RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jan 12, 2019 20:02:01 GMT
I share my birthday with my MIL. She is exactly 25 years older than I am, and she turns 75 this year. FIL's birthday is the week before and turns 80. At Christmas, we were at their house with two other elderly friends of theirs, and MIL and FIL were in the kitchen. In the lounge we were talking about birthdays and one of the friends asked me whether I liked a fuss on my birthday. I, like a fool, thought she was talking generally, and answered no... (short pause) but I don't have a choice (laugh). She said why? I said because I share it (rueful smile, shrug). She said oh I see, and that was the end of that conversation. MIL and FIL heard, I know. Today DH pointed out to me that she was actually asking whether I wanted a hall booked, with balloons and food and all my friends invited  (goodness NO) and told me that I had come across as hard-done-by and ungrateful. I had no idea, and definitely had no intention of that. I was simply giving a truthful answer. I always do what MIL wants for our birthday, and that's OK. His family is all local so we always get together for a meal or party for FIL, then a week later another "do" for MIL. She would have a separate "do" for me, but 2 "dos" are already one "do" too many for me! She's the kindest person in the world and wouldn't have me left out even if I wanted to, and I want to keep everyone happy so I just get on with it. It's not a problem, even though it isn't my choice. But I can't get DH to see my point, that it makes no difference what I want for my birthday. He insists that I have a choice. How? If I would prefer to stay at home in my pjs with him while the rest of the family goes out for a meal, that means he doesn't see his mother on her birthday which isn't fair on any of them so I wouldn't enjoy the evening in anyway. That's not a choice, it's an obligation. Should I apologise to them for how I sounded? |
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Post by teach4u on Jan 12, 2019 20:12:37 GMT
I thi ink it’s weird you have to see yourmil every birthday.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Jan 12, 2019 20:14:21 GMT
I personally don't see where you've messed up, and I get you, even if your husband doesn't.
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rodeomom
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Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Jan 12, 2019 20:19:18 GMT
No, I don't think you did anything to apologise for, all you did was tell the truth. You are entitled to your feeling. What I would do is just let it go and go on like always. If that's what you want to do. I think it's ok for you to sometimes have your birthday the way you want. If you want to stay home some years you should and DH should stay with you. Do don't have to have every year the way your mil wants. Compromise.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jan 12, 2019 20:20:55 GMT
I don’t understand how you messed up and I also don’t understand why you always have to co-celebrate your birthdays.
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wellway
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Jan 12, 2019 20:21:23 GMT
When is the last time you and your dh did what you wanted to do on your birthday? Because if the answer is nearly as long as you have been married then you are hard done by.
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Post by phoenixcov on Jan 12, 2019 20:22:40 GMT
What about a Birthday lunch then home for an evening in with DH?
Husband gets to see both of his ladies on their special day. Win win.
As to an apology I don`t think I would as it just drags the situation out even further and you didn`t do anything wrong at all.
Good luck and I hope you manage to work things out.
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Post by ~summer~ on Jan 12, 2019 20:25:46 GMT
What is it you would apologize for?
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paget
Drama Llama
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Jan 12, 2019 20:37:23 GMT
I’m trying to figure out what “hard done by” means- never heard it before.
And I get you. I hate a fuss for my birthday.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 12, 2019 20:42:24 GMT
I don't think you've said anything you need to apologize for and think your DH is discounting your feelings.
In fairness to him, if you've always gone along with the program and never expressed you don't want to have a birthday dinner (shared or not) it was probably a shock and surprise for him and your in-laws and they may be feeling a bit foolish and not sure how to go forward.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 12, 2019 20:43:13 GMT
I’m trying to figure out what “hard done by” means- never heard it before. And I get you. I hate a fuss for my birthday. feeling sorry for yourself/treated unfairly |
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carhoch
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Post by carhoch on Jan 12, 2019 20:49:27 GMT
You are not less important and she is ! Why don’t you make a compromise with her ,one year you do whatever she wants and the next year you do whatever you want . Ps I also share a birthday with my mother-in-law  |
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Jan 12, 2019 20:49:32 GMT
Stay home in your pjs while your husband takes his mother out for breakfast or lunch. Then he can hang with you the rest of the day doing what would make you happy and maybe the two of you go out to dinner to celebrate.
Do you always celebrate on the exact day? Do you ever move it to the weekend? Hang out with her on the Saturday before, celebrate you on the Saturday after.
I don't know. This doesn't seem like a big deal or a hard compromise at all. But I am not a huge birthday celebrator and I know they mean more to some people than they do to me.
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Post by elaine on Jan 12, 2019 20:49:51 GMT
I wouldn’t expect my grown children to spend my birthday with me every year.
Do what YOU want for your 50th birthday. Your Dh can celebrate her birthday with his mother, if he feels the need, the day/weekend before or after.
There is no reason to apologize, nor feel guilty about wanting a celebration of your choosing for just you and Dh.
