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Post by Basket1lady on Dec 3, 2020 18:55:35 GMT
It’s rough when $5 gifts no longer suffice and each gift has to bigger than more grand than the next. I would encourage you to suggest that next year, drawn names should be from another family. That way siblings aren’t buying for each other.
DH is the youngest in his family by a decade and his parents were in their 30s when he was born, as were we when our kids were born. Everyone was over gift giving to the nieces and nephews by then and decided that the kids were too old for it anymore. My kids were 6 &8. BIL’s youngest was 9. Yeah, they got the short end of the stick. Thankfully we are able to provide all our kids want and need, so it was ok. Instead, I always bought a new game for family get togethers and a craft for the kids to work on. I did heavily warn my kids of the new plan and emphasized the togetherness part of the day.
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Post by catmom on Dec 3, 2020 19:02:45 GMT
In our family we never received gifts from our aunts and uncles, and we don’t give gifts to nieces and nephews. We never even considered it, and when I look at the piles of gifts the kids get from parents, Santa, grandparents on both sides, siblings... it’s pretty bloated as is and the kids don’t even remember most of what they get......
I totally get that it really hurts when sibs make preemptive ‘family’ decisions without you. I’ve been there with my family. And I’m sure it’s particularly unwelcome this year, as you were probably trying to make Christmas extra extra special for the grands to make up for the shit show of a year.
I think it could be a great opportunity to embrace new family traditions, focusing on experiences and maybe everyone pooling that Christmas gift money for something fun for the family to enjoy together. I don’t remember too many gifts that I got as a child, but I remember our annual board games and all of us sitting in front of the fire drinking egg nog.
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Post by heckofagal on Dec 3, 2020 19:06:33 GMT
How are your grandchildren suffering? By only getting one gift instead of 2? I would have volunteered the idea of drawing names years ago as I would have felt bad only buying 3 gifts each year when my siblings would have to buy a dozen.
Why don't you create some new traditions of fun things to do with the kids? A couple years I created the saran wrap ball for the littles in our family gatherings. It takes some $ to create one but your grandkids would benefit the most.
As the youngest of 7 kids my kids were kind of on the side of missing out on most of the benefits of gift giving as well. Our traditions have changed over the years. Initially we used to buy for all the grandkids and grandma and grandpa and then exchange names with all the siblings and sibling spouses. Then the kids got to be too numerous so they started exchanging names too. Then we just did kids exchange names and adults don't need gifts. Then we started doing a rob your neighbor game for the adults and it really is entertaining for everyone!
Edited to add...my large family will not be gathering this year as we are doing as recommended and staying home.
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Post by myshelly on Dec 3, 2020 19:13:13 GMT
It sucks that they didn’t include you in the decision making process, but you’re being really overdramatic about it.
Your grandchildren are “suffering”? Really?
You need to change the way you think about it.
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Post by kristi on Dec 3, 2020 19:56:08 GMT
I am amazed by gift giving at Christmas from aunts, uncles, cousins & extended family... do we really need all this stuff? Does a gift mean love? Does not gifting mean you don't care about the person? Does giving more to one over the other mean you like them more (maybe you got a deal, maybe you found the perfect gift & decided to splurge, maybe you are closer to that person)?
My kids are fortunate that they do well with gifts from parents and grandparents. I would say to our extended family save your money - they don't need more!
On one side of the family we decided to exchange only for birthdays until they are 18 (we actually send through college as I have found college students need more than a 4 year old).
I really enjoy giving gifts. That being said, I can't imagine buying for 9 nieces/nephews/cousins to fill a gift requirement. I think in your situation drawing names is very reasonable although I would request that we end the gift exchange and focus on time together.
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uksue
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,536 
Location: London
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Post by uksue on Dec 3, 2020 20:34:59 GMT
I agree with others that it appears things have been very lopsided with gift giving for years .
My kids were never bothered about gifts from cousins etc , only about Father Christmas, grandparents and us their parents. Other gifts generally just been funny little gifts of no great value or cost.
Maybe they felt uncomfortable raising the issue to you - but it’s Christmas, it’s about so much more than ‘things’.
