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Post by lisae on Jul 4, 2020 1:04:04 GMT
Two of the three of these is tough, all three is becoming impossible.
Three weeks ago my mother fell and broke her hip and wrist. It is not her dominant hand so they set it in a cast when they did the surgery to repair the hip with pins. We got her into the nursing home where all of my family has gone to recover from falls, strokes and other ailments. Her sister was there for years. She was not in a position to go home. One relative chose to stay at the nursing home for his final months, he liked it so much. Everyone else recovered and returned home. They take excellent care of their patients. It is close by and single story so we can window visit. Of course all of them were younger than my 90's age mother, lucid, and we could visit them in person.
My biggest challenge is Mother's memory. She was diagnosed with mild Alzheimer's dementia several months ago and it had worsened some but now it is getting really bad. She has times when she is reasonable but she can not remember that she broke her hip. She can see the cast on her arm but the hip doesn't hurt. She isn't allowed to put any weight on the affected leg for another 4 weeks at least. They are doing some rehab with her.
She constantly begs to come home. Most mornings she is reasonable and understands that she needs time to heal - though she thinks it is just her arm. There is one therapist she particularly responds to and I know when he has been working with her as she says all the things we long to hear her say about how she doesn't want to come home too soon before she has fully healed. Some days she says she knows she will need caregivers at home. Lately though as she is getting stronger, she is saying she won't need anyone. She will need round the clock care at home.
I know I can not bring her home now. It takes two people to manage her since she can't put any weight at all on her leg. Plus she would need therapists. The hospitalist and the orthopedist both recommended rehab. The ortho doc told me to 'let go of any guilt.' Easy for him to say. Medicare and her insurance are paying the cost where she is, she's getting the care she needs. She was physically strong and healthy before the fall. She's a healthy weight and not a diabetic. I believe her bones will heal and she will walk again at least with a walker.
That is, if her memory holds out. Today was a bad day. Dh window visited early, the neighbor went this morning, I went at lunch and again late this afternoon. She talked to a friend on the phone - when she called the friend and tried to bribe her to come get her. She remembers none of it and this evening told me on phone that she was in a different place. She's thought that before.
Tomorrow am she will likely be fine.
For those who have or have had parents with Alzheimers, is there anything I can say when she is lucid that will stick? If she could just remember that she broke her hip and that she is there to recover, I think it would go a long way.
My mother was living independently and functioning really well with our help. Her whole world changed and I can imagine it is very scary for her. This was only the 3rd time in her life she had been in the hospital and the first time was to give birth. But I'm not sure how much more I can take and she isn't even home yet. My moods fluctuate with hers. If she's upset, I'm upset and distracted. If we've had a good conversation, I can go on about my day as normal. It's only been 3 weeks and it seems like 3 months to me.
I'm worried they are going to ask me to move her because her memory is getting so bad that she should be in memory care. They haven't said anything to me. It's just one of my fears. I'm more worried about bringing her home. How will she do with caregivers living in her house? She accused her cleaning lady who she has known for years of stealing something a few months ago and that was well before her current level of dementia.
I have medical and business POA so I can legally make the decisions. I plan to honor her wishes and bring her home if at all possible. I'm just afraid it won't work out and will I even be able to place her somewhere with all the virus concerns and lockdowns?
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Post by quietgirl on Jul 4, 2020 1:16:15 GMT
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. It's a very difficult position to be in. I hope that she recovers quickly and well, and that it works out for you. Thinking of you
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Post by dewryce on Jul 4, 2020 1:17:02 GMT
I’m so sorry, that’s heartbreaking and must be so difficult to deal with. DH is an occupational therapist in a nursing home and says it’s really common. He suggest writing it out on paper and attaching it to her walls in a very visible area(s) so she will notice it. Include things like what happened (fall), ailments, where she is and why she needs to be there. I know memory care sounds scary, but it may be the beat place for her if she needs it for her safety. Here memory care is a secured unit for those who are an elopement risk. The staff are typically really familiar with working with residents with dementia at different stages and That’s all to her benefit. My Granma lived her last couple of years in such a facility and it was such a blessing for her.
