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Post by KelleeM on Oct 19, 2019 15:10:35 GMT
I just posted this on Facebook. This is so.freaking.hard. 😢
Being a widow doesn’t come with an instruction manual. No one provides directions on how to go on with your life, what’s right to say or do, what’s wrong, when it‘s okay to laugh or cry. I have to return to work on Monday and I think the routine will be good for me but I feel like I have a million things to do. Yesterday I decided to go through Dick’s clothes. Was it too soon? Will people think I’m cold for doing it so soon? Will they think I’m trying to get rid of reminders of him? I decided I don’t care. I have to worry about myself. Today I donated 6 bags of jeans, barely worn sneakers, belts, shirts, brand new t-shirts and socks, a couple of suits...to a place that works with providing clothing for kids in school. I hope some young man gets to wear Dick‘s things. If they just help a couple of people then it was worth the drive to drop them off. I kept some things for his boys to go through. I kept shirts that my sister-in-law will make pillows from for me and Ally. It hurts so much. I cried in the parking lot after my car was emptied. Did I do the wrong thing? Was it too soon? Again, there’s no instruction manual. 💔💔💔
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Post by lisae on Oct 19, 2019 15:16:36 GMT
It doesn't matter what other people think. It sounds like you did what brought you comfort - helping others with a donation I'm sure will be appreciated - and you kept things that mattered. I don't think there is a schedule for this. Just be easy with yourself {{hugs}}
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Post by katlady on Oct 19, 2019 15:16:56 GMT
Hugs to you!!
There is no manual and there are no rules. Do things when YOU want to, not when someone else tells you to.
Take care of yourself!
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Post by christine58 on Oct 19, 2019 15:17:22 GMT
There's no right or wrong when it comes to dealing with "things". You do what YOU think is best. Grief also has NO timetable. So don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When my 30 month old niece died I was PISSED at my SIL. She emptied Sarah's room within a week. But then I realized that she and my brother did what they needed to do. They kept some of her things to give to many of us.
I would also suggest looking for a support group. Just a thought...
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,532
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Oct 19, 2019 15:17:37 GMT
Anyone who judges a new widow should fuck off. You didn't do anything wrong - there's no right or wrong here. There's what you can do and what you can't do. Hang in there. Sending you love.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,363
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Oct 19, 2019 15:18:39 GMT
There’s no instruction manual, that’s true but I think it’s because everyone does things at their own pace. The time felt right to get rid of your DH’s clothing so you did. Good for you. You do you and those who don’t like it can go kick rocks.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Oct 19, 2019 15:19:52 GMT
Having been thru what you have been thru. I know. People look at you. They just dont know. You need to find your new normal. Your world has changed. Losing your life mate is literally life changing. Your only job is to get thru each day or each hour and if you can manage that then your doing ok. People will look at you will their head tilted and put their hand on your shoulder and say how you doing. It's not their fault they just don't know. I cant say I am any better in the situation even being thru it. There are so many firsts you need to go thru again. First day of work as a widow. Etc. You do your best. Your not cold... you are surviving. Your not the one that died. You are here and living. You just need to learn to live again. I'm sorry you have to go thru this. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Your not alone. You will find your way. Find your new you. Cause no your not the same.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Oct 19, 2019 15:22:14 GMT
Kellee, I think Dick would be proud of you for thinking of others in your time of grief. You’re doing an amazing job... and I think you’ll know what you aren’t ready for, and what you can handle.
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iluvpink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,258
Location: Michigan
Jul 13, 2014 12:40:31 GMT
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Post by iluvpink on Oct 19, 2019 15:23:04 GMT
(((HUGS))). You do what YOU need to do. Don't worry about what others think.
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Post by gillyp on Oct 19, 2019 15:25:54 GMT
You do whatever you feel you want to do, when you feel you want to do it. No one else is living your grief, no one else gets to say what you should or should not do. Big hugs to you.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 19, 2019 15:26:05 GMT
This is exactly right. You have to do what feels right to you.
I assume the kids are adults, that would be my only caveat is if they are children, you have to worry about them too.
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Post by yivit on Oct 19, 2019 15:26:06 GMT
Hugs, Kellee. There is no "right" timeline.
Example: It took me a while to even go through Jim's clothes and then I still kept them in bags in the bottom of the closet. I finally "got rid of them" earlier this year after moving them with me last fall - I gave them to a coworker who I thought could use them (there were some $$ jackets etc in there and DH and coworker were/are both big guys). Coworker kept some and donated the rest to a local men's shelter. That was my plan all along - coworker/donate - but it took me over 5 years to do it (mostly I think because I wasn't ready to see coworker in late DH's clothes before then).
Another example: When my mom died, my dad had us (me, sisters, aunt, grandma) go through my mom's things a week or so after the funeral to take or donate. One sister took most of the things. I got one mumu from my parents' trip to HI back in the 70s and a broomstick afghan. I probably would have spoken up for more items, but I wasn't ready to deal.
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Post by jubejubes on Oct 19, 2019 15:46:52 GMT
You do the things on your own timetable. You are now working on a different "clock or calendar". Give yourself plenty of leeway when it comes to "stuff", but make sure that the important items are looked after in the smaller time-frame that is given.
