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Post by librarylady on Aug 14, 2019 12:32:14 GMT
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Post by auntkelly on Aug 14, 2019 14:58:01 GMT
I have a close friend who divorced a narcissist three years' ago. It was awful.
At one point late in their marriage he had my friend and her doctors convinced that she had serious mental disorders and was suicidal and needed to be hospitalized for her own good. He told her that he had called me (I live in another town) and told me I needed to come visit her but I said I was "too busy."
When she got out of the hospital, she finally found a doctor who listened more to her than her husband. He weaned her off most of the heavy duty meds she had been taking and she began to see things clearly. With a lot of counseling, she finally realized that her husband had much more serious problems than she did.
She has been divorced for three years and is very happy. Her ex still occasionally sends her bizarre and/or manipulative texts, but they are becoming more infrequent. He recently sent her one stating that his lawyer agrees she is an unfit mother and he will be taking her back to court because of it. (The son is 26, has a good job, loves his mom, and lives on his own). The ex has sent her various texts saying things he thinks will entice her to come back to him such as: he is about to come into a big amount of money; he has a terminal illness; he has written a book which is going to be published by one of the big publishing houses and he is going to sue her for stealing part of his movie poster collection.
My friend calls me and we laugh when he sends these texts now, but there was a time when she believed every ridiculous thing he told her because she was so under his spell and he had beaten her down so badly.
Can you tell I hate this guy?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 28, 2024 18:20:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2019 15:13:30 GMT
I know a gentleman who had the divorce from hell. His ex had everyone convinced that he was a rapist, a wife-beater, a drug abuser and an alcoholic. She went to court when her attorney was on vacation and got an order of protection for her and their kids (he wasn't able to see or talk to them for 30 days). She then proceeded to literally chase him around their sons baseball games so she could have him arrested for violating the order. She was ordered to stay out of their marital residence. He came home from work one day and couldn't go in the house because she was there and wouldn't leave. Their bank accounts were frozen for 2 years because she stole something like 40K and only put back part of it. He estimates he spent about 30K trying to divorce her.
To this day she still keeps on with the harassment and tries to manipulate their kids who are now men. It's sad all the way around.
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Post by cheezitgirl on Aug 14, 2019 15:16:36 GMT
Hugs to everyone with a narcissist in their life! It is a bizarre vortex of soul crushing nonsense.
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Post by roberta on Aug 14, 2019 15:51:50 GMT
Yes, my ex. It was a horrible marriage and the divorce was even worse- a virtual nightmare!
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Post by tracyarts on Aug 14, 2019 15:56:43 GMT
Removing anyone with a personality disorder from your life is a nightmare, I couldn't imagine divorcing one.
The only way I've been able to remove people with PDs from my life has been to ghost them and pull a vanishing act, or wait for an exit opportunity and run with it. A few, I've been able to pull way back and go very low contact combined with gray rock. But I wasn't terribly close to them to begin with so there wasn't any backlash.
If I had to divorce a person with a PD, I'd probably cut my losses, make a run with only what I could carry in one load, go hide under a metaphorical rock, and let the lawyers handle the rest.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Aug 14, 2019 19:14:22 GMT
Thank you for these links!! My sister is over 5 years out and still struggling. Not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.
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MaryMary
Pearl Clutcher
Lazy
Posts: 2,974
Jun 25, 2014 21:56:13 GMT
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Post by MaryMary on Aug 15, 2019 5:26:22 GMT
What a nightmare. Narcissists are THE WORST.
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,885
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
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Post by snyder on Aug 15, 2019 6:00:49 GMT
My niece. She's 5.5 years out and he still gives her a hard time, their kids are grown, neither of which have anything to do with him, and he's remarried, but he thinks she wronged him so bad that she needs to pay for misery the rest of her life. He went through a mid-life crisis, sleeping with his son's girlfriend and he is the one that filed for the divorce. She ended up paying $17,000ish to her attorney and I think his was $14,000ish, all because he disputed and disputed and disputed as well as lied on so many occasions. Why he would do that, I have not idea because all their finances could be proven with print outs of accounts. Just horrible situation and I don't understand how someone can be so cruel.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 15, 2019 13:47:01 GMT
My DD is still married to hers and its hell, every single day.
