tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,363
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Apr 12, 2019 22:07:12 GMT
Nope, if they don’t trust me with their child I’ll pass.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,437
Location: So Cal
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Apr 12, 2019 22:09:23 GMT
They are being ridiculous. I wouldn't accommodate those rules at all and say, nicely, that you won't be able to sit for them anymore because of their overwhelming demands.
Something like this:
"Hey can you babysit for us tomorrow?" "Sure, drop her off at my house. I have some errands to run so I'll take her with me." "You know we don't allow her to be anywhere but home." [/div][/quote] I'd start with this and end with "ok well I'd love to babysit so let me know if you ever change your mind!" that way you are not saying "no" but reinforcing that they are the ones saying "no". If they pester you to sit according to their rules I'd just reiterate that it doesn't fit my availability but if they want to bring her over, let you drive, etc you'd be happy to. That way you are showing that you do want to babysit but their rules are the problem and it is not that you don't want to babysit.
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
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Post by LeaP on Apr 12, 2019 22:24:06 GMT
I do love kids, and I want to be close to my niece. I would like to be able to take her to the park and on little outings. I know that it can be really scary to be a new mom, so I have been pretty patient, but I am at the point now where I just say no, and am starting to feel bad about it. Plus then they want to know why I can't. Another nope. When they ask you why you can't tell them you are busy peeling grapes for your own spawn
Seriously, you sound like loving aunt with buckets of common sense. One day when they are totally overwhelmed and crazy from their over the top child care regime, offer to take your niece.
Karma works in mysterious ways. My brother used to lecture me about how if I let my daughter in my bed I would never get her out. Guess who's son walked at 8 months? Guess who's son could climb out of the crib and into their bed shortly thereafter? Guess who struggled to get his son back into bed?
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,390
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Apr 12, 2019 22:24:46 GMT
I wouldnt be that accommodating to them either! If you’re already busy, and you can’t fit the sitting into your schedule, then you shouldn’t have to sit. You’re going to just have to tell them, “no, I have to take care of my own kids, they’re my first priority.”
They’re unrealistic.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Apr 12, 2019 22:25:51 GMT
I have two teens - so I completely understand the struggle there! It would just not be possible for me to help out if I couldn't take her with me when I'm schlepping my own kids around and I would bluntly say so. It really doesn't matter if their restriction is reasonable or not - it's just impossible for ME.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 9:14:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 22:25:53 GMT
Fuck no. Not even a regular no.
There is no way I would ask permission to pick up my own children or to live my life while I am doing them the big favor of babysitting their child who is apparently made of the most expensive and fragile gold in the universe.
Big fuck no.
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Post by Basket1lady on Apr 12, 2019 22:29:56 GMT
She was born last year? So she is not longer an infant? The next time they ask you to watch your niece, I’d say that you would be happy to do it, but that you have x, y, and z going on. Your niece is welcome to come along with you and the family activity. But that you just don’t have several hours to go and sit at their house. Say that the cousins would love to have her and that now that she is getting bigger and interacting with them more, it will be good for everyone.
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Post by Belia on Apr 12, 2019 22:37:50 GMT
I would only say yes to their rules if it was a situation that was 1000% convenient for me. The time they were requesting was short, I had nothing else going on, and I wouldn't be inconvenienced in any way.
Other than that, I would say no. And I would not feel bad for one second. "Sorry, that won't work for me."
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 9:14:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 22:46:50 GMT
I'm pretty sure I would have been unable to stop myself from laughing at them.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 9:14:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 22:52:15 GMT
Nope, nope, nope.
“Either you trust me to watch her or you don’t. If you trust me, then you’ll allow me to use my own judgment for how to care for her. I’ve successfully patented my own children and do not need to be micromanaged. If you don’t trust me to care for her, then me sitting for you isn’t a good idea for either of us.”
Or just, “no.”
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Apr 12, 2019 22:55:27 GMT
They are nutz with their rules.
