paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 16:05:56 GMT
It is becoming clear that dd 12 (birthday yesterday) is becoming too rude and ungrateful.
It’s been a bit of a rough road with her during COVID and I’ve made many excuses so that she could socialize (on a walk / outside) as I was so worried about her socially when school shut down. She had just started at a new school and felt isolated from those kids. At the same time she was missing her friends from her old school. So I let her plan to see friends outside and I never took the phone away as it was a means of social connection. She likes to be social but she is slightly different from other kids. She is coded as gifted, is particularly intuitive, empathetic and serious for her age, and has the gifted emotions that come with her coding. I made socializing a priority for her during COVID in the spring and fall. Now we are only allowed to go for a walk with a friend. One at a time. So it takes time to connect to the other kids. Also I have felt bad for her as she (like many) has missed out on a lot over COVID. This is her bat mitzvah year and the year is time dependent so she has missed out on all of it - hers and her friends’.
Well she now seems to run the show and screams and blames me for everything that goes wrong. Last night I somehow ruined her 12th birthday forever - I did go above and beyond for this birthday since we currently can not socialize with anyone outside of our household so that hurt my feelings.
As any parent, I do a lot for her on a daily basis that she is generally grateful for. Her gifted emotions make her my more loving and appreciative child. But when she’s mad she’s the opposite - rude, ungrateful, screaming and physically aggressive. I always make her breakfast / remind her to get ready for school / drive her and this morning I stayed in bed. She’s so mad at me and is in my room crying. I reminded her that she disrespected me and kicked me last night when I asked her to get ready for bed. At the time i said if she doesn’t quickly change her behaviour I’d take her new birthday present roller blades away for the weekend. All she remembers now is that I ruined her birthday.
So this morning i said if you’re late for school your phone will be taken away for 48 hrs. I said if your homework isn’t done and if she misses dance class in order to do it (dance class is on zoom now) then her phone will be taken away for 48 hours. She is in my room crying about how I’m the meanest mommy and I ruined her birthday and I ruined her first day as a 12 year old. It’s hard to hear about how awful I am after I went beyond beyond to make yesterday special. Dh keeps reminding me that she’s just mad.
I keep sticking to reminding her about her disrespectful behaviour and that I’m not a door mat. Usually when she’s disrespectful to me I tell her I don’t like her behaviour, she calms down in her room after much yelling and screaming. Sometimes if it was particularly awful we talk and she apologizes. Most times we just move on.
We have worked with a psychologist with her but it isn’t worthwhile right now. She fails to see her fault in any of her behaviours and thinks she only escalates to screaming and being rude when someone first does that to her. So our psychologist has switched to just working with dh and I. She thinks part of dd’s issues stem from anxiety and self imposed feelings of stress to do everything perfectly all of the time (related to coding).
So it’s a fine balance between dealing with what comes with her coding and not allowing or making excuses for disrespectful behaviour. Dh and I have always differed on how to deal with her. He wants to deal with the disrespect and doesn’t recognize the issues with her coding / anxiety / socializing issues. I have always made excuses, blaming anxiety, difficulty with socializing as triggers for her and offering love instead. But now I see I’ve made a mistake. There must be a balance.
Any advice? She has very little currency. Phone and tv are what I can think of but she watches minimal tv. She enjoys walking with a friend and she loves play dates (which now she isn’t allowed re: gov’t health order). The latter I’ve always been hesitant to take away because I always feel it’s important for her mental health.
Ugh. I’ve asked for advice about her here before. Over the years I’ve learned more and more about how she ticks.
I really feel awful at the moment. I’ve stated my conditions. I don’t feel like I need to be cold but she is so mad at me. She is currently getting ready for school. Dh said he’d drive her if she’s ready in time. She didn’t make breakfast or get any snack ready. She gets lunch at school. She’ll be so mad at me after school too.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 16:06:40 GMT
Sorry this was so long. It was like a long long vent in need of advice.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 26, 2020 16:20:13 GMT
As hard as it might be..IGNORE her rude disrespectful behavior. Don't respond in any manner. Walk away. When she has calmed down--time for a chat with you and her and Dad. I was rude to my mom once at that age--My dad looked at me and said "You will NOT be rude to MY wife". It worked for whatever reason.
