peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 18, 2019 22:17:20 GMT
Okay, my soon to be 17 year old HS senior has Homecoming this weekend. She is a theatre kid (meaning, not super popular or "cool" but considered a nice, smart, kid who might be a little quirky.) Her closest friends don't really like to go to the dances (a boy and a girl - also theatre kids and she's been friends with them for many years) so they won't go. DD still wants to go and is perfectly comfortable going alone (she doesn't have a boyfriend) because she's a "floater" - friends with a lot of different friend groups and would likely just hang out with many different people during the night and have a good time. She has a friend, let's call her Eva. Eva is also a theater kid but isn't as socially adept as my dd (and I'm being generous to my dd - she can be socially awkward herself) and if they go to events together, she clings to my dd. Clings to her like a life raft. And my dd feels like she can't "float" the way she wants because Eva will say "don't leave me!" and "I don't know that group, I don't want to go over and talk to them!" It makes my dd not even want to go. And I want my kid to go to her last Homecoming! Dd feels like she's between a rock and a hard place. If she says she's not going, Eva says: "well, I guess I'm not going either" and that makes my dd feel badly and guilty. If she goes, she'll be tied all night to this kid that "cramps her style" and whose company she doesn't really enjoy at these kinds of events. Or, if I'm really being honest, ever. If they both weren't involved in high school theatre they wouldn't hang out at all. They don't have a ton in common and dd says they don't really have much to talk about. Dd and I have been back and forth on how to handle this and we're just out of ideas. I said: "I'm going to crowd source this with the Peas; maybe someone has an idea on how to handle this where 1. you have fun and 2. you don't hurt Eva's feelings" (that's very important to my dd.) Any suggestions? There's no way to get her good friends to go - it's too late to get tickets and they are just not dance-going types.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 18, 2019 22:21:44 GMT
Can she just say, sure, let’s go to the dance, but be forewarned, I’ll be wandering around visiting friends part of the time? I dunno, I’m too old and too far removed from teenagerhood to have any idea what I’m talking about.
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Montannie
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Jun 25, 2014 20:32:35 GMT
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Post by Montannie on Oct 18, 2019 22:22:18 GMT
I advocate a head-on approach, normally. But that will likely hurt feelings, no matter how tactfully it is approached.
Can you turn it into a game for Eva, and give her something to "do" at the dance? Like a social scavenger hunt?
I don't know. I identify a bit with Eva; I'm a limpet in social situations where I don't know many people. But I am actively trying to stop, and stand by myself, and wander among the different groups.
Good luck.
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Post by mikewozowski on Oct 18, 2019 22:27:51 GMT
if she is fine going alone, could she just say i am going to go by myself? or not decide until the last minute so she *can* go by herself and the other girl won't be prepared to go? any chance one of the groups of kids would invite her to join their group?
around here homecoming plans change up until the very last minute.
if your daughter wants to go and wants to go alone, she should be able to do that.
homecoming was always a big bust for one of my daughters.
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Deleted
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Mar 28, 2024 20:50:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2019 22:28:49 GMT
I'd be honest and tell her she's welcome to go with DD, but that she plans to be visiting different groups of people and won't be able to spend much time with her.
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Post by elaine on Oct 18, 2019 22:44:33 GMT
I agree with empowering Eva to make her own informed choices. And I’d frame it that way.
Have your daughter tell Eva that she is going, is planning to float, and wanted to let Eva know that ahead of time, so she could decide for herself whether she would mind hanging out with people she doesn’t know or hanging alone part of the time. That it is important for your daughter to float and hang with a wide variety of people (because it is her last homecoming) and she knows that that doesn’t always make Eva happy and she wanted to be sure Eva wasn’t disappointed in her when she floated amongst groups that Eva May or may not feel comfortable with.
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lesley
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Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
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Post by lesley on Oct 18, 2019 22:45:36 GMT
I think I would just be honest too. Tell Eva that she’s happy to go to the dance with her, so Eva isn’t going in herself, but that she plans to spend time with different groups and different people throughout the night. She can say that she knows that’s the sort of thing Eva finds quite difficult, so she doesn’t mind if she changes her mind about wanting to go.
