|
Post by padresfan619 on May 9, 2021 2:30:35 GMT
I would be irritated at being told what to do with *my* day. Like even if I had wanted to drive my daughter back to school (I’m pretending to be in your shoes) I’d get annoyed by my husband thinking this was some great treat for my Mother’s Day. Why can’t you all go as a family? Stop halfway and get lunch and make a day of it. Spending that time alone on the way back isn’t the same as time to yourself, if that’s what you want for the day.
|
|
|
Post by ExpatBackHome on May 9, 2021 6:33:41 GMT
If you're not happy with DH's response to Mother's Day and you anticipate your birthday and anniversry beng the same, don't sit around waiting for those events to roll around and be a letdown. Do something yourself to make them special days. In your other thread you said you're not one to plan your own party, but would you rather plan something yourself or sit around feeling sorry for yourself on those days because nothing special is happening? This! I'm hosting brunch tomorrow. On mother's day. I am making all the food. It is my first post pandemic gathering. I spent my day cleaning. My mother will be here and my sister. And the only request I made of my kids was to be here. I *requested*. If you want a nice time, you make shit happen.
This can be applied to many areas! I've just taken lemon cupcakes out of the oven and I'll be going out to lunch alone. (Mother's Day is actually a work and school day here so it's pretty quiet and easy to do what I want to do). But my DH and kids did get a card, decorated the kitchen with balloons and streamers and had flowers delivered.
|
|
|
Post by lesserknownpea on May 9, 2021 8:48:35 GMT
My initial feeling was that he is trying to get his way but frame it as “for you”. My mom was always this way, so I am sensitive to it. His guilt trip response kinda validated that for me.
As someone mentioned: what’s so important that he has to get up at 4 am if he can’t do it tomorrow?
Why doesn’t he want to spend MD with you and dd? Is he doing anything else for you to Mark the day? Does he usually do something for MD? Is he normally so jammed on weekends? Who usually drives dd? And did one or both of you pick her up?
Do you suspect he just wants the house to himself, or are you hurt that he’s not making the holiday a bigger deal?
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on May 9, 2021 11:46:48 GMT
It’s certsinly not about being an asshole, and I would never call you that. I also don’t think any of us can really answer this well. We’ll never have all the information you have or understand all the dynamics and history.
For me, I would absolutely love the trip. There is nothing my daughter and I love more than a road trip. The longer the better. We have a long history of making them extremely fun - snacks, fast food in the car, our favorite music, hours of being three feet apart, so many conversations, and singing and laughing, or being serious and figuring out life, etc.
I would probably have planned on doing that for mother’s day from the beginning, knowing that she had to be back on campus today. So having my husband suggest that for mother’s day wouldn’t even being a thing. In my world.
The only thing that really makes sense for your situation (for every situation!) is better communication.
|
|
|
Post by peace on May 9, 2021 11:52:55 GMT
I'm in the camp that we don't have enough information.
My ex would've pulled something like this. He loved yard work and would have loved to spend all day moving plants and digging stuff up. But he also loved getting giant pats on the back for being awesome. So, if I planned Mother's Day, it would irk him because he needed to be the hero. And if I didn't gush over his amazing decisions, I would be the asshole. I am a thoughtful gift giver and planner. He was not. I knew that and I was happy to work around that. He was not.
So OP, we need more info.
I hope you have a wonderful day and find a way to relax. Happy Mother's Day to you!
|
|
|
Post by bearmom on May 9, 2021 12:24:35 GMT
I would be annoyed if dh phrased taking dd back to school the way yours did, but we usually have these discussions much sooner (hey, Can you pick dd up? I’ll take her back). I do enjoy the time in the car with dd, they are usually more chatty and it gives me a chance to take them out to eat somewhere different. But, there are times I dreaded doing the drive because of the traffic depending on the day/time.
I am curious about the chores dh has to that have to be done. Are they thing he wants to do? Are they things you asked him to do?
I am lucky in the fact that early on I when I shared (after a disappointing birthday) how important holidays are to me and he took it to heart. He has a standard day: he makes dinner reservations, gets me a gift, and makes me a dessert (cake or tiramisu).
