DaisyDoodles
Full Member
Posts: 449
Jun 25, 2014 20:32:07 GMT
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Post by DaisyDoodles on Sept 24, 2014 0:24:52 GMT
Short answer: this happened to my family and we have welcomed our sister. We have a distant relationship as it is all overwhelming for all, butbwe just let it just flow and let it just be a no pressure deal.
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Post by stampinbetsy on Sept 24, 2014 0:29:29 GMT
I think I would.
My cousin has told me that our parents (her mom, my dad) and their siblings actually have 3 half-siblings from 2 different women in another state. I don't believe they are older or younger than my dad and his siblings. And I have no idea if my dad and his siblings all even know about the other kids. My mom told me she had always heard rumors when I told her what my cousin had said.
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Post by annaintx on Sept 24, 2014 0:37:33 GMT
I would hope I would. One of DH's friends found out who he thought was his sister was really his mom! Yikes! He was in his 30's when this happened. This happened to one of my friends in high school. On her birthday one year she was told that the people she had called mom and dad were really her grandparents, and her "older sister" was really her mom. She had a really awful time coming to terms with this. Weird, the same thing happened to a friend of mine in high school. She didn't take it very well. Her parents/grandparents were very, very strict with her which made things worse in my opinion.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 3:13:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 0:45:33 GMT
This happened to one of my friends in high school. On her birthday one year she was told that the people she had called mom and dad were really her grandparents, and her "older sister" was really her mom. She had a really awful time coming to terms with this. Weird, the same thing happened to a friend of mine in high school. She didn't take it very well. Her parents/grandparents were very, very strict with her which made things worse in my opinion. I can't imagine it would be news that anyone, never mind a teenager, would take well. I think you'd feel like your whole life was a lie!
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Post by Ryann on Sept 24, 2014 0:58:39 GMT
This exact thing happened in my family. My grandma had 5 children, but only 4 were "known" about until she died. After she died we found out about the fifth child and she was part of our family until she passed away earlier this year. That is the very short version of the story. My family has some crazy secrets that were kept hidden for many years. Like the kind of crazy secrets you'd see come out on Oprah or something. Crazy!
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Post by myboysnme on Sept 24, 2014 1:19:05 GMT
I would welcome them.
I know I have a half sibling that was given up for adoption, because I found the papers years ago snooping for cash to buy a Tiger Beat magazine. I have never asked my parents and wouldn't mention it if my sibling turned up, but I myself would be welcoming.
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Post by smokey2471 on Sept 24, 2014 1:23:44 GMT
I placed a child for adoption. My parents and family know about him. He is 23 and has not contacted us. It was a closed adoption and I plan to tell my children when they are older in case he one day chooses to find me. I would hate to be dead and my children faced with that shock. My Ex-DH knows as well as my current DH. I would not mind if he found me and have notified the proped agencies to release my info if ever asked. I hear it is more likely for a female child to search out her birth parents than a male child. I have no idea if he even know he was adopted. I was 16 when he was born. His birthfather is ok with being contacted but has requested his info not be given to our birth child but would rather me contact him first so he can tell his family. His parents, wife, children etc do not know. I had not seen his birthfather since Highschool unil our class reunion a few years ago. He asked me the reunion to call him. I did and we discussed the above.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 3:13:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 1:25:51 GMT
This kind of happened to DH. His father was married prior to his marriage to DH's Mother.
First marriage produced a child.
DH never knew about marriage or child.
A few years into our marriage (90 or 91 at the latest...we moved to GA in 92) the long lost son contacted his father.
MIL and FIL told my DH about the brother. (but only DH...he was the only "local" son resulting of marriage between MIL/FIL)
We met the brother. DH even took a weekend trip up to Jacksonville to spend time with the brother.
Nothing ever happened in regards to the building of any familial relationships...either with DH and his new brother or with the brother and his father.
