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Post by riversong1963 on Jul 19, 2019 12:47:18 GMT
I am also sorry that your daughters are struggling. I’ll try a short recap. I’m sure others may be-able to add additional things, or correct me if I’m wrong. She has said that in his last couple years his school grades dropped significantly (as in Ds and Fs), he did get caught smoking pot once, it could have been twice maybe, and he had started to tell his mom and dad that he was questioning their religion and God. If I am remembering correctly he may have even told them that he did not believe in their religion. She did have him in counseling and I also believe that he had seen his therapist the day before (or very soon before he died) and the therapist and the family were caught of guard by his suicide. She said she really thought he was turning it around and they were good. I apologize if this in not totally accurate. Feel free to correct me anyone. This information came from my memory of several interviews I’ve listened to over the course of the last four year. Thank you for the recap. That is so scary to hear. The first thing you do as a parent when your child starts to drop hints of suicidal thoughts is rush to therapy. But as much as you try, you truly can feel (and essentially BE) helpless during your child's struggle. I can't imagine the pain and really feel for Heidi and her family. Yes, I totally agree. The first thing you do is seek counseling. I think it's very important that the counselor be outside the church or religious group to which you belong. I have a feeling that the counselor was from their church and might have tried to "fix" her son. I might be wrong, and admittedly, I haven't read the whole story. I do get the vibe that this young man was starting to think for himself, wanted to live his own life, and not what was expected of him by the church and his family, and needed to be supported and allowed to pursue his own choices. I've seen so many teenage lives ruined because of what their parents and religion expected of them. I've had a hard time with this one from the beginning. As I said, I don't know the whole story. Depression is a very difficult thing to deal with. I have certain feelings about this one that I'll keep to myself. These are just my feelings and opinions as a mother of 2 very different young adults. My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with children who are struggling.
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Julie W
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,209
Jun 27, 2014 22:11:06 GMT
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Post by Julie W on Jul 19, 2019 19:40:26 GMT
Thank you for the recap. That is so scary to hear. The first thing you do as a parent when your child starts to drop hints of suicidal thoughts is rush to therapy. But as much as you try, you truly can feel (and essentially BE) helpless during your child's struggle. I can't imagine the pain and really feel for Heidi and her family. Yes, I totally agree. The first thing you do is seek counseling. I think it's very important that the counselor be outside the church or religious group to which you belong. I have a feeling that the counselor was from their church and might have tried to "fix" her son. I might be wrong, and admittedly, I haven't read the whole story. I do get the vibe that this young man was starting to think for himself, wanted to live his own life, and not what was expected of him by the church and his family, and needed to be supported and allowed to pursue his own choices. I've seen so many teenage lives ruined because of what their parents and religion expected of them. I've had a hard time with this one from the beginning. As I said, I don't know the whole story. Depression is a very difficult thing to deal with. I have certain feelings about this one that I'll keep to myself. These are just my feelings and opinions as a mother of 2 very different young adults. My heart goes out to all of you who are dealing with children who are struggling. I recently listened to the Light the Fight podcast recapping what Heidi has learned in the four years since Cory's passing, and have listened to at least half of all the other LTF podcasts. But specifically it has been shared in at least the first one I referenced that David Kozlowski, who does the podcast with Heidi, was Cory's counselor at the time of his death, and continued to work with the family after his passing. I don't recall if David has said that he's Mormon, but I don't get the vibe that he is or would tried to "fix" him that way. If you listen to the podcasts, this is a very real therapist who has a way with troubled teens, he had some issues as a teen/young adult himself. Heidi herself has been so very graceful and transparent in her learnings and you can tell there's a lot of things she would have done differently. I am not Mormon, but I gather it might be challenging for her to balance her faith with some of the learnings and conclusions that have occurred since Cory's unfortunate passing. I have learned a lot from Heidi and David and the podcast, and have tremendous respect for Heidi in how she has shared her story to help others.