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Post by mikewozowski on Apr 12, 2019 23:01:14 GMT
they are crazy. you are not trying to do anything unreasonable with their baby.
they are going to be out of related babysitters very soon.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 9:14:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 23:17:25 GMT
us then they want to know why I can't. Because I am busy with my family. If Precious can be dropped off here with her carseat and can fit into my family's life, then I'll be happy to HELP you out, but I can't spare the time away from my own family. I assume they knew that the grandparents didn't live nearby when they decided to have Precious. She is theirs to figure out. You are not responsible for their decisions especially to the detriment of your own children.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 12, 2019 23:20:02 GMT
Hi, I am crowd sourcing some advice here...my brother is on the 2nd family train, (he has an older child from a previous marriage, she is 25) which is fine. His wife is much younger than he is and she married into a family where there are no little kids, we all have teens. His wife is an only child. He and his wife had a baby last year and they want me to babysit, but have tons of rules and it is not really working in my life, and they are getting a little testy with me. First, with two teens I am very busy. One doesn't drive yet, so I am seemingly always at activities, etc. My brother and SIL ask me to sit and I am happy to do so for a couple hours, but they want to be gone all day. So the length of of the sitting is long. Which brings me to point #2. I have offered several times to have my niece at my house so that I can get stuff done during naptime, etc.. but they have said no. They only want her to be sat at their house. We also cannot go anywhere. Last week my son had a practice and I was supposed to babysit. I realized that I needed to run my son to his practice in the middle of when I was supposed to be sitting, so I called my brother to tell him that I would need to do that. He freaked and said my niece was not to be driven by anyone but him and my SIL, so he would find a different arrangement. He then got upset with me because no other family members were able to babysit, and they do not allow people who are not related to them to babysit her. When I do go over there to sit, I have to wash my hands before picking her up or touching any of her toys. When she is done playing with a toy, it gets washed. No tv is allowed to be on as it could damage her eyes. They only watch tv when she is napping or sleeping for the night. They would also *prefer* people were not on the phone, although they said they could not enforce that. I have raised (most of the way lol) two kids of my own. I drive them all over the place. Obviously if it was unsafe I would not take a child out, (icy, snow, etc..) but c'mon. I also have a pretty good car, nothing fancy but not an old junker. I am a mom, and know about kids. This also is not my brother's first go around, so why is he being so weird? (kind of rhetorical) How much accomodating would you do? Should I just say no all the time? I realize that "no is a complete sentence" But I keep getting asked for reasons that I say no....plus the guilt...
Thanks for the advice. I can't believe with all those rules and restrictions they are even comfortable leaving her all day. The reason for saying no is easy. Your kids are your first priority. Being away all day means you have to find someone else to cover your own kids' needs so you can't help brother all day unless there is flexibility to take the child along with you.
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Apr 12, 2019 23:23:08 GMT
New perspective.. no offense or assumptions about the OP....
I grew up in a house with two parents who chain smoked. Also, being in the north east.. the windows in the house were typically covered in plastic, and they only removed it from a few in the summer.. God forbid someone opened a window.
My parents chainsmoked and 25 years later my mom will still tell you that she quit cleaning because “no one appreciated it.”
I moved away (military) and still visited from time to time. It wasn’t til then that I noticed the yellowed tacky (sticky) wall paper and the SMELL. I then started a family and we came home for his first Thanksgiving. He was 2 months old. I literally walked in, and right back out. There was absolutely NO way my kid was going in there. (He was about 12 before he set foot in that house.) I had to have a hard talk with mom (which stung terribly I’m sure.. not to mention the meal she’d prepared for) 18 years later it’s clearly a hoarder house with dog hair on the 40 year old (not exaggerating) carpet from a dog that died over 10 years ago. The place really should be condemned.
Also, my nephew is a few years older than my son. My mom would ride him around in the infant carrier in the front seat of an extended cab truck facing the windshield. (My nephew is 20 now... we all knew better.) He also would ride with them all over town with no seatbelt... AND they’d bring him to visit me 14-17-and 24 hour drives away. No seatbelt. (The ones in the truck had been tucked under the seat so a blanket could go across it to protect the seats..) Not that he’d have used them anyway.. in their truck he didn’t need to.
