Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 16:51:05 GMT
This has really been bugging the crap out of me, and I just need to vent. It might be long, so I am going to give some quick background info:
*My son is not a “kid” kid, he’s in his late 20s. He has served in the military, spent 4 years in Japan, and is now in engineering school. He is also gay, only came out to us about this time last year, though I sorta suspected. Also, he is recently engaged to an immigrant from a country south of our border. I think he is still trying to “find his way” as to his political beliefs—in 2016, he was a HUGE Bernie supporter, hated Hillary, voted Libertarian, but at the beginning of Trump's presidency, he was a supporter. He now cannot stand Trump, did NOT support Bernie this time. He very much a Black Lives Matter supporter, and he has gone to a couple of protests. *“Friend” is my best friend from high school, but we rarely talk or see each other over the past few years. Nothing happened, we just grew apart. We are both in our late 50s. She is a “born again Christian,” but even before that, she has always been ultra conservative and votes straight ticket Republican; at least years ago she did. She is very much a Trump supporter, and I usually just scroll on by her posts. She is one who thinks he is going to go down as the greatest president EVER.
Sooo, with all that said, a few days ago, my son shared a negative meme about Trump. She responded, “Trump is the best, a true champion of the people!” followed by flag and smiley emojis. Of course, my son wasn’t going to ignore that, and he wrote “Are you kidding me???” And it went downhill from there.
First, she replied to my son, “You are young and everything you believe is WRONG!” Really?
Several of his friends who also do not like Trump got involved, saying things like he is destroying our democracy, how can you support him, things like that. Nothing nasty or name calling at all.
She ended up calling one of them a Fucktard, responded to one of them that she was 20 years old when he was “shitting his diapers,” more than once she said to my son that he is young and dumb, he doesn’t know anything about the ways of the world, he will someday “grow up and learn,” etc. He can be an ass sometimes to people who are an ass to him, but I was proud of him for standing his ground with her. He ended up writing a very thoughtful list of 10 or 12 reasons why he doesn’t like Trump based on things Trump has done and said. He said that he is gay, and he can’t support a president whose administration wants to deny him rights. Rather than responding to anything that he said, she replied with “Let’s hope when Trump WINS again, you are grown up enough to handle life.”
Who does that to their supposed friend’s child?? She has 2 girls who are also young adults (one is 25 and the other is 20) and I would never ever DREAM of talking to them or their friends in that way. I mean, this is someone who was once an important part of our lives. Our kids grew up going to each other’s birthday parties, celebrating holidays together, etc, and even though we don’t see or talk to each other that often anymore, I would never treat her girls that way.
On a deeper level, that whole interaction symbolizes to me what is very wrong in America right now. I have people in my life I love who are gay. Some are Trump supporters, some are not. I have people I love who have served in the military, some are Trump supporters, some are not. I have friends whose husbands are cops, one supports Trump, one does not. I have many friends and family members who are what I consider right wing evangelical Christians. Most support Trump, but a few do not. I know people who voted for Trump because they couldn’t stand Hillary and will vote for him again, but others who will not and now wish they wouldn't have voted for him in 2016. I have lots of friends and family members who are teachers. Some support Trump, some do not. Yesterday, I spent the day with my family, all Trump supporters. I tried as hard as I could to NOT talk politics, especially with my parents. But that is my dad’s favorite subject, unfortunately. It’s a wonder I have a tongue left. LOL
We have to stop putting people in boxes. My gay brother and his partner live in the south and are two of my favorite people in the world, and they support Trump. We rarely talk politics, and I know they are very fiscally conservative and pro-gun, and I highly doubt they would ever vote for a Democratic president. I love them dearly, and I do not think badly of them for their political beliefs even if I do not understand them.
I freely admit I despise Trump. I think he is a horrible human, and I will be 100% shocked if he isn’t at some point charged with some awful crimes. Even though I spent most of my life voting mostly Republican since Reagan was president, I don’t think I will ever again. The nastiness over gay rights, abortion, cultural stands, etc, is just more than I can stomach at this time in my life. I freely admit that I do not understand how people can support Trump and the shit he has done and said, and I have expressed that outrage here on a number of occasions. But I am not out there berating people on facebook calling them young and stupid and uneducated and any other number of things.
That is all. I don’t even know what the point is to this, or if there even IS a point. I don't even know why it upsets me so much that my old friend did this, but it does, and I just had to get this off my chest.