I’m also surprised that such a large group is getting together, as it poses risk to people you will all mix with afterwards .
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Post by hop2 on Dec 3, 2020 20:51:16 GMT
If it weren’t covid times I’d advise a family event instead of gifting.
When my family got to *that* size we settled on a family activity everyone could do together. And with an event such as that you usually get out of it what you put into it. Meaning if you show up with an open mind and intend to participate fully & have fun you will, if you show up closed minded & with a chip on your shoulder that’s what you come away with.
At first my parents paid and we had age ranges from my parents on down to babies.
We did a show in NY
Ice skating
A day at the children’s science/ how things worked museum* this was awesome as the big ones got to get down and play thru all the crawl thru bees nests and whatever and read the plaques to the smaller ones or just have balls thrown at them or whatever
A bounce place
Indoor water park
My dads last Christmas was family game night because he couldn’t handle more. That exhausted him but he loved it so.
After my dad died we just each paid for our own families
One year the kids did ‘pull names’ but it was limited to $10 max for materials required to be created by the giver. That resulted in custom snack mixes, brownies, hats, & a hand made hand loom. ( that might have been the family game night year I’m not sure )
Any way, ive got no answer for this year but post covid I suggest activities they can all do together it makes for good cousin bonding.
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Post by elaine on Dec 3, 2020 20:56:26 GMT
We are talking about siblings being expected to give gifts to the other siblings’ GRANDCHILDREN? Not children, but grandchildren?
I never received a gift from a great aunt or great uncle except for my Bat Mitzvah. Nor have my parents’ siblings (my aunts and uncles) ever given a gift to my children. It would never cross my mind to ever expect that.
I think you all - your Dh and his sisters - can buy for your own grandchildren, but to expect each other to buy for others’ grandchildren is over the top. If the aunts and uncles (so your kids and the siblings’ kids) want to buy gifts for their nieces and nephews, that sounds great, and all the grandchildren will be taken care of by their aunts and uncles and their own set of grandparents.
If all of you are dead set on having so much multi-generational gift giving, which is fine, then drawing names makes more sense or giving family gifts.
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Post by PNWMom on Dec 3, 2020 21:04:17 GMT
I feel you!! I bought all my nephews gifts for many years at Christmas time. I spoiled them too. The moment I had kids....my siblings decided we aren't buying for the kids anymore. One year before I got married and had kids, my sister came to me and said that she and her husband couldn't afford to buy gifts for the siblings that year. I was totally okay with that. Holidays are not about going in debt. So on Christmas eve we all gather at her house. She starts handing out gifts to my parents, my grandmother, my brother, my sister in law, nephews and I literally sat there as the only person without a gift. I felt so stupid and a tiny bit hurt. And the gifts she bought for my brother and his wife weren't cheap either. A few days after Christmas she comes over and hands me this little gift saying she felt bad I didn't get anything. I'm guessing someone said something to her. I open up and it's a purse....a used purse, on that I know she had for awhile. We aren't gathering this year (thank goodness) but we have a similar issue in the past. Siblings do not buy gifts for the "over 18" kids. Well, guess who has the adult kids? Me!!! So all the other nieces and nephews (some whom are only a couple years younger than my kids) get to open their gifts or cash or what have you and my kids sat there with nothing. So I have bought for 11 other kids, and my 20 year old sits with the old fogies empty handed while her 17 year old cousin raked in the cash. I don't know what the right answer is. I'm the exact opposite--I have always done birthday gifts for each of my nieces and nephew (I have 7). The oldest is now nearly 17, and the others are 16, 14, 14, 11, 8 and 5. My girls are 2 and 3. I'm not all about the gifts, but when my eldest received no cards, no presents, no calls from ANYONE in my family except my mother for her first birthday, I'll totally admit it upset me. A lot. I've always honored my nieces and nephew. I was there for each of their births (or at least there within a day or 2--none are local to me but I made a point to get approval for last minute leave from work to drive out of state, etc to be there for them). I thought my siblings would honor my children the same way. Maybe not by physical presence (the closest is ~3 hours away and the rest live the next state over), but by at least a nice card or whatever. My girls get next to nothing. They've never received a single birthday/christmas, etc card. My mom is awesome and as connected to the girls as can be, considering that she lives a state away and cannot drive, but that's it. My sister (who was an egg donor for my youngest daughter) does make a bit of an effort now, but it just hurts my soul that my family over all doesn't want to love my girls the way I have always tried to love theirs. There is no family at all on my husband's side, so my family is it. This will never not hurt. I fully admit that the older nieces/nephew now get Amazon gift cards from me, but they love them and we always chat about what they end up getting themselves (one saved them up and got a massive 8 foot tall cat tree!). |
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on Dec 3, 2020 21:19:45 GMT
You say that you are all for forgetting the gifts and just visiting. Then why are you so upset about the gifting being reduced? Why do you feel your grandkids are suffering? Everyone is going to get a present. If you had been involved in the decision making discussion, what would you have said? Could you say it now for next year's planning purposes? This is really the sort of thing people are talking about when they talk about Christmas being stressful.