She is obviously very upset about a lot of things. We all are but that does not give any of us the right to be rude.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 26, 2020 16:23:57 GMT
I would shorten the amount of time you take the phone at first. From nothing to 48 hrs is a leap.
Next, get ready for it to get worse. Anyone who deals with behavior can tell you that to extinguish a behavior, children will usually escalate first to see if that works.
In addition to the negative consequences for not doing x y z, have a positive consequence FOR doing it.
Just like the negative (phone) start small with small intervals then lengthen the intervals.
Consequences need to be know up front. If this..., then this...
DO NOT ever back down once THIS happens, that opens the door back up for trying it again.
Pick the behaviors you want to reinforce or extinguish. Then choose one or two to work on. Nobody can work on 10 behaviors at once.
Again, prepare for it to get worse.
There is a book called tiny habits that I have used with my students and myself. It seems dumb, but it does work.
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quiltz
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Post by quiltz on Nov 26, 2020 16:25:38 GMT
I reminded her that she disrespected me and kicked me last night when I asked her to get ready for bed. At the time i said if she doesn’t quickly change her behaviour I’d take her new birthday present roller blades away for the weekend. All she remembers now is that I ruined her birthday. Physical abuse should NOT be tolerated or allowed. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2020 16:28:16 GMT
Ignore her negative behaviors
Praise the positive behaviors
Create some kind of reward system for her and find out what her "cash" is (aka what ignites her to do the positive things)
I would also look into therapy. DIR Floortime or the like which is emotional based play therapy. Or even just play therapy.
She may be too old for PCIT but those techniques are great. If, then. When, then. Ect
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psiluvu
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Post by psiluvu on Nov 26, 2020 16:30:56 GMT
Stick to your guns, say what you mean and mean what you say and stay consistent. No giving in, EVER
Everyone is having a hard time right now. All kids are missing out on traditions and socializing. That is not an excuse for bratty disrespectful behaviour.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 16:32:54 GMT
I would shorten the amount of time you take the phone at first. From nothing to 48 hrs is a leap. Next, get ready for it to get worse. Anyone who deals with behavior can tell you that to extinguish a behavior, children will usually escalate first to see if that works. In addition to the negative consequences for not doing x y z, have a positive consequence FOR doing it. Just like the negative (phone) start small with small intervals then lengthen the intervals. Consequences need to be know up front. If this..., then this... DO NOT ever back down once THIS happens, that opens the door back up for trying it again. Pick the behaviors you want to reinforce or extinguish. Then choose one or two to work on. Nobody can work on 10 behaviors at once. Again, prepare for it to get worse. There is a book called tiny habits that I have used with my students and myself. It seems dumb, but it does work. Can you give me an idea of a positive consequence. Like she just got herself to school on time this morning. I also asked her to do her homework and attend her zoom dance (I say that because she said she’ll skip zoom dance if she doesn’t get her homework done to finish her homework — zoom dance isn’t as good as in person of course. This is their third week on zoom dance). If she does those things I could read with her in bed as a positive consequence but what if she’s so mad at me still that she doesn’t want that and she kicks me out. Sorry if I sound silly at this. Also - I understand what you said about the 48 hr thing. I’ve already mentioned 48 hrs to her. I picked 48 hrs because that still allows her to participate on her zoom birthday (party games dh is doing) with her friends on Sunday afternoon. Is it too late to reduce that 48 hrs as per your suggestion. I do think she’ll rise to the occasion and do everything but I want to be prepared. |
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kibblesandbits
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Post by kibblesandbits on Nov 26, 2020 16:33:13 GMT
She kicks and pushes you? lolololol that would be the freaking day, let me tell you. You need to grow a pair, fast.