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Post by kernriver on Jan 12, 2019 20:54:46 GMT
We have always been flexible about when to celebrate birthdays. Why not plan a special dinner with husband some time near your birthday. Who cares if it’s on the actual day.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 20, 2024 6:10:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2019 21:06:41 GMT
Should I apologise to them for how I sounded? I really don't see anything to apologise for either, but it is never a bad thing to be the bigger person and ask someone to forgive you for whatever it is that she thinks you did or said. I did that once to my In laws...but I really did have a bad attitude. |
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Post by gar on Jan 12, 2019 21:26:56 GMT
I suspect that this joint celebrating thing just crept up gradually and there never was an actual decision to always celebrate together? Maybe they were a bit taken aback but now perhaps you could say that actually, it would be nice to do something with justnyour Dh. I certainly don’t expect to see my adult children on my birthday, and even more so not every year!
Talk to him again, suggest alternatives...I’m sure he’s a reasonable man really 🙂
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Jan 12, 2019 21:29:44 GMT
Do you always celebrate on the exact day? Do you ever move it to the weekend? Hang out with her on the Saturday before, celebrate you on the Saturday after. I don't know. This doesn't seem like a big deal or a hard compromise at all. But I am not a huge birthday celebrator and I know they mean more to some people than they do to me. These were my thoughts exactly regarding the co-celebration. To answer your question, it might not hurt to say that you did not intend to sound ungrateful or misused, and you're very sorry if that's how you sounded. The problem is that if you DO feel misused and ungrateful (which you may do, since it feels like an obligation), that may have come through in your tone or expression, and any apology will sound phony. If that's the case, I'd not prolong everything by bringing it up. |
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azredhead
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Post by azredhead on Jan 12, 2019 21:45:52 GMT
I don't like they are making you feel bad about it. You should be able to tell them what you want to do for your own birthday and Dh should understand or at least acknowladge your feelings on the matter. Even if you have seperate celebrations. That sucks. I understand family dynamics make things complicated. It's one of the main reasons we moved and we don't have kids. But my MIL ran stuff and expected it the same as yours. But there is still room as others suggest to compromise and just explain your frustration to MIL and DH. but I certainly wouldn't apologize for how you feel about it.
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twinsmomfla99
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Post by twinsmomfla99 on Jan 12, 2019 21:52:17 GMT
I would explain it this way:
“Do I want a big fuss for my birthday? No.
Do I have a choice? No, when we celebrate MIL’s birthday, she makes sure I am included in the celebration. And I truly appreciate that you and the rest of the family makes sure I feel celebrated and loved that day. “No choice” means I’m going to get birthday wishes whether I “want” them or not. It doesn’t mean I resent the celebration. It just means that if I didn’t share a birthday, I would never want a party. I’m sorry if I did not express that well, and I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone.”
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 12, 2019 22:04:08 GMT
Since this birthday includes milestone years for both of you, I suspect MIL thought it would be a good idea to celebrate big. In our extended family, people want to celebrate milestone years and events. For me, I don't. I turned fifty and retired within 48 hours and said no party for either. I met my good coworkers for dinner one evening and that was plenty for me. Many people in the family didn't get it. I might ask your sweet MIL if SHE wants a party and go with what she wants for this one. Seventy-five is an accomplishment.  . Then tell your hubby that you want him to take you out for dinner with just the two of you later. |
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RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jan 12, 2019 22:06:22 GMT
I would explain it this way: “Do I want a big fuss for my birthday? No. Do I have a choice? No, when we celebrate MIL’s birthday, she makes sure I am included in the celebration. And I truly appreciate that you and the rest of the family makes sure I feel celebrated and loved that day. “No choice” means I’m going to get birthday wishes whether I “want” them or not. It doesn’t mean I resent the celebration. It just means that if I didn’t share a birthday, I would never want a party. I’m sorry if I did not express that well, and I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone.”  That is exactly it - thank you. Thank you all for validating my feelings. It really never has been a problem in the past, but with this one being my 50th and "only" MIL's 75th, they feel I ought to do something special and I don't want to. We're going on holiday over DH's birthday later in the year, and that will be our celebration of my birthday, and or 25 years together and or our 20th wedding anniversary. Just the two of us. I just got piqued that DH seemed unable to understand that this birthday thing is something that I can never escape from, even if I did feel strongly about it. |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 12, 2019 22:08:25 GMT
Ugh. Sharing a birthday with anybody else in my same family would really, really suck. There, I said it. Especially since I’m the type who really doesn’t like or want a big “thing” where I’m the center of attention, and especially if the other person always does, and always gets their way. I would hate that with the heat of a thousand suns, honestly. I’m perfectly happy to stay home and do my own thing and go out or have dinner with my own nuclear family of three. The most I would want would maybe be one other couple, but really, that’s it. So to have some big thing with all of my extended family there every.single.year? No. Just no. And yes I would be resentful if I had to spend every one of MY birthdays that way.
