paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Sept 13, 2019 4:18:08 GMT
I think trying to find a fitness activity she enjoys might be your best option. Physical fitness will help her stay healthy. I find a lot of teenage girls around here love soul cycle or other spin classes. Could she try with a friend?
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939 
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Sept 13, 2019 4:24:24 GMT
Doctor visit too. My daughter's friend (17) has a tumor on her adrenal gland. It has caused all sorts health problems and weight gain.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,399
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Post by theshyone on Sept 13, 2019 8:10:09 GMT
My daughter started gaining weight at about that age. Turns out she has PCOS. She still struggles with her weight. My DD was diagnosed with this in March. Her dr put her on Metformin and suggested DD research how best to eat for someone who is probably insulin resistant. DD did and, with the exception of when she had surgery and I did her cooking, has stuck to the plan very closely. She’s down almost 40 lbs. Best of all, she’s stopped blaming herself for being overweight. She’s acknowledged that she’s overweight and she needs to make a change, but she’s not so angry with herself over it. Marcy Could you share what the plan is? Is there a specific book or something you preferred for this? |
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Post by Linda on Sept 13, 2019 12:07:33 GMT
I'll agree with what many said - don't over-focus on her weight/eating habits. It doesn't hurt to make sure the whole family is eating healthy - but I would make gradual changes like adding an extra vegetable at dinner and then adding fruit at dinner instead of dessert (maybe limit dessert to weekends or sundays or whathaveyou - we do holidays and birthdays) rather than a complete overvamp all at once which a)is hard to sustain and b) will make your DD feel like you're on her case and c) if the rest of the family complains, will make her feel like it's her fault.
Slowly substitute healthier snacks when you shop - or buy the portion controled packages (ie individual bags of chips vs a big bag). The key is slowly so it just becomes a change in the family routine/habits rather than a diet for DD
If you're going out to eat as a family - think about where you're going? Are there healthier options on the menu? I know that was something I struggled with when DS was home - DH wanted to eat lunch out regularly (I think he does anyway but we were car-sharing so we picked him up and all went out) and portions were just too much for me and the choices - sometimes there wasn't a good choice. Don't push DD towards ordering salad but perhaps model picking healthier options yourself
And yes - make sure stuff like thyroid, PCOS, depression have been either ruled out or treated
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Post by trixiecat on Sept 13, 2019 12:10:34 GMT
I completely model healthy eating and exercise. During the summer my husband and I go for walks and bike ride and will invite her, but she chooses to not go. I do need to find some places to go that would be interesting and fun, that would naturally incorporate some walking/hiking...like someone mentioned apple picking. Just anything to get her to move more.
Depressed? I think so. To make a long story short, she was a happy go lucky kid until she hit the beginning of 10th grade (that is when our high school starts). A good friend of hers started bullying her and she was feeling alot of pressure about being a leader on her basketball team. And then the concussion came. She appears to have no self confidence and is only truly happy and smiling when she is with her boyfriend. She has no desire to do anything to make herself look better. No make-up, she wears leggings and men's large t-shirts to school every day. Her boyfriend is an athlete and thin. So he models good behavior. She just seems to be happy with the way she is and not want to feel the pressure to change.
She had thyroid testing done almost two years ago when this started and it was negative. They want her to be tested again, but she is refusing to go. I need to make this happen.
Yes, she does need loved unconditionally. She thinks I don't like her. Obviously my suggestions have not gone over well in the past and I have tried to change how I come across. We don't keep alot of junk in the house but I could do a better job with that. We don't drink soda and only have sweets in the house if we have company over and need a dessert. I need to keep cut up fruits in the house for her to hopefully grab. She loves cheese and will bring different kinds home from work or guacamole and chips. She works at a grocery.
I believe all bodies come in different sizes and shapes as well. But it is concerning when you see your teen gain so much weight over a two year period of time and they have stretch marks going all down their legs due to the rapid increase in weight. She likes to lay in bed alot and watch a tv show or talk to her boyfriend for long periods of time.
I need to run, but I want to read through all the responses again because they are good reminders. I will talk to the doctor about ordering the testing again and figure out a way for her to maybe be evaluated for depression - although I know she will be against it.
I like the idea of having her help with meals some nights.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Sept 13, 2019 12:27:24 GMT
What can you do? Get rid of all sodas, sweet teas, sugary drinks, diet sodas.
Provide healthy teas, Waters, a big pitcher full of fruit water in the fridge.
Healthy smoothies for breakfast. (We do all fruit and veggie, no added sugar smoothies in the morning) sometimes with a protein powder.
