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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 20, 2018 0:49:07 GMT
At this point, I think you have to accept that he is not going to voluntarily leave. I think it will help to set a non-negotiable leave-by date and focus everything you ave on getting him out the door and on a plane by then. Sometimes you have to push a situation when you know it's the best thing for the person/everyone in the long run. I recognize your feelings of guilt. But that shouldn't keep you from pushing for what is ultimately best for everyone involved. he's never going to leave on his own volition, especially when you've created such a caring, nurturing and comfortable environment. I really don't want this to feel like a pile-on, but... we're all saying the same thing here. You have to take the control that he both can't and won't take.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,396
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Oct 20, 2018 1:02:10 GMT
hire someone with his money to go with him on the plane.. YES! I was thinking about having one of your kids fly with him to Switzerland.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Oct 20, 2018 1:03:03 GMT
Are there group homes etc in your area? Maybe he needs to be given a choice between a Group home (or something similar) or Europe.
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Loydene
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,639
Location: Albuquerque, New Mexico
Jul 8, 2014 16:31:47 GMT
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Post by Loydene on Oct 20, 2018 2:08:05 GMT
How about a big fat lie? Tell him you have to go someplace for a week for work. He can't stay by himself, so put him in some facility. Then don't retrieve him. It sounds simplistic, but sometimes the simplest way is the best way. Or TAKE him to Switzerland - you fly with him, doorstep dump him on his brother - off you go for a short stint of sightseeing and fly home/ Are your children too young to be the ones who fly with him to Switzerland? Do you have a male relative to take him to Switzerland or a facility?
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 20, 2018 2:16:05 GMT
I hesitate to even write something here because it is hard to know the whole story without writing a lengthy biography and it's extremely hard for me to have the judgment hatchet thrown on me, but I'm really lost and I need some words of wisdom. Original Threads: Almost Original Thread Next Thread Third Thread I'm truly at the end of my rope with my ex. He is still so lost, although getting much, much better. It's still a long road to recovery for him. I understand he's scared; I would be too, but I have 30 years of what he did to me behind my exhaustion and he is just scared. I talked to the neurologist yesterday who said he thought my ex would do great in Switzerland. That it would be helpful for him to be surrounded by people he knows and talk a language that's the furthest back in his head. I thought my ex was completely on board. I wanted to get the Airbnb for him yesterday but he didn't want to (I could have done it - but it's his money). He said he'd do it today. Now he's panicking. I get that. I was understanding and empathetic, but the problem is he does not understand. He thinks it's fine and dandy to be here with me. He thinks he's not causing me much extra effort (he does recognize a bit), but it's SO much extra work. Yesterday, for example, I had 5 separate phone calls I had to make for him. These are not 30-second calls; I'm on hold, I have to explain things and UGH. Today, alone, I have made three calls and taken him to speech. He has a hearing appointment shortly and we have to stop and pick up his contact lenses. These are my days at least 4 days a week. I have a full-time job, which is very hectic right now. I work until all hours of the night to make up time. And he smells! I told him to shower, but his room smells and just yuck. Everywhere in my house there are pieces of him. I only want pieces of me and my kids! I know I am not wrong to want him gone, but when I tell him (I swear I say this gently - and mostly I write it because he can't understand too too well), it's time to go to Switzerland, he cries. I feel sick. I feel like shit. I know he did this to himself (not the stroke - but the alienation of everyone), but it's still hateful to see someone you once loved and admired reduced to this. He's scared to leave. I get that. For what it's worth, I think he's ready. He's just scared. But short of picking him up and dragging him out of here I do not know what to do. You don't have to tell me I am nice and I have been nice long enough. I would tell that to anyone, too. I don't want to end this with an angry fit. I feel really upset that I am in this position that I know I put myself in when I took him in, but it's what had to be done. I just need to know how to fix this now.
Tough love is what's needed now. You fix this by using his money to book the AirBnB, buy him a ticket and email his family when he is coming and where he is staying. Tell them to pick him up at the airport or arrange a driver. The ONLY choice I would give him is whether he wants to go by himself or pay for someone to travel with him. Don't drag your kids into this. That he doesn't see his being there as causing you any extra work speaks volumes about him. And not in a good way.
