me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 17, 2019 8:12:06 GMT
I've had way too much time to think healing from surgery. For the longest time I didn't have any contact with my dad's side of the family. Then about 5 years ago my Uncle and Aunt came in and another Aunt. One of them mailed me pictures of my dad. I only have 3 that I can think of off the top of my head.
My dad wasn't ever really involved in my life. I can probably count on one hand the times he visited me and a little over two hands the amount of times he called me.
I was the last family member to hear from him, this was in 2006. He was homeless for most of his life from what I can telll. II have his social security number but nothing has come back.
The last time I heard from him he was living in Vegas. I'm 99% sure he's not still alive given the way he lived his life. I've forgiven him and just want closure. It hurts my heart whenever I see a homeless person and I always wonder if it could be my dad. I try to keep water bottles in the car to give to those I see who are homeless.
My uncle paid for me to do the Ancestry DNA test and so far nothing really (I wouldn't be surprised if I have half siblings). But I'd really like to find peace knowing he isn't suffering any more. Even though he hurt me he had to have been hurting too unless he was/is a sociopath to leave a daughter.
Any ideas? I've looked at John Does. What do they do anyway if there's no identification and someone dies without suspected foul play?
Surely I can't be the only one who has experienced this?
He did have a DUI in California so I would think they would run his prints?
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Post by sleepingbooty on Apr 17, 2019 9:28:00 GMT
Sorry to hear you're hurting. As the daughter of a father who walked away before my fifth birthday, I have a good idea of what you're going through. Mine ended up being a sort of wanderer - not quite homeless, not settled either - with addiction problems. I was lucky enough to be alerted of his passing in a far-away country by the local consulate who decided to research his descendants as they didn't appear to have a contact person for him. This was the catalyst for my eventual coming to peace with the complicated situation and all the emotions. I understand your need to know. I'm going to assume you're American since you mentioned Las Vegas. There are several nonprofits in the US that appear to focus on missing homeless people like Missing Homeless in America. They are active on social media, particularly Facebook. You may want to check those out. You definitely would need to add your father to NamUs to check whether he could be one of their cold cases. ZabaSearch is a search engine that focuses on finding names on the web. Did you check the Social Security death index? If you think it likely he might have gone abroad, you can always see if you can get a welfare/whereabouts check. The UsGenWeb project focuses on collecting the resources to access genealogical data for each state which I know is a good starting point to do extensive researches (a cold case podcast I listen to has mentioned using this). And then there are all the records to go through: public, federal and state. Sorry, I can't help you much more here as I'm not American. I'm sure the US Peas will jump in with other tips and resources to try. Finding out what has happend to him is only one step in the healing process. Therapy can be a major stepping stone. Best of luck with your search!
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Post by disneypal on Apr 17, 2019 10:18:23 GMT
I am sorry - that must be difficult not knowing. I'm not sure if this will help if he didn't have ID but if he did have some kind, I have membership to newspapers.com and can do a search of his name - it if isn't too common of a name, I may be able to find something. You can send me a PM if you want me to take a look
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 17, 2019 10:18:26 GMT
I'm sorry you are dealing with this but unfortunately I have no idea how you could find out. I hope you find what you're looking for though.
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Post by mom on Apr 17, 2019 14:51:52 GMT
Any chance he was a veteran?
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Post by librarylady on Apr 17, 2019 15:00:59 GMT
If he was a veteran, you may find out if he is alive or dead that way. Ask the VA or Social Security if they have had a death benefit filed--or even just recorded a death. I had a friend many years ago. His father had left the family when Bob was very young. No one had had contact since then. Bob was in his 30s and the VA contacted him to let him know his father had died, and did Bob want to claim the body.
Someone else I knew learned her brother died in a homeless shelter in California. He was buried in a pauper's grave because they had no way to contact any relatives.
I would start by contacting Social Security and ask about his number and see what you can find out.
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 17, 2019 20:22:01 GMT
Not a veteran unfortunately. I'm going to look into some of those sites. I really just want closure for me and for His siblings.
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 18, 2019 1:25:08 GMT
I am sorry - that must be difficult not knowing. I'm not sure if this will help if he didn't have ID but if he did have some kind, I have membership to newspapers.com and can do a search of his name - it if isn't too common of a name, I may be able to find something. You can send me a PM if you want me to take a look I'll send you a PM. Unfortunately it's a semi common first and last name. The middle on is different.