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craftymom101
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,554
Jul 31, 2014 5:23:25 GMT
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Post by craftymom101 on Jul 19, 2019 20:38:24 GMT
I will also add that Cory had been suspended for 45 days due to some drug use on school property (if I’m remembering correctly).
Heidi has been candid about Cory’s death and how his passing has affected her family. Suicide is heartbreaking for those left behind and I hope the Swapp family continues to heal. I purchased the entire Wolf Pack collection as a show of support to Heidi and her family.
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 19, 2019 22:00:53 GMT
I grew up in that culture, Mormon, in Utah. “Toxic perfectionism” is a perfect description of it. Even though I’ve been out of the LDS church and religion altogether for over a decade, I still find myself needing to be “perfect” in so many things and questioning my worth when I feel I’ve failed. Yes, and I still live in Utah. Unfortunatley I've gone the opposite direction where I don't care about most things. I'm still gleeful about all of my free time and I've been gladly "wasting" my time for years.
I do get the vibe that this young man was starting to think for himself, wanted to live his own life, and not what was expected of him by the church and his family, and needed to be supported and allowed to pursue his own choices. I've seen so many teenage lives ruined because of what their parents and religion expected of them. She had mentioned he had a traumatic brain injury and it did seem to change his personality.
I've had issues in my own family and all I can say is that it is complicated. It's a cultural thing, it's religion, it's location (high altitude), it is mental illness, it's bullying, it's family, it is many factors. I know several people who have committed suicide and it was never one reason.
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Post by scrapaddict702 on Jul 19, 2019 22:27:13 GMT
I grew up in that culture, Mormon, in Utah. “Toxic perfectionism” is a perfect description of it. Even though I’ve been out of the LDS church and religion altogether for over a decade, I still find myself needing to be “perfect” in so many things and questioning my worth when I feel I’ve failed. Yes, and I still live in Utah. Unfortunatley I've gone the opposite direction where I don't care about most things. I'm still gleeful about all of my free time and I've been gladly "wasting" my time for years.
I do get the vibe that this young man was starting to think for himself, wanted to live his own life, and not what was expected of him by the church and his family, and needed to be supported and allowed to pursue his own choices. I've seen so many teenage lives ruined because of what their parents and religion expected of them. She had mentioned he had a traumatic brain injury and it did seem to change his personality.
I've had issues in my own family and all I can say is that it is complicated. It's a cultural thing, it's religion, it's location (high altitude), it is mental illness, it's bullying, it's family, it is many factors. I know several people who have committed suicide and it was never one reason.
I know it's a bit selfish because my husband works so hard, but because I do suffer from mental health issues I find that not being busy is a huge help to keeping a lot of my triggers at bay. Yes, it means that being busy is something I have to work harder to build myself up to manage obligations when I have them, but it means that I'm able to manage my anxiety issues better overall...not necessarily by avoiding them, but by giving priority to living a simpler life.
Hopefully you don't have issues like I do. I have family that prefers to be as social as possible and seems to think that because I'm a stay at home mom that stays relatively unbusy (much to the dismay of my children...but I believe boredom breeds creativity) outside of my kids' commitments that it means I should be available to babysit with little to no notice. Essentially they think they can take ownership of my carefully curated uncommitted allotments of time because they feel their being busy is more important than my choice to not be busy. It's funny how some people don't seem to understand that choosing to not have something penciled in every waking hour of every single day doesn't somehow mean I am looking for someone to help me fill it for me. I am happy to ignore the societal pressure to constantly have something to do.
