ginger
Shy Member
Posts: 34
Sept 20, 2014 15:19:42 GMT
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Post by ginger on Sept 24, 2014 10:23:25 GMT
How do you handle differences in parenting, especially for the big things. My husband and I have always had trouble agreeing on consequences, rules, etc. He still tries to be their friend versus me trying to be a parent. Just recently our 17 year old daughter did something and was arrested. She did not go to jail but has upcoming court dates. He grounded her for two weeks and that's it. I was thinking much more than that, of course. I know we should agree on how to raise the kids but we just don't, so what do you do when you just can't?
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Post by Really Red on Sept 24, 2014 10:30:14 GMT
Didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry. My DH and I were on the same page until the teenage years. He is now my XH and I can see him doing something like that. He laughs when the kids do stuff and says he did much worse. That does not make me happy. I wish I could help you, but I am always the bad guy.
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Post by anxiousmom on Sept 24, 2014 12:12:00 GMT
It is hard. I have an ex, so that does make it easier in some ways. We both parent our own way in our own spaces. From time to time we have to get together to make a decision and he is way more lenient than I am, and pretty inconsistent as well.
In your case, and with something as serious as being arrested (but not world ending by any means) then you guys need to be a united front. Maybe a third party mediator would be an idea? A counselor or clergy member that could sit down with both of you and come up with a plan for consequences that would take both of your views and help you craft a plan?
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Sept 24, 2014 12:26:38 GMT
My husband and I have always been on the same page because we discuss matters, find common ground and compromise.
The fact that you both haven't been able to do this suggests that your daughter landed where she is today. Based on your post, your DH seems to give her tacit approval.
It is not that long off that she won't be living with you and frankly there isn't much you can do - it's too late. She is going to learn the hard way the consequences of her actions.
Have you suggested to him that his parenting is part of the dynamic?
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,363
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Sept 24, 2014 12:30:31 GMT
Wow, that's tough. I take it neither of you is willing to bend on your position? I agree with you that two weeks hardly seems like enough punishment for being arrested but then again, she is facing the judicial system. I obviously have no good advice to give but I do wish you luck.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Sept 24, 2014 13:48:18 GMT
I think you have to sit down apart from her and outside the heat of the moment and talk through the appropriate consequences. I wouldn't try to overturn his punishment, but I would want to add to it. Both of you need to present a united front though.
Two weeks would be an OK start for the "grounded" part of the punishment. It wouldn't fly for the whole punishment for me though. The natural consequence of getting arrested is making restitution to any injured party and paying for lawyer fees, court costs, etc. She made some kind of grownup decision that got her in grownup trouble and now she has to step up to fix it.
Ex-H and I always had trouble getting on the same page with punishments. He massively overreacted in the moment but never followed through. When we wrote the custody papers, I made sure they said that I got to make the final decision if we disagreed. While we were married, we should have talked about how to handle decisions where we didn't agree before a situation actually came up where we weren't on the same page.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 24, 2014 14:01:38 GMT
I wish I knew the answer to this question. My ex and I can't seem to agree on anything. He really distrusts my 14 year old DD. He is very controlling with her. She's not a bad kid but has done some typical teenager things like going places she shouldn't have been, that kind of thing. He took her phone away, in January, and still does not want to give it back and she has been so good for the past few months. I gave him the opportunity to set a time when he thinks that she could earn it back with good behavior and he said never. So I got her another phone. He's just completely unreasonable and doesn't understand how to parent a teenager at all. I honestly get sick of fighting with him. Yet, my son can literally do no wrong. Luckily, the kids are with me 90% of the time so he's got very little influence.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 6:11:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 14:22:24 GMT
How do you handle differences in parenting, especially for the big things. My husband and I have always had trouble agreeing on consequences, rules, etc. He still tries to be their friend versus me trying to be a parent. Just recently our 17 year old daughter did something and was arrested. She did not go to jail but has upcoming court dates. He grounded her for two weeks and that's it. I was thinking much more than that, of course. I know we should agree on how to raise the kids but we just don't, so what do you do when you just can't? This is a question that should have been asked at 17 months. By 17 years you have an established pattern of your own making. Your dd knows how each of you will react/act. That said, what punishment do you think is appropriate? I don't see two weeks of grounding he gave her plus the judicial stuff as being her friend. Is a month of grounding going to make a bigger impact on her (not likely)? Six months or a year of grounding/ extra chores aren't likely to change her behavior either. I do believe it is possible to over punish so that the punishment ends up having no effect on the child. |
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