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Post by teach4u on May 8, 2021 18:11:36 GMT
My dd is home from college for the weekend. Goes back tomorrow. My dh says "Hey, can you drive her back (4 hours) so I can work around the house, be like your Mother's Day time?
Are you fucking for real?
No , he didn't acknowledge the day.
Then he gaslights me.... "Oh, make this about you, I'll get up at 4 on Monday to get my chores done"
Yep. This is legit.
He's never acted like this before.
Bodes well for our 25 in a2 months and my 50th.
Great.
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Post by MichyM on May 8, 2021 18:15:54 GMT
It feels like we're missing chunks of the conversation and a whole lot of context so it's hard to say.
I hope you have a nice day tomorrow and enjoy your time with your daughter, regardless.
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Post by freecharlie on May 8, 2021 18:20:18 GMT
Sure, let me get you a list of the things *I* want done. Since it is for mothers day and all...
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Post by bc2ca on May 8, 2021 18:26:28 GMT
I feel like I'm missing something, too.
What was the plan for DD getting back to school before he asked you to do it? Is she home for MD? Did you have plans for the day? Did you share your plans with him?
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tanya2
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1604
Posts: 4,414
Jun 27, 2014 2:27:09 GMT
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Post by tanya2 on May 8, 2021 19:00:21 GMT
I'm guessing there is a reason he wants you out of the house
And personally, that would be my gift, getting to spend the extra time with dd! (spoken as a mom whose dd wants to move across the planet to Australia - permanently - as soon as the borders open up again)
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mimima
Drama Llama
Stay Gold, Ponyboy
Posts: 5,010
Jun 25, 2014 19:25:50 GMT
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Post by mimima on May 8, 2021 19:41:51 GMT
Am I missing something, he said for your Mother's Day, so I don't understand how he is ignoring the Day or gaslighting you?
Happy Mother's Day, however you celebrate. Enjoy your visit.
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Post by leannec on May 8, 2021 19:50:43 GMT
Why doesn't your dd have a car? Driving four hours (each way?) is not my idea of a good time! Your dh is being a dick Mother's Day is always a letdown
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Post by ~summer~ on May 8, 2021 19:51:43 GMT
Can you drive her back, go out to dinner and spend the night at a nice hotel? That’s probably what I would do. Throw in breakfast and a hike in the morning (take last minute PTO day?) and it sounds pretty good.
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Post by littlemama on May 8, 2021 19:55:29 GMT
Honestly? Yes.
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Post by summer on May 8, 2021 19:59:45 GMT
Is it 4 hours round trip or each way? Was your husband originally the one who was going to drive her?
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Post by Zee on May 8, 2021 20:01:23 GMT
Why aren't you all going together? That's what I'd expect for that long of a trip. But if he just told me I'd be spending 8 hours out of my day doing this alone part of the time, yeah I'd be very annoyed regardless of what day it was unless we had arranged that prior.
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Post by myshelly on May 8, 2021 20:01:34 GMT
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Post by myshelly on May 8, 2021 20:02:56 GMT
On solely the info in the OP, no, YNTA.
What was the plan? How was DD supposed to get back to school?
What chores does DH want to do?
On Mother’s Day I would expect the rest of the family to do what I want to do, not tell me I have to spend the day driving.
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Post by lisacharlotte on May 8, 2021 20:10:09 GMT
I feel like there is so much we don’t know. What was the plan originally for DD to return to school? What needs to be done around the house and why does it have to be done tomorrow or at 4am Monday? What were the plans to celebrate since your DD is home? Since you’re her mother, not your husband’s mother, how is she involved in the plans?
I admit, I’m not hung up on big celebrations. My birthday was Thursday, my husband bought me a nice gift. Then said, uh, it’s for Mother’s Day too (even though I’m not his mother). I appreciate the thought, not upset that I didn’t get two presents. No cake, but I don’t care, we were still eating the cake I baked for DH’s birthday the week before. However, if you have big expectations, I think that needs to be communicated, early, with details. It doesn’t sound like your family is the type to make this a major event since your DD is leaving on Sunday and it doesn’t sound like plans were made.