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Post by marg on Jul 20, 2019 0:46:15 GMT
I recently listened to the Light the Fight podcast recapping what Heidi has learned in the four years since Cory's passing, and have listened to at least half of all the other LTF podcasts. But specifically it has been shared in at least the first one I referenced that David Kozlowski, who does the podcast with Heidi, was Cory's counselor at the time of his death, and continued to work with the family after his passing. I don't recall if David has said that he's Mormon, but I don't get the vibe that he is or would tried to "fix" him that way. If you listen to the podcasts, this is a very real therapist who has a way with troubled teens, he had some issues as a teen/young adult himself. Heidi herself has been so very graceful and transparent in her learnings and you can tell there's a lot of things she would have done differently. I am not Mormon, but I gather it might be challenging for her to balance her faith with some of the learnings and conclusions that have occurred since Cory's unfortunate passing. I have learned a lot from Heidi and David and the podcast, and have tremendous respect for Heidi in how she has shared her story to help others. I really, really like David Kozlowski. I find him so down-to-earth, and his advise is so practical and often is stuff I'd never heard before. I've used some of it on my teen son. David grew up in Hawaii and then lived in California, I believe, and I don't believe he's Mormon. He is an actual Psychologist, for anyone wondering. He's had a lot of struggles himself - he's adopted but knew his birth parents (alcoholics, etc). I think he's half Polynesian. His two brothers are in the NFL. Light The Fight is a great podcast. There are some episodes where Heidi tries not to cry as she talks about Cory but she can't hold it in, that's how real and genuine she is with her situation. Heidi said on one of the episodes that she and Cory had just had a counseling session together the day before he died (or maybe the day he died), and she said it was their best ever session and she felt really good about it.
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Post by marg on Jul 20, 2019 0:49:39 GMT
I have really been out of the loop. I remember when Cory died but I would love for someone to give a summary of what Heidi has disclosed about his struggles. Both my daughters have had suicide ideation which scares me daily. Any information that Heidi shares about Cory could be valuable to any parent. There is at least one episode of the Light the Fight podcast where David talks about how he speaks to teens with suicidal thoughts. I really recommend listening to the podcast starting at the beginning because there's great advise in it. He also has a podcast where he talks to teens about their stories, it's called "Still Trip'n" and it's by teens for teens. It's very interesting, as well. One of the teens he talks to is Heidi's daughter Quinn.
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 20, 2019 1:06:19 GMT
Hopefully you don't have issues like I do. I have family that prefers to be as social as possible and seems to think that because I'm a stay at home mom that stays relatively unbusy (much to the dismay of my children...but I believe boredom breeds creativity) outside of my kids' commitments that it means I should be available to babysit with little to no notice. Essentially they think they can take ownership of my carefully curated uncommitted allotments of time because they feel their being busy is more important than my choice to not be busy. It's funny how some people don't seem to understand that choosing to not have something penciled in every waking hour of every single day doesn't somehow mean I am looking for someone to help me fill it for me. I am happy to ignore the societal pressure to constantly have something to do. My comment was more tongue in cheek. When I was active in my religion, it was highly stressed that you had to do all that was asked of you in order to be blessed, in order to gain eternal salvation, in order to understand true happiness... I could go on and on. I did all of that and was unbelievably miserable and cried every week at church.
My life is still hard, but all of that free time I am "wasting" has been life saving. I'm a stay at home mom too. My son has special needs and is high maintenance, luckily I don't get asked about babysitting. I intentionally say no to many things and it mainly has to do with my health. My son is a terrible sleeper and doesn't understand danger. I usually sleep when I have free time. I am also more than happy to ignore societal pressure. BTDT from childhood until I was almost thirty doing things that were "important".