And you mentioned her birth mom was large. Sometimes hereditary issues just cannot be worked around.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,602
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Sept 13, 2019 12:35:17 GMT
As a mom of a teenage daughter who has teenage friends - they come in all shapes & sizes. I understand your concern but this is such a hard time for girls with looks/self esteem/stress. I would let it go. All of it. The thought that you are planning on walking the length of the parking lot at the mall so she gets exercise is a bit much. She knows what she weighs. She knows you think it is unhealthy. Cook healthy dinners, have healthy snacks, offer active trips but don't be upset if she chooses to not eat/do those things. My daughter would rather do anything but walk with me. At this point I think you need to focus on loving her regardless of her size (I am sure you do but I am not sure she is getting that message). I think you need to come to terms that she might be large like her birth mom and accept her for that. If and when she is ready to make changes, she will. This ^^^^ you really need to back off - she knows that she s not a size 2. she doesn't need you to tell her how big she is. Love her as she is. She will lose weight when she chooses not because because you are telling her to. |
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Post by mustlovecats on Sept 13, 2019 12:53:36 GMT
I completely model healthy eating and exercise. During the summer my husband and I go for walks and bike ride and will invite her, but she chooses to not go. I do need to find some places to go that would be interesting and fun, that would naturally incorporate some walking/hiking...like someone mentioned apple picking. Just anything to get her to move more. Depressed? I think so. To make a long story short, she was a happy go lucky kid until she hit the beginning of 10th grade (that is when our high school starts). A good friend of hers started bullying her and she was feeling alot of pressure about being a leader on her basketball team. And then the concussion came. She appears to have no self confidence and is only truly happy and smiling when she is with her boyfriend. She has no desire to do anything to make herself look better. No make-up, she wears leggings and men's large t-shirts to school every day. Her boyfriend is an athlete and thin. So he models good behavior. She just seems to be happy with the way she is and not want to feel the pressure to change. She had thyroid testing done almost two years ago when this started and it was negative. They want her to be tested again, but she is refusing to go. I need to make this happen. Yes, she does need loved unconditionally. She thinks I don't like her. Obviously my suggestions have not gone over well in the past and I have tried to change how I come across. We don't keep alot of junk in the house but I could do a better job with that. We don't drink soda and only have sweets in the house if we have company over and need a dessert. I need to keep cut up fruits in the house for her to hopefully grab. She loves cheese and will bring different kinds home from work or guacamole and chips. She works at a grocery. I believe all bodies come in different sizes and shapes as well. But it is concerning when you see your teen gain so much weight over a two year period of time and they have stretch marks going all down their legs due to the rapid increase in weight. She likes to lay in bed alot and watch a tv show or talk to her boyfriend for long periods of time. I need to run, but I want to read through all the responses again because they are good reminders. I will talk to the doctor about ordering the testing again and figure out a way for her to maybe be evaluated for depression - although I know she will be against it. I like the idea of having her help with meals some nights. If she thinks you don’t like her or love her, this is going to be a wound that is only going to make this all worse. If this is the dynamic I think family therapy would not be out of order. I would stop talking about her weight and health at all and go work on your relationship. I don’t mean to say this to be harsh. I have been on both sides of this with a mother who doesn’t really like me but needs me, and a daughter who thought for some time that she wasn’t well loved at home. Both can get a lot better but it takes work. |
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Post by Merge on Sept 13, 2019 12:58:43 GMT
I completely model healthy eating and exercise. During the summer my husband and I go for walks and bike ride and will invite her, but she chooses to not go. I do need to find some places to go that would be interesting and fun, that would naturally incorporate some walking/hiking...like someone mentioned apple picking. Just anything to get her to move more. Depressed? I think so. To make a long story short, she was a happy go lucky kid until she hit the beginning of 10th grade (that is when our high school starts). A good friend of hers started bullying her and she was feeling alot of pressure about being a leader on her basketball team. And then the concussion came. She appears to have no self confidence and is only truly happy and smiling when she is with her boyfriend. She has no desire to do anything to make herself look better. No make-up, she wears leggings and men's large t-shirts to school every day. Her boyfriend is an athlete and thin. So he models good behavior. She just seems to be happy with the way she is and not want to feel the pressure to change. She had thyroid testing done almost two years ago when this started and it was negative. They want her to be tested again, but she is refusing to go. I need to make this happen. Yes, she does need loved unconditionally. She thinks I don't like her. Obviously my suggestions have not gone over well in the past and I have tried to change how I come