How do you get over being pissed/disappointed in your teen?

Just wondering...what consequence did she get?  Her behavior is NOT a reflection of you. Not at all.

How do you get over it? You just do. Life is short and you have to pick battles. Her breaking your trust will take time to earn back. But you can't carry a chip on your shoulder while she tries to earn it back. From experience, that is only hurting you. She's growing up and will make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. Hopefully she learned her lesson. But she will make more mistakes...so get ready.

I also struggle thinking my kids screw ups are a reflection on me. But deep down, I know I taught them to do whats right. So I try to let that guilt go. It's hard. But the teenage years can suck the life out of you if you let it. So just keep moving forward.

Exactly. My best friend and I often talk about how we're so glad we made it out the other side (of our teenage years) with no life altering problems. We did a lot of stuff that I would be disappointed if my kids did. My BFF in particular was very naughty. And funnily enough, she was stricter with her own kids than most people I know IRL.

merry27 I think you're having such a hard time with it, because you never did any of that kind of thing (I remember you mentioning it on your initial thread). Every single one of my friends back in the 80s smoked, drank and smoked dope from the age of 14 or 15, so even though I desperately hoped my kids wouldn't do any of that, I kinda expected that they'd give it a go at some stage. 

It's okay that you're feeling angry. But you really need to let it go. 

(I'm curious to know what consequences you decided on for your daughter in the end.)

She’s broken your trust and it will take time to forgive her and trust her again. It takes what it takes but her attitude toward regaining your trust will usually determine the speed.

It sounds like you are working your way through the stages of grief. Grieving the loss of trust and what you thought you knew about your DD. This isn't really about your parenting skills. As many said on the other thread, those skills must be pretty good if your DD has come clean about everything that happened. Having perfect children doesn't make us perfect parents, just as having flawed children doesn't make us flawed parents. 

First you were blindsided (denial that she could behave like she did), now you are angry (how dare she). Next will be bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Be happy that nothing really bad happened to her, hope she has learned a lesson and move forward.

You just accept that kids are going to make choices that you don't agree with. It's part of growing up. Be happy that she chose to talk to you and share information about herself.

I was a really good kid, all in all, but I drank on occasion and smoked some pot. I was also places I did not tell my mother about, when she thought I was somewhere else. It had nothing to do with her parenting--it was all just decision that I made. And I'm a pretty good person today.

First figure out why you are truly pissed off.

Do you normally hold grudges? What do you gain by holding on to this anger?
This is more about you than it is your child.

One of my biggest regrets is overreacting when I found DD smoking pot.

I realize now that I was scared, because I could not control her. But I ended up opening up a chasm between us that was hard to bridge, just when she needed me the most.

You raised her. Trust that she’s a good person, keep the communication open.

Maybe you're angry because she's destabilised your world a little bit. You thought things were hunky dory, you were navigating the teens years ok then 'bang' suddenly you're not.

I think the fact that you didn't do any of that stuff yourself is making it much harder for you to handle and move on. The fact that you can't reference back and look at it with the benefit of hindsight or through the eyes of a teenager makes it more 'out there', more 'into the unknown' than it would if you'd done similar things yourself.

It's pretty common, and while not desirable and it is a normal way for teens to test their own ideas, push the boundaries etc which are all part of growing up and discovering their own ideas of what's acceptable and what isn't, what works for them and what doesn't etc. Perhaps she's a different personality to you if you didn't push boundaries or defy your parents at all - and that's ok.

You just do. It sucks, though.  Our youngest spent his entire senior year driving us around the bend. Took me a couple of years to get past the pissed/disappointed feeling.  I'm pretty much over it now. He's on to other things and I can focus on what he's doing now. 

Spend time looking at yourself to determine WHY you are so angry right now. Is it because you have been judgmental to other parents when their teen did something like this, condemned them for bad parenting and congratulated yourself on your great parenting because you kid hadn't done something like this? Now she has gone and done things you previously equated with bad parenting. If this is what you are angry about then this is on you, not her. 

A teens actions aren't always about how they were parented. Parenting is about teaching right from wrong. You have done that.  The teen years are time for the kids to start asserting their independence. If they do everything in accordance to their parents without ever deviating they are puppets, not independent people. Your daughter is a person in her own right. She is not a copy of you or a marble sculpture you created. She is a combination of her own unique personality, her early teaching AND her need to experiment/experience things you don't approve of. 

If you can let go of the judgment toward other families with teens/young adults you don't approve of you'll find it easier to let go of your anger. Keep in perspective you want an ongoing relationship with your daughter (I assume you do) But she is her own person. Not your puppet. You have to give her room to make mistakes and to choose an alternate life path or you will damage that future relationship. 

I had the greatest parents in the world, really, and I still did teenage things when I was a teenager. It wasn't a reflection on them. It was just me trying out things because that is what teenagers do- try to become separate from our parents by making choices our parents (as far as we know) didn't make.

I turned out okay.

I wish I'd known that phrase when my kids were in high school! I think I expressed the same idea, but no so efficiently. And efficient is what mine would have appreciated!

I'm sorry merry27, this phase is as much rite of passage for parents as it is for teens. I was crushed when my oldest made a stupid mistake at 16, but we kept talking and muddled through. It was painful for all. Both are in college now and call to chat or use me as a sounding board. Just keep talking.