FWIW, I wouldn’t care about attending MIL’s thing to celebrate her. I just wouldn’t want to be dragged into it as a co-honoree. I would rather celebrate my own birthday at another time, even if it was on a different day if that makes sense.
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Country Ham
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Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jan 12, 2019 22:14:38 GMT
you are right you messed up. You offered up extra information that was negative. The minute you added "I have no choice" and then further added "because I share it" you not so passive aggressively made your mother in law very aware how you haven't liked your joint celebrations. This year being milestone birthdays of 75 and 50 and you did hurt her feelings even if you never meant to. Since you said you have a good relationship so I am sure you will work through it.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 12, 2019 22:17:41 GMT
you are right you messed up. You offered up extra information that was negative. The minute you added "I have no choice" and then further added "because I share it" you not so passive aggressively made your mother in law very aware how you haven't liked your joint celebrations. This year being milestone birthdays of 75 and 50 and you did hurt her feelings even if you never meant to. Since you said you have a good relationship so I am sure you will work through it. I think the ones who messed up are those who just assumed she always wanted to celebrate that way without ever actually ASKING her before this! I think since she has graciously put up with it for all these years without ever saying anything, we should give her a pass on this one. |
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lurkyloo
Full Member
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Dec 5, 2018 6:53:08 GMT
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Post by lurkyloo on Jan 12, 2019 22:21:45 GMT
You can apologize, not for not loving birthday parties, but for never speaking up all these years and being honest. You could say, “I’m sorry I never expressed before how I don’t like being the center of attention on my birthday. I didn’t want to hurt any feelings or seem ungrateful.”
I don’t think you did anything wrong; I think the obligation started getting to you and the exasperation came out in your words a bit.
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RedSquirrelUK
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Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Jan 12, 2019 22:39:51 GMT
you are right you messed up. You offered up extra information that was negative. The minute you added "I have no choice" and then further added "because I share it" you not so passive aggressively made your mother in law very aware how you haven't liked your joint celebrations. This year being milestone birthdays of 75 and 50 and you did hurt her feelings even if you never meant to. Since you said you have a good relationship so I am sure you will work through it. That's what DH said. I feel really bad, because it absolutely was not my intention to be passive aggressive, only honest. It was the end of a long day visiting, it was our anniversary which should have been DH's and mine not spent with his family and their friends. I had a cold and was feeling rotten and exhausted, I was driving when everyone else was drinking - yes, I did feel resentful of life in general at that time. I will have a talk with MIL and FIL when I see them next and apologise. I love them both dearly and would never intentionally hurt them. |
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likescarrots
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Post by likescarrots on Jan 12, 2019 23:03:52 GMT
you are right you messed up. You offered up extra information that was negative. The minute you added "I have no choice" and then further added "because I share it" you not so passive aggressively made your mother in law very aware how you haven't liked your joint celebrations. This year being milestone birthdays of 75 and 50 and you did hurt her feelings even if you never meant to. Since you said you have a good relationship so I am sure you will work through it. That's what DH said. I feel really bad, because it absolutely was not my intention to be passive aggressive, only honest. It was the end of a long day visiting, it was our anniversary which should have been DH's and mine not spent with his family and their friends. I had a cold and was feeling rotten and exhausted, I was driving when everyone else was drinking - yes, I did feel resentful of life in general at that time. I will have a talk with MIL and FIL when I see them next and apologise. I love them both dearly and would never intentionally hurt them. You don't need to apologize. Country Ham is wrong, don't listen to her. And your family (husband and his family) should stop taking your flexibility for granted and realize that you are a human being who actually has feelings and would like to be able to make the decision once in a while. |
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Post by annabella on Jan 12, 2019 23:08:03 GMT
What a nightmare to have the same birthday as your MIL who lives in your town who you have to celebrate with every year. I would hate it. It doesn't sound like it bothers you. I would find a way around it every year. If she celebrates on the weekend, I would celebrate with just my friends on a weeknight or vice versa and not invite her.
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psiluvu
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Post by psiluvu on Jan 12, 2019 23:16:09 GMT
That's what DH said. I feel really bad, because it absolutely was not my intention to be passive aggressive, only honest. It was the end of a long day visiting, it was our anniversary which should have been DH's and mine not spent with his family and their friends. I had a cold and was feeling rotten and exhausted, I was driving when everyone else was drinking - yes, I did feel resentful of life in general at that time. I will have a talk with MIL and FIL when I see them next and apologise. I love them both dearly and would never intentionally hurt them. You don't need to apologize. Country Ham is wrong, don't listen to her. And your family (husband and his family) should stop taking your flexibility for granted and realize that you are a human being who actually has feelings and would like to be able to make the decision once in a while. So you get to "celebrate" your anniversary by taking care of a bunch of drinkers and your birthday the same way?? That is crazy. I am totally validating you. Stand up for yourself and celebrate how YOU want to. I can't imagine celebrating my anniversary with anyone other than DH though so I may be totally off base |
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. Then tell your hubby that you want him to take you out for dinner with just the two of you later. 
That is exactly it - thank you.
