casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,449
Jun 29, 2014 14:40:44 GMT
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Post by casii on Jan 14, 2021 16:42:00 GMT
I'm just so sad about the state of the world right now but most especially sad for my DS and DDIL. They are in Seattle, so across the country which makes it even harder to connect.
He called us last night and we talked for over 2 hours about how things had been going. I know Covid served to magnify whatever issues they may have already had, but at the heart of it, he does not want children and she does. She's changed her mind in the last couple of years and they're at an impasse. I love them both so much and it's clear they love each other, but they are not changing their minds.
She's taking one of the dogs and driving to FL to stay with her parents for a while and he's hanging back in Seattle overwhelmed & trying to take it one step at a time. Due to Covid, his work has been shut down much of the time, so financially he's very worried. She works for a large tech company and can work remotely so she's okay. Their lease on their house was supposed to be up next month, but he extended it by a month to have some cushion. He's seeing a therapist and trying to find a marriage counselor who will see them both remotely if possible. Even if it's just to work through how to separate without tearing each other apart.
He knows he can land here for a while if needed, but he really loves Washington since he's a huge outdoors guy. Our East Coast mountains don't excite him.
Anyway, just a brokenhearted time and if you have any advice for DH and I or for him/them, bring it. I'm ready to tell 2021 to please leave right now and it's only mid January.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,628
Location: Kansas City -ish
Jun 27, 2014 2:38:58 GMT
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Post by Anita on Jan 14, 2021 16:54:01 GMT
I'm not sure, but I understand. Our DD moved in with us in March for a job she took locally. Along the way, she and her husband decided to get a divorce. I'm sad for her and she's going through a lot emotionally, but I'm glad we are here for her however she needs us.
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,837
Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Jan 14, 2021 17:01:00 GMT
No advice, just lots of hugs for you and your family.
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casii
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,449
Jun 29, 2014 14:40:44 GMT
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Post by casii on Jan 14, 2021 17:01:35 GMT
I'm not sure, but I understand. Our DD moved in with us in March for a job she took locally. Along the way, she and her husband decided to get a divorce. I'm sad for her and she's going through a lot emotionally, but I'm glad we are here for her however she needs us. That's rough. I'm glad she has you in her corner.
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Post by epeanymous on Jan 14, 2021 17:05:12 GMT
I am sorry. I knew several couples when I was younger in that position, and I will be honest and say that all of them divorced — there just isn’t a compromise :/. Maybe they can get to a different resolution through counseling.
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Post by fredfreddy44 on Jan 14, 2021 17:09:56 GMT
Just being there to listen and support seems to be the best. Our dd got divorced last year. It is painful, especially when it is not friendly and it most definitely was not. My dh gave her lots of advice as he got divorced when he was young as well, and did all the legwork himself. We paid for a 2 hour consult with a lawyer just to make sure all the bases were covered in regards to their child. He and his mom were also there for the court dates for moral support and to make sure she kept herself in check in front of the judge.
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Post by Really Red on Jan 14, 2021 17:10:33 GMT
This is a terrible situation. I am sure it breaks your heart and theirs as well. I think there is little you can do except remind him you always have his back. It is very powerful to know your parents support you 100%. My mom did not and it was difficult. I'm sorry.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 12:37:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2021 17:20:10 GMT
I'm so sorry. They sound pretty mature and you sound loving. Which bodes well for all concerned. Hugs.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,261
Location: MN
Mar 18, 2016 14:06:38 GMT
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Post by smcast on Jan 14, 2021 17:27:46 GMT
Be there for him to vent and just listen. Being emotionally available is worth a lot! I'd be careful about bad mouthing your dtg in law, in case they reconcile. So many people offer unsolicited advice and think one size fits all in situations like these. Very difficult situation. My parents listened to my ex spew nasty things about me and didn't ask me for my side of the story. They did the exact opposite of what one would expect. I didn't feel supported at all. I didn't expect them to 100% take my side but at least give me the benefit of the doubt. My parents aren't bare your souls, talk it out type of type of people and emotionally unavailable.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 12:37:11 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2021 17:28:19 GMT
I am sorry. I knew several couples when I was younger in that position, and I will be honest and say that all of them divorced — there just isn’t a compromise :/. Maybe they can get to a different resolution through counseling. (((hugs))) to you and to them. That would be so hard. We have talked extensively to our DD about this very topic. She doesn't want children and her long term BF does. They are waiting to get married due to the pandemic. We have been very clear that she is not to marry him if she does not want children and is certain about it, as it would be unfair to give him false hope. It sounds like there was some mind changing in your situation which is always tricky and challenging. I am sure that feels very unfair to your DS. I have had several friends who got into their 30's and suddenly wanted a baby when they didn't before.
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Post by Skellinton on Jan 14, 2021 17:35:34 GMT
I am sorry. I agree that you just need to be a sympathetic ear and a cushion to land on should he need it.