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Post by Jen in NCal on Jul 4, 2020 1:18:21 GMT
I am so sorry you are going through this and can completely relate. My dad had emergency surgery on his knee June 5. They cleaned out debris and discovered an infection that turned out to be MRSA. My mom was adamant about not putting him in a skilled nursing facility because of COVID concerns. So he came home. I came to help about a week later. I live in California, in one of the hotspot counties. My parents are in Arizona. I left the frying pan to enter the fire.
In the week between my dad coming home and my arrival, he fell 3 times and my mom had to call 911 to get him back in bed. The day after I arrived he fell again. Another 911 call. At that point we told him we would not help him get out of bed to move to another room. He would get his M, W, F physical therapy appts. and his T, Th occupational therapy appts. That was it.
It was recommended that we put him in an inpatient rehab facility where he would get more physical and occupational therapy and someone would be able to help him move, shower and things like that. We were really worried about COVID exposure. The facility requires patients to have a negative test with results within the last 24 hours.
Any facility you consider will provide you with their COVID precautions as well as the number of positives they have encountered. After the initial problem with so many cases in nursing homes, most of them have become quite diligent in keeping it spreading to more patients.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 4, 2020 1:20:43 GMT
So many (((Hugs)))
I don't have all the answers, but I have cared for two grandparents with dementia.
Let go of the burden of trying to get her to remember. It won't happen. And it will stress her & you both out.
Let each interaction be it's own, not needing to build on the previous one. Don't worry if the morning conversation didn't go well. Guide tomorrow's into a positive tone.
Redirect from tense subjects whenever possible. Mom forgot about her hip injury, and asks to come home? "Mom, your hip heals better there. Oooh, tell me about last night's dessert/ her flowering plant (might want to give her one - we used African violets)/ a show she enjoys."
Take a breathe. You can only do the best you can, and give the energy to the situation that you have at that moment.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. Caregivng is draining.
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ckeene
Junior Member
Posts: 68
Feb 16, 2020 13:09:37 GMT
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Post by ckeene on Jul 4, 2020 1:35:35 GMT
I’m so sorry you and your mother are going through this. I lost my mom last year and she had dementia. She needed to be in a home, because even with round the clock PSWs she was making bad decisions.
I made signs (with a big font) and laminated them and hung them all over the room, so she would constantly be reminded. It would be something like “You had a tooth removed, your mouth will feel better soon” or “You had a fall, your left leg hurts but it will heal”. They were soothing to her, because she was reminded everywhere she looked.
Please take care of yourself, it is so easy to give our all to our ailing parents, but we need to take care of ourselves too.
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,889
Location: Colorado
Apr 26, 2017 6:14:47 GMT
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Post by snyder on Jul 4, 2020 1:38:17 GMT
So sorry you are having to deal with this during covid. My mom fell 2.5 years ago at the age of 87 and broke her hip. She hadn't really had too many signs of dementia other than, we are getting old and we all forget and get things confused, but man after the fall it was scary. We figured it was all the drugs, but they swore they were not giving her many, but came to find out, she had a urinary track infection. I still think it was a combination of shock to the body, the drugs, the UTI and getting older. She got some better after they cleared up the infection, but has never really been the same. I do not believe there is anything you say when she is lucid that will stick from my experience of communication with my mom these past 2.5 years. We can have a good conversation and I think her mind was clear, bu the very next day, she starts repeating and doesn't remember we talked about certain things.
I don't think they would ask to move your mom unless she had the type of Alz that makes her agitated or violent, especially while she needs rehab. My mom was told no weight bearing for 8 weeks, then partial for 4-6 weeks. Reason being was at the age, the bones are so brittle they could splinter or crumble where they put the pins. It definitely was a long haul for us taking care of her. I will pray for her and your family. {{{{Hugs}}}
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Post by lisae on Jul 4, 2020 1:38:51 GMT
I’m so sorry, that’s heartbreaking and must be so difficult to deal with. DH is an occupational therapist in a nursing home and says it’s really common. He suggest writing it out on paper and attaching it to her walls in a very visible area(s) so she will notice it. Include things like what happened (fall), ailments, where she is and why she needs to be there. I know memory care sounds scary, but it may be the beat place for her if she needs it for her safety. Here memory care is a secured unit for those who are an elopement risk. The staff are typically really familiar with working with residents with dementia at different stages and That’s all to her benefit. My Granma lived her last couple of years in such a facility and it was such a blessing for her. I was just thinking about this. When she says she is in a different place, I've had her look for the flowers and her photos to ground her but I think the photos in the window sill end up behind the blinds at night. So I was thinking of making her a poster with a large photo of her, DH and me and some short basic statements on what happened and why she is there. I'll run this idea by her nurses. Of course, they have to put it up for me. It is so frustrating that I can't be in her room to find something on TV to distract her, hand her her newspaper and other things that would occupy her and put her cards up on her board. They so some of these things of course but they have plenty to tend to as it is.
