M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128 
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Post by M in Carolina on Oct 25, 2014 9:14:25 GMT
I met a pastor's wife this week. We hit it off immediately and spent some time conversing about our families and the fact that I was trying to find a church family that accepted dh and me--even though I'm often in too much pain to sit through long services, I'd like to be part of a church family.
We also talked about how several of the churches dh and I tried out judged us because we don't have children; pregnancy would have left me more disabled if I had survived it, and then how I became even more disabled to the point that I can barely take care of myself so even adoption was out of the question. Dh already does the housework, and he works long hours. Having a child would be so much more stressful on him.
I was so happy that this woman understood and wanted to be my friend. She is into sewing and other crafts. She just sounded like such a cool person.
Then when I was ready to leave and handed her my email and telephone number, she said she had a prayer for me.
To paraphrase, she was insisting that I trust in God and believe that He would give me a child. I told her that I wasn't well enough, and that I had a very shortened life expectancy because of the severity of my illness.
She interrupted me and said that the doctors were WRONG and GOD doesn't listen to the doctors. HE would give us a baby. (I guess she was trying to tell me that God would also give me the strength and ability to be a good mom?) She definitely didn't offer to babysit or be my nanny.
When I reiterated that I didn't WANT a child, her whole demeanor changed. I doubt I'll be hearing from her.
I'm so tired of being treated like a pariah or an immature woman who doesn't know what she wants... I dealt with that when I was trying to find a surgeon for my hysterectomy. I had precancerous cells in my uterus, and my biological mother died of uterine/ovarian cancer and her mother died of breast cancer. It still took me over a year to get the surgery done. I even had to fight the surgeon that finally did it because she said that I'd "regret" the surgery. She finally agreed after my primary care physician read her the riot act. She had just had a baby and couldn't believe that I didn't want one. She did admit after I lost blood and got a blood transfusion and almost had a heart attack that my body would not have survived pregnancy. DUH. That's what my other doctors had been trying to tell her.
Dh and I are happy together. We don't feel like we're *waiting* to finish our family. We love just hanging out together. I want to spend whatever time I have left with my husband--not in a cloud of exhaustion and guilt because we kowtowed to pressure to procreate.
All I want are some Christian friends to share my faith and struggles and help me grow. Not someone to judge me and tell me I'm wasting my life because my path is different.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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michellegb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,919
Location: New England and loving it!
Jun 26, 2014 0:04:59 GMT
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Post by michellegb on Oct 25, 2014 9:21:28 GMT
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I can't imagine how frustrating it is to feel constantly judged for trying to live the best life you can even if that doesn't include having children. Even more so when it's a medical decision that wasn't in your control. I hope that you find the friends you are looking for soon and that they are accepting and embracing of your path in life. Sending hugs...
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Post by smokey2471 on Oct 25, 2014 10:36:54 GMT
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. What she said not you. Why in the world would anyone care whether you had a baby or not. Some people even Christians just choose to not have children.
I'll pray for you to find a church home that except you just the way you are.
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Post by emelle64 on Oct 25, 2014 10:39:52 GMT
Dear M, your post really touched me. I'm very sorry for your health issues and for your very real frustration with the lady you met. I don't know why she reacted how she did....I guess some people cannot imagine other people might want a different life than they personally have experienced. In my experience, it seems harder for Christians to understand childless by choice although I'm a Christian and I get it. I hope you are able to make some Christian friends who can accept you for who you are without judgement.
Emelle
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:52:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 11:26:06 GMT
Stop mentioning to people that you can't have/don't want children and they'll have nothing to judge you for. Honestly it's not their business and they don't need to know.
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Post by smokey2471 on Oct 25, 2014 11:33:42 GMT
Stop mentioning to people that you can't have/don't want children and they'll have nothing to judge you for. Honestly it's not their business and they don't need to know. While true it's none of their business you should be able to tell your friends that you don't want to have children and not be judged for that. I don't think she's talking about strangers I think she saying she would like to make Christian friends that don't judge her. |
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Post by smokey2471 on Oct 25, 2014 11:34:15 GMT
A true friend should support you and your decisions no matter what.