Things such as interim income tax and final income tax submission, medicare, insurance, investments, any government income that Dick might have been receiving, banking information and other stuff. Does the deed on your home need to be changed from joint tenants to single? Did you have mortgage insurance? Will that help pay off the house? Car registrations also need to be changed.
Where I live, the funeral home has a great package that has all the forms that you need to file with the government. Usually their is someone in the bank or credit union that will help you with most of the information.It is lovely that your sister-in-law will make pillows for you & Ally. I have an accucut machine and have made rag "hug" quilts from the clothing for friends that are grieving the loss of your loved one.
My mom & I went thru my dad's stuff and kinda made a game of it. We found mints, coins, and other stuff and made mini piles. We washed all of dad's underwear, pj's and socks, then gave to a men's shelter along with his casual shirts, pants & jeans.
His suits, ties and good dress shirts we gave to an organization that helps men who need dress clothing for job interviews. I kept a pair of dad's pj's that I still sometimes wear.
I have realized that I get tense or stressed out close to anniversary dates. Honestly, the anticipation is much worse than living thru the actual anniversary or event.
Remember that 1 hour of "active grieving" - crying, high emotional / stressful situations are equal to 2+ hours of hard physical labor. There is a good reason why you are so tired. Huge (((((hugs))))) to you, my friend.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 19, 2019 15:47:15 GMT
Hugs to you and your family.
My dad gave a lot of my mom's clothes and shoes to a charity that helped women dress for success. She didn't work outside the home, but she had quality clothes. My mom passed away 30 years ago and I still remember this generous act. It happened less than month after she passed, but honestly, I think when you are practical, it kind of shocks people who might value being more sentimental. They weren't doing anyone any good sitting in the closet.
Just do things on your own timeline and try not to read into it what others might be thinking. All of us do/need different things and no matter what, it would be too soon or too late for someone.
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Post by Skellinton on Oct 19, 2019 15:47:39 GMT
There is no right or wrong with grief. Since Dick’s children are adults you can focus on you and decide when it is right for you to do things that need to be done. Everyone is different when it comes to grief. You take care of you and don’t worry about what other people are thinking.
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Post by leannec on Oct 19, 2019 15:54:23 GMT
You are doing what is right for you and that is all that matters! There is no instruction manual so just take it day by day ... I'm so proud of you ... you are amazing
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,158
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Oct 19, 2019 16:06:52 GMT
Those of us who have been in your shoes understand that everyone is different and there is no right or wrong about any of it. I didn’t deal with any of my husband's clothes for several months. I did not just want to take them to Goodwill or something; it didn’t feel right and I wasn’t ready right away anyway. Once I found out about another place that gives them away to people in need I was able to clear many things. It felt right to me. There are still more I haven’t dealt with and some I have bagged up in case I want pillows or a quilt made. Bagging them up leaves me options but means they aren’t hanging in the closet still. I can decide later what is next.
You are the only one who can decide when the time is right for YOU to do anything.
The only "rule" I think is a good one is to not make any BIG permanent, irreversible decisions too soon. That, to me, means decisions like selling property, quitting a job or changing investments. A co-worker of mine still regrets that she sold their house when she was widowed at a young age. My nephew's girlfriend quit a good job when she was widowed at age 21 and then barely left her house for the next year and sank into a deep depression. When you have to rebuild your life around that huge gaping hole in the middle it can help to have the stability of some elements of your old life.
I really like the book It's OK That You’re Not OK, by Megan Devine. She writes about the old understanding of grief and how it can be harmful, why the platitudes that are so often used by even people close to the grieving are not helpful, and advocates for grief being as individual as your relationship is/was. Her view is that you learn to move forward WITH your grief and the love you still feel, not get over the loss or get done with the grief.
Hugs to you. This is hard. There are many of us who are living the experience and we know how important support and understanding are.
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wellway
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Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Oct 19, 2019 16:08:35 GMT
If it is right for you, then it is the right time.
From what you have shared about Dick I can picture him saying "let the clothes help someone and do some good, I'm always with you, in your heart and memories"
Hugs to you
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MDscrapaholic
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Refupea #146
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Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Oct 19, 2019 16:15:27 GMT
You're right, there's no instruction manual. You have to go it alone, and decide for YOU what YOU want to do. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to grieve and find a new normal. You will still feel Dick's presence in your home and your life. Embrace that. I went back to work a week after the funeral and right as I walked in the door, a co-worker exclaimed "what are you doing here??! OMG, I had to take a MONTH off when MY DH died!" and proceeded to tell me all about him... I almost burst into tears, until another colleague came up and berated that person, took my arm and led me away. She got me calmed down and told me just what I told you above. You have to do what's right for YOU. The hell with everybody else. People are going to say and do things that don't help. Very few people know what to say or do when someone has had a loss like that. The best thing I know to do is to just give a hug and ask if there's anything I can do to help. And this is especially true a few months afterwards. Life goes on and they think you're over it. It's still there. Take care of yourself, KelleeM. I ended up in the hospital about 8 months after my DH died. I had pain in my jaw and down my left arm. My daughter who lived with me at the time called for an ambulance. After some testing, my heart is okay, but I had something called "broken heart syndrome." It's a real thing, brought on by stress and the loss of a loved one. I cried the whole time I was in the hospital, because it reminded me so much of all the days my DH was there. Once I understood what it was, I was able to make adjustments in my life to better deal with the stress. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, I just want to let you know that these things happen and you can get through them. Cry if you have to, when you have to. Enjoy your memories of Dick, your scrapbook pages of him. ((Gentle HUGS)) We're here if you need to talk.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 15:00:36 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2019 16:17:08 GMT
I'm so glad you have a group here that you can come talk with and just be yourself. Keep posting as much as you want/need. We are always here to listen and we understand. I am proud of how you are handling things. How you are thinking through what you need and what is right for you. You are different now and there is no roadmap specifically for this. Just keep taking one day at a time and do what YOU need to do to find some peace that day.