I understand there are people who thrive being busy and then there are those who brag and want recognition for all their "hard work". When I hear the braggers, I silently say to myself your life sucks so much! I just politely nod and say that sounds nice.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 19, 2024 11:08:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2019 7:11:13 GMT
tiffanyannhulsey I am so sorry your DD are struggling. I hope they can find a light and healing. scrapaddict702 You are NOT selfish. You are taking care of yourself from an illness. I don't know why people think that those of us who are suffering from anxiety issues do not deserve to have a recovery time as those who have an illness that is visible. I think a lot of people forget that anxiety takes a huge toll on your physical health too. It takes months to recover. We are triggering our vagus nerve constantly. Nerve damage takes forever to heal. I live a simple life. I have a hard working DH too. He's the one in my life who stops me from working to hard. He keeps telling me I am in recovery when I tend to forget. I have people in my life who are do this for me, do that for me, live my life for me. I am thinking OMG! GO AWAY!!!! I just erased them out of my life. I don't like my heart racing so hard I feel like I am going to pass out. I am like you my unbusy time is not for those to take advantage of. It is my recovery time. Sorry their lives are busy. That is on them. They chose that. It has nothing to do with me. I like my garden and coloring books. That's my busy time. refugeepea I am sorry. I had to do that sleep pattern with my child too. Just wanted you to know your not alone. Now, that my child is gone my sleep pattern is still messed up.
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Post by DawnMcD on Jul 22, 2019 20:54:59 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have lost their loves ones. P.S. We do live in Utah but are not LDS.
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Post by scrappyem on Jul 23, 2019 1:33:33 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have lost their loves ones. P.S. We do live in Utah but are not LDS. Big hugs. Depression is such a hard, hard thing. I hope he continues to find help and that you and your family & you get support.
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christinec68
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,078
Location: New York, NY
Jun 26, 2014 18:02:19 GMT
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Post by christinec68 on Jul 23, 2019 2:04:00 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have lost their loves ones. P.S. We do live in Utah but are not LDS. (((Hugs)))) I hope his new course of treatment helps your son and that you are able to find some peace.
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 23, 2019 2:56:28 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have lost their loves ones. P.S. We do live in Utah but are not LDS. I am so sorry. I hope you can all get the help you need.
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Post by refugeepea on Jul 23, 2019 2:56:31 GMT
((hugs)) DawnMcD . I understand what you are going through and needing to take a break.
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Chinagirl828
Drama Llama
Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 6,426
Jun 28, 2014 6:28:53 GMT
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Post by Chinagirl828 on Jul 23, 2019 9:11:43 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have lost their loves ones. P.S. We do live in Utah but are not LDS. I hope he is doing, and continues to do well. Sending you all positive thoughts.
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cardsbycara
Junior Member
Posts: 60
Jul 25, 2019 14:57:58 GMT
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Post by cardsbycara on Jul 25, 2019 15:28:01 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have l Sending hugs your way ... <3 And to Heidi who was also brave enough to share and be open about it in order to increase awareness and hel pothers ...
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hutchfan
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,014
Jul 6, 2016 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by hutchfan on Jul 25, 2019 15:57:41 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have lost their loves ones. P.S. We do live in Utah but are not LDS. Sending hugs.
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Post by gynergy on Jul 27, 2019 0:14:51 GMT
I just cannot bring myself to listen right now but I am so encouraged by her sharing and openness. Feb.25th this year my 18 yr old son attempted sucide and it has rocked us. He is doing well now we believe, he is in counseling, new medicine but really it has only been 5 months and I am still so cautious and anxious. I check on him often in the night. I took a break from the boards and have tried to come back several times and just have so little energy and motivation. It is not all bad and I am working hard through the emotions, guilt and fear. Helping his other siblings work through their fear. I feel like so much energy is required some days to just not cry. Hugs to all of you who have experienced this and who have lost their loves ones. P.S. We do live in Utah but are not LDS. Sending you lots of love & good thoughts for you & your son. I live with depression & anxiety and I’m a licensed counselor in the ER, so I see folks (including kids & teens) in crisis some who have attempted or are considering suicide. I encourage you to seek support for yourself (www.nami.org can be of help to many) and practice good self care. You’ve been through a huge trauma too, and it’s 100 understandable if you need your own therapist too while you keep your son in counseling & seeing a psych MD. and secure or remove any fire arms & medications (including those with OTC Tylenol).
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