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Post by gajitldy on Oct 25, 2014 11:55:08 GMT
I hate people. That being said, I'm in NC and will be your friend.
Diane
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 25, 2014 12:03:31 GMT
This woman was not your friend; she was just a person who you were getting to know. Let's face it; we all get along with most people on a superficial level. While you may have liked her initially, I can't imagine sharing such a personal story so quickly with a stranger.
I would get to know the women better, and let them get to know you. Once they see you for the person that you are, health issues and all, they will be less likely to judge so harshly. If someone asks, you can say that you " no longer have the equipment", or that you would never be approved to adopt due to your health issues, but then I would shut the conversation down. It's not a stranger' s business to know so many intimate details of your life.
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momto4kiddos
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Posts: 5,156
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 25, 2014 12:07:10 GMT
I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I can't imagine how someone would seemingly understand, then say that to you.
I belong to a knitting group and there are several women in the group who choose not to have children. They are very to the point, they have no desire to raise children, period. Everyone is supportive of them. I wish you got the same response!
One of the other posters might be right, maybe not mention it (so early on.) Wishing you the best.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Oct 25, 2014 12:08:37 GMT
So this is the path God has you on and a Christian can not accept it, that's sad, the non-acceptance, not your path. Our society is judgemental no matter what, have too many kids and your wrong, don't have kids and your wrong.
How about this prayer - Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for giving M the strength to share her story with us. Thank you for giving her a husband that accepts her for her and takes on the role you gave him. I pray that their relationship continues to grow as they love and support each other. Dear Father I pray that M can finds Christian friends that will support and help her grow as a Christian and together they can grow in your love. Father I say this prayer in Your name. Amen
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Post by wandawoman on Oct 25, 2014 12:17:04 GMT
You're not the only woman in Carolina that doesn't have or want children. My daughter is a very kind and loving person, but she has never had a desire to have children. She and her husband are content without them and I'm sure there are others the same way. For some reason you keep meeting judgmental and opinionated people. I wish I knew where you were. I'd love to talk to you and invite you to our church where I'm sure you would be accepted and feel at home.
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julieb
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Posts: 2,845
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Post by julieb on Oct 25, 2014 12:20:37 GMT
I agree. My first thought when reading the post. If they ask, say you are unable to have children and leave it at that. You are providing too much information.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Oct 25, 2014 12:25:33 GMT
Stop mentioning to people that you can't have/don't want children and they'll have nothing to judge you for. Honestly it's not their business and they don't need to know. In my experience, it's not necessary to mention the issue. People -- and often, especially church people -- will bring it up within the first few minutes of meeting. They will not only ask people without children when they are having them (not if, but when) and they will actually pester, harangue, and lecture on the topic. The childless person doesn't need to bring it up, believe me. And if someone is going to be a jerk about the topic, it's better to find it out from the get go, then waste time and emotional energy and feel rejected later. |
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Post by penny on Oct 25, 2014 12:34:05 GMT
I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing... You and your husband are definitely a complete family, and shouldn't have anyone suggesting otherwise...
I'm worried that offering a suggestion may seem like I'm saying that you're somehow responsible for other people's ignorance - and that's not what I think at all... So here's where I maybe put my foot in my mouth... I can understand why you'd want to bring the subject up early in conversations, and again their ignorance is so not your responsibility, but maybe start off slow with the details... It sounds like a lot of people are confusing 'physically not being able to' with laziness or indifference... Let them get to know all the other sides to you first - those are the things that make you, you... Focus on the things you're interested in, and when a friendship grows from that, then share more personal details... There is nothing rude or deceptive about saying that you don't have and won't be having children... If they ask or push for more information, tell them it's an incredibly personal decision that you don't casually discuss... End it right there... If they say they'll pray for you to have a baby, tell them that you'd prefer a prayer for a cause you support, a current issue, a friend, etc... Religion doesn't give anyone the right to decide what a happy life is for you, and it doesn't mean you can't speak up against ignorance...