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 18, 2019 22:52:01 GMT
I dunno, I’m too old and too far removed from teenagerhood to have any idea what I’m talking about. Hahaha, that made me laugh! I think that I would say something like "Yes sure, I'd love you to come with me, it will be fun. Just to give you a heads up, I'm planning to be a bit of a social butterfly and catch up with a lot of different people....." etc etc
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Post by peasapie on Oct 18, 2019 23:23:28 GMT
I agree with empowering Eva to make her own informed choices. And I’d frame it that way. Have your daughter tell Eva that she is going, is planning to float, and wanted to let Eva know that ahead of time, so she could decide for herself whether she would mind hanging out with people she doesn’t know or hanging alone part of the time. That it is important for your daughter to float and hang with a wide variety of people (because it is her last homecoming) and she knows that that doesn’t always make Eva happy and she wanted to be sure Eva wasn’t disappointed in her when she floated amongst groups that Eva May or may not feel comfortable with. I agree with this 100 percent. I believe we learn from what our parents do, so if you can model for her how to say the above firmly but thoughtfully, I think it will be a great lesson for your daughter.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Oct 18, 2019 23:37:57 GMT
Is there a reason your dd has to confirm her plans with Eva? Can she tell Eva that she hasn't finalized her plans, and just leave it at that?
It is important that your dd be able to set boundaries for herself. Even though Eva is just a female friend who is socially awkward (and I'm making the assumption not romantically inclined toward your dd), she is still a person who holds your dd back with guilt trips and manipulation.
If you came to the board and told us that a boy clung to your dd during social functions, and smothered her, and begged her not to leave him (even to socialize with other kids), I think the collective pea thought would be different.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 18, 2019 23:49:24 GMT
Is there a reason your dd has to confirm her plans with Eva? Can she tell Eva that she hasn't finalized her plans, and just leave it at that? It is important that your dd be able to set boundaries for herself. Even though Eva is just a female friend who is socially awkward (and I'm making the assumption not romantically inclined toward your dd), she is still a person who holds your dd back with guilt trips and manipulation. If you came to the board and told us that a boy clung to your dd during social functions, and smothered her, and begged her not to leave him (even to socialize with other kids), I think the collective pea thought would be different. I’m 99.9% sure it’s not romantic, but she is definitely manipulative. However, it’s not creepy, it’s just kind of sad. I don’t think my dd could go and just leave Eva to deal on her own - she’d feel that’s too mean. I’m going to read her, word for word what Elaine said. I think that’s a really good way to handle it. Thanks for the ideas, everyone. With 4 daughters, I’ve confronted a lot of social issues, but this one had us stumped today.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2019 23:59:14 GMT
Dd feels like she's between a rock and a hard place. If she says she's not going, Eva says: "well, I guess I'm not going either" and that makes my dd feel badly and guilty. If she goes, she'll be tied all night to this kid that "cramps her style" and whose company she doesn't really enjoy at these kinds of events. Or, if I'm really being honest, ever. If they both weren't involved in high school theatre they wouldn't hang out at all. They don't have a ton in common and dd says they don't really have much to talk about. Dd and I have been back and forth on how to handle this and we're just out of ideas. I said: "I'm going to crowd source this with the Peas; maybe someone has an idea on how to handle this where 1. you have fun and 2. you don't hurt Eva's feelings" (that's very important to my dd.) Have you not taught her SHE is not responsible for everyone (anyone) else's feelings? She is not in a relationship with Eva, as in, they aren't dating or even bff. I think she should be upfront with Eva that dd will be going but plans to float among her various groups of friends and dance with everyone. If Eva chooses to not go that is Eva's choice. Your dd is not responsible for Eva's choices. Your dd is not responsible to do whatever makes Eva comfortable and happy. Only Eva can do that for herself. It is ok of Eva chooses to not go because she hasn't made friends beyond just one.
