Sue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,231
Location: SE of Portland, Oregon
Jun 26, 2014 18:42:33 GMT
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Post by Sue on Oct 10, 2014 0:31:13 GMT
I started saving money unbeknownst to my husband not to keep it a secret from him but to surprise him... which I did when I had built up my account a bit. He was thrilled. Now he says I'm a better saver than him and he tries to make sure I have whatever money I want or need because he knows I'm fairly frugal and will save what I can for us.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 10, 2014 3:14:01 GMT
I stash cash sometimes, but if asked I wouldn't lie about it.
I would not have a secret account because I would not be happy if he had a secret account from me.
I would have no problem if we both wanted an account and we knew about them, but they were in one name only or so like that.
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Post by psoccer on Oct 10, 2014 3:17:03 GMT
I stash cash, but my kids all know where it is. I like having a little bit of WAM every now and then. If we have a garage sale, or sell something on Ebay, that's where the money goes.
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Post by Lovebug2867 on Oct 10, 2014 3:19:59 GMT
I don't have a secret account but I do have an account that SO can't access that's attached to our account. We share a checking account where both his and my money gets direct deposited. The savings account attached to that account is mine. He can't access it through his debit card but he knows it's there and knows how much is in there. I put all my baking earned money into this account and dish it out for bills/household expenses when needed to help SO out so he's not always paying everything. That being said he has access to our online banking on his phone so if there was ever an emergency and he needed money he can transfer from my savings to the checking in an instant.
We don't hide money from each other haven't seen the point.
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Post by smokey2471 on Oct 10, 2014 3:22:03 GMT
I have an acct. it's not secret but it is only mine and I'm the only one with access to it. It's for birthdays. Money goes in and I use it to buy presents for DH myself and kids. On my birthday I give him the card to buy for me. It's never a secret what's in it its just he would spend it on bills and then we would not get gifts for ourselves for birthdays.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 14:13:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2014 3:26:40 GMT
I have a trust that is not a secret, but DH has absolutely no control over.
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Post by arielsmom on Oct 10, 2014 3:47:42 GMT
I have my own account, and have since before we were married. It never has a heck of a lot in it, but it is not secret. I have two home based businesses, so that is the account I use for them. Its also the account that pays for my retreats, etc. Back when I was younger, I put a whole years pay into it, and then used that money to go back to college and get my degree.
But we have lots of different accounts, so it all comes out in the wash.
I say go for it! My mother always had her own little account from a small part time business she had. My DH's mom saved all her social security money, and then once in a while would buy a new sofa, or pay for a trip, etc.
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Post by papersilly on Oct 10, 2014 4:42:10 GMT
An account, no. Ask me if I have a cash stash though...... Shouldn't ever girl have one?
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Post by darkangel090260 on Oct 10, 2014 4:54:24 GMT
I have had one since I was 15 years old. It takes my mom, my aunt and my self to get anything out of it. No one ell can touch it.
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ingrid
Full Member
Posts: 490
Jun 26, 2014 0:52:41 GMT
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Post by ingrid on Oct 10, 2014 5:14:57 GMT
You are correct. And because dh is depriving himself... goes out for a beer once a month.. and that's it.. I feel guilty asking for $ for frivilous things... Wall Flowers, candles, shoes, etc. Every category has a budget. We've never, ever, in 25 years lived this way. He's obsessed with paying off debt and savings. Upped savings by 100% and paying double payments. So what would happen if you approached your husband and told him you would like a certain amount of money set aside each month for each of you to use on frivolous things? I understand saving and paying off debt are things he's pushing for, but they're both important financial goals and it doesn't seem right that he's the only one really depriving himself while you have money to spend. Believe me, I understand how nice it is to be able to pick little things up here and there without feeling like you have to justify it. But in my marriage, I'm the one who always has to put the brakes on spending (fortunately, by husband is great about this and recognizes that he can be a little impulsive) and I would be pretty upset if I discovered he was keeping an account on the side while I was trying to be wise about our finances, especially if I was making more money and still going without to meet financial goals. I would really consider talking to him and coming up with a plan for "fun money" instead of hiding an account from him.