What does all this have to do with "coding", whatever the hell that is. Because she's smart? Lots of kids are smart. Like, a LOT. She has "gifted emotions" ? Again, what the heck is that?
Seriously, I have a son that is off the freaking charts smart, like ultra Mensa smart, like enter college at 15 smart. Believe me, none of that figured into how we dealt with his actions and behaviors. Maybe you need to let some of that go - you sound more entrenched in it than she does. But sounds like she's figured out how to manipulate you.
12 is a hard age. You pamper her quite a bit . . . time to back that stuff off and start giving her control over her life/daily activities. She's certainly old enough to taker care of her snack, lunches, getting herself up on time, own laundry and personal care.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2020 16:34:28 GMT
Also, it seems she is really over the SAH orders and needs more physical activities. And appropriate outlets.
So again, look into therapies.
We dealt with this same thing with DD (high IQ, Aspie, OCD, Generalized Anxiety)
PCIT, Floortime, and Play Therapy worked very well for her and helped her with her emotions, outbursts, hitting, throwing things, ect
She did those things because she had a hard time finding her words to tell us what was wrong.
Yes even with a high IQ and huge vocabulary, she couldn't find the words to state what was going on (Aspergers)
So those 3 therapies gave her not only the tools to calm herself BUT also the words.
PCIT was also extremely helpful for me to use the right words.
We tried the MEND Program but it sucked and wasn't the right fit for us.
But once we found her anxiety and stress triggers, dealt with those, and slowed down, everything worked out
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 16:38:21 GMT
She kicks and pushes you? lolololol that would be the freaking day, let me tell you. You need to grow a pair, fast. What does all this have to do with "coding", whatever the hell that is. Because she's smart? Lots of kids are smart. Like, a LOT. She has "gifted emotions" ? Again, what the heck is that? Seriously, I have a son that is off the freaking charts smart, like ultra Mensa smart, like enter college at 15 smart. Believe me, none of that figured into how we dealt with his actions and behaviors. Maybe you need to let some of that go - you sound more entrenched in it than she does. But sounds like she's figured out how to manipulate you. 12 is a hard age. You pamper her quite a bit . . . time to back that stuff off and start giving her control over her life/daily activities. She's certainly old enough to taker care of her snack, lunches, getting herself up on time, own laundry and personal care. Was your son also diagnosed with dabrowski’s overexcitability emotions related to giftedness. My dd has a few, emotionally, sensual, psyco motor, she has them all except the creative one. If you have experience with this I would appreciate the help. None of it has to do with academic abilities. She will now just touch me with her finger because she knows she’s not allowed to push me. Or touch me with her foot because she knows she’s not allowed to kick me. But these are her new ways of being physical. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2020 16:39:34 GMT
I would shorten the amount of time you take the phone at first. From nothing to 48 hrs is a leap. Next, get ready for it to get worse. Anyone who deals with behavior can tell you that to extinguish a behavior, children will usually escalate first to see if that works. In addition to the negative consequences for not doing x y z, have a positive consequence FOR doing it. Just like the negative (phone) start small with small intervals then lengthen the intervals. Consequences need to be know up front. If this..., then this... DO NOT ever back down once THIS happens, that opens the door back up for trying it again. Pick the behaviors you want to reinforce or extinguish. Then choose one or two to work on. Nobody can work on 10 behaviors at once. Again, prepare for it to get worse. There is a book called tiny habits that I have used with my students and myself. It seems dumb, but it does work. Can you give me an idea of a positive consequence. Like she just got herself to school on time this morning. I also asked her to do her homework and attend her zoom dance (I say that because she said she’ll skip zoom dance if she doesn’t get her homework done to finish her homework — zoom dance isn’t as good as in person of course. This is their third week on zoom dance). If she does those things I could read with her in bed as a positive consequence but what if she’s so mad at me still that she doesn’t want that and she kicks me out. Sorry if I sound silly at this. Also - I understand what you said about the 48 hr thing. I’ve already mentioned 48 hrs to her. I picked 48 hrs because that still allows her to participate on her zoom birthday (party games dh is doing) with her friends on Sunday afternoon. Is it too late to reduce that 48 hrs as per your suggestion. I do think she’ll rise to the occasion and do everything but I want to be prepared. I think she means positive reinforcement. It is a common PCIT and Floortime technique. For DD we had a chart on the fridge. For every trip to the store where she kept her hands to herself, held on to the cart as we crossed the street, and listened to me, she got a point. Every time she was calm on the way home from school, 1 point. She used her words and was calm, 1 pt. Ect We had park day with just mom for 5 points, movie date with dad 5 pts, ice cream treat or cookie at the local shop for 10, new book for 30, ect. Every time she did something, we praised. It could be "thanks for listening to mom, good listening ears" to "thank you for putting that away for me, that helps mom!" Ect Some kids are praise seekers and thrive off of it. |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Nov 26, 2020 16:40:38 GMT
She KICKED you? Not acceptable!!