Since the beginning, when my parents visit me, or we go on joint trips, I 100% trusted my mom with my son at MY house (anywhere not hers) I didn’t trust her to drive him around. As he’s gotten older, he’s good about his seatbelt and dad knows he has to go through the inconvenience to dig the seatbelt out.
Now mind you, she raised 3 kids and none of us died. (Wanna see me get mad? Every time she says that it makes me sooooo angry!!)
So, maybe the OP is like my mom to some degree? Or.. maybe there are other family members that are and they are treading a fine line so they can say... we never let anyone drive her.... only at our house. I’m telling you, that convo where I told my mom my kid was not coming in her house was awful (not an argument, but I felt horrible to hurt her feelings like that.)
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Post by mustlovecats on Apr 12, 2019 23:27:31 GMT
Speaking as a person with actual diagnosed OCD, I’m just here to tell you someone in that house either has some OCD/anxiety or is headed in that direction. 100% these rules about cleanliness around the child fit into that category. Im no psychiatrist but I know what I’m talking about.
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scrappinmama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,852
Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Apr 12, 2019 23:29:57 GMT
They are being ridiculous. If they push you as to why you won't babysit, I would tell them that you can't meet their needs. If they push more, tell them their expectations are unreasonable.
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Post by snugglebutter on Apr 12, 2019 23:30:16 GMT
It sounds like it won't work out for you. Hopefully there isn't something serious triggering their choices and they will relax with time.
I can see where they are coming from with the car issue though if they don't want others installing the carseat. The guidelines for that change constantly and I wouldn't expect someone with teens to be up to date on that. If it comes down to that, ask one of them if they will install the seat in your car and give you a quick run through on how to use it.
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Post by ChicagoKTS on Apr 12, 2019 23:32:43 GMT
OMG. . . the only rule I would agree to is to return the child alive and in same condition as when they left her with you. Running with scissors is negotiable.
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Post by pierkiss on Apr 12, 2019 23:34:08 GMT
Lol!!! No freaking way. Too many rules, too much of my time spent at their house babysitting their kid.
Every once in a while sure! I’d love to. But all of that on a regular basis? Nope! Hire a babysitter and pay that person what they’re worth and then you can have all the silly ass rules you want.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,437
Location: So Cal
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Apr 12, 2019 23:35:39 GMT
New perspective.. no offense or assumptions about the OP.... I grew up in a house with two parents who chain smoked. Also, being in the north east.. the windows in the house were typically covered in plastic, and they only removed it from a few in the summer.. God forbid someone opened a window. My parents chainsmoked and 25 years later my mom will still tell you that she quit cleaning because “no one appreciated it.” I moved away (military) and still visited from time to time. It wasn’t til then that I noticed the yellowed tacky (sticky) wall paper and the SMELL. I then started a family and we came home for his first Thanksgiving. He was 2 months old. I literally walked in, and right back out. There was absolutely NO way my kid was going in there. (He was about 12 before he set foot in that house.) I had to have a hard talk with mom (which stung terribly I’m sure.. not to mention the meal she’d prepared for) 18 years later it’s clearly a hoarder house with dog hair on the 40 year old (not exaggerating) carpet from a dog that died over 10 years ago. The place really should be condemned. Also, my nephew is a few years older than my son. My mom would ride him around in the infant carrier in the front seat of an extended cab truck facing the windshield. (My nephew is 20 now... we all knew better.) He also would ride with them all over town with no seatbelt... AND they’d bring him to visit me 14-17-and 24 hour drives away. No seatbelt. (The ones in the truck had been tucked under the seat so a blanket could go across it to protect the seats..) Not that he’d have used them anyway.. in their truck he didn’t need to. Since the beginning, when my parents visit me, or we go on joint trips, I 100% trusted my mom with my son at MY house (anywhere not hers) I didn’t trust her to drive him around. As he’s gotten older, he’s good about his seatbelt and dad knows he has to go through the inconvenience to dig the seatbelt out. Now mind you, she raised 3 kids and none of us died. (Wanna see me get mad? Every time she says that it makes me sooooo angry!!) So, maybe the OP is like my mom to some degree? Or.. maybe there are other family members that are and they are treading a fine line so they can say... we never let anyone drive her.... only at our house. I’m telling you, that convo where I told my mom my kid was not coming in her house was awful (not an argument, but I felt horrible to hurt her feelings like that.) But I'm guessing you didn't get mad at her if she wouldn't babysit at your house. Your reasons are totally valid (I would have done the same thing). But I wouldn't have been upset if that then meant those family members never babysat. If I couldn't find someone to watch my kids because of restrictions I put in place then that was on me not the other person. The fact that they are upset with OP is what is so wrong. To me it shows that they don't believe their expectations are unreasonable. 🤦