Of course, there's the good old Pea solution - you could give them a kick them in the shin...
You and your husband are a family, and I hope you find a wonderful church family...
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Post by moveablefeast on Oct 25, 2014 12:45:40 GMT
I have an only in a sea of people with 4, 5, more. I dealt with primary and secondary infertility.
My experience is this: most people, correctly or incorrectly, assume that you want to have children. They just do. So if you tell them you couldn't or you have this challenge or that, they hear "I want to have babies but I can't" and they do things like pray for you. Usually they mean well and are trying to be kind, but sometimes it is short sighted.
I don't usually go into the long tale of why I didn't have more babies. It involves my own illness, my horrible birth experience, and my daughter's impossibly difficult infancy and my postpartum depression. But everybody has an answer for all those things, you know?
So I usually say, "Once upon a time I wanted a houseful, but that wasn't what happened. I got my one and I love her and the door on that is closed."
Some people respect that and others don't. Some people just forge ahead and say oh, but you can adopt, and I just have to say no - that is not where life is for is right now.
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gloryjoy
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Posts: 3,332
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Post by gloryjoy on Oct 25, 2014 12:46:41 GMT
I am sorry for what you have been through, what you are going through.
She doesn't want to be your friend, she wants to recruit you to her church.
You are okay with your decision, let that be enough for you. |
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ginger
Shy Member
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Sept 20, 2014 15:19:42 GMT
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Post by ginger on Oct 25, 2014 12:49:03 GMT
So now apparently a person can only be a Christian if they have children? Those who claim to be so loving and accepting really are not. Do not allow someone who has thier own agenda to make you feel inadequate.
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Nicole in TX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,951
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Post by Nicole in TX on Oct 25, 2014 12:50:21 GMT
Stop mentioning to people that you can't have/don't want children and they'll have nothing to judge you for. Honestly it's not their business and they don't need to know. You would not believe how many people feel it is their business to not only bring it up, but go on and on about it, offering 'helpful' suggestions. M, I am sorry she was so incredibly rude and hurtful. You know what is best for you, as does the Lord. It is people like her who push others away from knowing God, rather then toward Him.  |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:52:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 13:11:36 GMT
I'm sorry you had such a crappy experience. We've had other threads here about how it feels when you think you are forming a new friendship, but then it turns out that the person has some ulterior motive and it's not about you at all. It's a sucky thing. I am a childless by choice Christian. DH and I found a church that we love. We don't broadcast our child-free status, but we don't hide it either. I'm not sure why, but I have rarely had anyone challenge or belittle my decision the way you describe. On the other hand, I have definitely been subtly excluded from groups/friendships because many women with children just can't relate to me. I value the friends I have, and go on with my life. I will say that as I've gotten older, and the people in my age group have children who are now grown, things are changing. If the entire focus of someone's life is no longer their children, they are more open to friendships with people whose focus was never children, I guess! So hang in there:)
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Post by melanell on Oct 25, 2014 13:25:45 GMT
I'm really sorry that happened to you, and seems to continue to happen to you.  |
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Post by jmurray on Oct 25, 2014 13:40:42 GMT
DH and I are childless by choice - I don't even know if I would have been capable of conceiving or not, I never tried. I don't have any medical reasons, it's purely my choice and when I met DH I told him upfront about it. Well ok, I did wait a little while because it would have been a weird thing to say on the first couple of dates! I don't get into it with anyone who tries to pester me as to why we don't have children. I just say very firmly "we didn't want any". If someone is rude enough to push for more info I tell them I'd make a horrible mother - that usually leaves them wondering what kind of monster they've been talking to  On a slightly different note while I understand you'd like friends with similar religious beliefs, is that a dealbreaker for you and your DH? It sounds like you've been having a really hard time to find them, so maybe focussing on people's general values and just being "good people" regardless of religion (or lack of it) might be a better approach? I just look for the good in people - and I find their religion doesn't tend to influence that very much one way or the other. But then religion isn't important to me, so maybe I'm missing something that you would want in a friendship that only like minded Christians can bring? |
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Post by jenjie on Oct 25, 2014 13:42:51 GMT
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this is not a one-off. I'm sorry that this woman in particular, and Christian people in general, seem to have this attitude toward you. I can't wrap my head around it. Sometimes people say stupid stupid things. My gf had to have a hysterectomy due to cancer. She had a lady tell her in all sincerity that she believed God would give her a new uterus. sometimes you've just got to respond with "Bless your heart."  |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:52:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 13:45:39 GMT
I'm so sorry this person couldn't see beyond your lack of a child to find out who you are. It's no one's business but yours and your husband's why you don't have children. I'll never understand why anyone, Christian or not, thinks they know better for you than you.