Your dh and you need to address her assault on you.
Her attitude needs adjustment. Your dd needs to accept responsibility for her actions.
At four my youngest DGS hit his mother in my presence. I removed him, sat him on a chair stating, "You do not ever hit your mother!" He sat there in stunned silence, did not get up or even ask to. He never hit his mother again.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Nov 26, 2020 16:41:09 GMT
I'm very sorry. I still shudder at the teenage dd years and she is now 28.
Some things I remember:
-keep punishments short. They can pile up and end up meaning nothing. Our dd spent almost all of her 7th grade in her room and nothing improved
-get on the same page as your partner. If she does something really wrong, don't give a snap judgement punishment, discuss with your partner first
-don't get into yelling matches, it is so easy to do
-but it is ok to go into your closet and yell all you want at nothing, sometimes you'll feel better afterwards
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Post by gizzy on Nov 26, 2020 16:42:37 GMT
This hit home for me because we deal with this from DS who has Asperger's. It's always been a fine line between is this something he can't control or is he being bratty?
What I've found is he is several years behind his peers emotionally so his responses are more juvenile than you'd expect. Maybe it's the same for your DD?
Good luck!
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 16:43:00 GMT
I reminded her that she disrespected me and kicked me last night when I asked her to get ready for bed. At the time i said if she doesn’t quickly change her behaviour I’d take her new birthday present roller blades away for the weekend. All she remembers now is that I ruined her birthday. Physical abuse should NOT be tolerated or allowed. Sorry I should have explained. She used to be more so but now knows she isn’t allowed. It will now be a forceful touch with her finger tip or pressure from her leg because she knows she can’t push or kick me. Same meaning / less hurtful but means the same to me. |
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Post by Merge on Nov 26, 2020 16:43:36 GMT
Don’t focus so much on her “coding.” It starts to feel - probably to her, too - that it’s an excuse for her to not learn to manage her feelings.
Lots of personality types, regardless of academic ability, have big feelings and struggle with the appropriate expression of them. Focus on the appropriate expression part. And if her anxiety is not treated, look for help with that as well, because it can be a roadblock in a child learning the adult skill of expressing anger appropriately.
In my experience with an anxious child, punitive consequences make things worse in the short term and don’t improve things in the long term. Facing the loss of her phone and being cut off from her social network was about the worst thing she could imagine, and her anxiety would become uncontrollable. Nothing improved.
It’s been much more productive for us to say, we’ll revisit this when you are more calm. When she is calm, talk about what happened, and praise her ability to calm herself - even if it took a long time. Also talk about how she feels before she starts to feel out of control. I shared with my daughter that when my anxiety ramps up, I feel like someone is coming at me with a knife. I can feel my adrenaline go up and my rational brain shut down. She acknowledges that she feels similarly. She’s worked on asking for a break or to walk away when she starts to feel this way, and take deep breaths or listen to some calming music. She also can work out a polite and respectful way to express what she is feeling.
Ultimately you have to ask yourself if you want to raise a young adult who tries to suppress feelings to avoid punishment, or who learns to recognize and manage feelings productively. I was raised to do the former, and had to unlearn unhealthy behaviors and fix myself so I could help my anxious child do the latter.