MIL said (not too long afterwards) that once the long lost brother realized there was no "money", he decided to not pursue any relationship.
Not really sure that's true...and not really sure that's necessarily nice (probably the harshest thing I've ever heard MIL say) but there it is.
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Post by LovMelrose on Sept 24, 2014 1:27:37 GMT
I think so. At least give it a chance. I suppose to what level the relationship grows would depend on a lot of factors.
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Post by mama2three on Sept 24, 2014 1:35:33 GMT
I would hope I would. One of DH's friends found out who he thought was his sister was really his mom! Yikes! He was in his 30's when this happened. This happened to one of my friends in high school. On her birthday one year she was told that the people she had called mom and dad were really her grandparents, and her "older sister" was really her mom. She had a really awful time coming to terms with this. I think this happens more often than we think. There is a 12 yr old girl in my GS troop whose 26 yr old "sister" is really her mom ( the girl has not been informed of this; the woman she calls "mom" is actually her grandma. Her gt grandma introduces herself as the nanny).
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Post by pjynx on Sept 24, 2014 1:39:10 GMT
Sure.
I found out when I was 34 that I had another sister. Not because of adoption, but because of a fling my dad had with his former girlfriend, who was getting married to someone else soon and passed the baby off as her new husband's. My dad never questioned it (though my grandma suspected). Her mom only finally told her because she was doing some project in high-school science and was questioning her blood type or maybe eye color and something to do with dominant vs recessive genes and hers wouldn't have been possible with the combo of her mom's and the man she thought was her dad.
Pam
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Post by chlerbie on Sept 24, 2014 3:15:52 GMT
My SO came from an "interesting" family and he's kind of on both sides of this. His mother gave up a child for adoption after he was born, and he never knew about it--until she showed up when he was in his 30's It actually went really well and she really just wanted to meet and get to know her family. Her birth mother was happy that she'd searched her out and SO and she get along really well now. I really like her, too. On the other side, though, SO never met his father and his mother kept the information about him away from him. When he eventually DID find out, his father had passed. However, he did have "family" in the area. SO decided not to search them out as he didn't want to involve himself with people who might not want him around or to make them feel obligated to get to know him.
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Post by lovinlife on Sept 24, 2014 3:26:21 GMT
My husband was born in Missouri and is about to turn 39. He was adopted as an infant. His parents have given us all the info they had and we have pursued looking for his biological family off and on over the years. Main reason is for medical info. Not only for him but also our 3 girls. The records are sealed. Whenever we have posted on a message or reunion board we have always been adamant that he wasn't expecting to flip their lives if others didn't know about him. He'd be willing to meet them and if relationships formed great but if not its ok. We don't want to cause any hurt or upset...
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Sept 24, 2014 4:55:10 GMT
Yes- long long story short it's happened to me and my family and then my DH sister gave child up at 16. She had another one at 18, she kept her but never told her had one before her. About three years ago the one she gave up was looking for her mom (my SIL). They met. SIL told daughter. Daughter agreed to meet her but was very hesitant. Not expecting much. She's now a part of the family for the most part. DH is actually closer to both nieces than mom. Mom's not the most dependable stable person. My family was very different and it would take too long to explain but I don't have much of a relationship with my bio dad and the siblings.We did for along time but it got complicated with my mom. I didn't know they existed till I was 16. I had four other siblings. They looked just like me. I have a dozen or so siblings. I think. ETA when my 'dad' adopted us he changed our names (I have two brothers) so we would never know. When he and my mom got divorced (that's when my dad came looking for us) then my one brother changed his name back to his birth middle name and last name.
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Deleted
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Apr 24, 2024 3:13:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 6:39:09 GMT
As someone who just lost her only sibling a year ago OMG in a heartbeat! I would love an older brother or sister.