across. We don't keep alot of junk in the house but I could do a better job with that. We don't drink soda and only have sweets in the house if we have company over and need a dessert. I need to keep cut up fruits in the house for her to hopefully grab. She loves cheese and will bring different kinds home from work or guacamole and chips. She works at a grocery. I believe all bodies come in different sizes and shapes as well. But it is concerning when you see your teen gain so much weight over a two year period of time and they have stretch marks going all down their legs due to the rapid increase in weight. She likes to lay in bed alot and watch a tv show or talk to her boyfriend for long periods of time. I need to run, but I want to read through all the responses again because they are good reminders. I will talk to the doctor about ordering the testing again and figure out a way for her to maybe be evaluated for depression - although I know she will be against it. I like the idea of having her help with meals some nights. If she thinks you don’t like her or love her, this is going to be a wound that is only going to make this all worse. If this is the dynamic I think family therapy would not be out of order. I would stop talking about her weight and health at all and go work on your relationship. I don’t mean to say this to be harsh. I have been on both sides of this with a mother who doesn’t really like me but needs me, and a daughter who thought for some time that she wasn’t well loved at home. Both can get a lot better but it takes work. Agree. My relationship with my mom was marred by many things, but the strong knowledge I had that she was disappointed that I was not thinner persisted well into adulthood and was never resolved because she died. But what I knew, and have had to work through on my own, is that I could never be thin enough or Catholic enough for my mom. The accomplishments - academic, musical - that were important to me were of very little value to her. Could I gently suggest that you (OP) take a look at what makes your daughter happy? What is she proud of? What does she like to do? Can you spend time building her up on those things instead of focusing on her weight? |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Sept 13, 2019 14:56:54 GMT
The way I see it is she is looking at all of your suggestions to eat better and move more as a slam on who she is right now. The more you focus on those things, the worse she is going to feel about herself because in her eyes it seems like you don’t think she’s good enough the way she is. Kids aren’t going to buy into the “I just want you to be healthy” concept, heck, most overweight people don’t. All she is hearing is, “You’re not like me and I want you to be.” The fact that she’s adopted probably compounds that feeling.
My DH was overweight and got to the point of being morbidly obese. There wasn’t a single thing I could say to him that he wouldn’t take as a slam, so I just couldn’t say anything about it at all. He had to make the decision for himself that this was something he wanted to work on, and he’s done a really great job since he has been putting his mind to it. So far he’s lost about 40 pounds which is great. He’s still overweight but he’s making progress and that’s what matters.
It sounds like she’s had a bit of a rough time recently and it’s taken a toll. All you can really do is love her and give her healthier options at home and praise her for the things she does take on and excels in. Encourage her to find the things (anything) she loves to do, enjoys and is good at regardless of whether it’s an active or sedentary thing. Let her be proud of herself for something to help her build her confidence. Being a teen girl is hard enough without your mom constantly fretting over and focusing on every pound. Let it go.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 13, 2019 15:26:10 GMT
Could I gently suggest that you (OP) take a look at what makes your daughter happy? What is she proud of? What does she like to do? Can you spend time building her up on those things instead of focusing on her weight? ^^^ YES. If she's depressed and has had issues since basketball left her life, and since the concussion, then you need to figure out other ways to boost her self-image and self-esteem and NOT be focus on her looks or her weight. What do you / she like about her that has NOTHING to do with her physical appearance at all?? THAT is what's important. Her self-worth as a WHOLE PERSON, not just her weight and physical appearance. and I don't know what your relationship is like with her birthmom, but if your daughter takes after her physically, could your daughter be getting the impression that you don't accept her or love her as much as if she was your biological child? Since you seem focused on wanting her to 'change' how she looks (by losing weight)? I know I'm reaching here, but if she's very different physically, and she's adopted, that might be playing into it as well?? People with self-esteem and depression issues (waves hand wildly) have some wacky, skewed self-talk going on inside their head, and it's VERY TOUGH to get it to change if a parent keeps stressing the very thing the person has issues with. eta: I should have just kept reading and said  to crazy4scraps response. |
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Post by shevy on Sept 13, 2019 15:34:41 GMT
I bolded this because it's the best approach with anyone. |
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Post by jassy on Sept 13, 2019 15:39:37 GMT
I missed the fact that your daughter was adopted the first time around. As the adoptive mother of two sons ages 21 and 18, I am going to say *lay off the weight COMPLETELY*. The most important thing for your child's self-esteem and mental health, perhaps more than non-adopted children, is the need to FEEL that she is loved and accepted by you for who she is. All of her. Every bit.