What has never worked is my becoming angry or emotional when she does. And again, punishments have NOT worked for us.
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Post by ghislaine on Nov 26, 2020 16:44:24 GMT
This sounds familiar because my 11-year-old acts like this when the Rejection Sensitive Dysphagia aspect of her ADHD gets triggered. It is rough! I make sure she eats regularly because low blood sugar seems to make it worse, as does her sensitivities to gluten and artificial colors and flavors.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2020 16:45:51 GMT
This hit home for me because we deal with this from DS who has Asperger's. It's always been a fine line between is this something he can't control or is he being bratty? What I've found is he is several years behind his peers emotionally so his responses are more juvenile than you'd expect. Maybe it's the same for your DD? Good luck! And that can be common with gifted kids as well. Ahead academically, behind social emotionally |
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Post by playingcinderella on Nov 26, 2020 16:51:47 GMT
I have two gifted kids - 11 and 13. They aren't perfect - they get rude and mouthy, don't get their homework/chores done and generally act like teens/tweens.
They would never kick me or yell/scream at me or DH.
I am going to gently suggest that your DD may have some thing more going on and should be further evaluated.
It is also possible that you have allowed this behavior for far too long and it may be time for some big changes including making her more responsible for her own breakfast, snack and empowering her to make some of her own decisions.
Parenting is tough and this age is particularly challenging.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 16:54:57 GMT
Well she for herself to school on time. She made a breakfast to take with her. She was mad and cold with me but she stopped screaming and acting out of control. I think she’ll rise to the occasion after school and do the 2 things I asked for.
So when she’s no longer angry I guess I talk to her about this experience. Sometimes she’ll cover her ears and say I don’t want to talk about this.
Sorry about all of my questions. The peas have such great advice.
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 26, 2020 16:56:07 GMT
Physical abuse should NOT be tolerated or allowed. Sorry I should have explained. She used to be more so but now knows she isn’t allowed. It will now be a forceful touch with her finger tip or pressure from her leg because she knows she can’t push or kick me. Same meaning / less hurtful but means the same to me. If it has the same meeting it needs to be treated the same. If she can’t push or kick you and she learned that she needs to learn a forceful touch isn’t allowed either. |
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 16:58:10 GMT
I have two gifted kids - 11 and 13. They aren't perfect - they get rude and mouthy, don't get their homework/chores done and generally act like teens/tweens. They would never kick me or yell/scream at me or DH. I am going to gently suggest that your DD may have some thing more going on and should be further evaluated. It is also possible that you have allowed this behavior for far too long and it may be time for some big changes including making her more responsible for her own breakfast, snack and empowering her to make some of her own decisions. Parenting is tough and this age is particularly challenging. Thank you. Yes, she’s been evaluated and there is nothing else there. We found out she was gifted because I was convinced she was bipolar or something like that which is why we did the testing. We can find her crying under the table about unimportant matters or about how she doesn’t know how she’ll cope when I die. So she also has the overexcitable gifted emotions that truly don’t feel like supposed gifts at all. I think your latter comment is likely correct in that I’ve let this go on too long. None of this behaviour shows up at school or in social settings which is part of the problem. She keeps it in and it is hard for her to regulate her emotions all day. She needs to be able to regulate at home too. |
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Post by Skellinton on Nov 26, 2020 17:00:11 GMT
I would also suggest when you are both upset that you don’t dole out a punishment right away. When she does something when you need to deal with send her to her room, take a few moments to calm yourself and talk to your husband about what a reasonable consequence is. When, and only when, she is ready to listen to you both will you talk to her. If she puts her hands over her ears, walk out of the room. Try again in 15-20 minutes. Repeat until she is ready to talk. When things get heated tell her you both need to be calm before discussing things and walk away,
Have you worked with her on coping strategies? That seems like something your therapist should have done with her. Granted, I primarily work with younger kids but I am in a public school and I see the things they do with older kids and they teach a lot of mindfulness and coping strategies with the kids. Maybe your school has a counselor or someone that could help you? We use the Mind Up curriculum with the Pre-K. It is a basic version of what I witness with the older children.