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Post by cannmom on Oct 20, 2018 2:22:22 GMT
I'm so sorry. You are really in a tough spot. It's so hard to feel lke you are being the bad guy. You're not, though. I think the best tactic may to be really really matter of fact and just keep saying " you can't stay here". Good luck.
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Post by berty on Oct 20, 2018 2:36:39 GMT
Maybe try to look at the situation from a different perspective. If it were a good friend or one of your children in your place what would you advise them to do? My guess would be to follow some of the suggestions listed here. Good luck.
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 20, 2018 3:13:43 GMT
It's a lot to think he can make that trip alone. Can you take him?
Either way, don't negotiate with him. Set the date and be firm.
Giant hugs, my Pea friend.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,657
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Oct 20, 2018 3:16:17 GMT
Tough love is what's needed now. You fix this by using his money to book the AirBnB, buy him a ticket and email his family when he is coming and where he is staying. Tell them to pick him up at the airport or arrange a driver. The ONLY choice I would give him is whether he wants to go by himself or pay for someone to travel with him. Don't drag your kids into this. I completely agree with this. I wouldn't leave the brother with any alternative than to deal with him. If you or one of the kids go, the brother can still refuse to take him and leave you in the same position you're in now. You've been a saint. It's time to take care of YOU.
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Post by birukitty on Oct 20, 2018 3:44:01 GMT
Tough love is what's needed now. You fix this by using his money to book the AirBnB, buy him a ticket and email his family when he is coming and where he is staying. Tell them to pick him up at the airport or arrange a driver. The ONLY choice I would give him is whether he wants to go by himself or pay for someone to travel with him. Don't drag your kids into this. I completely agree with this. I wouldn't leave the brother with any alternative than to deal with him. If you are one of the kids go, the brother can still refuse to take him and leave you in the same position you're in now. You've been a saint. It's time to take care of YOU. Exactly! If you've sent him with a hired escort for him to travel with, the brother has no choice but to accept him when he arrives. Also I don't think it's wise to drag your kids into this emotionally as an escort for him on the plane. The brother should take over when your ex arrives. He is your ex's family. Not you! He can decide what is the best course of action for your ex's care. Send all medical records with the escort and have the escort deliver them. The medical care in Switzerland is supposed to be some of the best in the world. I also really like the idea of coming up with a firm date and posting it somewhere he can see it. Use a wall calendar, write it on that and he can see the dates as they tick down. OP, you have gone above and beyond what anyone would do in your situation. This is now impacting your life in a very negative way. It's time for it to end. I wish you the best. You can do this.
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Post by kelly316 on Oct 20, 2018 3:50:40 GMT
You know what the worst part of all this is?
You will eventually snap. He will not appreciate all that you have done for him! He will only remember (and tell everyone) that you snapped! Ask me how I know?
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Post by Really Red on Oct 22, 2018 22:50:33 GMT
@megmc yes, we have enough Swiss francs to have him stay there for quite a few months. christine58 you're not the only one. But he really isn't. Judy26 - Yes! You are right. I think he will one day tell me that this was the best thing he did. J u l e e you are exactly right. I tried explaining this to him, but he struggles with logic. kate I cannot fly with him there and back. I just can't. mrssmith my kids are all in college (18-21). They have done so much already. They come home when they can and talk to him on the phone. I do not want this to be their lives. He has his plane ticket!! And thank you! It's a good idea to have him bring his medical records. malibou - I'd tell everyone what you're telling me, of course! It's always easier from the outside!! likescarrots femalebusiness you are not wrong. I am seeing a counselor. freecharlie - I am going away this weekend. We'll see how he does. scrapmaven you are right! SweetieBugs tuva42 I hope not. I really, really hope not. I lose all child support and spousal support in that situation. Already, it will be lost for a few months, but I hope not forever. To his credit, he is worried about this as well.
