Did someone say something helpful after a loved one died?

My mom died when I was nine.

Her aunt and cousin came for the funeral, then raided her closet.

As they were leaving, her aunt said to me, "First you cry, then you forget."

WTF lady? What kind of thing is that to say to a little girl whose world had just crashed down? I had only met her once before that. And I have never seen her since.

I've lost two very significant loved ones in my life. My first DH committed suicide and I was 5 months pregnant. It was shocking to all our friends as it was for me. A "friend" asked me "why he did it. Everyone wanted to know." I was in shock.

My DD passed away at age 14, she was special needs and my first DH's biological DD. My DH now adopted her and my other DD right after we married.

One of THE most helpful things a friend said to me a few weeks after DD died. She called me and asked how I was. Of course I said fine. And she said, "no I really am asking how you are, I care." I think I talked to an hour pouring out my feelings and she LISTENED!!

Everyone who was sincere was helpful in some way.

My husband was not a perfect man. He was the kinda guy who made the moon and then hung it just a tiny bit askew. Once in a while it even fell, only to be patched with duck tape and then put back up there again.

People who knew him understood that. He was special. He was talented and witty and always helping others.... and he was forever getting people to fall for the most ridiculous things only to see him flash that mischievous grin and twinkle in his eye and have them rolling in laughter for having yet again fallen to his wit.

There were a lot of stories told and a lot of laughter shared.  What can be more helpful than that?

I can't remember anyone saying anything really bad- except one woman a couple of weeks later...after finding out my mom died 5 weeks after my dad said (with a WTF? tone of voice) "So what- she couldn't live without him?"
Ummm- they were divorced, nimrod. I think she got used to living without him.

Mostly it was a mass of "Sorry about your loss/mom/dad." Two guy neighbors standing around gossiping, yelled it across the lawn one day when I was coming out of the garage. It was such a guy thing to do, it made me laugh. I really appreciated when people made me laugh. That was such a shitty summer.

On the flip side- at my mom's memorial service I said something so dumb, I still can't believe it.
A woman I have known for years, mother of an ex longtime boyfriend of mine, mother of my SIL's best friend - we've known her forever. She lives kind of far away now and made the drive in for both of my parent's services. It was really nice of her to do, and we appreciated her being there. So what did I say?  "Thanks for coming. I think we have now run out reasons to drag you back to the old neighborhood."

I wish I was kidding. I don't know what came over me or who took over my brain.

When my dh died unexpectedly when I was 31 and 4 days before Christmas after his funeral one of his friends told me "its OK to be sad"

I know that seems OK to be sad but i really needed to hear it was OK. I was trying to be strong for everyone.

I was very close to my grandma. When she died, my uncle acknowledged the special bond I had with her. He said that we were kindred spirits.  I was really touched by that statement.  It still brings a tear to my eyes.

I don't have anything new to add to the OP but I just want to say that I strive to be the kind of friend/relative that you are, my friend.  You're so thoughtful and caring.

My dad died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago.  Two of my cousins (sisters) are Presbyterian ministers - and they are awesome.  One of them posted on facebook about her favorite memories of my dad and what a special person he was... her sister did the same thing, and then for weeks people were posting their memories of him.  It wasn't the vague sort of "he was a great man" thing, it was things like "I remember when I was in college and my roommates and I came to Florida..."

You are right, the pictures are a gift! I found one of my aunt's partner after she passed from breast cancer. We had gone to the Grand Canyon, and there was snow on the ground. I remember how beautiful it was that day, and how vibrant and alive she looked. My aunt really treasured the picture and placed it on her memory card. It made me happy to see that I was able to bring some comfort to her.

When my grandmother died, (I was really struggling with her death) my dad reminded me that she would always be in my heart. Yes I know it sounds like a cliche, but it made me feel better and still does. It reminds me that my memories of her will always be with me.

I had to think about this for a day before I posted. I don't think there is anything that someone can say that was "helpful" and definitely nothing to say that most people would interpret as helpful.  Grief and loss is such a personal experience.

I lost my first husband when I was in my mid-20's having only been married a short time. It was an unexpected death. I've posted about it on the previous board before (the watch incident and my "first set of in-laws"--I can never think of them as "former in-laws").

Anyways, I don't think there is a set thing to say that all people will find comfort. It's such a personal interpretation as to what resonates with a person at a very difficult time. It also depends on the age of the person who died and the circumstances of their death. Sharing anecdotes or a funny story about an older person or a parent might be okay, but if a child or young adult dies suddenly or following a long illness, the anecdotes at the time of the funeral or calling hours at the funeral may not be warranted.

In reading these posts, there are statements listed that others found a lot of comfort, that I personally, would not have found comfort. For me, quoting Bible scripture is not helpful. Passages in the Bible that are comforting or helpful are a very personal preference. I don't know how someone can anticipate that unless you know the person very well.

I think you have to take your lead from the person, if the tone of the funeral is sharing an anecdote or funny story, then sharing something might be warranted.

What I appreciated and remember to this day are the people who looked me in the eye and said a sincere and heartfelt "I am so very sorry" and then stopped talking. As time passed, I was more open to hearing stories or anecdotes about him as these were parts of his life (as a child, or at work) that I did not know. I did appreciate reading some of the stories that people included with the card or sent later in a letter. That way, I could read them when I was ready.

I also remember some people who said things that made me wince inside, but honestly, that sting wore off through time. I just chalked it up to someone not knowing what to say and they were trying to "say something helpful".

I well remember and am grateful for those that called me or sent me a letter weeks and months later to say "I'm thinking about you". There is such a flurry of people and things to do and decisions to make between the death and the funeral, and then....silence. Nothing going on. THAT is when I really needed people. Sure, I knew I could call someone and say "I want to talk", but that is harder to do than if someone called me and took me out to lunch and asked "What can I do?" and then I could respond.

I also appreciated the people who sent me a card or called me on my first husband's birthday, my birthday, our anniversary or that first Christmas. Those are the moments that brought me to tears knowing that someone cared enough to write down those dates and let me know they cared AND THAT THEY NOTICED. That's the worst part following a death, seeing how life still goes on for all these other people. I never begrudged anyone else's happiness, but I did feel the pang of the loss most keenly during those times.

But what I do remember are those that said absolutely nothing to me and acted as if nothing had happened. It took me a long time to get over the sting of that and realize that those people just didn't know what to say or do, and therefore, said nothing.

MerryMom I was not offended at all. I understand what you're saying. I was concerned that you might be upset by what I said and I didn't want to add to your pain.

I'm sure I've said a lot of stupid things to people in their grief but this experience with my new friend taught me to listen more and talk less.