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Post by rainangel on Sept 24, 2014 6:59:41 GMT
That happened to my dad. He grew up thinking he was an only child. Then, when he was about 50, a half-brother found him. Turned out my grandmother had had a relationship with her male lodger after her husband died after WW2. Since she was Catholic and the lodger was German, she gave the baby away. My dad was so happy to meet him and his family and they started to bond over dinners and outings. Eventually though it turned out that his half-brother simply wanted information about his birth parents, so when my dad had given him as much info as he could he stopped contacting my dad. So sad for my dad. You know, everything regarding Germans during WWII is very hush-hush, so I can understand your grandmother. In Norway during WWII, we were occupied by the Germans. No big battles or anything, but we had a resistance-movement of course. My sister's MIL is the child of a Norwegian woman and a German soldier. The whole story is really sad, because they were truly in love and they were going to get married. But then the soldier travelled back to Germany to be released from the army and died in a tragic car accident His Norwegian fiancee was in Norway, pregnant by a German soldier, and I cannot explain how much of a stigma this was during the war. Becoming pregnant with 'the enemy' was more or less considered to be treason by the small communities in Norway. But she had the soldiers baby, and they have had contact with his family ever since my sister's MIL was born. Which really is incredible! Half-German children were at the bottom of the peckingorder, but this one actually managed to have a relationship with her German family! She was born during the war, and her mother is in her 90's now. The mother never wants to talk about the soldier, but I am under the impression that it is because her heart is still broken, not because of the immense stigma surrounding it. They both fared well in life, my sister's MIL has been to Germany MANY times to visit her paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles. They even snuck food over the wall to familymembers in East-Berlin when that was still up. But the typical story of a young woman having a relationship with a German soldier involves being shut out of the community, being dragged into the town square having their heads shaved, being forever branded as a traitor and a wh*re.... It was ugly..... But we are not allowed to ask about it, we only focus on the great relationship they have with their German family. I think it was sort of a blessing for the German family to hear about the baby. They just lost their son in a car accident (who was only 19), but they got a beautiful babygirl in their family who they have had great contact with over the years.
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Post by disneypal on Sept 24, 2014 7:19:01 GMT
Yes, I would want to get to know them
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Post by peasapie on Sept 24, 2014 8:15:42 GMT
I think so, yes. But sometimes a parent poisons a child's mind about the other parent and may tell them a lot of negative things. It can be hard to feel like you were the unfavored child-- even if that's untrue. Not sure if this relates to your situation.
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Post by gar on Sept 24, 2014 8:18:31 GMT
I would hope I would. One of DH's friends found out who he thought was his sister was really his mom! Yikes! He was in his 30's when this happened. This happened to one of my friends in high school. On her birthday one year she was told that the people she had called mom and dad were really her grandparents, and her "older sister" was really her mom. She had a really awful time coming to terms with this. That happened to a long-ago b/f. He coped really well actually and was just grateful that his family had found a workable solution that meant he stayed within the family rather than being adopted. Not easy though I'm sure!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 3:13:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 10:27:33 GMT
I actually know a girl who is being raised by her grandparents that pretend that her father (their son) is her brother. Crazy ! And the girl knows who is who.
The grandparents are not doing much better with the girl than they did her father.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Sept 24, 2014 12:07:20 GMT
**Thanks for all the input. The reason for my question is I am still trying to understand my SILs reaction to this situation. A sister found my DH and one sister. We met her and she is just the nicest person. We see her and her DH all the time and enjoy their company. She is over the moon happy to have a sibling. My SILs have met her (basically under duress) and pretty much want nothing to do with her. Her mother wants no part of it. MY DH has tried to encourage one sister to reach out (we are not close with his sisters), but she has basically accused DH of dumping them for his new sister. The whole situation is very sad as all his new sister wants is siblings. She doesn't need money.** Say one of your parents had a child before they were married and gave that child up for adoption. That sibling shows up looking for their biological family. Would you welcome them? Ann You say you are not close with his sisters, but see this "new" sister and her dh all the time. I can see how the sisters would feel dumped. Where did this "new" sister come from -- was she the mother or father's and put up for adoption prior to the marriage?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 3:13:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 12:13:19 GMT
Yes, she was put up for adoption before his parents got married. We are not close with the other sisters by their doing. We have extended ourselves countless times. So, I guess I'm not surprised they didn't embrace their new sisters, they can't get along with each other.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,759
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Sept 24, 2014 12:29:52 GMT
So the "new" sister is a full sister. Wow. What are the reasons your MIL doesn't want to know? Are the other sisters taking their lead from her?