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 18, 2019 1:27:04 GMT
Sorry to hear you're hurting. As the daughter of a father who walked away before my fifth birthday, I have a good idea of what you're going through. Mine ended up being a sort of wanderer - not quite homeless, not settled either - with addiction problems. I was lucky enough to be alerted of his passing in a far-away country by the local consulate who decided to research his descendants as they didn't appear to have a contact person for him. This was the catalyst for my eventual coming to peace with the complicated situation and all the emotions. I understand your need to know. I'm going to assume you're American since you mentioned Las Vegas. There are several nonprofits in the US that appear to focus on missing homeless people like Missing Homeless in America. They are active on social media, particularly Facebook. You may want to check those out. You definitely would need to add your father to NamUs to check whether he could be one of their cold cases. ZabaSearch is a search engine that focuses on finding names on the web. Did you check the Social Security death index? If you think it likely he might have gone abroad, you can always see if you can get a welfare/whereabouts check. The UsGenWeb project focuses on collecting the resources to access genealogical data for each state which I know is a good starting point to do extensive researches (a cold case podcast I listen to has mentioned using this). And then there are all the records to go through: public, federal and state. Sorry, I can't help you much more here as I'm not American. I'm sure the US Peas will jump in with other tips and resources to try. Finding out what has happend to him is only one step in the healing process. Therapy can be a major stepping stone. Best of luck with your search! I'm so sorry you went through that too. It sucks for sure. My dad was an alcoholic. I've been doing trauma counseling now for a year and counseling on and off for several. I really needed a trauma counselor to help.
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Post by leftturnonly on Apr 18, 2019 2:58:29 GMT
If your father takes a DNA test with Ancestry, you'll find out right quick that he's still alive. (This happened to some of my cousins.)
If you add him to a tree, whether the tree is public or private and unsearchable, you may get hints if there are death records available on him.
You can also check FamilySearch.org for free for possible documents.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Apr 18, 2019 14:31:50 GMT
Sorry to hear you're hurting. As the daughter of a father who walked away before my fifth birthday, I have a good idea of what you're going through. Mine ended up being a sort of wanderer - not quite homeless, not settled either - with addiction problems. I was lucky enough to be alerted of his passing in a far-away country by the local consulate who decided to research his descendants as they didn't appear to have a contact person for him. This was the catalyst for my eventual coming to peace with the complicated situation and all the emotions. I understand your need to know. I'm so sorry you went through that too. It sucks for sure. My dad was an alcoholic. I've been doing trauma counseling now for a year and counseling on and off for several. I really needed a trauma counselor to help. Glad to hear you sought out help. Therapy has been greatly beneficial to me as well. I didn't realise how much of a mark my father's abandonment and alcohol addiction had left on me. I hope you find the answer you're looking for. Please reach out to the people in the missing homeless groups on social media to get other resources: they will likely have a lot of practical advice to share. Best of luck in your quest and healing. ❤️
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 18, 2019 20:42:13 GMT
I'm so sorry you went through that too. It sucks for sure. My dad was an alcoholic. I've been doing trauma counseling now for a year and counseling on and off for several. I really needed a trauma counselor to help. Glad to hear you sought out help. Therapy has been greatly beneficial to me as well. I didn't realise how much of a mark my father's abandonment and alcohol addiction had left on me. I hope you find the answer you're looking for. Please reach out to the people in the missing homeless groups on social media to get other resources: they will likely have a lot of practical advice to share. Best of luck in your quest and healing. ❤️ Thank you so much! My mom was an alcoholic too and died of chronic alcohol use at 49. I'm just grateful I know better than to touch it! But healing has definitely been challenging. My therapist is preparing me to start EMDR. I research a lot and that's supposed to really help resolve it.
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Post by scrappintoee on Apr 21, 2019 23:39:45 GMT
me2....Hi, I just wanted to send you (( hugs )) and see how your surgery recovery is going? Have you been able to find out any more info about your Dad?
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 23, 2019 0:07:35 GMT
me2....Hi, I just wanted to send you (( hugs )) and see how your surgery recovery is going? Have you been able to find out any more info about your Dad? Nothing on my dad so far. I'm trying to have faith that I'll find that information out while simultaneously trying to accept he is no longer alive (which I believe). It's weird space to be in. I have a post surgery UTI so healing has been a bit slower. I'm on an antibiotic now so here's hoping that helps. I'm glad I went in when I did. I guess since I had a catheter for so long, I developed a UTI. That pain on top of post op pain was a lot. I've had some menopausal symptoms like night sweats especially! I have hot flashes too. I'm grateful I had the surgery when I did because it would've been a nightmare during the summer in Arizona! Thanks for thinking about me! You are so kind! That means a lot!
