Post by needsperspective on Jul 15, 2019 18:41:34 GMT
I need different perspectives on a recent situation. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I am a long time mostly lurking pea posting under another name.
In 2017, I reconnected with this man I was going out with in 1994-1995. We had always stayed in touch since, but had not seen each other since 2003 due to him living overseas. He was going back to the country he was living in and so we chatted and texted the whole year and he finally came back to my place to visit and we became intimate. He was always the one who would suggest we meet. In 2018 we saw each other three times, two in my country for a short period of time and one in his country for about 3 weeks. Each time things worked perfectly well and we had a Wonderful time. I am really easy going and he used to be a bit more rigid, although not that bad. There were never major disagreements and if there were small ones, we were always able to sort them out.
An important thing to know is that he turned 50 this spring and really hates the idea that he is getting older. He told me in no uncertain terms last fall, so I know for sure he is going through a crisis but I didn't expect it to be so bad. Never in the past had he made rude, insensitive or derogatory comments and so I wasn't expecting the following.
He was coming over for four nights five days and arrived last Friday. I picked him up at the airport and everything went well until Saturday night. We had an excellent time together.
Among other things, because there are a few more rude things that he said that I won't mention here because it will get too long, he told me twice that I should work out more (I do almost every day) to lose my belly. Mind you, I wear a size S most of the time in t-shirts, sometimes M, and size 27 in jeans. I don't see any problem with my belly. Of course it is not extremely flat but I am 44. It doesn't hang out or anything and is just a bit soft. He told me he could tell me those things because he knows he needs to lose weight himself, which is true, and wants to, so to him, it makes it acceptable.
I personally find these kind of comments unacceptable. I don't have issues with my body, I accept its imperfections, and with these silly comments my self esteem just went down the drain. He tried to make amends after the fact by telling me I look super hot and good, but really, just think before you speak. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was upset and that comments like that make me feel bad about myself and self conscious. Both conversations happened on consecutive days and he already knew I was upset the first day, so imo, it should have stopped there. The second discussion went a lot further as well, and during that, he demonstrated no willingness whatsoever to discuss serious questions like adults. He said, quote, I refuse to discuss emotions. Wow.
Yesterday and today, we were staying at a hotel in a city two hours away from mine. When we came back to the hotel last night, after having drinks (he had way more than me), I was just walking around in a tank top and sexy panties that I bought just because I think they are funny since they match one of my sweaters which has three keyholes in the front. These panties are bumless panties with three keyholes in the back, just so you have an idea what they look like.
So, as I came out of the bathroom, he saw them (I have two different ones) and said you're wearing these? Honestly, they look gross. And you should have heard the tone.
Gross?!?? Knowing him, I know it wasn't in the sense of dirty, needing to be washed, but gross as in eyesore, ugly. I was extremely offended. I'm OK with you not liking the style, but don't tell me they are gross! It makes me think you think I am gross and disgusting. So I entered the bathroom to collect myself for two minutes before opening my big mouth and he fell asleep during that time.
This comment on top of the other comments on the same day about my appearance just drove me over the edge. Since he demonstrated absolutely no willingness to have a discussion with me earlier and I was so mad, I didn't want to bring it up because I knew it would be useless. So I did something very unusual and, I have to admit, not very mature maybe: I just let him sleep, packed my suitcase and left. I left this note by the bathroom sink for him to see: you using the word gross regarding me is the last straw. Enjoy the rest of your stay at hotel x. I am going back to (my city).
We drove there from my city in my car and he take the plane back in the city where we were staying, so I didn't leave him stranded.
I know perfectly well it might not be the most mature course of action, leaving like that without a conversation, but I was so mad I couldn't think straight and I really didn't want to get into a fight with him about it to try to make him understand how inappropriate comments like that are. So leaving appeared to be the best option at 4 in the morning.
So I guess my questions are as follows:
1) is it ever right to bring up somebody's weight and body shape if there are no health concerns, just aesthetic considerations, and was I in the wrong to be upset? My question applies to anybody, whatever the weight.
2) is it ever ok to leave like I did when someone is really rude and this person is not a stranger but someone close to you?
2) how would you react if somebody left without notice after you'd been a jerk to them and just left you a note explaining why they were leaving? That's assuming that you know that you'd be a jerk and own it. Would you contact them to try to make amends or just let it go and assume they are done with you? I don't really want to maintain any relationship from now on but I think apologies are in order in this case and i like to hear different points of views about that.