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Post by tentoes on Aug 15, 2019 13:55:14 GMT
A close family member is going through a divorce right now. The wife is the narcissist. She has made his life a living hell. They have been married for 25 years.
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Post by quinlove on Aug 15, 2019 14:36:49 GMT
Throw in being a sociopath too, and you’ve got my ex sil. It’s been four years of hell and we’re sure it will never end. The short story I tell others is - he makes Satan look good. 😳
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Post by Mel on Aug 15, 2019 16:35:29 GMT
I was in a relationship with one. He blamed me for his divorce, he blamed me for his health issues (he is a walking time bomb when it comes to his health), he blamed me for having to "give up" his job (health reasons). If I hadn't "led him on" for so many years, promising to take care of him and make his life so much better, he wouldn't be where he is now. Ummmm... Nope!! NOT my problem!! As the one on the other side, I still have to remind myself that his issues are his own, and no matter how much I THOUGHT I missed the friendship, it wasn't a friendship. It's hard sometimes, but I haven't caved. I cut him out of my life and I'm NOT lookin back!!
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Post by kelly316 on Aug 17, 2019 15:42:59 GMT
Hugs to everyone with a narcissist in their life! It is a bizarre vortex of soul crushing nonsense. This may be the best description I have ever read!
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,530
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 17, 2019 15:53:04 GMT
Try being a therapist to one. An exercise in futility.
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Post by gryroagain on Aug 17, 2019 16:12:09 GMT
Oh hey, I see you know my husband🙄
No seriously, I am absolutely aghast at what I have done, listened to, and put with in the hope of making a nice life for my girls. I had to also be certifiable really. The last straw was quite a doozy (prostitutes!) but it’s not even that, it’s the years of wearing me down and making me believe (like really believe) I couldn’t do anything myself, removing me from all support (know how many times we saw my family over the years? Like 3-4. We saw his twice a year, but there was never time or money to go see mine...). And the thing is, he seems so normal, and intelligent, and progressive, and kind. But he is only in theory, with other people. With me, he had to own me. He would say “oh you should do xyz” but then make it utterly impossible to actually do it (like work, go back to school, etc). And then it was me failing again, because I’m just useless. I really cannot believe the number he did on my psyche..and I’m pretty beside myself knowing I had 2 girls (girls!) with this monster. Realizing the slow chipping away at what I can only describe as ,y personhood over the years is just terrifying. How, how could I let that happen...
I’m in therapy. And it’s going to be a long slog. And we haven’t even gotten to the ugly bits which will be ugly, because no way I’m walking away from what I am due. It’s taken 4 months for him to go see a lawyer just so we can file separation, he was meant to go in March and finally did a few weeks ago.
He is apoplectic I’ve told people exactly what is going on, he has told no one. Because it makes him “look bad”. Ya think?! You did those things dude, own it. But he cannot, he literally cannot. There is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with him.
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Post by Clair on Aug 17, 2019 18:47:34 GMT
Oh hey, I see you know my husband🙄 No seriously, I am absolutely aghast at what I have done, listened to, and put with in the hope of making a nice life for my girls. I had to also be certifiable really. The last straw was quite a doozy (prostitutes!) but it’s not even that, it’s the years of wearing me down and making me believe (like really believe) I couldn’t do anything myself, removing me from all support (know how many times we saw my family over the years? Like 3-4. We saw his twice a year, but there was never time or money to go see mine...). And the thing is, he seems so normal, and intelligent, and progressive, and kind. But he is only in theory, with other people. With me, he had to own me. He would say “oh you should do xyz” but then make it utterly impossible to actually do it (like work, go back to school, etc). And then it was me failing again, because I’m just useless. I really cannot believe the number he did on my psyche..and I’m pretty beside myself knowing I had 2 girls (girls!) with this monster. Realizing the slow chipping away at what I can only describe as ,y personhood over the years is just terrifying. How, how could I let that happen... I’m in therapy. And it’s going to be a long slog. And we haven’t even gotten to the ugly bits which will be ugly, because no way I’m walking away from what I am due. It’s taken 4 months for him to go see a lawyer just so we can file separation, he was meant to go in March and finally did a few weeks ago. He is apoplectic I’ve told people exactly what is going on, he has told no one. Because it makes him “look bad”. Ya think?! You did those things dude, own it. But he cannot, he literally cannot. There is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with him. Are we married to the same man? My my story is very similar. My husband messed with my psyche too. I didn’t see it happening but fortunately a switch has flipped in me and the real me is back. I’m in the process of a (seems like) never ending divorce. He filed and has done nothing - I’m spending a fortune and yet nothing is happening. He feels he knows what’s best and what a fair settlement for me is. He wants his awful actions ignored. He too, has told no one because it makes him look bad. I even “embarrassed” him by hiring an attorney. Someday I should write a book.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 17, 2019 19:20:32 GMT
I admire both of you for getting out of a bad situation. Hang in there--come here to vent and move on with your life.