And even if every single person at your multiple family gatherings have already had covid I feel that it sends a message of "so sad, too bad" to everyone else who is sacrificing their family gathering this year.
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Post by NanaKate on Dec 3, 2020 22:29:34 GMT
I wouldn’t have a problem with name drawing but agree you should have been in on the decision. But next time, IMO, kids shouldn’t buy for their siblings in this gift exchange.
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Post by Really Red on Dec 3, 2020 22:42:24 GMT
I feel you!! I bought all my nephews gifts for many years at Christmas time. I spoiled them too. The moment I had kids....my siblings decided we aren't buying for the kids anymore. One year before I got married and had kids, my sister came to me and said that she and her husband couldn't afford to buy gifts for the siblings that year. I was totally okay with that. Holidays are not about going in debt. So on Christmas eve we all gather at her house. She starts handing out gifts to my parents, my grandmother, my brother, my sister in law, nephews and I literally sat there as the only person without a gift. I felt so stupid and a tiny bit hurt. And the gifts she bought for my brother and his wife weren't cheap either. A few days after Christmas she comes over and hands me this little gift saying she felt bad I didn't get anything. I'm guessing someone said something to her. I open up and it's a purse....a used purse, on that I know she had for awhile. This is a terrible story. I am so sorry! Your own sister, too. These are things you (clearly) don't forget. sweetshabbyroses I get your disappointment. I hope you said that you wished you had been included on the decision, but I think you probably can see (and it seems you do from your OP) that it is inherently SUPER unfair and also really expensive. I understand kids don't always get this and it seems so silly to have them gift each other, but all 9 aren't from the same family are they? They'd be gifting their cousins, if it's done right. How about instead of what your siblings suggested, you do a dirty Santa. Well, not so dirty, but you know what I mean? Everyone brings a gift valued at about $X. Then you play games or roll dice to open the first one. Someone can take it away or open another one, etc. Each present can be stolen only 3 times or whatever you choose. You can get funny gifts or serious gifts or whatever you like. Kids really like this stuff. |
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Post by katlady on Dec 3, 2020 22:48:28 GMT
How about instead of what your siblings suggested, you do a dirty Santa. Well, not so dirty, but you know what I mean? Everyone brings a gift valued at about $X. Then you play games or roll dice to open the first one. Someone can take it away or open another one, etc. Each present can be stolen only 3 times or whatever you choose. You can get funny gifts or serious gifts or whatever you like. Kids really like this stuff. Depending on how old the children are, this can get ugly, I would think. Young kids may throw a tantrum if a gift they like is "stolen" from them. Maybe just do the roll of the dice, pick a present, and that is it, no "stealing." |
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 3, 2020 22:48:52 GMT
plus, most importantly, our grandchildren (my husband and mine) happened to draw the names of each other so on Christmas Eve they are giving to each other and then again on Christmas Day because that is what we do here at our house. Unless I'm missing something, you expect your DH's siblings to gift more to your grandchildren than what you do at your own house where they draw names? How are your grandchildren suffering? Instead of two gifts, they only get one? All the kids will be getting the same so I'm just not seeing the issue. |
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