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Post by trixiecat on Sept 14, 2019 11:09:43 GMT
Prapea, I agree that part of this is me needing to let go of my opinions about my daughter's weight. It is just hard to see that every time you take her to the doctors see keeps gaining. And this change has occurred only in the past two and a half years. I think any parent would be concerned in this situation.
Her giving up basketball is a whole story I won't go into alot. She wasn't loving it the last year and a half she played due to a varsity coach that completely ignored his JV team, bullying (not against her) and separation against the whole team, performing well and not being recognized by the varsity coach and the pressure to perform. She liked the commoradity of being on a team, but did not hang out with the girls on the team. And yes for many years it formed her identity. When she got over her concussion she got a great job at a small grocery store and still works there and loves it. She is a very good student and will go away to college next year.
Elaine, she is the one bring the cheese and chips and guacamole into the house not me. And she does not have a tv in her room. She will binge watch series while laying in bed on her computer. She isn't doing this alot anymore, but will occassionally watch an episode of a show.
Last night she went to the high school football game with a friend which was great. She will have to figure this all out on her own.
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Post by birukitty on Sept 14, 2019 23:19:22 GMT
Prapea, I agree that part of this is me needing to let go of my opinions about my daughter's weight. It is just hard to see that every time you take her to the doctors see keeps gaining. And this change has occurred only in the past two and a half years. I think any parent would be concerned in this situation. Her giving up basketball is a whole story I won't go into alot. She wasn't loving it the last year and a half she played due to a varsity coach that completely ignored his JV team, bullying (not against her) and separation against the whole team, performing well and not being recognized by the varsity coach and the pressure to perform. She liked the commoradity of being on a team, but did not hang out with the girls on the team. And yes for many years it formed her identity. When she got over her concussion she got a great job at a small grocery store and still works there and loves it. She is a very good student and will go away to college next year. Elaine, she is the one bring the cheese and chips and guacamole into the house not me. And she does not have a tv in her room. She will binge watch series while laying in bed on her computer. She isn't doing this alot anymore, but will occassionally watch an episode of a show. Last night she went to the high school football game with a friend which was great. She will have to figure this all out on her own. "She will have to figure this all out on her own". So what? You're giving up on her? "She is the one bring the cheese and chips and guacamole into the house not me". Gee whiz! When are you going to let it go?! You sound like a child talking about her sister. Not like a mother talking about her child. A child she is supposed to love unconditionally. As I read through your posts when you wrote about your daughter in such derogatory ways no wonder she feels you don't like her. You obviously want her to look just like you-slim and athletic. I hate to break it to you but if she was your biological daughter there is no guarantee that this would have happened. The fact that she is your adopted daughter and you write about her this way is sending up huge red flags to me. It sounds to me like you don't love her unless she can be slim and healthy. And don't think she doesn't feel it. No wonder she is gaining weight in my humble opinion. She might be using food to bury her feelings of being rejected and unloved. Yeah, it's a stretch, but that's my opinion. I would feel lucky she didn't turn to drugs or alcohol! I think the first thing you need to do is get yourself to a therapist. With a therapist's help you can figure out why you can't accept your daughter just the way she is, loving her unconditionally because that's what parental love is all about. And hopefully with the therapist's help you can turn that part of yourself around. Because honestly the way I see it your daughter's health and weight won't improve until you can treat her like a daughter should be treated-loved unconditionally-born or adopted. Although from the suffering I imagine your daughter must be going through right now, I would also get her to a therapist (a different one!) at the same time-right away. But first I think you owe your daughter a huge apology for the things you've said to her (about her weight). Tell her you've realized how hurtful all of that can be and that you're going go to a therapist to work on yourself. Because all I hear in the first paragraph of your post above is excuses. "I think any parent would be concerned in this situation". Well yeah, any parent would be concerned. But I also don't think most parent's would think or write about their children like you have. I'm very sorry this sounds harsh. I didn't want to write this but it's been bugging me since yesterday thinking about how your daughter must be feeling and suffering. All children deserve unconditional love from their parents no matter what they look like, who they love, how smart they are etc.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Sept 14, 2019 23:56:06 GMT
My cousin was overweight her whole childhood. When she was an adult, and out of her mother's house, she went on Atkins and lost the weight. But as long as she was in her mother's house, as her mother's pet project, nothing could happen.
I think you should gently back off, and just accept her for who she is. If you want to preserve your relationship with her as she becomes an adult, you need to start respecting her decisions. That means saying nothing.
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Post by uksue on Sept 15, 2019 1:19:26 GMT
You say she has been tested to exclude medical reasons? Stretch marks for a 10lb weight gain seems excessive to me. Or did the stretch marks occur with the earlier gain? I only mention it as my best friend at school back in the 70’s had a similar history and had excessive cortisol production.
