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Post by Really Red on Oct 19, 2018 18:43:46 GMT
I hesitate to even write something here because it is hard to know the whole story without writing a lengthy biography and it's extremely hard for me to have the judgment hatchet thrown on me, but I'm really lost and I need some words of wisdom. Original Threads: Almost Original Thread Next Thread Third Thread I'm truly at the end of my rope with my ex. He is still so lost, although getting much, much better. It's still a long road to recovery for him. I understand he's scared; I would be too, but I have 30 years of what he did to me behind my exhaustion and he is just scared. I talked to the neurologist yesterday who said he thought my ex would do great in Switzerland. That it would be helpful for him to be surrounded by people he knows and talk a language that's the furthest back in his head. I thought my ex was completely on board. I wanted to get the Airbnb for him yesterday but he didn't want to (I could have done it - but it's his money). He said he'd do it today. Now he's panicking. I get that. I was understanding and empathetic, but the problem is he does not understand. He thinks it's fine and dandy to be here with me. He thinks he's not causing me much extra effort (he does recognize a bit), but it's SO much extra work. Yesterday, for example, I had 5 separate phone calls I had to make for him. These are not 30-second calls; I'm on hold, I have to explain things and UGH. Today, alone, I have made three calls and taken him to speech. He has a hearing appointment shortly and we have to stop and pick up his contact lenses. These are my days at least 4 days a week. I have a full-time job, which is very hectic right now. I work until all hours of the night to make up time. And he smells! I told him to shower, but his room smells and just yuck. Everywhere in my house there are pieces of him. I only want pieces of me and my kids! I know I am not wrong to want him gone, but when I tell him (I swear I say this gently - and mostly I write it because he can't understand too too well), it's time to go to Switzerland, he cries. I feel sick. I feel like shit. I know he did this to himself (not the stroke - but the alienation of everyone), but it's still hateful to see someone you once loved and admired reduced to this. He's scared to leave. I get that. For what it's worth, I think he's ready. He's just scared. But short of picking him up and dragging him out of here I do not know what to do. You don't have to tell me I am nice and I have been nice long enough. I would tell that to anyone, too. I don't want to end this with an angry fit. I feel really upset that I am in this position that I know I put myself in when I took him in, but it's what had to be done. I just need to know how to fix this now. UPDATE: I did not mean to ghost you all. I went off to the vet for an annual visit for my pup and it turns out he has cancer. I am not really sure what I did to the Karma Gods that they are on me, but this one really threw me for a loop. That, coupled with talking with my in-laws and my daughter who had her wallet stolen, just sucked me dry this weekend. I am going to answer some of you specifically at the end of the thread, but thank you to all who wrote. It means a lot to me that you are so faithfully supportive. It really, really does! I will skip the numerous back and forths, but my ex is leaving in mid-November. He will be staying with his mom. It wasn't what I wanted, but I finally actually listened to her. She said she picked a retirement home with 2 bedrooms for the whole reason that she could have her son with her. She is SUCH a strong woman and I love her so very much and she is the only person who wants her son. I finally thought that it's not about ME and it's about her and her son and I should respect that. I told both her and my ex that nothing is permanent. If it doesn't work, there are always other options. I think we all feel really good about things. Also, we got my ex a haircut and shave today and wow does he look better. He looked like the grandfather in Heidi and now he looks a bit more human. So today is sort of good. I am worried about my pup and trying to minimize it a bit to my kids, while still letting them know it's serious, but with all 3 in college and away, I don't want them worrying too much. So thank you all for your support SO SO SO much!
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 19, 2018 18:48:55 GMT
I don't know if he is cognizant enough to manipulate you, but even if he isn't, it is time to go. You have done enough. It is completely taking away from your quality of life. Tell him he has X amount of days to call for a plane ticket or you will. Call his brother and let him know that the end of his stay Oct. XX and after that the brother can get him. He is no longer your responsibility. It is done. You just have to be really firm. Good luck.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 19, 2018 18:53:20 GMT
I think he's playing you. Short of you going with him and dropping him off---I am really not sure what you're going to do. This SUCKS....
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Post by elaine on Oct 19, 2018 18:54:33 GMT
The bottom line is that he never will leave happily on his own accord. That stinks for you, but appears to be the reality. I’m sorry. Only you can decide when the cost (your time & energy) of having him is more than the cost of having to angrily get him out your house.
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Post by quinlove on Oct 19, 2018 19:03:24 GMT
Yes, it’s time. If you don’t do it soon, YOU are going to be falling apart. We all are going to be giving you permission to let ( make ) him go.
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
MOTFY Bitchy Nursemaid
Posts: 2,834
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Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Oct 19, 2018 19:07:27 GMT
I think it’s going to be like a bandaid. You’re going to have to rip that sucker off no matter how painful. OR you could call a male friend to come over and act like a very romantic and jealous piece of love candy. A day or so of closed bedroom doors with a lot of grunting and panting and he’ll be driving himself to the airport.