After so many years I have learned, as much as it is obvious to me, that I have to be specific and ask/tell dh what I want.
|
|
|
Post by teach4u on May 9, 2021 13:17:24 GMT
So dd’s boyfriend came over to visit and he’s driving her back. He lives 30 minutes from her dorm so that turned out well.
No mention of work needing to get done anymore. Happy Mother’s Day was said . Day will go normally from there. Lucky to be a mom but a card, a flower, a something would asking too much. However mentioning a $500 tool chest for Fsthers Day on Mother’s Day is ok. Ok then.
|
|
QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
|
Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 9, 2021 13:22:37 GMT
So dd’s boyfriend came over to visit and he’s driving her back. He lives 30 minutes from her dorm so that turned out well. No mention of work needing to get done anymore. Happy Mother’s Day was said . Day will go normally from there. Lucky to be a mom but a card, a flower, a something would asking too much. However mentioning a $500 tool chest for Fsthers Day on Mother’s Day is ok. Ok then. So then you mentioned that you would like a card, flower or gift? Because if you didn't, then I agree with the people who say you are expecting your DH to read your mind. If you don't want to get him the tool chest for Father's Day, then don't. Maybe that will help spark the communication you two clearly need to work on.
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on May 9, 2021 13:25:10 GMT
I really AM sorry you are disappointed and ________ (insert emotion you are feeling) but at this point, it seems like you haven’t even read and considered the responses on your own thread.
I love a lot of what was shared here and appreciate the time people took to talk to you about what you posted.
|
|
|
Post by teach4u on May 9, 2021 13:25:46 GMT
Why should I mention it when we bought our moms gifts? He knows we buy our parents gifts and they ask him what he did. The answer is nothing. That’s fun answering “ nothing” when in-laws ask you in front of family. And then crickets.
|
|
|
Post by teach4u on May 9, 2021 13:27:35 GMT
Too be honest it hurts because we gift others and I put them first. Two days out of the year being treated special isn’t asking too much. We don’t do Valentine’s Day etc.
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on May 9, 2021 13:28:16 GMT
Crickets indeed
|
|
QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
|
Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 9, 2021 13:35:51 GMT
Why should I mention it when we bought our moms gifts? He knows we buy our parents gifts and they ask him what he did. The answer is nothing. That’s fun answering “ nothing” when in-laws ask you in front of family. And then crickets. I feel like your college age daughter is the one who you should be having these feelings towards. You are her mother, not your DH's. Why didn't she do something for her mother like you did for your mother? Why does he get all the blame?
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on May 9, 2021 13:36:33 GMT
In our family, we do things like big chores and long drives together, so that wouldn’t even be an option to split those kinds of tasks in that way. If the scenario from the OP was happening here, DH and I would both drive DD back and then we would both work on the chores together, which would hopefully make those chores take less time than one person working alone.
I would be annoyed to have someone else dictate what I should do (and enjoy doing it) on Mother’s Day without any input from me beforehand. However, we both decided (together) that we would spend this weekend installing the flooring in our porch that we’ve had stacked up in boxes for two years. It’s a task that will require all three of us to work on it to get it done in two days and it’s a big job that required moving a bunch of furniture and stuff around. It needs to get done and this was as good a time as any to do it. (Plus, I end up with a really nice, totally finished screen porch out of the deal.)