I really feel for her . We are often most unloveable when we need most love. Has anything happened that would have brought up her birth story so that she may be feeling insecure?
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Post by lisacharlotte on Sept 15, 2019 2:04:30 GMT
Most parents view their children as a reflection of themselves and their parenting ability/success. Any deviation from the norm makes them feel like a failure. If it can be categorized as “blameless” by being a medical condition, then they can say it’s not their fault.
I’m not immune from this. I struggle to let go and acknowledge I cannot live his life for him and his decisions are his own. They don’t have to be the ones I would have made. We all want our children to be successful. We need to remember that success doesn’t have be measured by society’s very narrow parameters. My son is a joy to be around and we love to cook together and he makes me laugh. That’s how I’m measuring success. It’s not going to be about a big paycheck and wife and kids I can brag about to family and friends.
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theshyone
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 26, 2014 12:50:12 GMT
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Post by theshyone on Sept 15, 2019 7:04:07 GMT
Could you share what the plan is? Is there a specific book or something you preferred for this? She and her dr discussed counting and lowering her carbs. She started out on a single low dose of extended release Metformin, taken at night before bed, to minimize her nausea. She lowered her carbs but nowhere near as low as Atkins, something like 100g of carbs per day, maybe? She started out higher on her carbs and slowly emptied out her pantry of the higher carb food, so it wasn’t an overnight thing. She met with a nutrition/dietician recently and they wanted to lower her carbs and daily calories even more, so she is trying to cut down so much each week. Marcy Thank you
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 20, 2024 4:10:49 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2019 8:00:05 GMT
FYI, my mother was very controlling about my “weight” growing up. When I look back on pictures of me at this time, I was not fat at all. My mother on the other hand was a model at one time (until she got pregnant with me....unpack THAT!) and has always been very slender. I am the spitting image of my father and had an athletic build. I have struggled my ENTIRE life with my self image and self worth which has led to eating disorders and weight struggles. Our children face such difficulty out in the world with other people judging them...you daughter’s home should be a judgment free zone.
DS got chubby all of a sudden. He was like this for a couple of years. The word “fat/overweight” is forbidden in our house. We simply try and encourage the kids to make better food choices. Also, when my kids say they are full, that is it...I do not tell them to empty their plate. I do not force them to eat if they are not hungry. I keep a BIG bowl of assorted fruit in the kitchen. I will hear them searching the cupboard for “snacks”, but I rarely bring junk food in the house. They always circle back by the fruit bowl. Now vegetables....that is still a struggle!
About DS, when those two years were up...he SHOT up in height! I mean literally overnight. He is now taller than his father and I. Even all his uncles. He was on a swim team and quit during that two year period, I found out later because kids were calling him fat. Now he plays basketball. I would die for that boy no matter his size. I would rip out my own heart if I EVER thought he felt I thought he looked bad or that I was judging him.
It is a very dark place for a child to feel their parent does not love them or think they are inadequate. My childhood led me to some very dark places. I cannot stress enough what a delicate issue this is.
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Post by Lindarina on Sept 15, 2019 8:17:43 GMT
I was skinny until puberty hit and then gained some weight. Suddenly I was the only overweight person in the house. I guess my mother was concerned and trying to help, but every comment about my weight broke away little pieces of my confidence and feeling of self worth. To this day, I am struggling with my body image.
At my house we ate what my parents thought was healthy, but looking back there was a lot of meat, butter, pasta etc and not enough vegetables. Everyone at that house would have benefitted from dietary changes but since it only showed on my body it became my problem. It really makes you feel like an outsider when your parents are telling you to limit your portion of whatever everyone else is eating.
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Post by librarylady on Sept 15, 2019 23:55:08 GMT
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Post by Legacy Girl on Sept 16, 2019 2:55:39 GMT
I still don't think you get it, OP. You have posted about this topic in the past and people have told you you have to let it go. You're posting about it again now, and people are telling you the same thing. You say in this very thread that you're so grateful for people suggesting that you apologize to her and tell her that if she feels you are making an issue of her weight again, she should call you on it. And yet, just a few posts later, you are back to saying that YOU need to find some fun activities for her to do to lose weight.
From my perspective, you're really coming across as the self-righteous mom with no fitness issues who is condescending to her adopted DD to plan as many ways as possible to "fix" her. No matter how many ways you try to describe your efforts to fix her, she's going to see through you and resist. I'm not sure there's any way to avoid having her think that being fit equals being loved at this point, but as someone who's been there, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that there's nothing more painful than receiving the message that being unfit equals being unworthy of love.