There can be so much at play here. Her birthmother was larger? Yes, there is probably a genetic predisposition. The concussion, losing her sport, perhaps being depressed, and yes, likely thinking about some adoption issues differently than she did as a child, point to her needed someone to talk to about all of this. She is vulnerable to so much right now. Honestly, you don't need to be so concerned about her weight right now, just concerned about HER.
My oldest son, who has always been the happiest, kindest kid I've known, started to struggle around 17 when he was close to launching from the home and to college. We got him into therapy where he started to work out his complicated feelings about his adoption - he loves us, knows we love him, but worries about his birthparents and wonders what made him unkeepable/unlovable to them (how he felt about it). Your daughter can subconsciously be testing your love right now - if I'm all these things my mom doesn't like - overweight, not taking care of my appearance, "lazy" - can she still like and love me.
The liklihood that this is a medical issue, especially given the testing already done, seems small. Seems like it's something else going on. Take care of her mental health, and stop worrying about the shape of her body for the moment.
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Post by scrapmaven on Sept 13, 2019 15:52:24 GMT
Your dd must own her body. In order to do that you must give it up. I was overweight at that age and my mother did everything she could to lose my weight for me. (Her words.) One time we had company and she served cake for dessert. Then she brought out a dish of applesauce and put it in front both her plate and mine, saying, "Everyone else gets dessert, but we get applesauce, because we're fat". It was humiliating and wrong. She would send me to diet places that would make me feel as though I was an irresponsible, super obese piece of dirt. In fact, I was just 20 lbs overweight or so. My weight was constantly on her mind and she mentioned it often. She was slightly overweight and she was trying to lose her weight through me. In the end, it created an eating disorder. I needed a good therapist, not a diet.
Perhaps your dd has some issues both physical and emotional around her concussion. It changed her life dramatically. Maybe talking to a good therapist would be helpful if she's using food for comfort. First, I would try laying off any weight or food comments. She might be building a little resentment that she can't be fit like you, because she knows it's a big deal to you. Automatically, she would go to that place of "I'm not enough".
It's a tricky situation. Leave it alone. You model healthy eating and exercise. That's enough. She likely is eating junk food and she might be sneaking food, but that's her issue and the more you try and stop this the more likely she'll be to develop an eating disorder.
Being a parent is hard work isn't it?
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 13, 2019 16:36:40 GMT
I completely model healthy eating and exercise. During the summer my husband and I go for walks and bike ride and will invite her, but she chooses to not go. I do need to find some places to go that would be interesting and fun, that would naturally incorporate some walking/hiking...like someone mentioned apple picking. Just anything to get her to move more. Depressed? I think so. To make a long story short, she was a happy go lucky kid until she hit the beginning of 10th grade (that is when our high school starts). A good friend of hers started bullying her and she was feeling alot of pressure about being a leader on her basketball team. And then the concussion came. She appears to have no self confidence and is only truly happy and smiling when she is with her boyfriend. She has no desire to do anything to make herself look better. No make-up, she wears leggings and men's large t-shirts to school every day. Her boyfriend is an athlete and thin. So he models good behavior. She just seems to be happy with the way she is and not want to feel the pressure to change. She had thyroid testing done almost two years ago when this started and it was negative. They want her to be tested again, but she is refusing to go. I need to make this happen. Yes, she does need loved unconditionally. She thinks I don't like her. Obviously my suggestions have not gone over well in the past and I have tried to change how I come across. We don't keep alot of junk in the house but I could do a better job with that. We don't drink soda and only have sweets in the house if we have company over and need a dessert. I need to keep cut up fruits in the house for her to hopefully grab. She loves cheese and will bring different kinds home from work or guacamole and chips. She works at a grocery. I believe all bodies come in different sizes and shapes as well. But it is concerning when you see your teen gain so much weight over a two year period of time and they have stretch marks going all down their legs due to the rapid increase in weight. She likes to lay in bed alot and watch a tv show or talk to her boyfriend for long periods of time. I need to run, but I want to read through all the responses again because they are good reminders. I will talk to the doctor about ordering the testing again and figure out a way for her to maybe be evaluated for depression - although I know she will be against it. I like the idea of having her help with meals some nights. My comments on what I've bolded: My kids choose not to go on walks/hikes/bike rides with us any more somewhere around 12-14 when they were old enough to stay home alone. There is nothing unusual about that. In fact, I find that behavior completely age appropriate. Teens don't want to hang out with their parents. DH dropped our family membership at the gym because he was the only one going. He was heartbroken when DD(22) signed up at another gym. It wasn't about him, but she wasn't interested in a gym that appealed to families and "old people".  You are also describing my DD in HS: super body conscious (hated her large breasts), no make up, hair in a ponytail, etc. I don't think this is at all unusual. Not all young women are into hair and make-up. Your DD's boyfriend being an athlete and thin does NOT equal modeling good eating habits. I can only think of one young man between all of DD and DS's friends that gave a second thought to nutrition. IME, athletic young men eat and eat and eat. They eat nutritious foods from their parents and pizza, fries, tacos, sodas, energy drinks, chips, and whatever they get their hands on with friends all day long. I think the likelihood of your DD having a medical issue is very low. Her resistance to getting tested tells me she knows exactly why she has put on weight and isn't looking for a reason to confirm it.  |
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Post by trixiecat on Sept 13, 2019 17:04:41 GMT
Again, you guys are the best. You are completely 100% correct that I need to not bring up her weight and just continue to love her the way she is. I have been good up until yesterday at the doctor's appointment about not talking about food, weight, exercise, etc. Just seeing the extra 10 pounds made me express my concern again. Part of it is about the pounds, but a bigger part is what health issues she is setting herself up for in the future. As some of you said, she feels like she is not enough.