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Post by peasapie on Sept 24, 2014 13:13:03 GMT
So the "new" sister is a full sister. Wow. What are the reasons your MIL doesn't want to know? Are the other sisters taking their lead from her? I was confused by this. Not sure if her mother meant adoptive mom or biological mom. its interesting to think about the different reactions people have to this scenario. I guess there is the fear of the unknown for some people--not wanting to let someone unfamiliar get close to them By instantly having another family member. Personally, I would be thrilled.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 3:13:39 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 13:20:27 GMT
Sorry for the confusion, not a full sister ... a half sister. I guess I just can't imagine as a female not wanting to know my sister. My MIL offers no explanation, has readily admitted that this is her child but wants no part of her. My new SIL lights up like a Christmas tree when she is with her "bro".
Ann
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,759
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Sept 24, 2014 13:29:22 GMT
Families can be odd, enjoy your new SIL. The others, well, there is no pleasing some people so don't even try. Their loss by the sound of it.
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Post by redayh on Sept 24, 2014 14:24:39 GMT
This makes me feel bad for the kid that was not raised as part of the family. If they have sincere motives it is like being rejected all over again, I would imagine.
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Post by OntarioScrapper on Sept 24, 2014 14:36:58 GMT
This happened to an Uncle of mine. He didn't know at the time when he married my Aunt that the other woman was pregnant. He married my Aunt because she told him she was pregnant. The other woman decided not to tell him that she was pregnant either and gave the baby up for adoption. My Uncle and Aunt found about the baby after the adoption. They tried to get the baby but back he wasn't allowed to get his son back. That was 50 years ago. They had 3 girls. The oldest heard something and investigated. She found her long lost brother and he didn't live that far away either! Maybe 30 minutes. His wife and 2 teenage girls were welcomed into our big German family. They were not sure how everyone would react to it all. It's been about 10 years now. My Uncle and Aunt celebrated their 50th this past summer and it was nice to for them to have all 4 of the kids and grandkids there. My cousin looks so much like his Dad. It's amazing they never bumped into each other and did double takes! Maybe he would've been found sooner.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,586
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Sept 24, 2014 14:49:35 GMT
Just read your update. That's sad that they won't accept her.
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Post by ChicagoKTS on Sept 24, 2014 15:30:45 GMT
Honestly, no. I do have this situation in my family. My known half-sister found another unknown half-sister (three girls by same bio mom, different dads). The known half-sister and I do not get along. We don't like each other and have little to do with each other. She gave my contact info to the unknown half-sister but I never returned the call. I feel no connection to the person plus to bring her into the dysfunction of being put in-between two people who don't like each other seems like a pretty messed-up thing to do to an innocent by-stander.
Edited to clarify a bit: As far as I know the unknown half-sister has been embraced and welcomed by my known half-sister. While I didn't really feel compelled to meet the person myself, I also didn't want to force the person to have to "choose" which one of us to be involved with. My known half-sister is a real piece of work when it comes to me. She is a witch and will do anything she can to slap at me in her passive aggressive ways. If for some reason, the new half-sister tried to be friends with me, the other half-sister would cause problems. So bottom line, I felt it was the kindest thing to just let those two develop their relationship and stay out of it. No point in creating a tense situation.
Now if the unknown half-sister ever calls me and says, gee what a witch that other one is and I can see why you don't speak to her, then we can go from there.
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