How to keep my mouth shut re: niece's behavior?

I think this kind of is what I was trying to say.  Niece is NOT some hooligan who doesn't know how to act.  DH and I took her on a cruise just the two of us and she was fine.  We go shopping and hang out and it's all so easy-breezy.  Same when it's just my SIL and me.  But when the two of them are together, it's just so hard to deal with.  Niece just becomes so surly and irritating and SIL just lets her run the show.  And that's irritating to me.  And I probably have a harder time dealing with it because we do not have children or really any other exposure to non-adults.  

These are my closest family and you go from enjoying their company to wanting to smack them both.  I think part of the problem is that they live out of town so while we do see them often, it's for an entire weekend, not just a couple of hours each visit.  So you're really kind of getting the "lived in" perspective.  I am just trying to navigate how to remain silent.

Thanks.  And yes, I absolutely know I was in the wrong when I said something.  Just to be clear, it was just the four of us at the table.  So, her close family.  I have only said something the one time and would certainly never say anything in public.  It's just so hard when we spend hours and hours with them and it seems like she's being so disrespectful to her mother while NOT being that way to anyone else.  I just need to figure out a way for it not to piss ME off.

First off, I adore my niece (14).  When we're together I have a great time and she is fun to be around.  But when you add her Mom to the mix (my DH's sister, whom I also love), it gets hairy and I get so irritated.   And I guess I should preface this by saying that my DH and I do not have children (by choice).  So I really, really have no business being all judgy about parenting styles.  The only experience I have with a parent/child relationship is the one between me and my parents.

Anyway, just as an example.  We were at my house and SIL had her hands full doing something.  She asked, "Niece, will you please run out to the car and get X?"  Niece was sitting on the couch reading.  Niece just said, "No."  So SIL untangles herself from her project and goes and does it herself.  Later, we are at dinner in my home and my dining room is kind of small.  So while not impossible to get through to the kitchen while everyone is sitting, it's not the easiest.  Anyway, Niece is closest to the kitchen, the meal was over and we were all just talking.  SIL asks, "Niece, will you get me some more water, please?"  Niece just says, "No."  So SIL starts to get up.  It's like an alien came over my body.  I said to Niece, "I don't know what you do at home, but when you're in THIS house, when someone asks you to do something, it's not a request."   Niece just kind of looked at me and grinned and then got up and got the water.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think parents should use their kids for slave labor, but asking your child to do something to be helpful isn't out of line.  And if it had been ME or my DH asking, Niece would have popped up without a word.  It's just her Mom lets her get away with stuff like this and, while I think I irritated my SIL by speaking up, I just could not keep quiet.   I don't want to keep getting irritated being around them at the same time.  Any thoughts or advice? 

One final thing is that my Niece turns into an idiot around her mother.  We were at a fast food place and SIL was carrying their tray to the table and said she forgot napkins. "Niece, go back and get napkins, please."  Niece responds with, "I don't know where to go" and sits down.  So SIL sits the tray down and goes back for them.  This happens a lot.  SIL says she's a typical teenager.  SILS seems to say that a lot.   But it was an Arby's and Niece is a smart girl.  Yet she didn't know where to go for napkins and I guess thought she'd get lost in the vast expanse of the restaurant.

Ugh. I have raised two girls who are just past teenagerhood. At their absolute worst, they would not have said "no" to me for those requests.

1. I think your SIL is making a mistake. While I 100% to pick and choose battles, simple respect is not one that I'd back down on. My son barely spoke from 14-16, but if I asked for something (and THAT is where I picked what I asked), he said "Yes, mom" and did it. I did not ask a ton of things, because I didn't want things to be a battle, but if he EVER - I mean freaking ever! - said no to me when we were with others, I just cannot even imagine. I honestly cannot think of what I would have done. One of my daughters' head spun 360 and still she would have done something if I asked. Mind you, I would absolutely not have asked if her head was spinning at the time.

2. You probably should not have said anything. That said, if your BIL wasn't there, I think you can speak up because you're backup, essentially. If both your SIL and BIL were there, then they have the one-two punch available and chose not to use it.

3. Respect is a big one for me, so your example hit me hard. I think it's a big mistake what the parents are doing. Either setting their daughter up to say "no" or letting her say "no" with no consequences. Stomping feet, slamming doors, anger are all things that are more "normal" for teenagers. It sounds like your niece is calm and reasoned when she says no and that would bother me, too. ALL that said, I have seen hundreds of poor parenting choices and seen those kids grow up to be great adults. I am absolutely certain that people disagreed with my parenting (but said nothing). It is hard, but you have to sit back.

FWIW if she ever does that to you, you can say what you need to say.
Good luck. It is most likely she will be absolutely fine.

I have 2 nieces around the same age. They try pulling this crap—I call them out on it when we are around. They don’t get away with crap like that around us, in our home, or if we are at another siblings house. It’s disrespectful and lazy.

I always appreciate when my mom or my sister tells her to knock it off.

How about a lesson in kindness and being helpful? Or doing for others?

Someone mentioned that children are not slaves to be ordered around....you mentioned your house isn’t the military or ordering them around...but what about teaching your children to be kind and help one another. Or lessons in not being selfish or self serving? Or respecting their elders?

Asking someone to help them out by getting something from the car while you’re otherwise tied up is not ordering someone around. Neither is asking the closest person to the kitchen in a tight dining room situation if they can get them a glass of water.

We don’t teach ours to be doormats or slaves to others, but being kind and helping others is high on the priority list.

My SIL and BIL have been separated/divorced for a couple of years and I have no knowledge of their interactions.   Niece did tell me over the summer that she didn’t like spending the weekends over there because her Dad is more strict than her Mom.  I can’t believe that her Dad would allow that sort of behavior, either toward him OR toward her mother.