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Post by gale w on Oct 10, 2014 6:20:13 GMT
I don't have any secret accounts. But when I was with my ex boyfriend I got about $3K from a "retirement fund" from my old job and kept it from him. He found out and got pissed so I transferred the money into our joint account and he promptly spent it on stupid shit. So I wish I'd kept it a secret. Then when we broke up about 6 yrs later he cleaned out our joint account immediately (I didn't have my own account at the time, which was stupid).
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,389
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Oct 10, 2014 6:20:20 GMT
I really think it's indicative of a deeper problem. You shouldn't feel like you need to hide $50 from your husband so you can buy a candle. You need to be in the same page on the big issues like how much is going into savings etc, but also how much is discretionary. Justifying every dollar you spend is a recipe for conflict. Couldn't agree more. My eyebrows raised when you said that your partner 'ran a tight fiscal ship'. A partnership where one person is calling the shots over how the other uses the money they earn is no partnership. My grandmother also advised that everyone should have a little 'just in case' fund. Just in case.
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Post by JoP on Oct 10, 2014 6:36:15 GMT
An account, no. Ask me if I have a cash stash though...... I may also have a cash stash ..........
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Post by pelirroja on Oct 10, 2014 11:06:53 GMT
Dave Ramsey says each partner needs an allowance of "blow money" that they are not held accountable for whatever it is used for. I don't know whether or not you have blow money or if you need to beg for every morsel of moulah. But if your DH is running a tight financial ship, is it to compensate for previous financial mismanagement? And if that is the case, which one of you was reckless with the household money? The answers to those questions is critically important and alters the answers you might get to your question. Is your DH fixing past errors, overcompensating or is he just controlling?
I don't think a secret account is a good thing. Your consulting income should be put into the family pot. You really need to think about how your DH is going to feel if a year-end tax statement comes in the mail for an account or income he knows nothing about. Even if your DH is unaware of such an account, the IRS will know your income and account exists and you could be complicating your life substantially and unnecessarily. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
In our family, each of us gets a certain amount of allowance for the week (we get equal amounts). When you've blown your blow money, there's no tapping the ATM for more. You either need to control your impulses or plan and save up for whatever it is you just had to have. Again, you don't have to disclose what you do with blow money so you could load up on kitten heels, pumpkin decor, scented candles or save it for later: the choice is yours.
I just don't think keeping secrets is a good thing: how would you feel if your DH felt entitled to keeping secret accounts and siphoning off household income? You need to work together as a team, not be hatching secret plans and diverting finances.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,145
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 10, 2014 11:38:58 GMT
I have a "semi-secret" account dh and I have very different comfort zones regarding money and honestly he's hard to get on the same page with a lot of things. I decided at one point that I just couldn't live the way he does and started stashing some money. The problem lies in that he's self-employed so the money can be up or down depending on how busy he is. He goes to work and that is the extent of his involvement in budgeting. If there is money in the account fine, if not they'll be more soon is his attitude. Meanwhile I have to figure out how to make things work (he just leaves it on me, which he can because I don't have the personality that I could let things go so I fix them.) Anyhow long story short, I decided I wanted a safety cushion. We have kids in private school, college, etc. So I opened an account and started putting away money, basically for tuition if we needed it. He knows I have a "secret" account, but that is all he knows about it. He'd be shocked at how much money he hasn't "missed." I'd much rather a partner who was agreeable to reasonable budgeting and involvement in it....but I don't feel a bit guilty in my circumstances to have done what i've done. I'd speak to dh about a more reasonable budget first if you're not happy with it. Obviously it's best if you're both in a place where you are comfortable with it.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,595
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Oct 10, 2014 13:43:19 GMT
All our salaries and any money that comes into the household goes in a joint account. From that account every thing is paid including ourselves. Each payday we have allocated each of us an amount that we call our "allowance". This money we can do with as we see fit no questions asked. DH has a classic car and if he wants to make a purchase for this then he can. Mine usually goes on craft supplies which there are several. Quilting, scrapping, Knitting the list goes on. If not that then the grandies.