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psiluvu
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Posts: 3,217
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Jun 25, 2014 22:52:26 GMT
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Post by psiluvu on Oct 19, 2018 19:09:18 GMT
It sounds like he is totally playing you. As you say there is 30 years of history. I say this firmly but gently "Grow a backbone" set a date in the very near future for him to be out and stick to it.
It's obvious he doesn't give two hoots about your feelings or he would be trying to be less of a burden and would be trying to help himself. He is taking advantage of your kind nature
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Post by ntsf on Oct 19, 2018 19:10:45 GMT
hire someone with his money to go with him on the plane..
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Post by shevy on Oct 19, 2018 19:15:30 GMT
Doesn't he have family there? Can't they talk to him? At this point, I think you have to accept that he is not going to voluntarily leave. Remind him that if he was at the rehab center, he would have been gone and for the sake of your 'friendship' he needs to go now.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,158
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Oct 19, 2018 19:17:00 GMT
I can see that he would be scared about another big change in his life. And maybe very scared about traveling and living alone under his circumstances?
Only you know him well enough to know if he's playing you - and only you can force the change, because it's obvious he won't do it on his own and there's no one else to make him.
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Post by elaine on Oct 19, 2018 19:17:08 GMT
Doesn't he have family there? Can't they talk to him? At this point, I think you have to accept that he is not going to voluntarily leave. Remind him that if he was at the rehab center, he would have been gone and for the sake of your 'friendship' he needs to go now. She has talked to his brother and SIL there and they told him NOT to come. They don’t want to deal with him, so told him to stay in the USA.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Oct 19, 2018 19:21:10 GMT
If he has funds, time for respite care in a home/rehab if he will not go farther on a plane.... Do not sign the papers though!
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Post by shevy on Oct 19, 2018 19:25:49 GMT
OMG! His siblings don't want him? Well then, hell, why should you, as his ex, be forced to deal with him forever? No. You needs to just inform him when he will be leaving and send him on his way.
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Mystie
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Posts: 4,299
Jun 25, 2014 19:53:37 GMT
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Post by Mystie on Oct 19, 2018 19:32:57 GMT
Someone mentioned above that his brother told him not to come to Switzerland?? I missed that update, that is awful.
Nevertheless, it's time for him to go, and Switzerland it is, right? Would there be any way to pay for one of his friends to fly there with him? (With his money, of course.)
I'm so sorry this is dragging on. I think it will help to set a non-negotiable leave-by date and focus everything you ave on getting him out the door and on a plane by then. Make sure he knows this WILL happen. Stand over him while he sets up his AirBnB, his plane tickets, whatever else he needs.
That's all I got. I'm sure it's more complicated than what we can understand, but you must get your own life back, whatever it takes. He may cry and get angry, but that's on him, not on you.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 9:15:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 19:37:44 GMT
Will he be able to afford to live in Switzerland? How long will it take for him to get medical coverage?
He needs to get away from you, just as much as you need him gone. Why should he get better when you are there to take care of him.
Huge hugs.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Oct 19, 2018 19:42:01 GMT
hire someone with his money to go with him on the plane.. this- I would be wary of sending him off on his own, but if you hired someone-- or contacted the airline and arranged for the flight attendants to take care of him, since he's cognitively disabled? do they do that?? -- then you could feel better about knowing he'll make it to Switzerland all right. ...wait, what?? someone told him that he can't come to Switzerland? that's crappy. You're NOT his next of kin any longer; he's your EX-husband. His family THERE is his next of kin now. (right?) eta: I do understand that people's personalities can change drastically after an experience like this-- I think-- but his well-being is NOT your responsibility any longer. Is there some way to get legal assistance to get his brother and SIL involved whether they 'want' to be or not??
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Oct 19, 2018 19:46:41 GMT
There have been times my daughter has been scared. She's been afraid to do something and face taking the first step. But it's been my job to recognize that in her, assess whatever it is that she is facing, and push her out because it's necessary and positive for her. That always comes with a knot in my stomach and feelings of doubt and guilt, but those are just my feelings. Sometimes you have to push a situation when you know it's the best thing for the person/everyone in the long run. I recognize your feelings of guilt. But that shouldn't keep you from pushing for what is ultimately best for everyone involved.
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Oct 19, 2018 19:51:11 GMT
Call the department of aging in your area and explain the situation. See if there are any resources. He needs to go. If he won't go to Switzerland then he had to go into a home. He needs to identify others who can help him even if that means he pays for them.