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Post by kelly316 on Aug 18, 2019 13:29:19 GMT
Oh hey, I see you know my husband🙄 No seriously, I am absolutely aghast at what I have done, listened to, and put with in the hope of making a nice life for my girls. I had to also be certifiable really. The last straw was quite a doozy (prostitutes!) but it’s not even that, it’s the years of wearing me down and making me believe (like really believe) I couldn’t do anything myself, removing me from all support (know how many times we saw my family over the years? Like 3-4. We saw his twice a year, but there was never time or money to go see mine...). And the thing is, he seems so normal, and intelligent, and progressive, and kind. But he is only in theory, with other people. With me, he had to own me. He would say “oh you should do xyz” but then make it utterly impossible to actually do it (like work, go back to school, etc). And then it was me failing again, because I’m just useless. I really cannot believe the number he did on my psyche..and I’m pretty beside myself knowing I had 2 girls (girls!) with this monster. Realizing the slow chipping away at what I can only describe as ,y personhood over the years is just terrifying. How, how could I let that happen... I’m in therapy. And it’s going to be a long slog. And we haven’t even gotten to the ugly bits which will be ugly, because no way I’m walking away from what I am due. It’s taken 4 months for him to go see a lawyer just so we can file separation, he was meant to go in March and finally did a few weeks ago. He is apoplectic I’ve told people exactly what is going on, he has told no one. Because it makes him “look bad”. Ya think?! You did those things dude, own it. But he cannot, he literally cannot. There is something deeply, fundamentally wrong with him. Are we married to the same man? My my story is very similar. My husband messed with my psyche too. I didn’t see it happening but fortunately a switch has flipped in me and the real me is back. I’m in the process of a (seems like) never ending divorce. He filed and has done nothing - I’m spending a fortune and yet nothing is happening. He feels he knows what’s best and what a fair settlement for me is. He wants his awful actions ignored. He too, has told no one because it makes him look bad. I even “embarrassed” him by hiring an attorney. Someday I should write a book. Please do write a book! I don’t think there is enough information out there about this.
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Post by roberta on Aug 18, 2019 19:03:24 GMT
I admire both of you for getting out of a bad situation. Hang in there--come here to vent and move on with your life. Agree!
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,530
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 18, 2019 19:57:13 GMT
Are we married to the same man? My my story is very similar. My husband messed with my psyche too. I didn’t see it happening but fortunately a switch has flipped in me and the real me is back. I’m in the process of a (seems like) never ending divorce. He filed and has done nothing - I’m spending a fortune and yet nothing is happening. He feels he knows what’s best and what a fair settlement for me is. He wants his awful actions ignored. He too, has told no one because it makes him look bad. I even “embarrassed” him by hiring an attorney. Someday I should write a book. Please do write a book! I don’t think there is enough information out there about this. Yes! And what that switch is that finally flips that makes one realize what's going on would be helpful to so many women.
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Post by roundtwo on Aug 18, 2019 23:18:47 GMT
I don't know what the switch was but it is definitely real.
I think in my case, the switch was tripped when I was finally on my own and making all the decisions for me and my kids and suddenly realising that we were doing great. I wasn't hearing his constant criticism and his insults anymore so I wasn't second guessing or doubting myself and my abilities.
I had a very good lawyer and within a month of leaving him, I have never communicated directly with him. I think that was key in finding the switch too. I turned off his ability to badger and brow beat.
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