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The Great Carpezio
Pearl Clutcher
Something profound goes here.
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Jun 25, 2014 21:50:33 GMT
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Post by The Great Carpezio on Oct 19, 2019 16:30:59 GMT
There is no right or wrong.
My mom and I started going through my dad’s things 48 hours in. We didn’t actually donate it until a few months later, but it gave me/us something to do.
We still have some stuff sitting around that we don’t know what to do with, but most of it is out of sight. It still bugs my mom just knowing it is sitting around in her crawl space. It’s been a year in June. She isn’t cruel or doesn’t want reminders. It just mentally burdens her.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Oct 19, 2019 16:31:56 GMT
Right now, you are in survival mode. You are doing what you need to do, to maintain whatever semblance of sanity and normalcy you can have in your life. I'm glad that you aren't worried about what other people think. Grief is an impossibly solitary journey; you can be in a room full of people who miss your husband, but you are the only one who is missing her husband. There is no right or wrong, and anyone who tells you different can go eff themselves.
At this point, I think any day that you get out of bed and function in any way is a huge win.
Sending you so much love.
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SweetieBsMom
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Posts: 4,579
Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Oct 19, 2019 16:33:03 GMT
Sending hugs. You have to grieve on your own time table. My DH passed away on Valentine’s Day. I haven’t been able to deal with his clothes/room yet. I tried but wasn’t ready. My bff said “what’s the rush? Do it when you are ready”. You do you. Don’t worry about what other people think, everyone grieves in their own way. There is no “right” way to grieve....you can’t avoid it or go around it, you have to go through it to get to the other side.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
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Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Oct 19, 2019 16:42:55 GMT
Sending hugs. You have to grieve on your own time table. My DH passed away on Valentine’s Day. I haven’t been able to deal with his clothes/room yet. I tried but wasn’t ready. My bff said “what’s the rush? Do it when you are ready”. You do you. Don’t worry about what other people think, everyone grieves in their own way. There is no “right” way to grieve....you can’t avoid it or go around it, you have to go through it to get to the other side. So much truth in this. A family member who also lost her husband told me "If you can’t or haven’t done something yet, there’s a reason why you can’t. You’ll do it when you are ready."
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Post by sawwhet on Oct 19, 2019 16:44:15 GMT
Sending you a big hug.
I think this is one of those times where you make your own rules. If it feels right to donate his clothes, do so. If it feels right to cry, do that. If you want to order take-out because you're overwhelmed, do that.
Death and grieving don't come with instructions. There is so much to sort out- family, belongings, paperwork etc. One day at a time. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Give yourself time and space.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
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Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Oct 19, 2019 16:45:48 GMT
Right now, you are in survival mode. You are doing what you need to do, to maintain whatever semblance of sanity and normalcy you can have in your life. I'm glad that you aren't worried about what other people think. Grief is an impossibly solitary journey; you can be in a room full of people who miss your husband, but you are the only one who is missing her husband. There is no right or wrong, and anyone who tells you different can go eff themselves. At this point, I think any day that you get out of bed and function in any way is a huge win. Sending you so much love. Yes to all of this. It IS impossibly solitary. Even my strongest, most understanding supporters still went home to their spouse at the end of the day. I’m lucky in that they understood that and knew that even though they were also grieving deeply, it was different for me.
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Post by Blind Squirrel on Oct 19, 2019 17:05:28 GMT
It is so very hard, but you will get through it. I, too, had to go back to work soon after my husband died. The routine was helpful. You have to do what works for you as far as going through things. It feels like an insurmountable task. I hope you feel our love.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Oct 19, 2019 17:10:35 GMT
So sorry for your loss.
Assuming his sons have let you know the things they wanted, then you are free to proceed as you see fit. If you just went on a clearing out spree without talking to his boys, then you might have an issue.
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Post by papersilly on Oct 19, 2019 17:10:49 GMT
it is nobody else's business when you go through his things and how soon you should it. there are people who will judge whether you do it five minutes from now or five years. besides, you don't need "things" in order for the memories to exists. things are just things. they are disposable and don't make or break your fond memories. do what feels comfortable to you.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Oct 19, 2019 17:22:34 GMT
Do what is best for you whenever you choose to do it!
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
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