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Post by Really Red on Oct 22, 2018 22:51:46 GMT
You know what the worst part of all this is? You will eventually snap. He will not appreciate all that you have done for him! He will only remember (and tell everyone) that you snapped! Ask me how I know? And kelly316 This is exactly what I am most worried. about. I do not have to ask you how you know, but you have my sympathy.
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Post by jenjie on Oct 22, 2018 23:01:41 GMT
This is a really good update. Except for your poor doggie. I’m sorry. 😔
Ex has someone who wants him. She wants him. She planned for him to live with her. He has something to look forward to and you get to get rid of him and you don’t have to feel bad about dumping him on someone who doesn’t want him.
ETA it goes without saying you shouldn’t feel bad anyway. But I’m glad this has a good resolution.
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scrappyesq
Pearl Clutcher
You have always been a part of the heist. You're only mad now because you don't like your cut.
Posts: 4,026
Jun 26, 2014 19:29:07 GMT
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Post by scrappyesq on Oct 22, 2018 23:03:14 GMT
We love you Red. That's all i have to say.
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GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,280
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Oct 22, 2018 23:11:40 GMT
I'm sorry about your doggie news.
As for XH, I'm glad that his mother is willing to take him. I admire you for taking him on all those months ago. I'm not sure I would've done it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 20, 2024 5:03:35 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 23:21:39 GMT
At least you will get a few months of rest from him.
How long does it take for him to get his residency back?
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Post by KelleeM on Oct 22, 2018 23:22:52 GMT
I’m so sorry about your dog.
Im really glad his mom wants him there. You’ve been amazing and I’m happy you will have your life back soon.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 22, 2018 23:30:56 GMT
I am not really sure what I did to the Karma Gods that they are on me It's always been my observation that life seems to balance out somehow. The good comes, the bad comes, the good circles back around... and so forth. So maybe you're just getting a lot of the bad out the way now? To make room for the good, of course!
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Post by christine58 on Oct 22, 2018 23:31:37 GMT
So thank you all for your support SO SO SO much! You are so welcome..Now go pick out that new couch/chair
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Post by malibou on Oct 22, 2018 23:35:40 GMT
So very sorry about your pup. You certainly don't need extra things piling on.
I'm pleased you've got something worked out. I wish you much peace and quiet as you get your life back.
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Sarah*H
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,970
Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
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Post by Sarah*H on Oct 22, 2018 23:37:38 GMT
That is a really great update. I'm so glad you were able to come to a good resolution for both of you.
And I'm really sorry about your dog. I hope it's something treatable.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 22, 2018 23:39:35 GMT
I too am so sorry about your pup
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Post by elaine on Oct 22, 2018 23:47:07 GMT
I’m so sorry about your dog. I’m happy that there is a good solution to your ex-dh woes. Living with his mother will be good for both of them. I can’t wait until we see pictures of the new sofa!
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Post by missbennet on Oct 22, 2018 23:47:44 GMT
You're doing so great, I have a lot of respect for how you are handling yourself with your ex, your MIL, even the board here where you take the time to answer a lot of posts specifically.
You are a stand up person. I'm so sorry about your pup.
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Post by cmpeter on Oct 22, 2018 23:59:05 GMT
Sorry about your poor pup, that’s never easy to go through.
It sounds like a great update, but you mentioned him living with her is not what you wanted? Why not?
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,736
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Oct 23, 2018 0:02:04 GMT
My heart goes out to you.
I have no advice how exactly to end this just that you need to. Pick a path and go for it, for your sake.
Hugs
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Post by librarylady on Oct 23, 2018 0:07:28 GMT
Sad for your dog.
Happy that there is a resolution that will happen in a month...If it doesn't work out with his mother, at least it will be a problem that his family can resolve and leave you out of the loop.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Oct 23, 2018 0:20:01 GMT
Nicely done. I’ve been reading this saga, but never know what advice to give. “Kick him out” seemed both logical and fraught. Let us know how you enjoy your regained life. “Heidi’s grandfather” cracked me up.
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Post by christine58 on Oct 23, 2018 0:21:13 GMT
It sounds like a great update, but you mentioned him living with her is not what you wanted? Why not? She had found him an AirBnB in his hometown. Glad his mom wants him to live with her.
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