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Post by lisae on Jul 4, 2020 1:45:33 GMT
So sorry you are having to deal with this during covid. My mom fell 2.5 years ago at the age of 87 and broke her hip. She hadn't really had too many signs of dementia other than, we are getting old and we all forget and get things confused, but man after the fall it was scary. We figured it was all the drugs, but they swore they were not giving her many, but came to find out, she had a urinary track infection. I still think it was a combination of shock to the body, the drugs, the UTI and getting older. She got some better after they cleared up the infection, but has never really been the same. I do not believe there is anything you say when she is lucid that will stick from my experience of communication with my mom these past 2.5 years. We can have a good conversation and I think her mind was clear, bu the very next day, she starts repeating and doesn't remember we talked about certain things.
I don't think they would ask to move your mom unless she had the type of Alz that makes her agitated or violent, especially while she needs rehab. My mom was told no weight bearing for 8 weeks, then partial for 4-6 weeks. Reason being was at the age, the bones are so brittle they could splinter or crumble where they put the pins. It definitely was a long haul for us taking care of her. I will pray for her and your family. {{{{Hugs}}}
I'm pretty sure they checked her for a UTI at the hospital but I'll ask the nurses. I know they show up different in the elderly. My dad had a catheter and got a lot of infections. His were easy to spot as his mind was perfect. If he started saying things that were off, we knew he had an infection. Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like a very similar situation.
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Post by shamrock on Jul 4, 2020 2:02:51 GMT
If her behavior is different in the evening vs morning you might ask her team about sundowners. My grandmother had it with her dementia.
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Post by tentoes on Jul 4, 2020 2:37:40 GMT
I’m so sorry, that’s heartbreaking and must be so difficult to deal with. DH is an occupational therapist in a nursing home and says it’s really common. He suggest writing it out on paper and attaching it to her walls in a very visible area(s) so she will notice it. Include things like what happened (fall), ailments, where she is and why she needs to be there. I know memory care sounds scary, but it may be the beat place for her if she needs it for her safety. Here memory care is a secured unit for those who are an elopement risk. The staff are typically really familiar with working with residents with dementia at different stages and That’s all to her benefit. My Granma lived her last couple of years in such a facility and it was such a blessing for her. I was just thinking about this. When she says she is in a different place, I've had her look for the flowers and her photos to ground her but I think the photos in the window sill end up behind the blinds at night. So I was thinking of making her a poster with a large photo of her, DH and me and some short basic statements on what happened and why she is there. I'll run this idea by her nurses. Of course, they have to put it up for me. It is so frustrating that I can't be in her room to find something on TV to distract her, hand her her newspaper and other things that would occupy her and put her cards up on her board. They so some of these things of course but they have plenty to tend to as it is. I bold the part I think is a good idea. Pictures of their favorite people might ground her a bit. Put the names on the pictures. Sending lots of prayers your way. It's so hard to see our loved ones slip away. My sister is watching her husband slip away by the day.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,027
Jan 29, 2016 3:02:55 GMT
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Post by used2scrap on Jul 4, 2020 2:47:09 GMT
I’m sorry you are going through this. Your family is in my thoughts.
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Post by dewryce on Jul 4, 2020 3:25:54 GMT
So sorry you are having to deal with this during covid. My mom fell 2.5 years ago at the age of 87 and broke her hip. She hadn't really had too many signs of dementia other than, we are getting old and we all forget and get things confused, but man after the fall it was scary. We figured it was all the drugs, but they swore they were not giving her many, but came to find out, she had a urinary track infection. I still think it was a combination of shock to the body, the drugs, the UTI and getting older. She got some better after they cleared up the infection, but has never really been the same. I do not believe there is anything you say when she is lucid that will stick from my experience of communication with my mom these past 2.5 years. We can have a good conversation and I think her mind was clear, bu the very next day, she starts repeating and doesn't remember we talked about certain things.
