J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on Oct 19, 2019 17:22:41 GMT
Hugging you from here. Anything I would want to add has been beautifully said above, but I want to join in with support and love. We love you, Kellee. I hope you can really feel that.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Oct 19, 2019 17:23:28 GMT
Oh such big big hugs sent your way. There is no book, there is no timeline except for what you need to put one foot in front of the other. I couldn't go into our bedroom for months. I pulled my mattress out and slept in the loft until I could go in there without panic attacks. I re did the entire living room in the first 2 months and you should have heard the comments. Ridiculous. It was the only safe place in the house for me. I spent more time in that one room than any other place so I made it mine. But you would have thought I was making my children starve to death with all the money everyone thought I was spending. For some reason people feel that once you become a widow, you no longer are allowed privacy and they have to "help" you in every aspect and judge you if you do anything outside their expectations. Im so sorry.
You have to do what you have to to to survive. There is no right, there is no wrong. You needed to go through his clothes and get rid of them so you did. Good for you! You found a way to take those things and help someone else. Given how early you are in the process I think you are amazing. one step at a time, one breath at a time, one minute at a time. And lots of hugs.
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 19, 2019 17:45:35 GMT
Adding more hugs. There really isn't one way to do anything in life. Losing your partner is especially hard because you have lost your most trusted advisor. The voice you would have turned to for help getting through this is not there.
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joelise
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,649
Jul 1, 2014 6:33:14 GMT
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Post by joelise on Oct 19, 2019 18:34:01 GMT
Do what’s best for you right now. You need to put yourself first. Big hugs for you.
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Post by mikklynn on Oct 19, 2019 22:13:44 GMT
Put yourself first. I think donating his clothes was very generous.
Giant hugs.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Oct 19, 2019 22:27:47 GMT
(((Hugs)))
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Post by scrapmaven on Oct 19, 2019 22:38:22 GMT
There isn't a timeline for any of this. You do what you need to do in order to take care of yourself. The only hard and fast rule is not to make any major decisions for several months to a year. As for what to keep and what to donate that depends upon how you feel and what you think. This is such a shock and so unfamiliar that you are likely unsure of many things right now. Just know that things will become clearer as time goes on and you'll find a new normal. ((((HUGS)))).
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,759
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Oct 19, 2019 22:43:03 GMT
There is no right or wrong for a widow. Do what feels right to you.
If going through clothes is what you feel like doing, then it’s right. You are the one living through your grief, no one has the right to tell you how to do it. People might offer you suggestions from their experiences, but you don’t have to follow their advice.
When my mom died my dad was advised not to do anything permanent for a year. He never slept in the house again after she died and sold their house almost immediately. It was right for him.
Give yourself grace.
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Post by malibou on Oct 19, 2019 22:52:50 GMT
I tried thinking about what an instruction manual might look like, I think it might say things like, Be true to yourself. You be you. Don't bother giving a Fuck what others think.
I'm keeping you in my warmest, safest thoughts while you navigate your new life, and wish you peace while you sort it out.
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Post by scrappintoee on Oct 19, 2019 23:04:30 GMT
Awww, Kelleee!!! I posted a "novel" to you in the dinner thread, not knowing this thread existed yet. It seems trite sometimes, but I'm truly ((( huggging ))) ya virtually! You've gotten great words of wisdom here, and I REALLY hope that having so many peas supporting you gives you some peace / hope, etc. I also hope you can unburden yourself with the added stress and pressure of worrying what ANYONE else thinks!!! You do what YOU need to do, when YOU need to do it..... Remember that 1 hour of "active grieving" - crying, high emotional / stressful situations are equal to 2+ hours of hard physical labor. There is a good reason why you are so tired. Huge (((((hugs))))) to you, my friend. Wow, I've never heard of this before......thanks for posting it.