The few things she does in her life we praise her for and celebrate with her. We know how important her boyfriend is to her (they are at the 2 year point) so we welcome him alot into our home for dinner and hanging out. And it helps we like him. That is when she is at her happiest. Most other times she is in her bed doing homework or talking to him or watching tv. She doesn't really have hardly any interests.
Neither one of my kids ever talks about their adoptions, but it wouldn't surprise me if deep down she wonders about being given away.
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Post by prapea on Sept 13, 2019 17:05:09 GMT
Random thoughts and these are my personal opinions and there is no order/rhyme or reason in which I wrote the below essay lol.
I was underweight for the first 24 years of my life. And anyone who knows me and saw me eat my meals never questioned me because they saw I ate but just wasn’t gaining weight. I also was hungry every two hours and could only eat small meals.
Thyroid issues hit and then I had a kid at 24 and I gained weight. I haven’t been underweight since then. However, it still hurt to hear people talk about why I was skinny and may be I am anorexic and all that.
My now 12 year old DS is also skinny and is very sensitive about his height and weight. I packed all the weighing machines from the house and threw them in the garage. Told him how to cope with people commenting on our body irrespective of our weight (fat/skinny/plump/whatever).
Another personal opinion of mine: whether we agree or not, as society we still push for people fitting our “normal” of how another person should look in the name of “I just want him/her to be healthy”.
I never worked out in my life and started few years ago when I was put on anti-depressants as I was diagnosed with depression and was having suicidal thoughts. I can tell you with 100% honesty that I workout for my emotional health. My body transformation is just a by product of it but not the main reason why I work out.
Do you think your daughter doesn’t realize that you parked the car far away just to make her walk? She is young but not stupid.
If I were you, I would back off from every conversation about weight/health and what not.
Get her to an endocrinologist and get her thyroid levels checked. And I say go for family therapy and she needs individual therapy too. Find a PCP who understands her and can be non-judgmental with her.
Going to gym/working out/being active has to come from within. I equate it to addiction. You cannot make someone quit drinking/doing drugs. They have to realize themselves that they need help.
You also said she had a concussion. If possible, get another follow up check up for that.
I would call a family meeting and say to her - “I am truly sorry that I have been talking about your weight and your health. I am no longer going to do it. If you see me say or do something where you feel that I am indirectly pushing you to lose weight, please let me know immediately so I can see how my words are impacting. I might be doing it without even realizing. Please give me some time to change my thoughts and attitude about physical appearances. I love you and there is nothing in the world that would stop me from loving you”
Whenever my son and I have a bad day..as in I yelled at him for not doing his stuff or something like that, I always tell him at the end of the night, “Whatever we had today, it doesn’t change my love for you. I still love you the same exact amount and more. Most of the times it comes from a place of fear for your future and I am also learning in this parenting thing.”
And as parents, we also do not apologize to our kids when we do something that hurts their feelings. We cover it with, “that is what parents say/do.” “He/she should know better and do better.” All the while forgetting the fact that, they are just kids and want to be kids around us. I am 38 and I totally act like a 13 year old with my parents at times just because it is fun and where else can I be completely myself? Because I know they love me no matter what I say and do.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 13, 2019 17:14:27 GMT
I would call a family meeting and say to her - “I am truly sorry that I have been talking about your weight and your health. I am no longer going to do it. If you see me say or do something where you feel that I am indirectly pushing you to lose weight, please let me know immediately so I can see how my words are impacting. I might be doing it without even realizing. Please give me some time to change my thoughts and attitude about physical appearances. I love you and there is nothing in the world that would stop me from loving you” Yes! |
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Post by Prenticekid on Sept 13, 2019 17:24:19 GMT
Don't talk about it anymore. Don't mention it at all.