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Post by withapea on Jul 6, 2020 17:01:22 GMT
I'm sorry. I didn't want to read and run although I don't really know what to say. I had a close family member start crap on my daughter's facebook page when she was a teenager. I asked him to please quit, that I didn't go start crap on his page etc., that we are on opposite ends but that we should be able to not act likes jerks and to just scroll on by. He unfriended everyone in my immediate family and didn't talk to me for two or three years. He ended up sending me a very thoughtful letter and apology. We're still on opposite sides of politics but we're able to have a relationship again. The apology and boundaries have made all the difference.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 6, 2020 17:05:28 GMT
I think, if you can, you need to let go of the fact that she argued with your son. He is not a child, kid, or teenager and was engaging in a conversation with another adult. She responded as she would to an adult and it had nothing to do with him being your kid.
Next time, your son should ask for 10-12 reasons why she supports Trump and see where that leads.
If you are upset over her position, that is one thing, but their conversation isn't a thing
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
Posts: 3,305
Aug 13, 2016 13:47:39 GMT
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Post by kibblesandbits on Jul 6, 2020 17:05:32 GMT
Get it off your chest to your friend. Flat out tell her that speaking that way to others is just wrong, no matter what her beliefs, and that you are severely disappointed that she chose to dress down your son and his friends in such a rude and dismissive way. And that you would in no way treat her girls that way, as you respect both the girls and your friendship. Then shut up and let her try to explain herself and her beliefs yada yada. THEN you can tell her that she can have her beliefs all she wants, but when she starts disrespecting your kids on social media in front of God and everyone, she's showing God and everyone exactly what she's made of, and it isn't pretty.
Honestly. What is wrong with her? Jeez
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 6, 2020 17:09:49 GMT
I think, if you can, you need to let go of the fact that she argued with your son. He is not a child, kid, or teenager and was engaging in a conversation with another adult. She responded as she would to an adult and it had nothing to do with him being your kid. Next time, your son should ask for 10-12 reasons why she supports Trump and see where that leads. If you are upset over her position, that is one thing, but their conversation isn't a thing This. If you are sufficiently upset, you could unfollow or unfriendly her, I guess. She sounds delightful. 🙄
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Jul 6, 2020 17:10:05 GMT
That is horrible. I agree with you and I don't understand that kind of behavior either. It's an interesting thing about name-calling, Wiki defines it like this: "Name-calling is a cognitive bias and a technique to promote propaganda. Propagandists use the name-calling technique to invoke fear in those exposed to the propaganda, resulting in the formation of a negative opinion about a person, group, or set of beliefs or ideas." It is also a form of verbal abuse. Trump's use of name-calling is detrimental to the Republic and as we've seen, it has fueled so many people who probably wouldn't normally feel quite as safe to say what's actually in their heart. Matt 15:18 "But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person." It would hurt me too mainly because to have such a person misuse my child in such a way is a betrayal of the friendship that once was. I'm so sorry but good for your son for sticking up for himself! People like your "friend" aren't used to having their propaganda challenged. Sounds like he held his own and then some!
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Post by pierkiss on Jul 6, 2020 17:11:27 GMT
I don’t even know what to say. Calling your kid (or his friend) a “fucktard” during a political discussion would have been the end for me. I would unfriended that person in a hot second, and I would tell my kid that if that’s what he wanted to do I would fully support it. (I say that as someone who is “friends” with a lot of my parent’s friends to not rock the boat. Because if I had declined those friend requests or completely unfriended them there would be hell to pay. 🙄 I don’t have time for that level of drama, so I just hide everyone). But this sort of behavior gets one deleted from my page. I won’t have it.
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Gennifer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,988
Jun 26, 2014 8:22:26 GMT
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Post by Gennifer on Jul 6, 2020 17:15:41 GMT
I actually deleted a comment from my aunt once (avid Trump supporter) when she called one of my friends a name. I told her that she was welcome to repost her comment without the name calling, and even argue, but civility must be maintained.
There’s no way in hell I could sit by and watch someone discount my child that way. I would have jumped in earlier and said, “Hey, I’m the same age as you, and feel differently.” Age ≠ Rightness.