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Post by scrappintoee on Oct 19, 2019 23:12:50 GMT
I really like the book It's OK That You’re Not OK, by Megan Devine. She writes about the old understanding of grief and how it can be harmful, why the platitudes that are so often used by even people close to the grieving are not helpful, and advocates for grief being as individual as your relationship is/was. Her view is that you learn to move forward WITH your grief and the love you still feel, not get over the loss or get done with the grief.
[/b] Thank you for posting this!!! I LOVE the part I bolded! I'm definitely going to read this book!
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Post by scrappintoee on Oct 19, 2019 23:21:05 GMT
I re did the entire living room in the first 2 months and you should have heard the comments. RidiculousThat kind of thing makes me SO angry !!!!!!! I'm sorry you had to go through the loss, AND hear those comments!!!! If people would just do some reading about this topic, they'd learn that those kinds of things are NOT helpful and just make it harder on the grieving person!
EVERYTHING I've read says that the BEST thing to help someone is to LISTEN......just let them talk, hug them, and LISTEN !!!! No trite comments, nothing like "ohhh, but he's in a better place", etc....UGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....I say this as someone who wanted to learn how to best help my grieving family and friends. One of my best friends from high school lost her husband at age 34, and I desperately wanted to know how to help. Years later, as a sister who lost her very close, younger brother, my older brother told me that since a year had already passed, I NEEDED to move on, "get over" my grief, etc......
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Post by scrappintoee on Oct 19, 2019 23:26:00 GMT
MDscrapaholic yivit , scrappinspidey , moodyblue , SweetieBsMom, and anyone I forgot to tag (sorry). ......Your stories really touched my heart, and I'll bet hearing your experiences will also help Kellee. Thanks for sharing, and I'm sending you MANY ((( hugs )))), too !!!
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Post by flanz on Oct 19, 2019 23:33:01 GMT
MDscrapaholic yivit , scrappinspidey , and anyone I forgot to tag (sorry) ......Your stories really touched my heart, and I'll bet it will also help Kellee. Thanks for sharing, and I'm sending you MANY ((( hugs )))), too !!! Me too! And huge hugs to you @meellek! Like so many have said before, only you know what you need to do and when, and no one else's opinion matters right now (aside from your stepsons re: possessions). I am carrying you in my heart and hoping that you are supported and surrounded by a lot of great friends and/or family IRL as well right now. We do love you, but we can't be there in the same way. xoxo
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Oct 19, 2019 23:45:21 GMT
I think this is one of the lovelier threads we have ever had --- such an outpouring of understanding, love, and support.
I am bookmarking it because it's so full of good advice. I hope none of us ever need it, but unfortunately we are all likely to at some point whether with a spouse, parent, or other beloved family member.
Sending hugs to Kellee as she navigates her own way through the loss of Dick in whatever way she deems best.
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Post by peasapie on Oct 19, 2019 23:45:56 GMT
I haven’t been where you are yet but I so admire that you can express your feelings this way. Sometimes I can’t even understand what I’m feeling, much less express it, but you did a wonderful job talking about how we all feel when we are in uncharted territory.
I think you did the right thing, and I think you should continue to follow your heart. There are no right and wrong paths on this journey- just the ones we choose to walk.
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Post by alexa11 on Oct 19, 2019 23:53:51 GMT
You do what YOU want to do on your own timetable and don't give a moment's thought to what anyone else thinks. And we are here for you!
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Post by ametallichick on Oct 20, 2019 1:02:29 GMT
I have no advice. I can just say there’s no wrong way, I’m guessing. If it is right for you, then it is. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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Post by lucyg on Oct 20, 2019 1:27:44 GMT
I haven’t read all the other answers yet.
There is no timetable for grief. You grieve and move on on your own schedule. It’s okay to laugh, cry, get angry (including at Dick), depressed, be happy ... sometimes all within the space of 20 minutes. Expect that sometimes you’re going to zone out and be in your own little Kellee world that others can’t penetrate.
Don’t worry about what other people might be thinking, and if anyone does say something critical, ignore them. They don’t get it. If new adventures come your way and you feel ready, go for it. Have some fun and cling to your grief. You can do both, sometimes at the same time.