Have healthy food in the house. Live your own healthy lifestyle. Participate in positive activities with her. Have fun. That will hit all the positives for her, which is what she needs most. You talking about it to her just causes stress.
Bottom line, your DD is old enough to know what she needs to do and not do....just like the rest of us.
I tried to talk to my DD when she started gaining weight. I was overweight and didn't want her to go down the same path. I truly believe that if I had just shut up, she would have been better off. And, I regret not being a better example for her. I'm not saying that would have changed things, but we both would have had it better much sooner
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Post by trixiecat on Sept 13, 2019 17:40:28 GMT
Prapea, that you for all you said. I like the idea of sitting down with her and apologizing and having her call me on the carpet if I do it in the future. Also, I worded it wrong about the trip to the mall. What I meant to say was park at the mall and the two stores she wanted to go to happened to be at opposite ends of the mall, so overall, that would be an activity versus walking at home. I obviously didn't say this to her, but it went through my mind.
I need to figure out some fun activities to keep her moving. It is hard because when she isn't going to school and working, she is with her boyfriend alot..or recently a girlfriend when he isn't available. We have apple orchards nearby and we did that when she was younger. And she has some college visits coming up. We could plan to look at a few more schools also since she is still undecided.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Sept 13, 2019 18:47:44 GMT
I need to figure out some fun activities to keep her moving. It is hard because when she isn't going to school and working, she is with her boyfriend alot..or recently a girlfriend when he isn't available. We have apple orchards nearby and we did that when she was younger. And she has some college visits coming up. We could plan to look at a few more schools also since she is still undecided. Can you try family activities that simply get her up and going? If she doesn't have a lot of energy and stamina, starting out with things that require endurance might quickly become off-putting. Mini golf? A not-too-long forest walk? Theme park visit (a lot of steps to get to all your rides and you get to have a special treat as well so it's a very well disguised fitness day)? Visiting a nearby city for a day with a museum pass that will require walking + public transport? A tree top adventure course? The idea is to get her in an environment exciting enough to leave the comfort of going from car seat to door. She might already have discussed places she'd like to go, things she'd like to try. This would be the perfect moment to dip into those. Don't exclude food from these adventures either. If you're going to visit something with her for the day, make reservations to eat somewhere nice where she can have an enjoyable relationship with food (less junk, more gourmet) and feel comfortable ordering + eating in your company. Bonus: it will help with family bonding and she might start looking forward to + planning the next family/mother-daughter outing. |
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Post by ladytrisha on Sept 13, 2019 21:22:00 GMT
Mom - you really need to lay off the judgments. You say you're being helpful, but the way you write about "stretch marks all down her legs" that gives so much away about how you SEE her.
I grew up taking after my Dad's side of the family - look at food and I gain. All I heard was "such a pretty face"; my body was compared to my parent's friends' daughter (who is still a size 2 at 55); my Mom set up the foods my sisters could have in a locked cabinet (hostess, cereals, etc.) and then I could have foods acceptable to her (fruit, veggies, etc.). They had different foods at dinner, lunch, etc. Everything was sacrificing to "help" me.
And none of it NONE OF IT worked. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and how to cope with it, that even I'm tired of it. Those negative comments you make, the faces you make? They stay in her head, they get repeated, distorted and twisted. Just please try to stop - and if you can't then YOU see someone on how to be better. Believe it or not, you can just be with her, watch TV, play a game or just go to an outing that doesn't involve how many steps or hikes you take.
Sorry for the tone, but so much of this was my childhood - and it only got worse. SO much worse.
I've had 3 WLS - and when my MIL's chaos started I gained it all back - because it's my coping skill. Your daughter finding hers is key - but SHE has to want it - not have you force it.
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Post by prapea on Sept 13, 2019 22:32:34 GMT
OP, I think you are misunderstanding what some of us are trying to say.
From where I stand, the issue is not your daughter’s weight or her appearance. The issue that you need to work on first is you and your opinion and behavior towards your kid’s physical appearance. Stop thinking about it. Stop talking about it. It will only make it worse for you and her. Whether you say it out loud or not is not important. You just need to stop thinking about it. That might ease the judgement.