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iamcaro
Full Member
Posts: 127
Mar 12, 2019 2:51:15 GMT
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Post by iamcaro on Sept 16, 2019 4:22:41 GMT
If I was going to take your daughter in for anything medical, I think it would be to a concussion specialist. I say this because my daughter had a concussion (actually she had several, but the one I'm referencing was her second) and it took her many, many months to recover. She also had to leave her sport as a result of the concussion, and her social life changed because of it. So not only was she dealing with symptoms of the concussion (which can be subtle) but a change in her lifestyle.
Your daughter just wanting to lay on her bed, or be with her boyfriend reminds me of my daughter. Depression can go hand-in-hand with concussions, too. It really wouldn't hurt to get her to a therapist.
Secondly, even if you choose not to mention her weight, your weight, or healthy foods/activities, I think you will need to watch the energy that you are projecting. Have you ever walked into a room and felt that you interrupted an important conversation but the people in the room acted as thought nothing was going on? That's the energy that people can feel from others. I think that you may be projecting some kind of energy toward your daughter that she can feel even if you aren't actually saying any words. It can be incredibly hard to change how we project our feelings, but if you truly just put all thoughts of weight and activity out of your mind and focus on the love you have for your daughter, she might just feel that love instead.
One more thing while I'm at it, I wonder how often you use the term "adopted daughter" instead of simply "daughter"? My ex-BIL had 3 brothers, one of whom was adopted. Whenever he talked about the adopted one, he always prefaced it with "my adopted brother Tom". To me, Tom should simply have been his brother. Do you use the term adopted in your house? Even if the adoptions were open adoptions, simply removing that word from your vocabulary could have real benefit. So many of your posts refer to her as your adopted daughter. I can't help but wonder if you project that, too.
OP, I am sorry if I sound harsh. That is truly not my intent. So many people who responded to your post have passionate opinions about what's best for your situation, but the truth is, you need to decide for yourself what to do. But the fact that you even posted at all tells us that you are open to changing your behavior...and really, that's the only behavior that you can change. You really can't change your daughter's behavior. You can only change yours. I wish you and your sweet girl all of the best.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Sept 16, 2019 7:27:29 GMT
All I hear is “she likes to lie in bed.” “ She’s gained so much weight.” “Her birth mother was large” “ she’s adopted”.
Can’t you hear the judgements?? Seriously, if I can feel the supreme distaste you have for heavy people all the way here, do you think there’s a chance she can’t?? At such a vulnerable and scary time in her life she thinks she is the one thing you hate in life.
My mom was obsessed with looks and weight. She was also controlling and judgmental.
But at least she was my mom, and the voluptuous figure I inherited from her. While it was still hard well into adulthood, and took me forever to get over, I had it so much better than your DD. At least I watched my mom struggle, too.
Frankly, I could have done so much better for my girls. I was still so obsessed about my own size, ( which really was just fine as I look back now), and definitely sent the wrong message.
Please please please step back and decide that your DDs size is her business, and your job is just to love her. Lots of people get stretch marks. It’s the marks in her heart you need to really worry about.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Sept 16, 2019 10:03:58 GMT
I saw that Maher bit earlier this week. This response was PERFECT
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Sept 16, 2019 13:29:39 GMT
I completely model healthy eating and exercise. During the summer my husband and I go for walks and bike ride and will invite her, but she chooses to not go. I do need to find some places to go that would be interesting and fun, that would naturally incorporate some walking/hiking...like someone mentioned apple picking. Just anything to get her to move more. Depressed? I think so. To make a long story short, she was a happy go lucky kid until she hit the beginning of 10th grade (that is when our high school starts). A good friend of hers started bullying her and she was feeling alot of pressure about being a leader on her basketball team. And then the concussion came. She appears to have no self confidence and is only truly happy and smiling when she is with her boyfriend. She has no desire to do anything to make herself look better. No make-up, she wears leggings and men's large t-shirts to school every day. Her boyfriend is an athlete and thin. So he models good behavior. She just seems to be happy with the way she is and not want to feel the pressure to change. She had thyroid testing done almost two years ago when this started and it was negative. They want her to be tested again, but she is refusing to go. I need to make this happen. Yes, she does need loved unconditionally. She thinks I don't like her. Obviously my suggestions have not gone over well in the past and I have tried to change how I come across. We don't keep alot of junk in the house but I could do a better job with that. We don't drink soda and only have sweets in the house if we have company over and need a dessert. I need to keep cut up fruits in the house for her to hopefully grab. She loves cheese and will bring different kinds home from work or guacamole and chips. She works at a grocery. I believe all bodies come in different sizes and shapes as well. But