pancakes
Pearl Clutcher
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Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on Feb 20, 2019 14:29:21 GMT
We aren’t pregnant, but we will probably start trying in a couple of months.
Neither of our sets of parents are dying to be grandparents (meaning they don’t ever ask us when we plan to have kids...ever) but we know they will all be happy when they hear the news.
For those of you who made pregnancy plans: Did you tell your parents when you started to TRY? Or did you just wait and surprise them when you were successfully pregnant?
(Also to be clear, I’m not talking about sending out announcements or some kind of grand gesture. I’m talking about just letting your parents know verbally. Like here’s a heads up, ha)
Side note: I guess I am making such a big deal out of this because for years my parents didn’t even want us to get married yet (we’ve been together since undergrad) — they liked my now husband just fine, but they were worried about my career...and still are. I’m 31, nbd. But my parents are the ones who sent me to Saturday math class and made me study for SATs in middle school, etc etc...so they are very career oriented.
They’re not idiots and know we’ve been married for almost 3 years now. So I’m sure they know it’s coming, but I guess I just want to make a plan to tell them at some point. And figure out how to do it.
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Post by gar on Feb 20, 2019 14:33:09 GMT
We certainly didn't announce we were 'trying'...that seems a bit odd to me. It could take a while and then you get the questions...I just don't see the point. It's your decision, your life and they will either be pleased or hesitant or disapprove.
As you say, they're not idiots so probably assume it'll happen at some point so I'm not sure what you'll achieve by telling them in advance of anything happening.
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pancakes
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,992
Feb 4, 2015 6:49:53 GMT
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Post by pancakes on Feb 20, 2019 14:38:37 GMT
We certainly didn't announce we were 'trying'...that seems a bit odd to me. It could take a while and then you get the questions...I just don't see the point. It's your decision, your life and they will either be pleased or hesitant or disapprove. As you say, they're not idiots so probably assume it'll happen at some point so I'm not sure what you'll achieve by telling them in advance of anything happening. No it’s more like almost everyone I know who is pregnant or trying had parents who knew they were trying to get pregnant. And probably because they talk to their parents frequently about a lot of stuff and it’s just another update in their lives. I guess I don’t even know how to broach that conversation. 😂 I’m just hoping to get ideas here.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Feb 20, 2019 14:39:31 GMT
I wouldn't announce you are trying. That would feel awkward to me.
You could send out pretty pregnancy announcements. I sent mine and I was 5 months, because that's when I felt secure that the pregnancy would be healthy.
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Anita
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Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Feb 20, 2019 14:43:52 GMT
Honestly, it's nobody's business that you're trying. Not even your parents. I'd just announce when you are successful. Their response might surprise you!
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Post by shamrock on Feb 20, 2019 14:47:53 GMT
We didn’t tell either side that we were trying. In fact MIL had been told years before that if she ever mentioned it again we would choose NOT to have kids. Let’s just say she was pressuring us for grandkids before we were even married. The only people I ever reallly knew for sure were trying were those that were having difficulty and seeking medical help.
To tell my parents we made them a little shadow box that had a baby footprint stamp and said the due date. For our 2nd child we had our son wear a big brother T-shirt- so original I know LOL! A cute way friends announced was they put a big brother shirt on their dog. Took everyone awhile to notice and made for a good laugh.
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Post by bigbundt on Feb 20, 2019 14:48:28 GMT
We let our parents know we were interested in having kids at some point but didn't say anything to them once we actually decided to start trying. But we also got pregnant quickly so I guess it never came up. I didn't even tell my parents about my miscarriage. Maybe if we were trying a long time I would have said something in frustration just in everyday conversation. But an announcement? No.
My parents and in-laws are QUITE opinionated and I've learned over the years if I talk to them about decision or something before is is done, they think they have some say so. These days I simply announce once everything is done and decided. It is wonderful that other people have such supportive and non-invasive parents to share everything with but that is not my reality. My parents will expect to have a say and will get mad if I don't do exactly as they think.
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Post by pattyraindrops on Feb 20, 2019 14:55:10 GMT
I have never asked my son and DIL about their plans and I never will ask any of my children. I don't want them to feel pressure and they are/will be adults and that is their own business.
I wouldn't announce that you are trying. Unless you are having a struggle to conceive I always find that odd to announce.
With my oldest we didn't plan to announce the pregnancy for awhile, but I had so many complications early on that dealt with my type 1 diabetes and low blood sugar that with subsequent pregnancies we announced it early for safety reasons. I think that is a real personal choice. Some people don't want to deal with questions after a loss. Others really want support through it all. So you have to figure out where you feel and recognize that may change if a loss happens.
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Deleted
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Apr 17, 2024 21:51:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 15:07:44 GMT
When I was 12 weeks pregnant with dd dh and I got a gift bag that was pink with blue tissue paper and put a bottle inside. We took it to my parents for them to open and they made the connection lol
For ds at dinner with my parents dh said outloud "sure is going to be a special Valentine's day next year..." lol We said something when we found out as I was having issues from the get go and I didn't want to go it alone with just dh.