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 9:14:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2019 23:37:12 GMT
How much accomodating would you do? Should I just say no all the time? I realize that "no is a complete sentence" But I keep getting asked for reasons that I say no....plus the guilt... Thanks for the advice. No guilt!! I would accomdate IF it wasn't cramping my needs/wants. Their choice to have a baby and a ton of rules is their choice. They can hire a nanny to stay at their house and live by the rules. Or they can let family do it but give family free reign to do the things they need in their homes. They either trust family or they don't. Nothing for you to feel guilty about. They have to be realistic about THEIR expectations for free services. Now, if they want to pay me $30 an hour to sit at their home and do as they want that provides me the money to hire people to do what I should have been doing at my house with my teens (house keeping services, catering, and cab services)
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 12, 2019 23:40:35 GMT
New perspective.. no offense or assumptions about the OP.... I grew up in a house with two parents who chain smoked. Also, being in the north east.. the windows in the house were typically covered in plastic, and they only removed it from a few in the summer.. God forbid someone opened a window. My parents chainsmoked and 25 years later my mom will still tell you that she quit cleaning because “no one appreciated it.” I moved away (military) and still visited from time to time. It wasn’t til then that I noticed the yellowed tacky (sticky) wall paper and the SMELL. I then started a family and we came home for his first Thanksgiving. He was 2 months old. I literally walked in, and right back out. There was absolutely NO way my kid was going in there. (He was about 12 before he set foot in that house.) I had to have a hard talk with mom (which stung terribly I’m sure.. not to mention the meal she’d prepared for) 18 years later it’s clearly a hoarder house with dog hair on the 40 year old (not exaggerating) carpet from a dog that died over 10 years ago. The place really should be condemned. Also, my nephew is a few years older than my son. My mom would ride him around in the infant carrier in the front seat of an extended cab truck facing the windshield. (My nephew is 20 now... we all knew better.) He also would ride with them all over town with no seatbelt... AND they’d bring him to visit me 14-17-and 24 hour drives away. No seatbelt. (The ones in the truck had been tucked under the seat so a blanket could go across it to protect the seats..) Not that he’d have used them anyway.. in their truck he didn’t need to. Since the beginning, when my parents visit me, or we go on joint trips, I 100% trusted my mom with my son at MY house (anywhere not hers) I didn’t trust her to drive him around. As he’s gotten older, he’s good about his seatbelt and dad knows he has to go through the inconvenience to dig the seatbelt out. Now mind you, she raised 3 kids and none of us died. (Wanna see me get mad? Every time she says that it makes me sooooo angry!!) So, maybe the OP is like my mom to some degree? Or.. maybe there are other family members that are and they are treading a fine line so they can say... we never let anyone drive her.... only at our house. I’m telling you, that convo where I told my mom my kid was not coming in her house was awful (not an argument, but I felt horrible to hurt her feelings like that.) I could see that if they weren't asking her to babysit and she was requesting to babysit. I also have several friends who are young moms and one sounds like this SIL.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Apr 12, 2019 23:42:05 GMT
You have gotten a lot of good advice but I have to say this:
That poor child needs to have you introduce some germs into her life or when she hits school her immune system will be bombarded.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Apr 12, 2019 23:56:39 GMT
I don't have kids, but I do 'watch' my neices and nephews. But her expectations and 'requirements' are RIDICULOUS!! No way No how. And I don't know that I would be all that nice about it either, like some have said it would be a HELL no. You're doing them a favor.It's ok for them to have some rules or guidelines that make sense. You shouldn't feel guilty although, I get that too especially being family. Hope you can work outa good solution. I do have a cousin that is similar. His wife is super anal about cleanliness and germs,.but she usually just didn't like her crawling around the ground. It was rare if they got a sitter for long periods of time. She would have her attatched to her hip when we saw them at functions.