I hope your son doesn’t feel pushed into something he is not comfortable with just to save the marriage, nor his wife either. I am sure counseling would be a good idea if nothing else to affirm their decisions.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jan 14, 2021 17:39:11 GMT
I knew several couples when I was younger in that position, and I will be honest and say that all of them divorced — there just isn’t a compromise This is a unique disagreement, isn't it? To stay together, one wins and one loses. It would be heartbreaking to be in a marriage with someone you love but have this fundamental difference with. I think there is little you can do except remind him you always have his back. It is very powerful to know your parents support you 100%. I think this would be my message to my child. "I hurt for you and don't really know what to say or how to help you, but I am here for whatever you need."
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 14, 2021 17:50:59 GMT
Sadly, I've seen friends break up over this as well. There really is no compromise on whether to have kids or not. It is heartbreaking to watch. My only advice is to listen and help him/them move forward.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,530
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jan 14, 2021 17:53:32 GMT
I'm so sorry. They sound pretty mature and you sound loving. Which bodes well for all concerned. Hugs. I agree. I'm so sorry - it's sad all around.
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Post by malibou on Jan 14, 2021 18:52:26 GMT
This really is such a tough, tricky, issue to deal with. And there does seem to be an uptick in its frequency. Our kids are ever so much more aware about global issues, and a common one that they embrace is over population. This leads to many proclaiming they are never having kids. It can be a very 'line in the sand' kind of thing. Fast forward 10 years and the biological clock starts a tickin'. That clock can get immensely loud for those that are now settled into their career and savings is on track and all around you your friends have kids and can't hang in the same way. They also don't talk in the same way anymore, it's kids kids kids. It's really LOUD. There is no way for that early twenty year old to comprehend what is coming.
Here is what happened in my case. I am 56. I am the middle of 5 kids, no issues with us being made to watch/take care of younger siblings. I was never super into the idea of having kids. No part of it appealed to me. I started my menstruating the day after my 11th birthday, so I wasn't a late bloomer in that hormonal sense. I was in the Army and 18 when I met my first boyfriend. We eventually got engaged. He always spoke of having 2 kids, but not until we were in our 30s. I always figured I would find a way to negotiate it down to one, and I could be okay with that.I even researched only children. On my 25th birthday he left me a note on my night stand saying he just needed to clear his head and he was sorry but it was over. He took my car, and I never heard from him again. I spent a year in counseling dealing with man hating issues and a week before my 26th birthday I met my husband. He said he didn't want kids! We waited 4 years before we got married after talking about getting married on the day we met. Just shy of a year before we got married, my biological clock went crazy! I asked him several more times If he was sure on the no kid thing because I was wavering. He kept saying, I'm sure. Then he would say something about how people sometimes change. I thought long and hard about marrying someone who didn't want kids and sought counseling, all the while my biological clock is at tornado warning sound level. I get finally decide that I loved Dh too much to let this stand in the way. We got married, our careers were moving along, and right as we were turning 35, Dh announces that he thinks now would be a good time to have a baby. WHAT!!! I took me several months to process all of it, he made a good argument, I said only 1. Ds just turned 20. And he has been a perfect addition to our little family.
Thoughts, ideas, notions, feelings, they can change, but it takes both parties being honest. Honest about their feelings from the past and how they have changed and why. Counseling is a good idea so everything can be said in a fairly neutral setting. This is a really really big rift for them, but it is not insurmountable if they put in the time to break it all down. And in the long run, regardless of what the outcome is, they will have a really good skill set in how a marriage/partnership works.
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Post by Linda on Jan 14, 2021 19:19:00 GMT
I think the best thing you can do is listen to your child (and your child-in-law if you have that sort of relationship). Don't take sides, don't say things about the other person, don't offer advise, just listen and be there for them and pray for them (if you are one to pray).
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,145
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 14, 2021 20:59:25 GMT
This is a terrible situation. I am sure it breaks your heart and theirs as well. I think there is little you can do except remind him you always have his back. It is very powerful to know your parents support you 100%. My mom did not and it was difficult. I'm sorry. My mom was never in my corner either and it adds a level of difficulty to things. So my advice would be to never badmouth, but always be in his corner. Since he's so far away, i'd reach out pretty regularly to check in with him and make sure he's doing ok. Make sure he knows you're always there to listen. He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. Just keep supporting.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,757
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jan 14, 2021 23:26:45 GMT
Because the issue is having children, there really isn’t much anyone can say or do. There is no amount of counseling that can fix this. I actually applaud them both for standing up for something so important. If they stayed together there would be resentment on somebody’s part forever.
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Post by lucyg on Jan 14, 2021 23:29:04 GMT
I’m very sorry. May they work it out peacefully and maybe even happily.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jan 14, 2021 23:45:49 GMT
I’m sorry your child is going through this.