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ellen
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Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
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Post by ellen on Feb 20, 2019 15:09:34 GMT
We never told anyone we were trying. We didn't really tell anyone until I was about 12 weeks into each pregnancy.
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Post by camanddanismom on Feb 20, 2019 15:13:14 GMT
You describe my parents to a T! Mine never asked, were obsessed with what I was going to do because they (my mom really) wanted something to brag about. I met my DH in college and we didn’t get married until I was 27. I had my first child at 39. My mom had big hang ups about her age and REALLY didn’t want to be a grandmother.
We didn’t say anything at all until we were pregnant.
She ended up loving the role of grandmother!
She was a tough one. When we had kid 1, I quit my career in finance and we moved out of the city so I could stay home and DH could focus on his career. She HATED that!! And she hated that I scrapbooked. Felt it was a complete waste of time. Geez mom. It’s a hobby, not a job!! She passed away when DS was 5 and 2.
Best of luck!!
Ps...I should have mentioned tha DHs parents (mother) was the polar opposite. She asked me at his college graduation when we were going to have kids!!! (We didn’t even get married until 6 years later!) and after we told them, I mentioned off hand once that she would be the perfect grandmother if she didn’t smoke and she quit!!!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Feb 20, 2019 15:16:18 GMT
I would say you’re lucky that they’re not pressuring you about it, a lot of couples get all kinds of obnoxious comments almost from the get go and it can add a lot of unnecessary stress. We were lucky that neither set of parents bugged us about it but I have friends whose parents were already saying stuff at their weddings about hoping there would be a grandkid before the first anniversary. Who does that? Anyway, to answer your question, I personally wouldn’t say anything to anyone who absolutely didn’t need to know until I was past the first trimester, especially if you’re over 30. DH and I were 40 when we were ready to stop preventing so that gave us added incentive to not say anything. It took two years, I ended up miscarrying at 6 weeks and I was so glad we hadn’t really told anyone. It would have been hard having to tell everyone we’d lost it. Thankfully we were able to try again right away, and we told my mom and most of my family a little past the first trimester mark at Thanksgiving and we waited until Christmas (another couple weeks) to tell DH’s family so we would avoid being the centerpiece of her awful annual Christmas letter, ugh. For my mom, we knew we were getting together with a bunch of my family at Thanksgiving so I filled up a little baby bottle with pink, blue and white Jelly Bellies and added a tag that said, “You have one more little thing to be thankful for this year!” I wrapped it up and gave it to my mom. She had Alzheimer’s though so she didn’t quite get it right away but everyone else did. Her reaction was cute when she realized what we were telling her. For DH’s family, it was Christmas so I got his mom a flip photo album on a little table stand and added a bunch of random photos of DH and me. At the very end of the photos of us, I included a couple of our first ultrasound photos which I thought would be fairly obvious since it had a recent date and MY name on them. But in spite of being incredibly book smart, they were all pretty clueless wondering why there was U/S photos of SIL’s kids in our photo album? Maybe because it’s OUR baby, duh? Yeah, they’re not the sharpest tools in the shed, LOL.
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Post by gar on Feb 20, 2019 15:16:43 GMT
I wanted to add that now as my DD is married with a son, I'm not sure I would have wanted to know when they were trying specifically. What do I then do with that information? I adore my grandson and I would love for there to be no. 2 but the only reason I think that I might know when this is on the cards is because their first child was premature and DD and I have had a lot of conversations about how this affected her, how scary it was at the time etc etc and how/when/if she'll be ready to go through the possibility of that again.
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Post by Rainy_Day_Woman on Feb 20, 2019 15:18:34 GMT
Given how you described your parents, I wouldn't tell them until you were pregnant. If there was SAT prep in middle school, I feel like they might question the decision (is this the right time? Maybe wait until you make this promotion? Etc...) and that might stress you out or make you double guess yourself And that just isn't needed. Best of luck!
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Post by ExpatBackHome on Feb 20, 2019 15:20:14 GMT
I would not tell them until you were 12 weeks along. We didn’t want kids for a long time and didn’t say anything until I was 12 weeks. I’m glad because I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks before my first son. I like to keep things private between my husband and I. For our second we didn’t tell until we were 16 weeks along. Again, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks before getting pregnant with my second.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Feb 20, 2019 15:24:09 GMT
I wouldn't announce you were trying. For one thing, it's a visual most parents would probably rather not have! Also, if you have difficulty conceiving I can imagine it would get old having people questioning you all the time as well as giving loads of unsolicited advice. We waited over 10 years (by choice) before having DD. I've told her that she will never hear me ask her if/when she plans to have children because I heard that enough for the both of us. I have to admire your parents for not saying anything. They probably realize that the decision is yours and they have no input into it.
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 20, 2019 15:28:09 GMT
I would not assume they aren't interested, because they don't ask. I try to keep healthy boundaries with my adult children and would never ask.
I was thrilled to be grandma!