If I knew my boyfriend loves me the way I am and for who I am, and my mom is judging me for my physical appearance, guess who will take precedence and importance in my life? Guess where I would be most hours?
I think before you talk to her, sit and think if you are seriously done judging her and want to start fresh or if it is still an issue.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Sept 13, 2019 22:42:37 GMT
I'm wondering how much you've discussed her giving up basketball and the impact on her. If it's like most of the sports around here, it was probably a huge part of her life - including friend group. I would actually be much more concerned with how she's handling that transition than the number on the scale. One of the girls in my daughters extra-curricular suffered a severe injury last year and in talking with her mom it's been extremely difficult. She went from devoting herself to an activity that she loved with all the associated confidence boosters and spending 15-20 hours a week with a group - to being just adrift. All of her good friends were in the activities, a lot of her self identity was tied up with being part of the group. It's a lot for a teen who's already dealing with all the other teen stuff to deal with.
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Post by PEAcan pie on Sept 13, 2019 22:57:58 GMT
What can you do? Get rid of all sodas, sweet teas, sugary drinks, diet sodas. Provide healthy teas, Waters, a big pitcher full of fruit water in the fridge. Healthy smoothies for breakfast. (We do all fruit and veggie, no added sugar smoothies in the morning) sometimes with a protein powder. And you mentioned her birth mom was large. Sometimes hereditary issues just cannot be worked around. Hereditary issues. I am a firm believer this is a huge proponent and hopefully one day they will find a cure. My grandmother, Mother, Sister, myself and Daughter all struggle! I have watched what I eat all my life, I remember as early as third grade. Many family members have had weight loss surgery and still gained the weight back. If I am super strict and exercise, I sort of maintain an acceptable weight for me. Which is not thin! A size 14ish. When I go off I gain so fast! I work so darn hard at it! I have friends that do not exercise and eat more than myself and they are thinner naturally. If they ate/exercised like me they would be underweight. In College, I was friends with someone that complained she could not keep weight on and it bothered her sooo much. She was very underweight and she had huge calorie dense shakes every day. I was so envious. My Sons are naturally thin and can eat anything and they have a hard time keeping weight on. My Daughter eats much less than them (gymnast/lacrosse etc) and she is borderline overweight, I am trying so hard to watch/help her and not cause her to have an eating disorder. She too has friends that are so skinny and eat so much. I just wish they could find a way to regulate the hereditary component of metabolism. It just is so unfair to have this stacked against a person, it is hard enough to maintain a healthy weight but add this to the mix just causes so much mental anguish through a lifetime. I am trying a new way of eating and it seemed to help me. I eat only from noon to 6:00 Monday-Friday (most of the time at least) Usually hard-boiled eggs, salad, tuna, chicken all the healthy foods. I allow one piece of Pizza a week etc. I have been able to maintain my weight for the most part. Work out at planet fitness 3 times per week. I also walk 8000+ steps at work. I did gain 12 pounds when I went on vacation and I was very active!! I wish I had an easy answer. I have a friend that went to an endocrinologist and she said the meds he gave her helped, so I plan to make an appointment for myself and Daughter. |
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Post by ameslou on Sept 13, 2019 23:48:11 GMT
My DD (15) shares a lot of things with yours. She was also depressed, and I lucked into finding a great therapist for her. She’s been going to every other week for several months and it has made a HUGE difference for her. She’s much happier and is making progress in some key areas. That being said ... “losing” weight hasn’t really happened for her, but she’s hasn’t gained.
She asked to work with a personal trainer ... I was really resisting this bc it’s not cheap .... but again, we lucked into someone who’s great for her. I ended up saying yes bc she needed to get some exercise. And she HAS had some impressive fitness gains. Again - she hasn’t lost weight, but she is stronger, has better cardiovascular fitness and is happier.
I do agree with the advice not to talk about her weight. I do not ever bring it up. She talks about it sometimes, and talks about what she wants to change up to try to lose weight.... but all I do is listen and be supportive... I don’t offer opinions about whether or not I think it will work or even mention her follow through. I’m ONLY following her lead.
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Post by ameslou on Sept 13, 2019 23:49:05 GMT
My DD (15) shares a lot of things with yours. She was also depressed, and I lucked into finding a great therapist for her. She’s been going to every other week for several months and it has made a HUGE difference for her. She’s much happier and is making progress in some key areas. That being said ... “losing” weight hasn’t really happened for her, but she’s hasn’t gained.
She asked to work with a personal trainer ... I was really resisting this bc it’s not cheap .... but again, we lucked into someone who’s great for her. I ended up saying yes bc she needed to get some exercise. And she HAS had some impressive fitness gains. Again - she hasn’t lost weight, but she is stronger, has better cardiovascular fitness and is happier.
