ComplicatedLady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,083 
Location: Valley of the Sun
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Post by ComplicatedLady on Dec 27, 2020 6:18:20 GMT
If she’s been upset and crying with everything going on this year, is it possible that she feels guilty somehow regarding your mental illness?
Like she created a barrier for you that makes life harder?
From here on the outside, I twisted it around to mean something like you are an amazing person and imagine how much more amazing you could’ve been if she hadn’t created a difficulty for you to overcome and gotten in your way.
Not sure if that makes sense. Someone said upthread that moms usually want to protect our kids from the hard reality of life. Maybe she was trying to say that you did it despite her being your mom?
I dunno though. Maybe she blurted out something stupid and hurtful and we are all over analyzing it too. Hard to say without being there.
However she meant it, it doesn’t mean that the way she said it doesn’t sting. Your response is completely valid.
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PLurker
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,840
Location: Behind the Cheddar Curtain
Jun 28, 2014 3:48:49 GMT
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Post by PLurker on Dec 27, 2020 6:49:07 GMT
Aww jeremysgirl that is one hard pill to swallow. You are perfect as is. You wouldn't be you without the paths you've traveled. That being said, I want to stick up for your mother,too. I think she stepped in it with her wording but I choose to believe she just wants the best and easiest for you as many moms do. Or at least they think they do. But if you really think about it the best is not always the easiest. It's hard to see our children struggle even though in the end it may make them a better, kinder or more empathetic person. I bet if she thought it through before speaking she'd agree. At least I hope so. Hugs and love to the perfectly imperfect person you are. You are awesome. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 27, 2020 8:44:40 GMT
What elaine said. Also, as the mother of a bipolar DD, who has watched her struggle and endure so much, yes, I have THOUGHT “ what could her life have been if she did not have to deal with this?” don’t get me wrong, I think DD is amazing. But her mental illness has kept her from reaching goals in both career and family arenas that most people her age take for granted. It hurts like crazy to see her left out of so much that she deserves more than anyone I know. I have similar feelings about my autistic, narcoleptic DS. The guy is kind, brilliant, and creative. He’s also broke and alone. This is not how I saw his life unfolding. Of course, I would never say what your mom said. But what I heard is she is so impressed with your accomplishments in the face of your challenges, she can’t even imagine what all you could do without them. That, I understand. I’m so proud of my kids for picking themselves up and carrying on after the knocks they’ve received, but you all are right, it’s how we handle these tough realities in our lives that bring out the admirable qualities. I’m sorry you were so hurt. No one wants to feel not good enough in the eyes of their parent. |
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Post by scrappinmom3 on Dec 27, 2020 9:16:19 GMT
Oh, I don’t know, it’s Michigan, maybe her brain was frozen on stupid (not dogging Michigan, I live here too) but wtf? I so appreciate your honesty, your creativity and so much more. You are fabulous just as you are.
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RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,921
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
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Post by RedSquirrelUK on Dec 27, 2020 10:27:17 GMT
Holy foot-in-mouth, Batman, way to bugger up a compliment.
But she loves you, she just got her words very wrong. Try to take the sugar in the compliment and discard the vinegar. Think of all the people in the world who have no excuse and still manage to be a waste of skin. You may have to work extra hard BUT YOU SUCCEED in the things that matter.
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Post by koontz on Dec 27, 2020 11:02:06 GMT
Ouch that must have hurt. I think you’re amazing. One of my kids, who is equally intelligent, kind, funny and amazing as his brother will always have a more difficult road to get to where he wants to be because of brain chemistry. That is not who he is, it is something he has. It also brings positive things, he is creative, I am sometimes amazed by where his imagination takes him and I have no doubt he’ll achieve what he wants to. Would I want things to be as easy for him as for his brother? Yes and no. Yes, because I want his life to be easy and happy, not filled with struggles. No, because he is who he is and I think he’s pretty awesome. I wouldn’t want to change him one bit.