it is concerning when you see your teen gain so much weight over a two year period of time and they have stretch marks going all down their legs due to the rapid increase in weight. She likes to lay in bed alot and watch a tv show or talk to her boyfriend for long periods of time. I need to run, but I want to read through all the responses again because they are good reminders. I will talk to the doctor about ordering the testing again and figure out a way for her to maybe be evaluated for depression - although I know she will be against it. I like the idea of having her help with meals some nights. My comments on what I've bolded: My kids choose not to go on walks/hikes/bike rides with us any more somewhere around 12-14 when they were old enough to stay home alone. There is nothing unusual about that. In fact, I find that behavior completely age appropriate. Teens don't want to hang out with their parents. DH dropped our family membership at the gym because he was the only one going. He was heartbroken when DD(22) signed up at another gym. It wasn't about him, but she wasn't interested in a gym that appealed to families and "old people". You are also describing my DD in HS: super body conscious (hated her large breasts), no make up, hair in a ponytail, etc. I don't think this is at all unusual. Not all young women are into hair and make-up. Your DD's boyfriend being an athlete and thin does NOT equal modeling good eating habits. I can only think of one young man between all of DD and DS's friends that gave a second thought to nutrition. IME, athletic young men eat and eat and eat. They eat nutritious foods from their parents and pizza, fries, tacos, sodas, energy drinks, chips, and whatever they get their hands on with friends all day long. I think the likelihood of your DD having a medical issue is very low. Her resistance to getting tested tells me she knows exactly why she has put on weight and isn't looking for a reason to confirm it. I agree with this. I’m wondering if her eating habits have changed outside of the home (similar to freshman 15) and that is causing the weight gain. I would also need to know more about her thoughts to determine if she is depressed. Simply being in your room all the time watching tv and talking to friends does not always indicate depression. That is pretty typical teen behavior.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Sept 16, 2019 15:19:59 GMT
I was always tiny. I'm 4'11" and was underweight for most of my life. Until I turned 14. And then, I gained a lot of weight, rapidly. My mom NEVER pointed the changes in my body out; I was painfully aware of them on my own. Instead, she took me to the doctor and was patient and loving when I resisted. I ended up being diagnosed with a few issues. My weight came down some, with medication, but I stayed heavier than I was before. I went from being underweight to slightly overweight for my frame.
My mom NEVER made me feel bad about my body. Never. Not as a child, not as a teen, and not as an adult.
My MIL, on the other hand, still talks about her daughter in unfavorable terms. "Daughter was so cute as a baby, then she got all big and fat when she hit puberty." (MIL is overweight and the only time she has ever been a normal weight was in the 70's and 80's, when she was using phen phen and other weight loss "supplements".) Her daughter, whom has not spoken to her in over 20 years, cited her mother's lack of love as one of the reasons she was disconnecting - "you stopped loving me when I got fat" in the final letter she sent to her mother.
I can sense your disappointment and unhappiness in regard to your daughter and I'm sure she can, too. Maybe you could talk to a counselor and find ways to cope with your own issues around this.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Sept 16, 2019 15:46:43 GMT
If I was going to take your daughter in for anything medical, I think it would be to a concussion specialist. I say this because my daughter had a concussion (actually she had several, but the one I'm referencing was her second) and it took her many, many months to recover. She also had to leave her sport as a result of the concussion, and her social life changed because of it. So not only was she dealing with symptoms of the concussion (which can be subtle) but a change in her lifestyle. Your daughter just wanting to lay on her bed, or be with her boyfriend reminds me of my daughter. Depression can go hand-in-hand with concussions, too. It really wouldn't hurt to get her to a therapist. ^^^ this. One of my counselors said something I will always remember-- "when you feel better, you do better." And, from another counselor: "make the best decision you can for yourself at this moment." Sometimes the decisions will be better (or worse) than others. SO MUCH of weight issues are in a person's HEAD- MENTAL issues are such a big component of weight problems. The decision of what to eat / not eat is made in your head first. As previous posters have said ( jeremysgirl in particular, I believe), depression, weight issues, and energy levels are cyclical and feed off of each other. If you're depressed, you tell yourself wrong/untrue things that make you feel like crap- then you make not-the-best choices with food. Then you beat yourself up about the bad food decisions... and round and round, ad nausea. When you're depressed you do not feel like doing ANYTHING extra- it's tough to even do the necessary things sometimes. So when you're depressed, you do NOT want to exercise, even though exercise does make you feel better, eventually. Depression is NOT just 'feeling down' every once in a while; it is a pervasive, sneaky, trickster that is always there, waiting around a corner for a crack to appear, so it can slip back in. I would DEFINITELY make sure your daughter is TOTALLY over the concussion- and that it didn't contribute to her changes in personality / mood.
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