My son married a woman who said she understood he had enough responsibility already with the two children he already had with his first wife. Then bingo! 35 came and she HAD to have kids. Two boys, two years apart, and she got overwhelmed and couldn’t cope while he was at work, so she moved in with her parents and is now divorcing him and being crazy difficult about parenting time.
Her parents do most of the care of those kids she HAD to have. I love my grandsons, ( when u can actually see them ), but my son should have gotten a vasectomy when he knew he had so the kids he could care for.
Being there as a support us the best thing ever you can do.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jan 15, 2021 0:04:44 GMT
I’m sorry; I hope that they work it out.
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Post by heathers on Jan 15, 2021 0:23:20 GMT
This really is such a tough, tricky, issue to deal with. And there does seem to be an uptick in its frequency. Our kids are ever so much more aware about global issues, and a common one that they embrace is over population. This leads to many proclaiming they are never having kids. It can be a very 'line in the sand' kind of thing. Fast forward 10 years and the biological clock starts a tickin'. That clock can get immensely loud for those that are now settled into their career and savings is on track and all around you your friends have kids and can't hang in the same way. They also don't talk in the same way anymore, it's kids kids kids. It's really LOUD. There is no way for that early twenty year old to comprehend what is coming. I think my clock may be broken. It’s going in the opposite direction the older I get. When I was younger, I was convinced I would have kids and now that I’m settled in a career with savings... the thought of a child flipping that upside down seems less appealing. 🙂 I’m sorry, OP, it’s tough. I went through a break up recently because I wanted to get married and my significant other did not. There’s certain dealbreakers in relationships that neither party should have to compromise their wants, children being one. I’ve appreciated my parents being there to listen if need be. Luckily, my ex and I are still good friends and realize now that we are better off this way.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,374
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jan 15, 2021 0:29:12 GMT
Just be there for him.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 15, 2021 4:23:03 GMT
Don't try to fix it, just listen and let your son know you love him and are sad for his pain.
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Post by hockeymom4 on Jan 15, 2021 4:49:15 GMT
I can only imagine how difficult it is as a parent (which is why I haven’t told my mom that DH and I have decided to separate!!)
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Post by prapea on Jan 15, 2021 5:23:09 GMT
This is a terrible situation. I am sure it breaks your heart and theirs as well. I think there is little you can do except remind him you always have his back. It is very powerful to know your parents support you 100%. My mom did not and it was difficult. I'm sorry. I am not in your situation but this response made me reply. 100% what Really Red said. Let your kid (yeah yeah he is an adult blah blah but he is your child) know that you are there for whatever he wants. One more thing I would like to add, do not talk /give your opinions about your DIL to your son. Even if you love her and she is the best thing ever, don’t say that to him now. And don’t say anything negative about her either. No matter, which way they go, divorce or no divorce, what he will remember is what you said of her. So just be there
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Post by Just Beth on Jan 15, 2021 8:54:59 GMT
When my ex and I were divorcing, his parents did not meddle and they treated me very nicely. We maintain a good relationship to this day which only benefits everyone especially my kids.
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JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,821
Location: Indianapolis
Jul 2, 2014 17:12:39 GMT
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Post by JustTricia on Jan 15, 2021 12:34:59 GMT
Like everyone else has said, be there for him when he wants to talk. But, only when and what he wants to talk about. Don’t force him to talk or to talk about what he wants doesn’t want to talk about.
My mom and sister were INSISTENT they needed to know what was going on in my divorce. They are extremely nosy people. Asked questions non-stop and made me talk even though I didn’t want to. I know, I should have said no but pleasing other people instead of myself was part of the issue in my marriage and I wasn’t strong enough to say no. They got all the info they wanted and I would feel tired, sad, and wrecked for days. And as soon as I would start to feel better again, the questions came again.
All that came of that is I got stronger and put up a wall so that I rarely talk to them about my feelings anymore. Talking to them isn’t worth the cost to me. Both of them are hurt that I don’t share with them anymore, but I learned that what I wanted to share wasn’t good enough for them. Big lesson I’ve taken in to account as my son has gotten older.
So, listen and support. It goes a long way.
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Post by gramasue on Jan 15, 2021 13:40:36 GMT
It's so hard to watch someone you love go through an emotional crisis. All you can do is listen, love, and be there for whatever support he needs.
I agree wholeheartedly with the advice that you not 'take sides' or say anything negative about DIL. I'm sure she is hurting, too, and hopefully, the two of them can come out of this still caring about one another.
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jan 15, 2021 16:05:16 GMT
I have an only. I would have had two, but DH was done at one. I’m actually not very maternal nor motherly (just ask my DS!), but I know I would have always thought, “what if?” As I’ve gotten older I’ve actually regretted not having two. Not for me, but for DS. Our family has always been so insular and we never lived near family (military). I worry about my son being alone when we’re gone. He also says he’s never getting married or having kids.
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