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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 27, 2018 2:31:22 GMT
I loved my parents very much and miss them terribly. That being said, my parenting style is to do the opposite of what they would do. My childhood was like a house of mirrors and there were too many traumas both outside and inside the home to list. My mother wanted to give us a really happy childhood, but she lived in a fantasy world and it wasn't based in any reality. We were punished if we were sad or angry. Tears were never allowed. My father was a whole book in itself. It was unpredictable, scary and strange w/o boundaries. My grandfather was also in the mix and he was a horrible person.
My kids live in the real world. I'm direct and honest and fair and gentle and firm. We have a firm line and if it's crossed we all know. My boys are in college and they both will tell you that they had a very consistent childhood. I never reassure them falsely. They always know that cringe factor or not I'm gonna be really honest with them. Life isn't fair or tidy, but it can be full of love and laughter. I'm their soft place to land and we're very close, but I'm also the long arm of the law, too.
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843 
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Post by pridemom on Oct 27, 2018 15:16:21 GMT
I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I was the care taker for my younger brothers from the age of 8. I had to clean the house, do laundry for everybody, cook, and babysit while Mom worked or drank at the bar or went to coffee. It sucked.
I raised my kids to be responsible for themselves, not to clean up after each other. Chores are distributed evenly, even for my daughter with health issues. My oldest daughter thought her life was rough, now she thanks us. She had a horrible room mate and the two of them first shared the basement of the room mate’s parents’ home. That was horrible for dd, but glorious for me because she learned how good her family really was. Now she is roommates with her big brother.
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Post by tentoes on Oct 27, 2018 17:03:46 GMT
I'm so sorry so many of you had bad experiences growing up. I'm hoping you all can do a better job with your own children. I think that is probably a goal for all of us! I had a pretty "normal" upbringing. Had an alcoholic father, and a mother that protected us from that reality. I thought everybody had a father like mine. I loved him dearly in spite of his alcoholism. My mom and dad fought a lot--mostly about the money issue. He was very generous and sometimes (a lot of times) came home without a paycheck because he spent it all before he got home with it. My mom did a great job making us think this was all "normal."
My dad died from a massive heart attack in his early 40's. They had been married for 20 years. My mom took got a job when my dad died so she could take care of my sister and I, even though her heart was breaking. She loved him dearly, even through the hard times. I didn't realize until I was married that my father was an alcoholic. I remember calling her after I was married and had two children and asking her if he had been an alcoholic and she answered "We don't need to go there now, he's not here. We don't want to talk unkindly about him." That was my mom. I'm not sure if she just didn't want to believe that herself, or if she thought she was still protecting me! He WAS a wonderful dad in spite of his drinking. The one thing I learned, though, was that I didn't want to ever touch alcohol, and that has been my life. I think I read that people may have that gene, and I didn't want to awaken it.
I raised my children in a loving home, and I'm sure I made many mistakes along the way-like everybody else. Thankfully, they are all happily married, and all turned out to be loving parents themselves in spite of my mistakes, so I'm thankful for that.
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Post by Belia on Oct 27, 2018 17:47:08 GMT
I tell my kids I love them all the time. I tell them I am proud of them, and try to really notice them.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
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Post by julie5 on Oct 27, 2018 17:56:16 GMT
Do: I try to be supportive no matter how out there their ideas are (my youngest thinks he’s going to be a huge k pop star). Let them have their own social lives. Let them have secrets from me. Let them have the full range of emotions.
Don’t do: don’t let other people hit them. Don’t let them be a witness to my sex life. (That’s pretty f*cking scarring for a child, just sayin). Make them adhere to gender stereotypes. Don’t keep them from their dad and I try not to trash talk him too much. They’re all old enough to have figured out his faults and why I left.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
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Post by julie5 on Oct 27, 2018 17:57:34 GMT
I tell my kids I love them all the time. I tell them I am proud of them, and try to really notice them. That really goes a long way.  |
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Post by KelleeM on Oct 27, 2018 19:16:22 GMT
I told my kids I was proud of them a lot. I am the sixth of seven kids and was the first in my family...all of my family, ever, to graduate from college. Never once did I hear my parents say they were proud of me. It still hurts and I’m 56.
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Post by Merge on Oct 27, 2018 23:37:30 GMT
We didn’t travel growing up. It was just car trips to visit my mom’s family, which usually meant me as the oldest babysitting my two aunts’ 11 kids (not exaggerating) while mom caught up with her sisters.
My kids have actually traveled more at 15 and 17 than I had by the age of 40.
My parents were very religious. Our family is not religious. My parents had extreme expectations around “purity” for their daughters and the only thing I heard about sex was that I didn’t need to know anything about it until I was married. That is NOT how my daughters are being raised.
All that said, my parents were very supportive of our school and extra curricular activities, came to concerts and games, and drove us around as needed. My parents were not very demonstrative, but I had a safe, secure and generally happy childhood with two parents who loved each other and us. I’ve tried to give my kids the same.
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