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Post by Lexica on Oct 19, 2019 0:04:22 GMT
I agree with those telling her to let Eva know ahead of time what to expect and let her make her own decision as to whether she will go and learn to socialize a bit or whether to just stay home in her comfort zone. Let her know that since this is her final homecoming, she wants to make sure to visit lots of different friends and plans on going from group to group to see everyone she knows. If Eva calls her bluff and says it is fine with her, they both go together, and then Eva gets clingy, your daughter should plan in advance how she will handle that. Is she comfortable reminding Eva that she was warned that she would be visiting lots of different groups? Will she feel guilted into staying with Eva and feeling resentful? A little practice asserting herself and kindly disentangling from a too-clingy friend is touchy, but a good skill to have. Have her practice on you so she feels well equipped with the right thing to say. Maybe she can encourage Eva to come out of her shell and introduce her to a few people, giving her the opportunity to start blossoming a bit. If that doesn’t go well, she should feel no guilt in politely moving on to talk to her other friends. She would have advised her ahead of time of her plans and then tried to introduce her to others. That’s plenty.
I had a coworker that was an Eva. She was quite cranky around the office and never engaged in any friendly banter with coworkers. I found it hard to work with her at times. It was if she was always angry or in a bad mood. I really tried to engage her since we worked in the same department. At every office event, she would seek me out and attach herself to my fiancé and I. If she contributed to the conversation and tried to enjoy herself, it would have made her presence a lot easier to deal with. I felt badly for her, and we usually ended up inviting her to sit at our table every time. I introduced her to everyone and would try to get her to talk about something, but she was a tough nut to crack. She was also in her 60s at the time, so I doubt she ever did change.
Your daughter sounds like a very sweet and empathetic young girl. Remind her that she deserves to have fun too.
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Post by roundtwo on Oct 19, 2019 0:34:14 GMT
I really like this response too - gives Eva an out without making it awkward for anyone.
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caro
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Oct 19, 2019 2:38:22 GMT
Kudos to your DD for considering going alone. That takes a lot of self-confidence IMO. As Lucy said, I’m too far removed (meaning old) to have any helpful ideas.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2019 4:45:36 GMT
“Yes, Eva, I’ll be going. I’m intentionally not going with anyone, boy or girl, so I can feel free to enjoy my last homecoming hanging out with all my different groups of friends without being tied to any one group or person. I’ll see you there. Maybe we can grab a dance or two together.”
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 19, 2019 15:15:55 GMT
Dd feels like she's between a rock and a hard place. If she says she's not going, Eva says: "well, I guess I'm not going either" and that makes my dd feel badly and guilty. If she goes, she'll be tied all night to this kid that "cramps her style" and whose company she doesn't really enjoy at these kinds of events. Or, if I'm really being honest, ever. If they both weren't involved in high school theatre they wouldn't hang out at all. They don't have a ton in common and dd says they don't really have much to talk about. Dd and I have been back and forth on how to handle this and we're just out of ideas. I said: "I'm going to crowd source this with the Peas; maybe someone has an idea on how to handle this where 1. you have fun and 2. you don't hurt Eva's feelings" (that's very important to my dd.) Have you not taught her SHE is not responsible for everyone (anyone) else's feelings? She is not in a relationship with Eva, as in, they aren't dating or even bff. I think she should be upfront with Eva that dd will be going but plans to float among her various groups of friends and dance with everyone. If Eva chooses to not go that is Eva's choice. Your dd is not responsible for Eva's choices. Your dd is not responsible to do whatever makes Eva comfortable and happy. Only Eva can do that for herself. It is ok of Eva chooses to not go because she hasn't made friends beyond just one. I hear you but it's awfully hard when you're 16 and are not a "mean girl" to totally dismiss someone else's feelings. She's going. We read this thread together and she really appreciated the advice - she's going to just say "I'm going but I'm going to float around and probably leave early. You're welcome to hang out with me or move on and hang out with other people." The problem that arises is that Eva will say: "well, when you leave, we can go somewhere and hang out together!" and then dd feels badly again because it's just not something she wants to do. Again, thanks to everyone - she'll figure it out. She wants to be nice but firm. Not always the easiest thing to do.