We each has a bank account in our own names and sometimes there is something in it and sometimes not. I guess we could put it in a jar somewhere But these accounts are not secret.
I would discuss with DH your thoughts and explain what you are intending the money for.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Oct 10, 2014 14:06:21 GMT
I don't have to keep a secret one, he never ever asks. Other than bringing home the bacon, doesn't want much to do with budgeting, spending, savings. It is in my hands hahahaha (with an evil voice lol). It is crazy that it has turned into this, but I guess it works for us. If I make money on ebay or craigslist, I have an account for that, but it usually gets dumped into checking. Same with money I get for birthday gifts.
I know a lot of people that have separate accounts etc. My friend used to call hers her "runaway fund". It really wasn't, it was just a joke.
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Post by Miss Ang on Oct 10, 2014 14:20:42 GMT
My dh and I both stick money back for "extras" and we both know it. But if we ever needed money for something, we both know it's there and have access to it. But taking a little bit and stashing it for a future "want" is ok for us.
I think having a stash that you're genuinely "hiding" from your husband is not good. I also think my husband running a "tight fiscal ship" that doesn't leave me room for my own spending money is not good either. The problem lies in your husband's attitude about money and it's causing you to have to hide money. Personally, I'd sit down with my husband and explain why this method is not working for us.
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,713
Location: So. Calif.
Jun 25, 2014 23:22:29 GMT
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Post by garcia5050 on Oct 10, 2014 14:21:24 GMT
I've heard of some people that do cash over at the grocery store and pocket the extra. I had a friend who did this for years. Then all of a sudden, the bank statement (and online history) showed the separation of amounts. She was busted, and it did cause trust problems.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,943
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Oct 10, 2014 14:23:14 GMT
I have a small cash stash. It's never more than a couple hundred dollars but it's there in case something is needed or wanted. DH knows that I do this and it's not a problem. I usually use it for the kids.
Lisa D.
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Post by jmurray on Oct 10, 2014 14:33:09 GMT
I've always had my own account, Dh always had one too, and that didn't change when we married. We opened a joint account for mutual savings and expenses, but to be honest if either of us felt the need to open a secret account we'd be questioning what was going on in our marriage. I work for my money, as does DH (and as do you). DH and I agree an amount we each tip into the joint account when we get paid and the rest is ours to spend as we please. I truly believe both people need to retain some degree of financial independence, even if it's just a few dollars a week. I would hate to have to ask anyone if I could buy something relatively minor. Obviously large ticket items are discussed, as are vacations etc.
I don't know you, your DH or how you both operate togeher. But you do imply he's become quite controlling with the finances, so I guess it boils down to whether you are comfortable with telling him (not asking) that you're opening your own account for that piece of income. And FWIW if he said no, or if you're not ok with telling him, then I'd do it anyway and keep it secret because the whole situation would piss me off.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,389
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
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Post by peaname on Oct 10, 2014 14:49:37 GMT
No that wouldn't work in my marriage.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Oct 10, 2014 15:09:05 GMT
Honestly, IMO a secret account is financial infidelity. If you're saving money for a birthday or Christmas gift, that's one thing, but to have a account that your spouse knows nothing about just so you can buy things as you see fit? Well, that's how my husband ended up divorced from his ex. Neither were perfect, mind you, but that put them in financial ruin and was the nail in the coffin.
We have the $50 rule. Anything over $50 we talk about. Unless it's a business expense then we just pay the bill and move on.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 14:13:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2014 15:14:18 GMT
No, I've never had one but I'm the one who has some control issues with money in the relationship and I can sympathise with you feeling deprived. Is this a temporary situation just until you get out of debt? Hard to say what I would do not knowing your spending habits and debt load.
For me, I would be glad that dh was trying to get out of debt.