|
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
|
Post by julie5 on May 9, 2021 13:38:49 GMT
So dd’s boyfriend came over to visit and he’s driving her back. He lives 30 minutes from her dorm so that turned out well. No mention of work needing to get done anymore. Happy Mother’s Day was said . Day will go normally from there. Lucky to be a mom but a card, a flower, a something would asking too much. However mentioning a $500 tool chest for Fsthers Day on Mother’s Day is ok. Ok then. Yeah I’d tell him to gtfo with the tool chest. And then order myself something right now.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Mar 29, 2024 14:15:53 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on May 9, 2021 13:40:36 GMT
Too be honest it hurts because we gift others and I put them first. Two days out of the year being treated special isn’t asking too much. We don’t do Valentine’s Day etc. Have you ever told dd and dh what you want for your birthday and Mother's Day? Your dd is the one who does Mother's Day, bot dh. You aren't his mom. Dd is way old enough to get you a card or make one. Make you a meal. Clean up. Do a chore. You can't get mad if you don't tell people what you want and why
|
|
|
Post by teach4u on May 9, 2021 13:43:18 GMT
It’s resolved. The work was work work but he didn’t explain that. I was under the impression it was cleaning the garage putzy work. (Weed whacking etc). There was a lack of communication and as far as the day goes, he had a surprise planned. However he enjoys insisting nothing is planned because he thinks it’s funny to string me along. I’m not good with not knowing plans . And now I feel like a major ass
|
|
|
Post by elaine on May 9, 2021 13:50:44 GMT
Why should I mention it when we bought our moms gifts? He knows we buy our parents gifts and they ask him what he did. The answer is nothing. That’s fun answering “ nothing” when in-laws ask you in front of family. And then crickets. Many men are simply wired differently- simply because you buy gifts for your parents doesn’t automatically mean that he thinks he should buy you a present. It seems weird, but it is the truth. If you want a present, card, a meal out - you need to specifically tell him that. Every year. Until he seems capable of doing it without a reminder. Or, make reservations or plans yourself and have those plans include your Dh or dd, or not, depending on what you want. As has been said here over and over, he can’t read your mind. You need to tell him what you want, each holiday, clearly and specifically. Too be honest it hurts because we gift others and I put them first. Two days out of the year being treated special isn’t asking too much. We don’t do Valentine’s Day etc. It isn’t asking too much to be treated special 2 days per year! (((Hugs))) I’m sad that you are so sad about this. Your worth as a person isn’t tied to your Dh doing things that apparently don’t come naturally to him. You simply have to stop relying on others - your Dh specifically - to think of doing that on his own. Make the plans that you want to happen. Spend the money and buy the gift that you want. Refuse to do any housework today, if that is a treat (that is one thing I do on Mother’s Day - NO DISHES or cooking for others - and I tell my family that each Mother’s Day morning). You are a wonderful and capable woman. You deserve a special day! Make that day happen for yourself. Don’t depend on others to read your mind and do it for you. You aren’t any less special if you have an active hand in making the day go as you want it.
|
|
QueenoftheSloths
Drama Llama
Member Since January 2004, 2,698 forum posts PeaNut Number: 122614 PeaBoard Title: StuckOnPeas
Posts: 5,955
Jun 26, 2014 0:29:24 GMT
|
Post by QueenoftheSloths on May 9, 2021 13:51:45 GMT
I'm glad you will have a better day now.
|
|
|
Post by elaine on May 9, 2021 13:54:24 GMT
It’s resolved. The work was work work but he didn’t explain that. I was under the impression it was cleaning the garage putzy work. (Weed whacking etc). There was a lack of communication and as far as the day goes, he had a surprise planned. However he enjoys insisting nothing is planned because he thinks it’s funny to string me along. I’m not good with not knowing plans . And now I feel like a major ass I’m so glad that he had a surprise planned! 🥰 Tell him - out loud - on another day - that you don’t like not knowing plans. Let him know how much it hurts you to think that he hasn’t been thinking of you, because that is where your mind goes when you don’t know that he has planned something. I hope that you enjoy the day. Happy Mother’s Day!
|
|
|
Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 9, 2021 14:05:00 GMT
I still maintain that better communication between the two of you could avoid a whole lot of this.
That said, sounds like you'll have a good mother's day after all. Hope you can reset your mind and really enjoy the day now.
|
|
|
Post by sasha on May 9, 2021 14:21:49 GMT
I'm surprised you're getting the "need more information" comments or that you are the asshole. It sounds like he changed plans and is cloaking the change in plans as being your mother's day gift.
I do agree with others -- drive her back to school, maybe stop with her and have a lovely dinner. And treat yourself to some pampering the next day!
|
|
|
Post by uksue on May 9, 2021 14:33:00 GMT
Once the kids are old enough I’ve never expected anything from their father with regards to Mother’s Day - the spoiling has been from the kids if that makes sense .
I don’t mind driving, so taking my daughter back wouldn’t be an imposition and the drive back would be listening to my favourite music uninterrupted- so again, no imposition .
There’s clearly a problem in communication here though imo. You’ve been together quarter of a century- is this unusual for him not to plan something special? ( as I already said, it wouldn’t be in my situation).
