my children because she is now manipulating my DD.  My DD has some tough issues going on right now, plus she has the added problem of a dad that is uninvolved.  She takes her anger about her dad out on me.  I just listen to her, try to tell her that her dad's behavior is not about her, and that I admit, I made a poor choice choosing him to be her dad.  That is all I can do.  My mom is fueling her fire and I finally decided I've had enough and I have severed the relationship with my mother as of last weekend. 

I am tired.  I have tried.  I have explained things from my perspective over and over again and she never hears me.  In her mind, my dad was a monster and she was the victim.  That's her story.  And it isn't mine.   

most poignant four words i've ever read

gina