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Post by Really Red on May 8, 2021 20:30:44 GMT
My dd is home from college for the weekend. Goes back tomorrow. My dh says "Hey, can you drive her back (4 hours) so I can work around the house, be like your Mother's Day time?
Are you fucking for real?
No , he didn't acknowledge the day.
Then he gaslights me.... "Oh, make this about you, I'll get up at 4 on Monday to get my chores done"
Yep. This is legit.
He's never acted like this before.
Bodes well for our 25 in a2 months and my 50th.
Great.
I think you teach, right? It's been an impossible year (and more) and maybe you're just exhausted. It's hard to think outside yourself when you're exhausted. I don't mean you're wrong or that you are necessarily right, but it's hard to THINK clearly. So if I understand correctly, your DH offered you up a 4-hour RT to return your daughter tomorrow. He expected you to be grateful for it. You were not. You may have been snippy with him (IDK??) and he got mad and said this was about you. I don't think he's right at all. But if that is what went down, I don't think you were entirely fair either. Of course, I am just putting in filler for what wasn't in your OP! But what if you had said, "Mr. Teach4U, I am just worn out. I would like to spend MD just relaxing and doing absolutely nothing. When it's Father's Day, I'll be sure you can do the same. Then Mr. T4U says, "but if I have to take DD back, I won't be able to get my chores done." And you respond. It's Mother's Day. I need the day for me. If Mr. T4U says more, then I'll back you up 100%. Maybe Mr. T4U is worn out as well. We are all at the end of our ropes.
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Post by gar on May 8, 2021 20:46:57 GMT
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,417
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
Mar 18, 2015 4:10:31 GMT
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Post by milocat on May 8, 2021 21:02:11 GMT
Maybe he's thinking a day with your daughter would be better than a day doing chores on Mother's Day. He'll stay home and get some to dos done for the week ahead and you'd have some nice time with your daughter. He acknowledged it by saying spend some of the day with your daughter.
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QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
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Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 8, 2021 21:05:13 GMT
If you're not happy with DH's response to Mother's Day and you anticipate your birthday and anniversry beng the same, don't sit around waiting for those events to roll around and be a letdown. Do something yourself to make them special days. In your other thread you said you're not one to plan your own party, but would you rather plan something yourself or sit around feeling sorry for yourself on those days because nothing special is happening?
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on May 8, 2021 21:58:51 GMT
I can't say who is "right" in this instance (there's always so much more in any scenario that we the readers don't know), but I wanted to offer you big hugs.
Your feelings are valid.
It sucks when someone tells you what you are doing, especially if it's a day that should be one we can relax on and enjoy.
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Post by littlemama on May 8, 2021 22:28:35 GMT
I think the OP wants her dh to guess what she wants. In his mind, perhaps spending time with her daughter on mothers day might be what she would like while he takes care of chores around the house.
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Post by jeremysgirl on May 8, 2021 22:49:48 GMT
If you're not happy with DH's response to Mother's Day and you anticipate your birthday and anniversry beng the same, don't sit around waiting for those events to roll around and be a letdown. Do something yourself to make them special days. In your other thread you said you're not one to plan your own party, but would you rather plan something yourself or sit around feeling sorry for yourself on those days because nothing special is happening? This! I'm hosting brunch tomorrow. On mother's day. I am making all the food. It is my first post pandemic gathering. I spent my day cleaning. My mother will be here and my sister. And the only request I made of my kids was to be here. I *requested*. If you want a nice time, you make shit happen.
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Post by shessoaverage on May 8, 2021 23:06:13 GMT
What kind of chores does a grown man have to get done on a specific day? It’s not like when you’re a kid and your mother makes you do chores before you go out to play. Oil not changed? Do it next weekend. Floors not waxed? Whatever. Laundry not done? Do it one night after work. Grocery store? On the way home from the office, or eat out for a day. Some home improvement project not finished tomorrow? Who cares? Do it when you get to it.
I’m curious as to what is so important that it MUST be done during those hours tomorrow?