As others have said , the last year has been very difficult and this has with some people raised different behaviour on each ends of the caring spectrum .
|
|
caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,413
Location: So Cal
Member is Online
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
|
Post by caangel on May 9, 2021 14:37:14 GMT
Fwiw last week I bought orchids for my mom and MIL and mentioned what they were for to dh. I even said, "your welcome you have a gift for your mom". It was a whole conversation.
Then on Thursday, I asked him if he had any plans for this weekend. He starting talking about a project we had started the previous weekend for his parents. I stopped him and said that's great and all but I was asking more about Mother's Day.
Yeah he had NO CLUE Mother's Day was this weekend. My preference is almost always to have time to myself and no cooking. So easy plans. But *I* brought it up since he didn't mention anything earlier and *I* didn't want to be disappointed if he forgot.
That being said I'm glad your DH surprised you. I'd definitely have a heart to heart with him about how he did it and how you felt when you thought he had forgotten. He needs to know.
Good communication can solve a lot of problems and keep them from becoming big problems.
|
|
|
Post by gar on May 9, 2021 15:30:59 GMT
I'm surprised you're getting the "need more information" comments or that you are the asshole. It sounds like he changed plans and is cloaking the change in plans as being your mother's day gift. I do agree with others -- drive her back to school, maybe stop with her and have a lovely dinner. And treat yourself to some pampering the next day! You need to read her updates
|
|
|
Post by ~summer~ on May 9, 2021 15:52:53 GMT
Why should I mention it when we bought our moms gifts? He knows we buy our parents gifts and they ask him what he did. The answer is nothing. That’s fun answering “ nothing” when in-laws ask you in front of family. And then crickets. it seems there are deeper issues here. I’m sorry you are sad/upset today.
|
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,482
Jun 30, 2014 12:52:45 GMT
|
Post by ellen on May 9, 2021 16:18:02 GMT
Too be honest it hurts because we gift others and I put them first. Two days out of the year being treated special isn’t asking too much. We don’t do Valentine’s Day etc. I agree. I take care of all the gift giving in our family and my husband was the worst about giving gifts to me. He didn't get that it actually hurt my feelings that no one could bother giving me a gift. A couple times he even made comments about how I really didn't need to get a gift because I had all sorts of other nice things. He's not a mean guy - he's just lazy about things like that. I told him that I expected a birthday, Christmas, and Mother's Day gift. I also had to be specific and say that it needed to be on time too. I once received the birthday gift of the intent to get me a gift certificate to a store I like, but the certificate never materialized. I gave him that same gift of nothing delivered the same way on the next event where I would normally get him a gift. If it's an actual item on Christmas I expect it to be wrapped because I spend a ridiculous amount of time wrapping gifts and I want something to open too. After many slights delivered in various ways, I became very specific. This morning there was a gift certificate to a greenhouse waiting for me as soon as I got up. He even plans ahead now.
|
|
caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,413
Location: So Cal
Member is Online
Jun 26, 2014 16:42:12 GMT
|
Post by caangel on May 9, 2021 16:29:54 GMT
Too be honest it hurts because we gift others and I put them first. Two days out of the year being treated special isn’t asking too much. We don’t do Valentine’s Day etc. Stop putting other people first. Take care of your self. That doesn't mean never do anything for others, it means make sure your needs are met first and then take care of others. You have value and are important. You might need to show people that if you have been putting them above yourself for a long time. If you need others to help you meet your needs tell them that so they know what is expected. But also figure out a way to be content with what you can control.
|
|
julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,611
Jul 11, 2018 15:20:45 GMT
|
Post by julie5 on May 9, 2021 16:37:33 GMT
It’s resolved. The work was work work but he didn’t explain that. I was under the impression it was cleaning the garage putzy work. (Weed whacking etc). There was a lack of communication and as far as the day goes, he had a surprise planned. However he enjoys insisting nothing is planned because he thinks it’s funny to string me along. I’m not good with not knowing plans . And now I feel like a major ass That’s another reason I’m glad my husband doesn’t surprise me because I would feel the same way. That’s not very nice.
|
|
|
Post by magellen on May 9, 2021 19:24:05 GMT
teach4uI am glad that your day turned out well. 🥰
|
|