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Post by wholarmor on May 2, 2021 18:40:52 GMT
So sorry. I hope she will be able to see it quickly.
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Post by bc2ca on May 2, 2021 18:42:34 GMT
Oh...did I forget to mention that although they did not grow up in the same house...he is her step brother. They have really only known each other for the last 1.5 years but this still reeks of massive ick factor. He is a fucking predator.  I'm so sorry. Hopefully you can keep the lines of communication open once she moves. |
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Post by femalebusiness on May 2, 2021 18:49:49 GMT
The main conversation that I would be having at this point is birth control, birth control, birth control. There is no coming back from a pregnancy.
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Post by chaosisapony on May 2, 2021 18:56:19 GMT
I'm very sorry you're going through this. A close friend of mine was in a similar "relationship" many years ago and found herself in an incredibly abusive situation states away from home and anyone she knew. She worked and was selling her platelets to fund her boyfriend and his family while they sat around and drank. In the end, she wound up calling her dad and he flew to get her the next day when she was supposedly at work.
She would not have called if she didn't know her parents were a safe space and wouldn't judge her. You are doing the absolute best thing you can by reminding her that you'll be there if she needs you.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 2, 2021 18:57:18 GMT
Can she defer her scholarship for a year rather than outright reject it? We are looking into this. This is what I was going to suggest too. She should do what she can to keep her options open. |
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Post by ~summer~ on May 2, 2021 19:22:35 GMT
This is horrible. I’m so sorry. What does her birth mom think of this? Is it her step son she is with?
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Post by zztop11 on May 2, 2021 19:50:19 GMT
I am so sorry your family is going through this. I never understood people without huge resources coming to the most expensive state... What does this mean? |
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Post by 950nancy on May 2, 2021 19:53:38 GMT
Sometimes they have to learn the hard way. And it's heartbreaking. This is exactly where we are right now. Life is going to have to kick her right in the ass. He has a history of being abusive and controlling so we just hope that she stays safe until the moment that she calls us for help. We have already told her that we will never say "I told you so". We will come get her and bring her home. This is probably the most important thing you can do. She needs to know she has options. |
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Deleted
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Apr 19, 2024 16:53:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2021 20:04:45 GMT
We have already told her that we will never say "I told you so". We will come get her and bring her home. That is so important that she knows you will help when she's ready. Hugs and thoughts of peace for you all. |
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Post by snugglebutter on May 2, 2021 20:06:17 GMT
I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you all. Where is her mom/stepdad in all of this?
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Post by hop2 on May 2, 2021 20:24:24 GMT
Uh, wow. I’d be worried too. San Diego isn’t an inexpensive place to live, especially with out jobs or skills to get jobs.
However, try to keep your reservations to your selves and ‘appear’ calm, & open so she won’t shut you out. And just let her know to 1 - keep in touch & let you know where she is living & 2 - you’ll be here ( not there but here where you are now lol ) if she needs you. Haven’t we all wanted to pull up stakes and run away at some point in our lives? She is young and can still forge a path thru life successfully - it just might be different than what you had imagined.
At that age they, fortunately or unfortunately, get to make their own mistakes. Also, If she’s smart enough to earn a scholarship, she ought to be smart enough to forge an alternate path as well. Hopefully you’ve all raised her to stand up for herself and she will find a way forward.
Hugs to you, this is a difficult stage in life - letting go if our young adults isn’t always easy.
ETA: after reading your further posts - ick that he’s her step brother that’s a weird dynamic
And kudos for trying to reassure her you’ll be there when she needs you.
Hopefully she will reach out if she does.
Very stressful for you in the meantime
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Post by malibou on May 2, 2021 20:26:24 GMT
I am so sorry your family is going through this. I never understood people without huge resources coming to the most expensive state... What does this mean? Sounds to me like she is saying that California is a massively expensive state to live in and San Diego is really really expensive, as are all large cities along the coast of CA, and that it makes no sense for someone with no resources to think they are going to pop in to this state and make a living here easy peasy. |
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Post by gar on May 2, 2021 22:36:03 GMT
That must be incredibly stressful. I hope things turn out better than you fear or she sees sense sooner than you imagine.
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Post by peasapie on May 2, 2021 22:41:55 GMT
Damn. I'm sorry to read this. Be sure to google him to make sure there is nothing like a police record with him. My friend did something similar and later found out the guy had a record as a child molester, said she wouldn't have gone if she'd known.
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zookeeper
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by zookeeper on May 2, 2021 22:45:10 GMT
The main conversation that I would be having at this point is birth control, birth control, birth control. There is no coming back from a pregnancy. She told us that she got on birth control two days after she turned 18. Bet I can guarantee that they are not using a condom. Her mom and step dad are both beside themselves. Her step dad even told her that his son is not a good person. There are so many red flags and she is ignoring all of them. She is 18 and thinks she is in love. She feels a connection to him because she lost her virginity to him. I just hate that her first time was with a predator who is using her. |
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kate
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Post by kate on May 2, 2021 22:51:47 GMT
As the mother of a daughter, this whole situation is making me sick to my stomach. I am so sorry your family is going through this. Saying prayers for her safety.