Oh,and those people with the perfect life where everything always comes easily? I don’t believe that. I think we all have our struggles in life, for different reasons.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 11:57:58 GMT
PLurker said: That being said, I want to stick up for your mother,too. I think she stepped in it with her wording but I choose to believe she just wants the best and easiest for you as many moms do. Or at least they think they do. But if you really think about it the best is not always the easiest. It's hard to see our children struggle even though in the end it may make them a better, kinder or more empathetic person. I bet if she thought it through before speaking she'd agree. At least I hope so I can see this. I want this for my own children too. I can see how she thinks that I maybe have overcome so many of my struggles. And as I said upboard she has been struggling with the pandemic and has really leaned on me. And I learned long ago not to lean on her. So I think part of this is that she doesn't always see my struggles. She may think I'm handling everything in stride really. Which couldn't be further from the truth but she doesn't see that.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 12:09:35 GMT
lesserknownpea said: But what I heard is she is so impressed with your accomplishments in the face of your challenges, she can’t even imagine what all you could do without them. That, I understand. I’m so proud of my kids for picking themselves up and carrying on after the knocks they’ve received, but you all are right, it’s how we handle these tough realities in our lives that bring out the admirable qualities. Your whole post was nice. I'm sorry for your kids struggles. And it's nice to hear your perspective as a mom. My kids struggle too and right now I just feel in a holding pattern. Like my breath is caught right now just waiting to see what they do. I truly believe that adversity is where character is bred. I believe that this is where we get to build our strength. And the ages of my kids right now they are just tiptoeing into the world so I haven't had the chance to really see their reaction to it. Maybe in ten years I'll have a pause to wonder about what their life might have been like without mental illness. I don't know. And my perspective as a mother is different than my perspective on myself too. Things I just accept about myself. I accept that this is who I am. And the cards that I've been dealt. I don't wish differently. But for my kids I do. I do wish differently. I do wish they didn't have the same struggles as me. And I would absolutely make it 150% harder on myself if I could make it easier for them. So I definitely appreciate your perspective. Sometimes it's hard to look outside our own head and see it from someone else's perspective.
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 27, 2020 12:14:42 GMT
Awww, I'm sorry your Mom's words hurt you! You are such a wonderful person, and I admire HOW HARD you have worked to overcome struggles, AND you're also an awesome Mom!!! (( hugs ))
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Dec 27, 2020 12:20:29 GMT
Geez, I'm so sorry! What a thing to say!
From everything you've posted over the years, I admire the strength you live your life with, and carry your family forth with. You are an amazing wife, mom, and lady.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 27, 2020 13:59:58 GMT
Ouch. I am sure she only wished you hadn't had to struggle. All moms want smooth lives for their children.
I look at you and think - wow! She is one of the most loving and compassionate people I know. I think your struggles have made you who you are.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 14:23:46 GMT
Many thanks to you guys for all the kind compliments. You didn't have to say such kind things but they were appreciated.
I'm doing some thought work around this. I feel better this morning.
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Post by destined2bmom on Dec 27, 2020 15:02:31 GMT
jeremysgirl I just saw this thread. And I agree with smcast and elaine about what your mom was trying to say. And whoever said that your mom feels bad that you have this condition. First of all You are amazing to me! You are a fabulous wife, mother and stepmother, incredible baker, creative crafter and crocheter. You are being good to yourself by running and trying to get healthy. You are a very deep thinker and a great accountant and employee. You are kind, thoughtful and enduring. I think that this pandemic has been very hard on people, especially those who live alone. I think that she has had so many things going on in her head; that the great things about you came out; along with her fears. Please give her and you some Grace. I know that you have it in you. Hugs!
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Post by auntkelly on Dec 27, 2020 16:32:02 GMT
I certainly understand why you were hurt. I’m so sorry.
I had a relative who intentionally said hurtful things to me all the time. She’d often disguise her insults as compliments. (I don’t know how you do all you do. It’s a good thing you don’t care if your house is messy).
That person has been gone for a long time, but I still struggle with my feelings about her. I know she loved me, but I never understood how she could be so cruel at times.
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Post by catmom on Dec 27, 2020 16:34:58 GMT
What a breathtakingly shitty thing to say. I'm sorry. Sometimes the people who hurt us are also the people who love us.
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artbabe
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,406
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Post by artbabe on Dec 27, 2020 16:56:24 GMT
Eek! My jaw would be on the ground, too. I think she just spoke without thinking it through but that was a really rough thing to say.
As a fellow bipolar chick I absolutely know my life would have been much different if I didn't have it. I know I would have had a family- I really wanted a husband and children and it didn't happen for me- I'm sure that is due to the bipolar.
I don't like to think about that. I'm sure if someone brought that up it would bring me to tears.
I'm always impressed with how positive, intelligent, and thoughtful you are.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,405
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Dec 27, 2020 17:36:39 GMT
Mothers eh?
Mine was the expert in the back handed compliment. Usually delivered in public and in a crystal clear voice at an inappropriate moment.
For what it’s worth, my good friend Johanna sees her bipolar as a blessing. She is the most artistically gifted person I know, and she swears that she wouldn’t have the courage to be so creative without the condition.
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Post by sam9 on Dec 27, 2020 18:43:59 GMT
I'm so sorry this happened to you and that it made you feel so badly. Just remember that no one is perfect, we're all human. Don't overthink your mom's lapse into insensitivity. Take it as an intimate family moment where she let down her guard.