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Post by bigbundt on Feb 20, 2019 15:32:32 GMT
We announced our first pregnancy at 12 weeks. Happened to be around Christmas so we gave "bun the oven" ornaments to the parents. With the second, I was so sick in the beginning that my mom figured it quickly out so I just told her in a normal phone conversation. I honestly don't remember when or how we ended up telling the in-laws. But nothing was said to the parents until after the point of no return.
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caangel
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Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Feb 20, 2019 15:34:10 GMT
Our parents were not told until we were in or close to the 2nd trimester. I have a summer first baby so I made calendars for Christmas and highlighted the due date and had the ultrasound photos. For the second we did the "big brother shirt" at Thanksgiving and a balloon. DS was 18 months so he loved the balloon! 😋
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paigepea
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Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Feb 20, 2019 15:34:55 GMT
From the moment we got married dh expressed concern about telling his parents we were pregnant because then they’d know - well you know. 😉
We waited until about 10 weeks with number 1. With number 2 I experienced a couple of miscarriages beforehand so when number 2 hit there was some concern. I told my mom early on so that she could support me because I was given a 50% chance of miscarriage again. I never told them when we were trying. TMI.
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Deleted
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Apr 17, 2024 21:51:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 16:02:42 GMT
My husband’s parents had grandchild as old as my husband, that they already despised. So we really never told them until the babies were here.
My mother was a fucking basket case. She was sort of okay with our son, but when we told her about daughter she screamed,how could you have another one, and hung up. Her sister called me 3 days later asking what I had said to my mother. It seems that they had to take her to the doctor for meds because she couldn’t stop crying hysterically. She did come stay with us when I had daughter....but that is a whole other angry thread.
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Post by bc2ca on Feb 20, 2019 16:19:15 GMT
We didn't say anything to anyone. Because of my age when we married, we had a few people tell us we needed to try right away. My first sibling to get married told her in-laws and my parents that they weren't going to think about kids for at least 10 years, so don't ask. Careers and grad school were their priorities. We didn't say anything to anyone until about 15 weeks with DD when we shared an ultrasound. We did let MIL know I was pregnant with DS very early. She wouldn't be in the country when we planned to share the news and was still grieving deeply after FIL's death.
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Post by maryland on Feb 20, 2019 16:33:10 GMT
Our parents were great about not asking a thing about kids! We told them at 12 weeks and only after we heard the heartbeat (our kids are 21, 19 and 15). They had no clue we were planning to have kids (we never talked about it with anyone) so they were surprised!
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Deleted
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Apr 17, 2024 21:51:45 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2019 16:36:55 GMT
We always waited until the second trimester before we told our parents.
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Post by maryland on Feb 20, 2019 16:46:26 GMT
I wouldn't announce you were trying. For one thing, it's a visual most parents would probably rather not have! Also, if you have difficulty conceiving I can imagine it would get old having people questioning you all the time as well as giving loads of unsolicited advice. We waited over 10 years (by choice) before having DD. I've told her that she will never hear me ask her if/when she plans to have children because I heard that enough for the both of us. I have to admire your parents for not saying anything. They probably realize that the decision is yours and they have no input into it. I too would never ask my daughters if or when they plan to have kids. I will be happy with whatever they decide!
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Post by Basket1lady on Feb 20, 2019 16:49:08 GMT
Well, #1 was a fertility baby that took seven years to get here, with 2 1/2 years of intervention. So they knew we were trying, but never asked specifically. We did tell everyone right away because I wanted them to know if we lost the baby. I wanted that support. Also, there were so many appointments and such, they would have worried it was something worse.
OP, I probably wouldn’t say anything to your parents just yet.
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Post by gillyp on Feb 20, 2019 16:56:23 GMT
I wouldn’t want to know that my kids were/are trying. I don’t need to be privy to that. I was delighted to know each time a baby was on the way but I never asked beforehand if they had any plans for a family. Maybe I’d feel differently if I’d had daughters but I don’t want to be seen as the mother who is always on their backs, asking for information that they might not want to share.
If they’d needed medical help then I imagine I’d want to know in order to offer support and empathy but they were lucky to not.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Feb 20, 2019 16:58:33 GMT
DH talks to his mom weekly. Way back when we were trying he told his parents because he asked for advice on what steps to take to make it easier (MIL is a nurse). But that was the norm for their relationship. I didn’t tell my mom until I was pregnant because that’s how our relationship works.
I wouldn’t assume your parents aren’t interested, but you would know that better than we would. Don’t worry what other people do, do what’s right for you.
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pilcas
Pearl Clutcher
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Aug 14, 2015 21:47:17 GMT
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Post by pilcas on Feb 20, 2019 17:15:04 GMT
We took my parents and MIL out to dinner and announced the happy news but just for the first one.
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Jili
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 1:26:48 GMT
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Post by Jili on Feb 20, 2019 17:30:50 GMT
We didn't tell either set of parents until I passed the first trimester. I did tell my mom when I had a miscarriage, though-- right at the end of the first trimester. We certainly did not tell them that we were trying and I doubt that any of them would have wanted to know that. It's just information that was not their business and they did not need.
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