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Post by jenjie on May 2, 2021 22:52:02 GMT
I’m so sorry. Praying with you.
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Post by christine58 on May 2, 2021 23:30:38 GMT
Damn. I'm sorry to read this. Be sure to google him to make sure there is nothing like a police record with him. My friend did something similar and later found out the guy had a record as a child molester, said she wouldn't have gone if she'd known. Great idea |
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on May 3, 2021 0:02:22 GMT
And now they are leaving for CA tomorrow. He wants to take her away before we can try to change her mind. Oh...did I forget to mention that although they did not grow up in the same house...he is her step brother. They have really only known each other for the last 1.5 years but this still reeks of massive ick factor. He is a fucking predator. Oh, this is awful. |
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Post by tryingtobewise on May 3, 2021 0:14:13 GMT
My daughter did something very, very similar back in November. Fortunately her move was only 5 hours away. Like you, we assured her we would come and help her get back if she ever changed her mind. We did not condemn the guy (to her anyways) as we didn’t want that to some how be part of the appeal. Per her request we went and extracted her back out a month later. It didn’t last long and it was her decision to come back. She is getting back on her feet.
I say all of this as encouragement and endorsement for just holding steady and letting her know the door is open.
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seaexplore
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on May 3, 2021 0:15:39 GMT
Or why can't he move to the town where her college is instead of them going to California? Help her look at what the realities will be or need to be when they get to California in regards to work, costs of living, etc. Believe me, we have brought all of this up. He has family there so that is where he wants to go. He does not care about her. She is only serving a means to an end for him. He wants her to work to help pay rent while he stays home and plays video games. Hopefully that shit gets old FAST and she’s back with you before school starts in the fall! I live in CA. It’s barely affordable on most salaries let alone hourly part time jobs! |
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seaexplore
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on May 3, 2021 0:20:46 GMT
And now they are leaving for CA tomorrow. He wants to take her away before we can try to change her mind. Oh...did I forget to mention that although they did not grow up in the same house...he is her step brother. They have really only known each other for the last 1.5 years but this still reeks of massive ick factor. He is a fucking predator. Omg! That’s HORRIBLE! She won’t even be able to finish her senior year? I’m assuming she’s 18? Any chance for police involvement? |
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Post by mom on May 3, 2021 0:23:13 GMT
I am sorry. Just keep telling her that you support her and when she wants to come back, you will get her, no questions asked. Continue asking that if she has $ to get birth control - dont just assume she will be able to continue taking it. Any chance her friends can talk some sense into her?
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seaexplore
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Post by seaexplore on May 3, 2021 0:24:22 GMT
I am so sorry your family is going through this. I never understood people without huge resources coming to the most expensive state... What does this mean? Generally it’s really expensive to move to CA from another state because EVERYTHING costs more here. Lots of people just think beaches and sunshine and palm trees but the reality is that it’s HARD to make a living here. Basically, if you live in CA and leave, it’s next to impossible to come back unless you have massive amounts of money. Housing is ridiculously overpriced, gas is over $1/gal more than other places. Rentals are hard to find. Jobs are hard to come by. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 3, 2021 0:29:25 GMT
This situation is so disturbing - no wonder your heart is breaking. You are doing the right thing by being available to her no questions asked. Hopefully she'll come to her senses sooner rather than later.
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Post by flanz on May 3, 2021 0:29:30 GMT
I'm so sorry. You're doing all you can.
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Post by ntsf on May 3, 2021 0:44:55 GMT
yeah not only expensive but where do you come up with references (landlords demand these), along with the $6-10,000 to get into an apartment..first, last and security deposit, gas is more expensive, food is 10-20% more expensive and that %16 an hour at starbucks will not support anyone.. without great pain
there are reasons there is a large population of homeless people.
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Post by greendragonlady on May 3, 2021 1:15:46 GMT
Is there an adult (that you approve of) whose opinion she trusts? I know I didn't want to listen to my parents because I was a bratty kid, but I listened to an aunt.
I sure hope she comes to her senses soon.
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zookeeper
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by zookeeper on May 3, 2021 1:34:43 GMT
My 24 year old tried to talk to her and hit a brick wall. She has low self esteem and he has used this to groom her and convince her that he is the only good thing in her life.
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Post by LilyRose on May 3, 2021 1:36:50 GMT
The main conversation that I would be having at this point is birth control, birth control, birth control. There is no coming back from a pregnancy. She told us that she got on birth control two days after she turned 18. Bet I can guarantee that they are not using a condom. Her mom and step dad are both beside themselves. Her step dad even told her that his son is not a good person. There are so many red flags and she is ignoring all of them. She is 18 and thinks she is in love. She feels a connection to him because she lost her virginity to him. I just hate that her first time was with a predator who is using her. Personally, I think I might even offer to pay for that BC, because if money is tight, that might be an expense that gets cut. |
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