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Post by NanaKate on May 8, 2021 23:31:59 GMT
What was your understanding of how the day was supposed to go before he asked you to drive DD back to school? Need more info.
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Post by freecharlie on May 9, 2021 0:06:10 GMT
If you're not happy with DH's response to Mother's Day and you anticipate your birthday and anniversry beng the same, don't sit around waiting for those events to roll around and be a letdown. Do something yourself to make them special days. In your other thread you said you're not one to plan your own party, but would you rather plan something yourself or sit around feeling sorry for yourself on those days because nothing special is happening? yup. I planned the dinners I wanted for today and tomorrow. Dh has to work and I don't want to grill, so...yeah
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
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Post by julie5 on May 9, 2021 0:32:35 GMT
I have a college daughter and our time back to campus is special. But her campus is only an hour away. But I get the day “off” from any work needing done if I have to take her back or whatnot. In tgAt respect-yes. You’re an asshole. Enjoy your time with your daughter.
I also don’t have children with my spouse. I’ve made Mother’s Day more of a celebration of my life with them. I don’t like going out to eat so we don’t go. I prepare my favorite meal (ribs) and we watch tv together or play games. Anything that shows my kids tgAt yes I love being their mom. So in this regard, you’re an asshole.
My birthday is on Wednesday. I’m making my cake and I’ve bought my gift. I actually bought myself lots of gifts. Hubby doesn’t care what I spend within reason. Should I be offended tgAt the world doesn’t stop for me on my day and everyone reads my mind about what I want? I could. I guess I could be pissed that he doesn’t buy flowers or go to the store. But he does so much else to show me his loveand appreciation. And to be fair I was with my kids father for ten years. He didn’t think it was his job to do anything to appreciate me even when the kids were little.
I’m just a glass half full kind of gal amd choose to count my blessings and not grievances.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 9, 2021 1:11:39 GMT
It's hard to give an opinion because I don't think I have the whole picture.
I will say that most spouses are really bad at mind reading, yet so many of us expect them to just magically know what we are thinking and what we want. The importance of good and clear communication in a marriage can't be stressed enough. At the very least, you two need to work on communication skills.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,395
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on May 9, 2021 1:20:33 GMT
I'd gladly take the opportuntity to take the DD to school and then take my own sweet time coming home. Maybe a massage, meal out at a nice park along the route, jamming to my favorite tunes. BUT I love my car and am NEVER in it by myself so take it for what it's worth.
If it's 4 hours EACH WAY, that might be a bit more of an issue for me and I'd be finding a hotel to stay at overnight ON MY OWN before coming home. 4 hours round trip, not a big deal. We do that lots of weekends just to see my parents and sister.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 19, 2024 1:12:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 9, 2021 1:30:39 GMT
I am in agreement with @julie5 and Spongemom Scrappants. So many women are disappointed for holidays because dh didn't do this or that. But they never told their dh what they would like. I would happily take my dd back to school. She made you a mom. And isn't at home all the time and will soon be off doing her thing. While there is a big chunk of the conversation missing and we don't know how it went down, etc, I think you need to take a breath and regroup. But that's just me.
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Post by elaine on May 9, 2021 2:23:33 GMT
If you're not happy with DH's response to Mother's Day and you anticipate your birthday and anniversry beng the same, don't sit around waiting for those events to roll around and be a letdown. Do something yourself to make them special days. In your other thread you said you're not one to plan your own party, but would you rather plan something yourself or sit around feeling sorry for yourself on those days because nothing special is happening? This! I'm hosting brunch tomorrow. On mother's day. I am making all the food. It is my first post pandemic gathering. I spent my day cleaning. My mother will be here and my sister. And the only request I made of my kids was to be here. I *requested*. If you want a nice time, you make shit happen. One month ago I made reservations for tomorrow for brunch at a restaurant I love. I’m getting the brunch that I want and it wouldn’t have happened if I left it to Dh and Ds1 - and I’m really okay with that.
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Post by magellen on May 9, 2021 2:26:54 GMT
There is more going on here, then what is posted.
But I would have taken her back this afternoon, got a motel room with a spa, then enjoyed Sunday with daughter.
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