I do agree with the advice not to talk about her weight. I do not ever bring it up. She talks about it sometimes, and talks about what she wants to change up to try to lose weight.... but all I do is listen and be supportive... I don’t offer opinions about whether or not I think it will work or even mention her follow through. I’m ONLY following her lead.
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Post by elaine on Sept 14, 2019 0:24:00 GMT
I completely model healthy eating and exercise. During the summer my husband and I go for walks and bike ride and will invite her, but she chooses to not go. I do need to find some places to go that would be interesting and fun, that would naturally incorporate some walking/hiking...like someone mentioned apple picking. Just anything to get her to move more. Depressed? I think so. To make a long story short, she was a happy go lucky kid until she hit the beginning of 10th grade (that is when our high school starts). A good friend of hers started bullying her and she was feeling alot of pressure about being a leader on her basketball team. And then the concussion came. She appears to have no self confidence and is only truly happy and smiling when she is with her boyfriend. She has no desire to do anything to make herself look better. No make-up, she wears leggings and men's large t-shirts to school every day. Her boyfriend is an athlete and thin. So he models good behavior. She just seems to be happy with the way she is and not want to feel the pressure to change. She had thyroid testing done almost two years ago when this started and it was negative. They want her to be tested again, but she is refusing to go. I need to make this happen. Yes, she does need loved unconditionally. She thinks I don't like her. Obviously my suggestions have not gone over well in the past and I have tried to change how I come across. We don't keep alot of junk in the house but I could do a better job with that. We don't drink soda and only have sweets in the house if we have company over and need a dessert. I need to keep cut up fruits in the house for her to hopefully grab. She loves cheese and will bring different kinds home from work or guacamole and chips. She works at a grocery. I believe all bodies come in different sizes and shapes as well. But it is concerning when you see your teen gain so much weight over a two year period of time and they have stretch marks going all down their legs due to the rapid increase in weight. She likes to lay in bed alot and watch a tv show or talk to her boyfriend for long periods of time. I need to run, but I want to read through all the responses again because they are good reminders. I will talk to the doctor about ordering the testing again and figure out a way for her to maybe be evaluated for depression - although I know she will be against it. I like the idea of having her help with meals some nights. I hesitate to mention this (because the issue is really more about how YOU let go and let her be responsible for her body) but cheese, guacamole, and chips are all high calorie and high fat foods. I love cheese. And I could easily give up meat if I could eat as much cheese as I wanted in its place. BUT, cheese is high fat and highly caloric. Lean meat - like chicken breast - has MUCH less fat and calories than cheese. Same with avocados. Her eating a large amount of cheese and avocados/guacamole means she may be eating as many calories as she needs for a whole day in just one snack. You keep saying over and over that she lays in bed and watches television for hours. No one in our house watches t.v. in bed, because we don’t have televisions in our bedrooms here. I was pampered with a television in our master bedroom when I was going through chemo, but that was it. Unless there is a good reason, it is okay to keep t.v.’s to living spaces where people usually sit up to watch television. And get up during commercials to switch laundry from the washer to the dryer, or empty the dishwasher, etc., during commercial breaks. |
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by mlana on Sept 14, 2019 2:12:05 GMT
Could you share what the plan is? Is there a specific book or something you preferred for this? She and her dr discussed counting and lowering her carbs. She started out on a single low dose of extended release Metformin, taken at night before bed, to minimize her nausea. She lowered her carbs but nowhere near as low as Atkins, something like 100g of carbs per day, maybe? She started out higher on her carbs and slowly emptied out her pantry of the higher carb food, so it wasn’t an overnight thing. She met with a nutrition/dietician recently and they wanted to lower her carbs and daily calories even more, so she is trying to cut down so much each week. Marcy |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
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Post by luvnlifelady on Sept 14, 2019 9:54:54 GMT
I wish you well in getting your daughter help. Both of my kids have weight issues as I do as well. I’m very concerned, especially for my son. He’s only 19 but I wish he would get healthier. He lives with his dad and any concerns put to him regarding this fall on deaf ears.. I feel if we don’t do something about it soon while we still have a bit of influence and control that it will be too late.
My son works nights with his job as a freelancer covering emergencies for the media. I’m deeply concerned that he’s not living a normal life for someone his age. It’s like he has vampire hours or something. I wish someone would reach out to him and help him. I feel he is hiding from the world. He had severe high school attendance issues and I feel like he is avoiding people.
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