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muggins
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,861
Jul 30, 2017 3:38:57 GMT
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Post by muggins on Jul 6, 2020 17:16:00 GMT
Protect your mental health and have your son’s back. Unfriend and move on.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:17:35 GMT
I think, if you can, you need to let go of the fact that she argued with your son. He is not a child, kid, or teenager and was engaging in a conversation with another adult. She responded as she would to an adult and it had nothing to do with him being your kid. Next time, your son should ask for 10-12 reasons why she supports Trump and see where that leads. If you are upset over her position, that is one thing, but their conversation isn't a thing Honestly, it wasn't even that she argued with him. It was the dismissive way and the nasty things she said. She can disagree with him. I have zero problem with that. It wasn't an adult conversation--it was "you are young and stupid and some day, you will grow up and realize that" vibe. That is what pissed me off the most, I think. Especially after he shared his reasons why he can't support Trump. She didn't acknowledge his reasons, just again expressed that he will hopefully grow up. I just think that was shitty.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 6, 2020 17:19:13 GMT
I think as soon as other people ie your son's friends became involved it was going to get very ugly very quickly. She was then interacting with strangers on the internet. Honestly if your son allowed the discussion on his page, as an adult that's his business. I would have never allowed it. I don't do politics on facebook ever. I posted once about a specific policy that affected my alma mater as a good 1/3 of my fb friends are also alums and wanted to get the information to them. A cousin commented on the post about his viewpoints. I deleted the comment and texted him that I had done so and would delete any further comments and unfriend and block him if he continued. You do not have to engage with crazy on social media. Now I would also say this individual has demonstrated to me as someone I don't need in my life and the drifting away would become permanent.
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Post by fiddlesticks on Jul 6, 2020 17:20:12 GMT
Uh, her behavior (regardless of her position) is wrong. Have a different viewpoint and have a discussion. It’s the only way to find middle ground. But she wasn’t looking for that. It clearly dissolved into something awful. I wouldn’t hesitate for a minute to unfriend her.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:20:18 GMT
Sounds like he held his own and then some! I will also admit that I very often cringe at what my son posts on FB. But, even when he is beat down and berated, he doesn't back down and stands up for himself. LOL To the "when I was 20 you were shitting in your diapers" comment, someone asked, "How old are you, 90? because I am 70." LMAO. My son, No, she was my mom's best friend in HS. LOL
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:23:09 GMT
There’s no way in hell I could sit by and watch someone discount my child that way. I would have jumped in earlier and said, “Hey, I’m the same age as you, and feel differently.” Age ≠ Rightness. I felt...not right...about jumping in. I try very hard to not get into controversial discussions on FB. I keep my FB lighthearted and fun, and also, I am friends on FB with members of the board of directors of the non profit I work for, so I always keep that in mind. I have been tempted to message her, though and tell her I am disappointed that she would interact with my kid that way. I doubt I will because I am a chicken $hit. LOL
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Post by pierogi on Jul 6, 2020 17:27:30 GMT
Your son did nothing wrong. She stirred trouble on his page, his post, and when she couldn't defend her position, she resorted to profanity and ad hominem. That would be unacceptable behavior towards any of my friends, but towards my family? Dead to me. Doesn't matter where they fall on the political spectrum or how long I've known them.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,587
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 6, 2020 17:28:41 GMT
She's not a friend. Why keep her around? She doesn't fit any definition of a "friend" other than a brief shared history.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:34:15 GMT
Honestly if your son allowed the discussion on his page, as an adult that's his business. I I totally agree. It just bugs me that a friend would do that. I have several friends whose adult children have different beliefs than mine. I would never ever EVER pick a fight with any of my friend's kids on FB or anywhere else. I just wouldn't.
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,836
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on Jul 6, 2020 17:36:43 GMT
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Post by sleepingbooty on Jul 6, 2020 17:38:03 GMT
It sounds like your former friend spends her time checking the social media pages of the family members of the people she went to HS with? That's just odd and stalker-ish. I'd definitely block and move on. Why scroll through stuff you don't want to see from people you're not even in contact with? There is no need for that mental bagage every time you check your feed. I'm assuming she also found her way to your kid's page through yours so another reason to be more selective on social media. Make it easier for yourself.
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Post by SockMonkey on Jul 6, 2020 17:40:08 GMT
I guess ask yourself how you'd feel if she spoke like that to your son in person, and whether you'd want to be friends with her any longer.
How would you handle that?
She was completely inappropriate. At the very least, if you wish to maintain any kind of relationship with her, I'd send a message saying how disappointed you were in her actions and the way she treated your son. Be prepared, though, because her response will likely be full of deflection.