I agree that taking away social interactions with her peers is only going to exacerbate the problem. Unfortunately, right now most social interactions have to be conducted via phone.
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Post by mlynn on Nov 26, 2020 17:00:19 GMT
Also - I understand what you said about the 48 hr thing. I’ve already mentioned 48 hrs to her. I picked 48 hrs because that still allows her to participate on her zoom birthday (party games dh is doing) with her friends on Sunday afternoon. Is it too late to reduce that 48 hrs as per your suggestion. Rather thank reducing the time, how about putting it on pause for her party? So that it is still 48 hours, just not a consecutive 48 hours. Provided, or course, that she behaves in the meantime. I would not reduce the number of hours, or she will not take you seriously in the future. One technique I have used and found effective. I lay out a consequence. For instance, if she does (does not) do something, she won't be able to do x. When she whines about wanting to do x, I tell her that I want her to do it, too, but it is entirely up to her. It puts the ball back in her court. |
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Post by kristi on Nov 26, 2020 17:03:45 GMT
It is not a good time to discuss your feelings/consequences when she is upset. Take a time out and address those things later when things are calm & she is not caught up in the moment.
{hugs} parenting is hard sometimes.
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 17:09:50 GMT
Thank you for all of the advice. I love it. I do find it hard to take about this to my friends IRL. I feel like none of them are dealing with it (I don’t know why) and if I do say anything no one seems to understand. They never see my dd in the same way as she’s super sweet with all of them. I’m going to do a zoom workout and clear my head. I have older dd home today as it’s zoom p/t conferences for the high school. I’ll spend some quiet time with her  and reserve my energy and thick skin for after school when I have to deal with this again. Please keep the advice coming. I do want to add dd12 is usually happy, respectful, loving and obedient. But she can be zero to 60 and do a quick turn around if she gets mad or feels like life is unfair and then this disobedient, screaming, ungrateful child emerges. This happens too often now for it to be a growing up / developing / testing the waters thing. Thank you for the help. |
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Post by Laurie on Nov 26, 2020 17:09:52 GMT
Don’t focus so much on her “coding.” It starts to feel - probably to her, too - that it’s an excuse for her to not learn to manage her feelings. Lots of personality types, regardless of academic ability, have big feelings and struggle with the appropriate expression of them. Focus on the appropriate expression part. And if her anxiety is not treated, look for help with that as well, because it can be a roadblock in a child learning the adult skill of expressing anger appropriately. In my experience with an anxious child, punitive consequences make things worse in the short term and don’t improve things in the long term. Facing the loss of her phone and being cut off from her social network was about the worst thing she could imagine, and her anxiety would become uncontrollable. Nothing improved. It’s been much more productive for us to say, we’ll revisit this when you are more calm. When she is calm, talk about what happened, and praise her ability to calm herself - even if it took a long time. Also talk about how she feels before she starts to feel out of control. I shared with my daughter that when my anxiety ramps up, I feel like someone is coming at me with a knife. I can feel my adrenaline go up and my rational brain shut down. She acknowledges that she feels similarly. She’s worked on asking for a break or to walk away when she starts to feel this way, and take deep breaths or listen to some calming music. She also can work out a polite and respectful way to express what she is feeling. Ultimately you have to ask yourself if you want to raise a young adult who tries to suppress feelings to avoid punishment, or who learns to recognize and manage feelings productively. I was raised to do the former, and had to unlearn unhealthy behaviors and fix myself so I could help my anxious child do the latter. What has never worked is my becoming angry or emotional when she does. And again, punishments have NOT worked for us. This sounds like my dd and I. When her anxiety is ramping up she becomes irrational, crying, yelling and confrontational. This causes my anxiety to kick in so it would end in a yelling match. I do the same thing and when she is like that I tell her that this is a discussion that we won’t have under these behaviors and to come back to me when she is willing to discuss in a calm, respectful fashion. Having us both step back has helped so much. OP. My dd hasn’t been