Thanks in advance. I am still upset by the whole thing.
In 2017, I reconnected with this man I was going out with in 1994-1995. We had always stayed in touch since, but had not seen each other since 2003 due to him living overseas. He was going back to the country he was living in and so we chatted and texted the whole year and he finally came back to my place to visit and we became intimate. He was always the one who would suggest we meet. In 2018 we saw each other three times, two in my country for a short period of time and one in his country for about 3 weeks. Each time things worked perfectly well and we had a Wonderful time. I am really easy going and he used to be a bit more rigid, although not that bad. There were never major disagreements and if there were small ones, we were always able to sort them out.
An important thing to know is that he turned 50 this spring and really hates the idea that he is getting older. He told me in no uncertain terms last fall, so I know for sure he is going through a crisis but I didn't expect it to be so bad. Never in the past had he made rude, insensitive or derogatory comments and so I wasn't expecting the following.
He was coming over for four nights five days and arrived last Friday. I picked him up at the airport and everything went well until Saturday night. We had an excellent time together.
Among other things, because there are a few more rude things that he said that I won't mention here because it will get too long, he told me twice that I should work out more (I do almost every day) to lose my belly. Mind you, I wear a size S most of the time in t-shirts, sometimes M, and size 27 in jeans. I don't see any problem with my belly. Of course it is not extremely flat but I am 44. It doesn't hang out or anything and is just a bit soft. He told me he could tell me those things because he knows he needs to lose weight himself, which is true, and wants to, so to him, it makes it acceptable.
I personally find these kind of comments unacceptable. I don't have issues with my body, I accept its imperfections, and with these silly comments my self esteem just went down the drain. He tried to make amends after the fact by telling me I look super hot and good, but really, just think before you speak. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was upset and that comments like that make me feel bad about myself and self conscious. Both conversations happened on consecutive days and he already knew I was upset the first day, so imo, it should have stopped there. The second discussion went a lot further as well, and during that, he demonstrated no willingness whatsoever to discuss serious questions like adults. He said, quote, I refuse to discuss emotions. Wow.
Yesterday and today, we were staying at a hotel in a city two hours away from mine. When we came back to the hotel last night, after having drinks (he had way more than me), I was just walking around in a tank top and sexy panties that I bought just because I think they are funny since they match one of my sweaters which has three keyholes in the front. These panties are bumless panties with three keyholes in the back, just so you have an idea what they look like.
So, as I came out of the bathroom, he saw them (I have two different ones) and said you're wearing these? Honestly, they look gross. And you should have heard the tone.
Gross?!?? Knowing him, I know it wasn't in the sense of dirty, needing to be washed, but gross as in eyesore, ugly. I was extremely offended. I'm OK with you not liking the style, but don't tell me they are gross! It makes me think you think I am gross and disgusting. So I entered the bathroom to collect myself for two minutes before opening my big mouth and he fell asleep during that time.
This comment on top of the other comments on the same day about my appearance just drove me over the edge. Since he demonstrated absolutely no willingness to have a discussion with me earlier and I was so mad, I didn't want to bring it up because I knew it would be useless. So I did something very unusual and, I have to admit, not very mature maybe: I just let him sleep, packed my suitcase and left. I left this note by the bathroom sink for him to see: you using the word gross regarding me is the last straw. Enjoy the rest of your stay at hotel x. I am going back to (my city).
We drove there from my city in my car and he take the plane back in the city where we were staying, so I didn't leave him stranded.
I know perfectly well it might not be the most mature course of action, leaving like that without a conversation, but I was so mad I couldn't think straight and I really didn't want to get into a fight with him about it to try to make him understand how inappropriate comments like that are. So leaving appeared to be the best option at 4 in the morning.
So I guess my questions are as follows:
1) is it ever right to bring up somebody's weight and body shape if there are no health concerns, just aesthetic considerations, and was I in the wrong to be upset? My question applies to anybody, whatever the weight.
2) is it ever ok to leave like I did when someone is really rude and this person is not a stranger but someone close to you?
2) how would you react if somebody left without notice after you'd been a jerk to them and just left you a note explaining why they were leaving? That's assuming that you know that you'd be a jerk and own it. Would you contact them to try to make amends or just let it go and assume they are done with you? I don't really want to maintain any relationship from now on but I think apologies are in order in this case and i like to hear different points of views about that.
Thanks in advance. I am still upset by the whole thing.