I don't think they would ask to move your mom unless she had the type of Alz that makes her agitated or violent, especially while she needs rehab. My mom was told no weight bearing for 8 weeks, then partial for 4-6 weeks. Reason being was at the age, the bones are so brittle they could splinter or crumble where they put the pins. It definitely was a long haul for us taking care of her. I will pray for her and your family. {{{{Hugs}}}
UTIs aside, it may also be a reaction to the anesthesia. At this age is sometimes alters people permanently.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 8:49:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2020 4:00:59 GMT
My dad had Alzheimer's. From my experience there is no point in trying to orient them to reality. Their memory is like a sieve and they cannot retain what you say. Their confused world is very real to them. Trying to reorient them only leads to frustration on both sides. My mom insisted on trying to orient my dad. Over and over he would plead with us, "Can't you just accept me the way I am?!"
Dad finally ended up in Memory Care. Was not long before he was so agitated that he fell and broke his hip. I can't speak for memory care centers elsewhere, but the place he was at did not have staffing for non-ambulatory patients.
Those with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia do tend to be worse at night. Sundowners.
Whatever you choose to do, just take extra good care of yourself and don't keep her at home if it is too much for you. My mom insisted on keeping Dad at home longer than was wise despite doctors telling her that it was taking a toll on her health and that she needed to put him in a care facility.
I know it is so hard! I have been there!
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Post by gar on Jul 4, 2020 8:37:44 GMT
I'm really sorry for the situation you're dealing with. We lost my FIL to Alzheimer's and now my mother is in the advanced stages. In my experience you may find signs etc work for a little while but truthfully, you're fighting a losing battle and there's little you can really do I wish there was an answer. Before my mother went into memory care she was at home with my Dad and couldn't remember about Covid and having to stay home and repeatedly got very agitated when Dad wouldn't let her go out. Every UTI (they can be a common occurrence) and any medical intervention seems to have a detrimental effect that doesn't improve. I wish I could be more positive...I'm sorry, truly.
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Post by Patter on Jul 4, 2020 10:37:20 GMT
I am so sorry. My grandmother had dementia and was in a memory care facility her last months. It is awful, and there have been some great suggestions here. I will also suggest if you want to talk to someone with local knowledge, my friend and pastor deals with this very thing (elderly, memory care, etc.) in our area. She has great connections too. Let me know if you want to connect with her. Just PM me. Again, I am so sorry!
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Dallie
Full Member
Posts: 490
Feb 25, 2020 16:33:25 GMT
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Post by Dallie on Jul 4, 2020 10:42:41 GMT
So many (((Hugs))) I don't have all the answers, but I have cared for two grandparents with dementia. Let go of the burden of trying to get her to remember. It won't happen. And it will stress her & you both out. Let each interaction be it's own, not needing to build on the previous one. Don't worry if the morning conversation didn't go well. Guide tomorrow's into a positive tone. Redirect from tense subjects whenever possible. Mom forgot about her hip injury, and asks to come home? "Mom, your hip heals better there. Oooh, tell me about last night's dessert/ her flowering plant (might want to give her one - we used African violets)/ a show she enjoys." Take a breathe. You can only do the best you can, and give the energy to the situation that you have at that moment. Most importantly, take care of yourself. Caregivng is draining. This. So much this.
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Post by malibou on Jul 4, 2020 11:05:43 GMT
I am so very sorry for all you are going thru with your mom. May you find peace.
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Post by bearmom on Jul 4, 2020 11:55:26 GMT
See about giving her a fidget blanket to see if that helps. I used to give restless dementia patients a bunch of towels and washcloths to fold, especially the women (generational thing). It would keep their hands busy and they were less likely to try and get up.
I agree with the pps, trying to re-orient a dementia patient can be fruitless at times. It is very hard to separate the person from the disease.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 4, 2020 12:26:43 GMT
Oh, no. That is a lot to handle.
My late FIL had mild memory issues at the end of his life. After surgery, he was delusional and could not remember things for about a week. That is a pretty common reaction to anesthesia in the elderly. With luck your mom may improve a little.
Whatever you decide, please, please don't feel guilt. You will make the best decisions you can.
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