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Post by librarylady on Oct 19, 2018 19:51:55 GMT
It is time to deliver him to his family in Switzerland. Using his money, purchase a ticket for him and one for a nurse/caregiver/guide to make sure he handles any plane changes etc. It is an awful thing for his siblings to not step up to the responsibility.
It will make you feel like an ugly person, but---you divorced him and 99% of the world would not have helped him as much as you have. It is for your sanity and for his good in the long run.
Sad thing is that your children will keep you tethered to him forever--as in getting updates etc.
Just do it.........Whatever problems happen in Switzerland belong to him and HIS family.
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Oct 19, 2018 19:53:07 GMT
Would you be willing/able to fly there with him? Obviously, you do not have to do that and should not feel obligated to. I'm only suggesting it as an option for you to get him out of the house - it might be more palatable for him to hear, "We're going..." than "You're going," so maybe it would happen sooner.
I understand your sympathy for him based on who he used to be to you and your kids, and your humanity toward him through all this time(!) of his being sick is admirable. If you wanted to throw him out on the doorstep tomorrow morning, you'd be well within your rights and get no judgment from me - you've done more than anyone could expect.
You have my prayers for the wisdom and strength to get you to the point where your house is your own again.
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Post by mrssmith on Oct 19, 2018 19:56:57 GMT
I think you've done enough. If the Switzerland family won't help, then off to a different facility. IMO, even if the kids don't have a good relationship with him, they should help as much as possible for YOUR sake, not his.
Do you have a plane ticket yet? Also get or have him get the medical records before he goes.
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Post by hop2 on Oct 19, 2018 19:57:14 GMT
It will be okay to send him home to his family. They live him, they need him, they have probably worried about him since the incident. You are not a piece of poo. This might be tough live but it is what’s probably best for him. Even the doctor said that.
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Post by malibou on Oct 19, 2018 21:11:48 GMT
What would you tell your kids to do if they found themselves in this situation?
He has to go. Get a plane ticket, and a ginormous piece of paper. On the paper, in huge letters, write the date he is leaving and hang it where he can see it. You can have his airbnb info on it, and start making checklists on it of things that need to happen. Then you can check things off the list so he can see that things are moving toward that date and everything is ready.
I think you are a good person, but not because of this. For this I would say you are brave, selfless, and maybe a bit crazy. I can totally see how you couldn't see a way around it, but now it looks like there is a possible out, that is far away from you. Let someone else deal. You have gone so far above and beyond. You need your life back.
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likescarrots
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Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Oct 19, 2018 21:32:16 GMT
It is time to deliver him to his family in Switzerland. Using his money, purchase a ticket for him and one for a nurse/caregiver/guide to make sure he handles any plane changes etc. It is an awful thing for his siblings to not step up to the responsibility.It will make you feel like an ugly person, but---you divorced him and 99% of the world would not have helped him as much as you have. It is for your sanity and for his good in the long run. Sad thing is that your children will keep you tethered to him forever--as in getting updates etc. Just do it.........Whatever problems happen in Switzerland belong to him and HIS family. I mean, based on OPs previous posts about this guy, he was a total asshole to her, so it's likely he was not great to them either. I wouldn't feel any sense of responsibility for an asshole even if they were my sibling, so I don't blame them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 9:15:27 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2018 21:33:30 GMT
Unless you want to take care of him for the rest of his/your life, you need to cut the cord. It's not going to get any better and he's never going to leave on his own volition, especially when you've created such a caring, nurturing and comfortable environment. Does he have family in Switzerland? If so, let them care for him now. You've done more than enough.
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Post by femalebusiness on Oct 19, 2018 22:33:27 GMT
I've said it before and it still stands, kick him to the curb. Just take a deep breath and do it.
If you won't do that, get some therapy. I am not being snarky as I really like you Really Red and you are kind of scaring me by drawing this out with your ex. If it isn't already it could get really dangerous quickly.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 19, 2018 22:43:28 GMT
Can you schedule a vacation and tell him he needs to be gone by then because there will be no one around to help him.
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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 19, 2018 23:40:33 GMT
Sometimes you have to learn to love what's good for you and this applies to him! Make the arrangements to send him and buy his ticket w/his money and that's that. He didn't become a less manipulative and nice person, just because he had a stroke. He's still the same guy, just wounded.
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Post by SweetieBugs on Oct 20, 2018 0:26:44 GMT
I just want to say that you have been so strong through all of this. I can tell you don't feel this way but you have been put to a very hard test and I think you have really done as well as anyone can be expected. You need to really search your heart and mind and decide what is the best decision for you and then commit to it. I don't think you should have to be saddled with an EX forever if the marriage was terminated and you didn't stay on really close terms.
Be gentle with yourself and know the Peas are hear to give you support and encouragement.
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Post by tuva42 on Oct 20, 2018 0:34:25 GMT
It sounds as if he will never hold a job again. Can you get him on full disability and get him moved out?
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