A quiet unfriending is also an option if you no longer wish to maintain any relationship with her.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:41:23 GMT
It sounds like your former friend spends her time checking the social media pages of the family members of the people she went to HS with? That's just odd and stalker-ish. I'd definitely block and move on. Why scroll through stuff you don't want to see from people you're not even in contact with? There is no need for that mental bagage every time you check your feed. I'm assuming she also found her way to your kid's page through yours so another reason to be more selective on social media. Make it easier for yourself. She and my son are friends on FB, so I am assuming his post showed up in her newsfeed. And it showed up in my newsfeed.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:44:21 GMT
I guess ask yourself how you'd feel if she spoke like that to your son in person, and whether you'd want to be friends with her any longer.How would you handle that? She was completely inappropriate. At the very least, if you wish to maintain any kind of relationship with her, I'd send a message saying how disappointed you were in her actions and the way she treated your son. Be prepared, though, because her response will likely be full of deflection. A quiet unfriending is also an option if you no longer wish to maintain any relationship with her. That bolded part is exactly what I feel. Maybe she would say those things in person, who knows.
I did unfriend her. Doubt she will even notice. LOL
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Post by silverlining on Jul 6, 2020 17:45:21 GMT
For me, this is easy. I just am not friends online or in-person with anyone who is that disrespectful of other people.
You might have reasons that you feel you have to preserve this friendship, but I would really think about what values you share with her now at this stage of your life.
My friends may not be many, but they are good people and they love my adult children.
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Jul 6, 2020 17:46:29 GMT
I’m sorry this happened. Your ex friend seems very immature. It sounds like every one is at the end of their rope and about to snap. I know America is going through this right now and it’s hard for me to relate. I don’t know anyone who speaks so often about their political beliefs or who wants to scream their beliefs from the top of a mountain for all to hear. All we do is vote when we get the chance. Other then that I was taught that our beliefs are ours and others have theirs. I don’t always know how my parents or husband vote. Sometimes Dh and I talk about it - although generally it’s clear cut so there is no point in discussing it.
I probably would unfriend this ex friend. Someone who can’t control their emotions with your kids is creating a volatile situation and it isn’t a relationship I’d want to continue with on line when people feel anonymous / like they can say anything without consequences. I’d protect your son and tell him to unfriend too. We are supposed to be supportive of each other in life.
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Post by mellowyellow on Jul 6, 2020 17:46:53 GMT
I would unfriend and not even think twice about it. That's just so mean and hateful.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:48:32 GMT
You might have reasons that you feel you have to preserve this friendship, but I would really think about what values you share with her now at this stage of your life. No, I don't really. Even before our friendship naturally faded away, she was not a good friend for me. At all.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 6, 2020 17:54:18 GMT
I had a person on a social media board whose response to everyone that they disagreed with politically was that he had been in the military and they hadn’t so his opinion was worth more (at one point he argued he should get two votes in elections and he was serious). Anyhow, your former friend reminds me of that, only she is using her age/your son’s age as a status to club him with. It’s the kind of thing a person does when they don’t have an argument.
Honestly, I’d just cut her loose on social media and let your son govern himself.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,759
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jul 6, 2020 17:56:09 GMT
I would probably unfriend her and let go. Your son is able to fight his own battles and it sounds like he is willing to step up on his own to fight for what he believes in. I would not consider her friend if she is willing to demean your son for his beliefs.
Whatever happened to moderates on both sides? We have become a country that is wasting so much time fighting and so unwilling to find common ground in the middle.
Your son sounds like a wonderful man. I wish him well at being the change we want to see in the world.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,541
Jun 26, 2014 1:20:09 GMT
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Post by Just T on Jul 6, 2020 17:57:17 GMT
Honestly, I’d just cut her loose on social media and let your son govern himself. Totally letting my son govern himself. I didn't respond to the thread. I won't. I did cut her loose. Like I said already, she probably won't even notice.
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Rhondito
Pearl Clutcher
MississipPea
Posts: 4,659
Jun 25, 2014 19:33:19 GMT
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Post by Rhondito on Jul 6, 2020 18:03:32 GMT
I would not be okay with this behavior from a current friend toward my adult daughter, much less from someone I went to high school with. A true friend would have too much respect for YOU to speak to your child that way. (And I understand he's not a child in the age sense of the word.) I've unfriended a few high school classmates over the past several months for their vile memes and comments. I don't have room in my life for those kind of people.
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