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caangel
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Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
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Post by caangel on Oct 19, 2019 15:42:47 GMT
“Yes, Eva, I’ll be going. I’m intentionally not going with anyone, boy or girl, so I can feel free to enjoy my last homecoming hanging out with all my different groups of friends without being tied to any one group or person. I’ll see you there. Maybe we can grab a dance or two together.” This! I'd hesitate to have your daughter say she'd go "with" Eva cuz to mean it means they would hang out all night, arrive together and leave together. This gives Eva the understanding that they would not be at the event together but that DD is friendly and would be interested in hanging out for part of the event but will not be committed to her for its entirety.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 19, 2019 15:55:18 GMT
There is no reason dd needs to go with eva. Dd is NOT responsible for this girl's happiness and to do something you don't want to do in order to keep someone else happy is not super healthy imo.
Your dd can say, "I am currently planning attend the dance but I'm not sure of all my plans. Maybe I'll see you there." If eva pushes you dd should confirm that she is not making plans and will not be going eish eva.
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J u l e e
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Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Oct 19, 2019 17:43:11 GMT
Have you not taught her SHE is not responsible for everyone (anyone) else's feelings? She is not in a relationship with Eva, as in, they aren't dating or even bff. I think she should be upfront with Eva that dd will be going but plans to float among her various groups of friends and dance with everyone. If Eva chooses to not go that is Eva's choice. Your dd is not responsible for Eva's choices. Your dd is not responsible to do whatever makes Eva comfortable and happy. Only Eva can do that for herself. It is ok of Eva chooses to not go because she hasn't made friends beyond just one. I hear you but it's awfully hard when you're 16 and are not a "mean girl" to totally dismiss someone else's feelings. She's going. We read this thread together and she really appreciated the advice - she's going to just say "I'm going but I'm going to float around and probably leave early. You're welcome to hang out with me or move on and hang out with other people." The problem that arises is that Eva will say: "well, when you leave, we can go somewhere and hang out together!" and then dd feels badly again because it's just not something she wants to do. Again, thanks to everyone - she'll figure it out. She wants to be nice but firm. Not always the easiest thing to do. Our daughters are so similar. I hear you on how challenging this kind of stuff is to navigate. I can have the most straightforward and sensible conversation with Quinn and there's no guarantee that she can pull off my advice yet. She's still learning and practicing running practical advice through her emotional filter. She's WAY too kind and considerate for this world sometimes. I love that your daughter doesn't mind going alone and can make her own fun floating among different groups of people. That will serve her well and is a social skill not a lot of kids her age have. I hope she enjoys her last homecoming dance!
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Deleted
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Mar 28, 2024 20:50:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2019 18:29:30 GMT
Have you not taught her SHE is not responsible for everyone (anyone) else's feelings? She is not in a relationship with Eva, as in, they aren't dating or even bff. I think she should be upfront with Eva that dd will be going but plans to float among her various groups of friends and dance with everyone. If Eva chooses to not go that is Eva's choice. Your dd is not responsible for Eva's choices. Your dd is not responsible to do whatever makes Eva comfortable and happy. Only Eva can do that for herself. It is ok of Eva chooses to not go because she hasn't made friends beyond just one. I hear you but it's awfully hard when you're 16 and are not a "mean girl" to totally dismiss someone else's feelings. She's going. We read this thread together and she really appreciated the advice - she's going to just say "I'm going but I'm going to float around and probably leave early. You're welcome to hang out with me or move on and hang out with other people." The problem that arises is that Eva will say: "well, when you leave, we can go somewhere and hang out together!" and then dd feels badly again because it's just not something she wants to do. Again, thanks to everyone - she'll figure it out. She wants to be nice but firm. Not always the easiest thing to do. You need to teach your dd it IS ok to put her needs/wants first. She is not being mean in the least. It would be mean to taunt Eva that she doesn't have friends of her own to go with. But saying dd plans to go alone and float among friend groups as she feels the urge, then go home early is not mean. It is being honest with Eva instead of deceptive.
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