The one thing I would caution you about ... don’t make any major decisions in the next six months, hopefully a year or more. Don’t quit your job (take leave if you need to), sell your house, liquidate all your assets for some reason that seems like it makes sense at the time, get remarried (oh yes, it happens), move across the country. Give yourself time to unwind and recharge. Start coming to terms with your new life. It takes time.
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Post by jmd74 on Oct 20, 2019 1:29:55 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. Do what is best for you and be gentle with yourself.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 12:12:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2019 2:38:32 GMT
Do the small stuff but leave major decisions for 39 days at least. 3 months is better.
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Post by grammadee on Oct 20, 2019 4:25:18 GMT
KelleeM , you don’t need to answer to anyone else about how you deal with your grief. I am not a widow, but I have lost a lot of people in my life, beginning with my mother when I was ten years old. Everyone grieves differently on different levels, on different timetables. Do what YOU need to do. It is my belief that the people we love live on in our heats and minds. If we want advice, it is a few deep breaths away. We just have to listen. You know what Dick would want you to do. He was a generous giving man. I think he led you to give away his clothes. The hardest thing about grief is dealing with other grievers who may be on a different page than you are. Don’t forget to keep the lines of communication open. Just as you need to move forward, his sons may need to keep a few things the same. (((((HUGS))))) to you all
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,395
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Oct 20, 2019 4:35:15 GMT
Sending you love and hugs.
As so many others have said... you grieve on your own timeline. Everyone has to do what is right for them.
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Post by AussieMeg on Oct 20, 2019 7:26:23 GMT
There is so much good advice here from people who have sadly been on the same journey. Continued hugs to you Kellee.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 12:12:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2019 9:16:24 GMT
Grief is individual to everyone that goes through it. You do what YOU are ready to do at the time YOU think is best for YOU, not for anyone else. Things are just things. Donating Dick's clothes are not going to diminish any of the love and memories you both shared in life. ((( hugs))) and look after yourself Kellee
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,354
Aug 9, 2014 23:13:22 GMT
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Post by DEX on Oct 20, 2019 15:08:35 GMT
My husband passed on a Monday. The funeral was Wednesday and by Friday my step daughter had brought a huge trailer and took the majority of his things including clothes, tools and fishing gear. I was in such a fog, I seriously didn’t care. You do what is right for you. You wouldn’t be able to wear his clothes anyway so it is best to donate.
You will have days of sadness, denial and even anger. Yes, even anger. I was so angry for about a year because his death was so preventable. It is a crazy ride but 5 years later I am at peace.
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,958
Jun 25, 2014 23:13:23 GMT
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Post by Nanner on Oct 20, 2019 15:58:01 GMT
Kellee, you have to do what works for you. This is YOUR grief. To hell with anybody that judges you.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
Posts: 5,372
Jun 25, 2014 19:28:04 GMT
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Post by RosieKat on Oct 20, 2019 16:02:47 GMT
You need to do what you need to do for yourself. Don't worry about what other people think, or what the unwritten rules may or may not say. And as someone who works with an organization like that, the donations will be greatly appreciated, and one more way that your husband will "live" forever.
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Post by chlerbie on Oct 20, 2019 19:03:38 GMT
There ARE no rules. You do whatever works for you and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
One of my best friends died last month and her husband donated her clothes to a shelter that helps women get on their feet and to "dress for success." He gave a bunch of her jewelry and things like that to his niece and I asked him if I could have a pair of earrings that will be super special to me because they were hers and he picked them out for me. This week, he redecorated some of their place a bit. It's all on what you want to do.
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luckyjune
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,685
Location: In the rainy, rainy WA
Jul 22, 2017 4:59:41 GMT
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Post by luckyjune on Oct 20, 2019 23:12:38 GMT
You do what's best for you. The rest of the world can take a long walk off a short pier. Hugs to you!!!
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