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lurkyloo
Full Member
Posts: 284
Dec 5, 2018 6:53:08 GMT
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Post by lurkyloo on Apr 12, 2019 23:57:50 GMT
My rule has always been: if I’m watching your child or your pet, I will do anything you ask me to within reason, and as long as it’s not harmful. You want me to have your kid brush their teeth five times a day? Ok. You want me to count out more vitamins for your dog than my 90 year old grandma takes? Absolutely!
I have family members who were not allowed to watch my kids because they thought my rules were hyper vigilant and paranoid. They weren’t: what I wanted was for them not to be allowed to play far away from earshot and eyesight in an abandoned field of rusty metal, alone, next to a 55 mph highway at the ages of 1st and 3rd grade. But the way they reacted to that, you would have thought I was asking them to literally pack them in bubble wrap and make them sit in a chair the whole time. Oh, wasn’t I a laughing stock.
My point is, yes, their rules seem over the top, but it’s their kid and their rules, and you don’t know their reasoning. Just don’t babysit if you don’t want to abide by their rules. You aren’t going to convince them that your way is the best way. The fact that my family members had raised kids alive to adulthood was not a defense I found moving enough to let them let my kids play in that field. Some of the survival they used as evidence was pure luck. 😂
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Post by Belia on Apr 12, 2019 23:59:05 GMT
You have gotten a lot of good advice but I have to say this: That poor child needs to have you introduce some germs into her life or when she hits school her immune system will be bombarded. This kid has "homeschool" written allllll over her.....
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 24, 2024 9:14:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2019 0:45:08 GMT
Nope, I don't smoke, don't do drugs, (does coffee count??) etc.... The all day babysitting is on a Saturday or a Sunday, when they want to go out, go shopping and have lunch or dinner. TBH, it is probably more like 6-7 hours, which is really a whole day. SIL works from home. I work full time as well, so no lol I could not do any weekday sitting during the day. I think I will have a conversation with my brother. Thank you all !
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Post by pjaye on Apr 13, 2019 0:54:28 GMT
How much accomodating would you do? Zero. I'd be very happy to babysit...WITH my rules. When they are out of the house, they don't get to dictate how I look after their baby. If someone trusts me to babysit then they already trust that I am going to look after their child properly and not do anything crazy and that should be enough. If they want to add a bunch of other rules, then they are free, to get a paid babysitter to do exactly as they demand. I've babysat lots of friend's kids and no-one has even come close to those sorts of rules.
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Post by pastlifepea on Apr 13, 2019 0:59:17 GMT
Nope, I don't smoke, don't do drugs, (does coffee count??) etc.... The all day babysitting is on a Saturday or a Sunday, when they want to go out, go shopping and have lunch or dinner. TBH, it is probably more like 6-7 hours, which is really a whole day. SIL works from home. I work full time as well, so no lol I could not do any weekday sitting during the day. I think I will have a conversation with my brother. Thank you all ! This is probably the best idea. I have had conversations like this. I always begin with, "You know I love you, right?" Unfortunately everyone close to me now knows that a "you know I love you, right" conversation isn't going to be a good one.
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