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caro
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Post by caro on Oct 25, 2014 13:49:18 GMT
So this is the path God has you on and a Christian can not accept it, that's sad, the non-acceptance, not your path. Our society is judgemental no matter what, have too many kids and your wrong, don't have kids and your wrong. How about this prayer - Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for giving M the strength to share her story with us. Thank you for giving her a husband that accepts her for her and takes on the role you gave him. I pray that their relationship continues to grow as they love and support each other. Dear Father I pray that M can finds Christian friends that will support and help her grow as a Christian and together they can grow in your love. Father I say this prayer in Your name. Amen That was very nice. |
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Oct 25, 2014 13:50:04 GMT
As a previous poster said, she did not want to be your friend, she was just trying to bump the numbers for her husband's church. Though I don't understand why your lack of children would have anything to do with your Christianity. Your faith is between you and God, not you and the pastor's wife....
All you need to share is yes, I am a Christian and I might be interested in visiting your church, and no, I can't have children. End of discussion.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:52:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 14:31:46 GMT
I'm bracing myself to the shitstorm that I'll surely create here, but, I don't believe you. You've posted this type of vent several times over the past few years. I just can't imagine that you run into person after person after person that treats you like a "pariah" because you've chosen to be childless. Surely your diseases and ailments are evident to them - do they not witness your disabilities first hand? The frequency of which this scenario plays out for you is a little suspect. I also don't believe that you were denied a hysterectomy by surgeons over and over for a year until you found one who, after fighting you, finally agree to do it. That's preposterous.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:52:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 25, 2014 14:41:18 GMT
Sorry you had to deal with that. So many people can't see beyond their own positions in life.
Do you have your speech ready for people like this? You know, the "Thanks but we're just fine and happy as we are. No prayers needed!" spiel. I had a speech for people who thought I should stop my son from sucking his thumb at 4. "Thanks, but we're set just as we are. I'd rather pay for orthodontia than therapy!" (Turns out he didn't need braces anyway.)
I think they mean well, but I really believe some people just aren't equipped to be able to understand what others are experiencing.
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Post by anonrefugee on Oct 25, 2014 14:45:27 GMT
As someone show married late and had children at the lost possible moment I got to experience those comments.
But- I'm sorry for that woman! How sad it must be to only see one possibility in life, as if you must be a wife and a mother, or nothing else exists.
Small minded people stink. And in my Christian faith they are wrong, God accepts us all.
Keep moving forward M, seek those with common hobbies and interests, the right place will be found.
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freebird
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Post by freebird on Oct 25, 2014 14:47:52 GMT
I agree. My first thought when reading the post. If they ask, say you are unable to have children and leave it at that. You are providing too much information.
It sounded more like to me, she was explaining the issues she'd had with other churches and why she hadn't found a church home. I could see that as something I'd want to talk to a new church about.
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Southern Side eyed Pea 
Time to get off the internet!