I admire you for being willing to work on your day off, though. That would be tough for me.
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Post by mtscrapper on Oct 10, 2014 16:09:09 GMT
Dick Van Dyke Show My daughter has been watching the Dick Van Dyke Show on Netflix and just watched this one the other day about this very subject.
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Post by eebud on Oct 10, 2014 16:28:16 GMT
Dave Ramsey says each partner needs an allowance of "blow money" that they are not held accountable for whatever it is used for. I don't know whether or not you have blow money or if you need to beg for every morsel of moulah. But if your DH is running a tight financial ship, is it to compensate for previous financial mismanagement? And if that is the case, which one of you was reckless with the household money? The answers to those questions is critically important and alters the answers you might get to your question. Is your DH fixing past errors, overcompensating or is he just controlling? I don't think a secret account is a good thing. Your consulting income should be put into the family pot. You really need to think about how your DH is going to feel if a year-end tax statement comes in the mail for an account or income he knows nothing about. Even if your DH is unaware of such an account, the IRS will know your income and account exists and you could be complicating your life substantially and unnecessarily. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I just don't think keeping secrets is a good thing: how would you feel if your DH felt entitled to keeping secret accounts and siphoning off household income? You need to work together as a team, not be hatching secret plans and diverting finances. I agree with the above. I don't think there is nearly enough in the OP or subsequent comments to really have an opinion. Is your DH controlling when it comes to the finances? According to the OP, yes. But, what we don't know is why. I have known people with a tight budget because there wasn't a lot of money but there was a little extra to splurge every month. However, the wife used to stay on the internet ordering and buying things and then there was no money to pay the electric bill and rent was due and they were short. The husband took control of the money, took away her debit card (they didn't have a credit card), and I think he opened a new account without her name on it. It was the only way to keep them afloat. To listen to her, you would have thought that he never gave her a dime to spend where reality was, he was trying to dig out of a hole she dug. OP, if your case is not something like this, you need to talk with your DH about each of you having some money that you can spend on whatever.........your play money. If there is not some major hole your DH is trying to get y'all out of, then there should be a little for this. I would not want to keep a secret account. I have separate accounts that have only my name on them but my DH knows about them.
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Post by melonhead on Oct 10, 2014 16:38:07 GMT
When my Dad died I got a checking account at his bank so I could change the coins to cash. He had literal buckets of coins all over his house, and the bank wouldn't take them without me having an account. I opened it with $100 of "our" cash, with his knowledge, and it stayed that way for 6 or 7 months without any activity.
When I found out he was cheating on me, all bets were off, and any extra money I got went into it without comment from me.
My point being that in a good marriage there shouldn't be money secrets. But once it wasn't a good marriage...
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Post by papersilly on Oct 10, 2014 16:53:01 GMT
I have what I call my secret stash of cash, but DH knows all about it. I don't know why, but I always feel better with some cash hidden away. I rarely use it; I just like having it. DH even knows where I keep it. this is me exactly. it's the most open secret between DH and me. sure I get the lecture about it not earning interest just sitting there...blah blah blah but I like having it. mad money. like I said earlier, shouldn't every girl have one?
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Oct 10, 2014 17:22:52 GMT
If you have been married for 25 years and you have debt that is not mortgage debt (and even then, depending on how much), your husband is right to be concerned with your financial situation, and to be taking action to fix it.
You could be honest and tell him you would like to keep the money, but first you should take a hard look at your future. Will your debt be paid off by the time your kids go to college? Can you afford to send them? Does your husband want to retire and be financially secure in the next 10 years? 20 years? If you have a major medical situation, will that send you into financial ruin? Maybe these things are weighing heavily on your husband and he thinks they are more important than house decorations and other frivolous things.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 14:13:55 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2014 17:33:20 GMT
I paid the downpayment on our house with my "secret stash of cash". DH was aware it existed, he just didn't know how much money was in it. I tossed in change, small bills, portions of gift money, and some of my tip money from when I waitressed when we were first together and our kids were young.
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