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 27, 2020 19:02:14 GMT
First of all, I'm very glad that you have your friend on unfollow. Constant whining and complaining about being a victim of one's illness is non-productive and wreaks of self pity. It's a way to grab really negative attention and rather than gaining support and love it makes one look pathetic, imho. You have always modeled healthy behaviors despite being bi-polar. Your mom was telling you how wonderful you are and then lamenting that she wishes you could have had an easier life. I wonder if she is blaming herself in some way for an issue that is no one's fault? Yes, there's a genetic predisposition, but that's simply chemistry and biology. However, thinking about those what-if's is so self destructive. We have what we have and we make the best of it. When I think about you I don't think, " wow. jeremysgirl is bi-polar, but I wonder what she's having for dinner". Bi-polar disorder doesn't define you. What defines you is your awesome mothering, strength, humor, compassion, lovely crochet projects and great empathy. When I think about you those are the things that come to mind. You're an amazing woman. That's the only thing I see. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 19:12:27 GMT
Mothers eh? Mine was the expert in the back handed compliment. Usually delivered in public and in a crystal clear voice at an inappropriate moment. For what it’s worth, my good friend Johanna sees her bipolar as a blessing. She is the most artistically gifted person I know, and she swears that she wouldn’t have the courage to be so creative without the condition. I can agree with this assessment. My quirks are part of what makes me interesting. I often think about things differently than other people and bring a different perspective. It can sometimes give me courage to be bold in situations where others remain quiet. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 19:16:56 GMT
scrapmaven said: However, thinking about those what-if's is so self destructive. We have what we have and we make the best of it. As I've gone through the processing of my feelings this is what I come back to. It made me angry. I never allow myself to think of the what ifs. I always live in the what is. And it made me angry that she entertained that idea. That's the crux of it. After processing the whole thing and the feelings. I'm angry at her for doing something I don't dare to do.
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
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Posts: 4,053
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Post by Olan on Dec 27, 2020 19:27:29 GMT
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 19:39:06 GMT
Olan that was beautiful song and video. Thank you.
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Post by lisae on Dec 27, 2020 19:44:38 GMT
Ah, yes, a Mother's compliment. There is nothing quite like them. I think she did have good intentions. And I think you are a positive, creative, kind person with a healthy perspective. period.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Dec 27, 2020 20:05:41 GMT
You're the kind of person I aspire to be. You're kind, intelligent, strong, measured and self aware. You're a fiercely loving mother, wife, daughter, and friend.
Everything in you has made you into this person. I know you struggle with your illness and I hate that for you. But I do not think you would have been anyone but who you are without it. Who you are is pretty fucking great.
I think your mom knows this, too. She was definitely clunky (great word choice) when expressing her wish that life had been easier for you.
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Post by silverlining on Dec 27, 2020 20:41:13 GMT
"And she was trying to be kind. So my response was, I really choose not to consider what my life would be without mental illness. Maybe I wouldn't be as creative or sensitive or positive if I wasn't bipolar. And I mean that. I *never* think of the what ifs as far as my total personality goes."
I made my own quote from your post. The way you responded is brilliant. You give her the benefit of the doubt that she had kind intentions, and also help her think of it in another way. I think if I had a few hours to get over my hurt feelings, I might have been able to come up with something half as wise as that!
I admire the way you are teaching your loved ones, and all of us here on the board, about mental illness and I'm in awe of your self-awareness and thoughtfulness.
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Post by scrapmaven on Dec 27, 2020 20:42:56 GMT
scrapmaven said: However, thinking about those what-if's is so self destructive. We have what we have and we make the best of it. As I've gone through the processing of my feelings this is what I come back to. It made me angry. I never allow myself to think of the what ifs. I always live in the what is. And it made me angry that she entertained that idea. That's the crux of it. After processing the whole thing and the feelings. I'm angry at her for doing something I don't dare to do. I know exactly what you mean. At this point there is no cure and the meds can only do so much. So, you must live in the present. When you're working at doing just that, it derails you when your mom presents what could have been. You could have been doesn't do any good, when your job is to accept who you are, all parts of you and live your best life, despite it.
Remember on the dinner thread when I said that I don't pray for healing for anyone? It's not that I don't want people to heal. Of course I do. I don't believe that G-d selects people to have specific problems. Nor do I believe that G-d says you get to heal and you get to heal, but you're outta luck." I think G-d might help to give us the emotional energy that we need to deal w/our mental and physical health struggles. JMHO.
No matter what, you are so much fun and I could care less about your mental health, other than the fact that I know that it causes you to suffer sometimes and I don't want to see my friend suffer. (((((HUGS))))).
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Post by alexa11 on Dec 28, 2020 2:52:20 GMT
I'm so sorry that she said those hurtful things to you- hugs!
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,382
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Dec 28, 2020 3:25:59 GMT
Thank you! I do agree that my life would be easier if I didn't have bipolar. And that sentiment I would have totally understood. What if you are all of those awesome things (that both of you are) BECAUSE of your bipolar? Maybe if you weren’t bipolar you would both be mega mega bitches? (Just trying to maybe spin it positive here. Mom was TOTALLY out of line with her comment!) That’s exactly what I was thinking. I’m of the opinion that everything I’ve gone through has made me the person I am today. If I hadn’t had problems maybe I wouldn’t have learned to be empathetic. If I hadn’t suffered from depression maybe I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now. It’s a double edged sword. |
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