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Post by janniepea on Apr 23, 2019 4:01:35 GMT
Bless you. I didn’t go through what you’re going through but my little grandsons are. Their father, who is my son, is an alcoholic and doesn’t see them for months at a time. It kills me. But no amount of talking, offering help etc. makes any difference yet.
I have a great relationship with his former wife and see my grandsons as often as I can. (I live on the west coast and they live on the east coast)
I wish you all the best in your search.
Hugs
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Post by malibou on Apr 23, 2019 5:32:33 GMT
I've got some sources I can check. Send me a PM and I'll see what I can find.
Hope your UTI is clearing up. Pain on top of pain sucks.
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 23, 2019 11:20:14 GMT
Bless you. I didn’t go through what you’re going through but my little grandsons are. Their father, who is my son, is an alcoholic and doesn’t see them for months at a time. It kills me. But no amount of talking, offering help etc. makes any difference yet. I have a great relationship with his former wife and see my grandsons as often as I can. (I live on the west coast and they live on the east coast) I wish you all the best in your search. Hugs I'm so so sorry! I can't imagine how tough that would be as a parent to not see him step up to the plate. I'm grateful you are able to see them. My grandma and I were super close and I know it hurt her heart to see me go through so much. Big hugs! I hope he finds his way out.
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 23, 2019 11:22:12 GMT
I've got some sources I can check. Send me a PM and I'll see what I can find. Hope your UTI is clearing up. Pain on top of pain sucks. I'm up at 4:30 am because of the pain upon pain. Blech! I'm on Cirpo right now too and it's making the nausea worse. I'll PM you now! If anyone can solve this it would be a pea!
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Post by scrappintoee on Apr 23, 2019 21:04:07 GMT
me2 ....(( hugs )) I hope you'll be able to find out more about your Dad. Ugh, as if pain on top of pain wasn't bad enough, now you a UTI *and* nausea? ! ? I'm so sorry---nausea is sooooo annoying and hard to deal with, whenever I have it, I kinda laugh to myself and think "hmmm.....I think I'd ALMOST rather be in pain!" Could you call the doc's office and ask for a prescription anti-nausea meds, OR, even simpler, can you take something OTC such as Pepto Bismol? That USUALLY works very well for my nausea. If your UTI is also causing external pain, you can also get a urinary pain relieving med (Pyridium) over-the-counter now (used to be by prescription only). Also, I realllllllly hope they prescribed you ADEQUATE pain meds! I'm hearing that even after MAJOR surgery (like yours), post-op pain meds are sometimes either not strong enough and/OR, the amount of time you can have them is MUCH shorter than it used to be! Sheesh, several years ago, my sister was VERY surprised when her 16-year-old dd's dentist ordered something like a MONTH's worth of Vicodin for a very MINOR procedure (which she never needed, and took Motrin or Tylenol instead). I'm assuming that does NOT happen anymore!
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me2
Full Member
Posts: 145
Oct 3, 2016 3:32:09 GMT
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Post by me2 on Apr 27, 2019 10:12:09 GMT
me2 ....(( hugs )) I hope you'll be able to find out more about your Dad. Ugh, as if pain on top of pain wasn't bad enough, now you a UTI *and* nausea? ! ? I'm so sorry---nausea is sooooo annoying and hard to deal with, whenever I have it, I kinda laugh to myself and think "hmmm.....I think I'd ALMOST rather be in pain!" Could you call the doc's office and ask for a prescription anti-nausea meds, OR, even simpler, can you take something OTC such as Pepto Bismol? That USUALLY works very well for my nausea. If your UTI is also causing external pain, you can also get a urinary pain relieving med (Pyridium) over-the-counter now (used to be by prescription only). Also, I realllllllly hope they prescribed you ADEQUATE pain meds! I'm hearing that even after MAJOR surgery (like yours), post-op pain meds are sometimes either not strong enough and/OR, the amount of time you can have them is MUCH shorter than it used to be! Sheesh, several years ago, my sister was VERY surprised when her 16-year-old dd's dentist ordered something like a MONTH's worth of Vicodin for a very MINOR procedure (which she never needed, and took Motrin or Tylenol instead). I'm assuming that does NOT happen anymore! It's been a challenge healing wise. They only gave me meds for the first two weeks. For nausea I have sublingual Zofran and Promethazine in suppository form and oral. I can't take NSAIDS because of previous bleeding ulcers. They think Tylenol is supposed to help. It's not. Thanks for thinking of me.
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