coded but she has always been top of class and when she was younger teachers had trouble keeping her challenged. She is a huge perfectionist and if something goes slightly wrong or not how she planned she goes into a downward spiral. For example if she gets a B on a quiz she has to excuse herself to go to the bathroom to cry. Or if she is corrected in her extra curricular activities. If things don’t go exactly as she has planned and prepared for she can’t regroup. She doesn’t have the coping mechanisms to pivot and move on. The only thing that has somewhat helped is removing herself from the situation. It gives her time to herself to figure out a new plan of action and how she is going to adapt to the new circumstances. Basically paint herself a new picture in her mind of how it is going to go. |
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paigepea
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Post by paigepea on Nov 26, 2020 17:27:05 GMT
Don’t focus so much on her “coding.” It starts to feel - probably to her, too - that it’s an excuse for her to not learn to manage her feelings. Lots of personality types, regardless of academic ability, have big feelings and struggle with the appropriate expression of them. Focus on the appropriate expression part. And if her anxiety is not treated, look for help with that as well, because it can be a roadblock in a child learning the adult skill of expressing anger appropriately. In my experience with an anxious child, punitive consequences make things worse in the short term and don’t improve things in the long term. Facing the loss of her phone and being cut off from her social network was about the worst thing she could imagine, and her anxiety would become uncontrollable. Nothing improved. It’s been much more productive for us to say, we’ll revisit this when you are more calm. When she is calm, talk about what happened, and praise her ability to calm herself - even if it took a long time. Also talk about how she feels before she starts to feel out of control. I shared with my daughter that when my anxiety ramps up, I feel like someone is coming at me with a knife. I can feel my adrenaline go up and my rational brain shut down. She acknowledges that she feels similarly. She’s worked on asking for a break or to walk away when she starts to feel this way, and take deep breaths or listen to some calming music. She also can work out a polite and respectful way to express what she is feeling. Ultimately you have to ask yourself if you want to raise a young adult who tries to suppress feelings to avoid punishment, or who learns to recognize and manage feelings productively. I was raised to do the former, and had to unlearn unhealthy behaviors and fix myself so I could help my anxious child do the latter. What has never worked is my becoming angry or emotional when she does. And again, punishments have NOT worked for us. We tried this approach with the psychologist’s guidance and it didn’t work. She fails to recognize her involvement and continues to blame dh and I, even when in an entirely calm state. We have tried coping strategies for anxiety and she refuses to try. I’ve talked about my experiences with anxiety and she can empathize but doesn’t see it in her. She expresses her emotions and it’s ok to be angry or sad or whatever but she must learn to not be mean and disrespectful. Her anxiety is hard to pinpoint. She can do very anxiety provoking activities without any problem at all. Her anxiety seems to be related to time management and a desire to do everything perfectly. We have been doing our best to teach her time management skills and that can help with her anxiety a lot. Also we talk about being perfect versus being efficient and that there is a balance. We praise effort over grades/ being perfect and kindness above all of that. At school, the teachers say she is the one they can count on to be kind, inclusive, supportive and helpful to everyone and we tell her we care about those comments over grades. But she puts pressure on herself. |
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Post by bearmom on Nov 26, 2020 17:34:37 GMT
I agree with walking away (or sending her to her room) when she is out of control. Punishments should be discussed when everyone is calm and I have reduced a loss of screen time (dds lost all screens, not just their phones) when I got caught up and may have overreact.
Another thought, stop doing so much for her. By 12 (actually 3rd/4th grade) we stopped get them up an a regular basis. By middle school they got their own breakfast and made their lunches (until high school when dh and I switched mornings/afternoons, then he made lunches). Does she have regular chores?
Older dd has anxiety and wants to be perfect also. Positive works better than negative.
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and reserve my energy and thick skin for after school when I have to deal with this again. Please keep the advice coming. 
